Several months back I wrote a list about some things I know for sure. As time marches on I have continued to add to that list. But, I've also started a new one..."some things I don't quite know for sure."
Its easy to talk about the things you know and we all love to share that information, and as my friends can testify, I am one of those people. It can be, however, more difficult to admit the things we don't quite have the answers to but desperately wish we did. I always wish I knew what to say to a friend who is struggling emotionally, physically or spiritually. That's a time when everything within me wants to say the right thing that will bring hope, maybe a laugh, or just help them hold on for another minute. And, there are times that I am praying someone can say those things to me. I have many questions for myself that I have been waiting a long time for the answers to.
2007 held many moments of pure desperation for me. Desperately needing to know if I would ever drive again, attend my children's functions, or even just have a full day where I didn't struggle with every move I made. I spent many days laying here asking a lot of questions and not getting many answers. But, somewhere through all of that came a decision. A decision that I didn't have to know everything and that I had to start letting go of the outcome of everything I did. I have always suffered from analysis paralysis and to stop holding on so tightly to the question AND the answer allowed me to take some risks that I believe helped me take a huge leap forward in my health. Like going to California to see a new doctor. That was a huge risk, that involved our whole family and a lot of finances to get down there, meet with him for two days and then drive home. Once I decided that it didn't matter if he helped me or not, that I just needed to go, everything else fell into place.
I also had to start listening and trusting my own instincts that I believe God has placed in all of us. That quiet still voice that says, "This is the way, walk in it." By doing this I started doing a better job at what supplements to take (or not take), when to rest and when to get moving. I am trying to leave the outcome alone. And, also to realize that every thought I think has a direct impact on my body. There is so much that we don't have control over in this world...of which I'm glad. On the flip side, there is some very powerful things that we do have control over. The Bible says to "take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ." I will confess this is no easy task for me since my mind goes 90 miles an hour. However, by stopping the constant analysis of trying to figure out the problem or ruminating over things constantly, it has allowed my body more time to heal, more time to rest. And, as a friend and I were discussing over e-mail the other day...eventually God will reveal the answer if we will just be still and wait long enough.
Right now I'm learning new boundaries all over again. Boundaries in relationships, in my energy levels, and in my own heart. Learning to say, "I don't know!", or "This relationship is too draining.", has been very difficult for me. I would much rather be the person who has the right thing to say at just the right moment. I am realizing now that by setting these boundaries, it pushes me more OUT of the picture and allows God to be more IN the picture. It gives Him the chance to reveal the answer to the questions and to be the healer, provider, comforter.
I know all of this has been God's lesson to me about walking forward without knowing the final destination. The truth is, I know where my "Final Destination" is, so everything else is just the gravy. Letting go, changing the way I think, finding joy in my day no matter what my situation, continuing to practice forgiveness and practicing saying..."I don't know yet.", has the potential for allowing us to reap amazing rewards.
I look back over 2007 and I'm grateful for the things I know for sure. These things are my anchor, my foundation that allows me to move through this world without getting blown around. But, allowing myself to say out loud that "I don't know the answer yet" opens up a whole new opportunity too. So, I am grateful for both.
Heading into 2008 our family will put together our customary "Goals for the Year" list. They may or may not come to fruition, but we love to write them down and then read them over again at the end of the year. There is not one person who can say right now that they know what this new year will bring. But, its okay. That's exciting and a little scary at the same time. Even though we don't have the answers, or even know the questions at this point...its still okay to have a vision or a dream or a desire. I'm still believing that as each day passes, my body gets stronger - emotionally, physically and spiritually, my children grow closer to God and my marriage takes deeper roots. Those are the only things that really matter and that I know for sure!!!!
God is Good!
Blessings, Tanya
December 25, 2007
December 24, 2007
Gore Christmas Letter
Dear Friends and Family,
I have to say that I’m looking forward to seeing 2007 go by and to greet 2008 with a much healthier body. We have had a very up and down year, but are very grateful that we have been able to get through it all together. Even though there were times that it felt like we were all going in five different directions, at the end of the day we always came back together feeling closer and more connected than before.
I think our most memorable time this summer was going over to Wenatchee and staying with our friends Kevin and Lynn. What amazing friends they are and I don’t think they realized how they helped breathe new life into our home. We haven’t been able to do much because of my health and so to go spend time with them and let our kids play was truly a blessing. Whitney and I had a three-day Scrabble tournament to which I lost. And, we made quite a spectacle of ourselves driving Kevin’s big truck to Old Navy for school shopping. I guess I’m not as much of a “trucker chick” these days. I can’t remember a time when we laughed more. All three of the kids spent one day at the water park in Chelan and all came home exhausted and happy. What a great combination.
School was here before we knew it. Whitney started her freshman year at Snohomish High School and has been having a great year so far. She is in the beginning of her basketball season and after having an incredible first game, earned herself a starting position. She is taking several honors classes and I’m always worried about how she is going to handle the extra school work but she always seems to adjust and let’s me know that she “has everything under control”. She’s determined to maintain her 3.8 GPA with hopes of getting in to the college of her dreams. We have been having so much fun together this year and I’m enjoying every minute of it.
Sydney is in 1st grade and really catching on to this reading thing. She joined her first outdoor soccer team and now says it’s her favorite sport. Anyone who knows Sydney knows that she is a ball of pure energy and joy. I’ve never met a child who gets up so perky and ready to meet the day. She attended her first Nutcracker with her Grandma Irene. She dressed to the 9’s and came back with so much to tell. The glamour and the drama were right up her alley!!! She has lost six teeth in the last three months and is losing that little girl face. So sad! But, watching her grow in her confidence and see her doing things that she is really passionate about has been super rewarding. She is definitely the artist in the family and spends countless hours drawing. One of her drawings from last year was chosen to go into the Snohomish School District Calendar so of course we had to get a few extra’s to hang up around the house J.
Spencer started Kindergarten this fall. He loves every minute of it and has made some great friends. Because he sees Sydney reading her own books now, he has put the pedal to the metal and is working hard to catch her. In the last couple months after watching a movie about kids playing baseball he hauled out his ball and glove and started throwing some “heaters”. We were quite surprised at his ability to throw and catch so well. He has recruited everyone he knows to play including his grandma. If you come through our door, be prepared to put on the glove. Today we took him in to have his adenoids out which, for a parent, is always nerve wracking. But, he was so brave and so endearing to the nurses. We could literally hear them outside our curtained room bantering about who would get to take care of him. One nurse thanked him profusely for being so amiable and fun as we heard one scared little boy screaming for his mom while going to have the same procedure done. We were grateful that he came through the whole procedure safe and sound.
Bob is doing great. He has been working at Premera going on three years now and has a great team to work with. He received an Outstanding Employee Award this fall of which we were really proud of him. I only mention this because he has been like a single-dad these last couple years doing everything from taking the kids to the dentist, to getting me to all my doctor’s appointments. So, to receive this award on top of running every part of our household was pretty amazing. And, he does it all without a complaint. Right now he is a part of the Watch DOG program at Sydney and Spencer’s school. It’s a program for dad’s to volunteer at the school in just about every way you can imagine. He does this every Friday and is really enjoying himself. This summer he was also able to hike Mt. St. Helen’s for the third time with his friends from college. It was in memory of a friend who passed away over a year ago and what a great way to honor him.
We also received some great news that my brother and his family are moving to Spokane. He is actually already there working, and his wife and kids are back in Minnesota waiting for their house to sell. The last time my brother and I lived in the same state was back in high school, so this is really fun for me. I am looking forward to our two families having more time together and making the holiday’s loud and crazy J!!!!
As for my progress, I am honestly amazed at how far I’ve come this year. I have to give thanks to all of you who have prayed without ceasing for my recovery. One of my goals was not to miss one of Whitney’s home games, and as of right now I’ve made it to all of them including all of the away games as well. What a huge blessing that we can go as a family and cheer her on. My next goal is to see how I do getting back to church. I can’t wait to do that as a family again too. I am looking forward to 2008 being filled with continued health, more family time and a chance to reconnect with those we have not seen in a long time.
We hope to see as many of you as possible in 2008 and that this letter finds you all healthy and enjoying the holiday season.
Many Blessings,
Bob, Tanya, Whitney, Sydney, Spencer and Buddy-the-dog!!!
I have to say that I’m looking forward to seeing 2007 go by and to greet 2008 with a much healthier body. We have had a very up and down year, but are very grateful that we have been able to get through it all together. Even though there were times that it felt like we were all going in five different directions, at the end of the day we always came back together feeling closer and more connected than before.
I think our most memorable time this summer was going over to Wenatchee and staying with our friends Kevin and Lynn. What amazing friends they are and I don’t think they realized how they helped breathe new life into our home. We haven’t been able to do much because of my health and so to go spend time with them and let our kids play was truly a blessing. Whitney and I had a three-day Scrabble tournament to which I lost. And, we made quite a spectacle of ourselves driving Kevin’s big truck to Old Navy for school shopping. I guess I’m not as much of a “trucker chick” these days. I can’t remember a time when we laughed more. All three of the kids spent one day at the water park in Chelan and all came home exhausted and happy. What a great combination.
School was here before we knew it. Whitney started her freshman year at Snohomish High School and has been having a great year so far. She is in the beginning of her basketball season and after having an incredible first game, earned herself a starting position. She is taking several honors classes and I’m always worried about how she is going to handle the extra school work but she always seems to adjust and let’s me know that she “has everything under control”. She’s determined to maintain her 3.8 GPA with hopes of getting in to the college of her dreams. We have been having so much fun together this year and I’m enjoying every minute of it.
Sydney is in 1st grade and really catching on to this reading thing. She joined her first outdoor soccer team and now says it’s her favorite sport. Anyone who knows Sydney knows that she is a ball of pure energy and joy. I’ve never met a child who gets up so perky and ready to meet the day. She attended her first Nutcracker with her Grandma Irene. She dressed to the 9’s and came back with so much to tell. The glamour and the drama were right up her alley!!! She has lost six teeth in the last three months and is losing that little girl face. So sad! But, watching her grow in her confidence and see her doing things that she is really passionate about has been super rewarding. She is definitely the artist in the family and spends countless hours drawing. One of her drawings from last year was chosen to go into the Snohomish School District Calendar so of course we had to get a few extra’s to hang up around the house J.
Spencer started Kindergarten this fall. He loves every minute of it and has made some great friends. Because he sees Sydney reading her own books now, he has put the pedal to the metal and is working hard to catch her. In the last couple months after watching a movie about kids playing baseball he hauled out his ball and glove and started throwing some “heaters”. We were quite surprised at his ability to throw and catch so well. He has recruited everyone he knows to play including his grandma. If you come through our door, be prepared to put on the glove. Today we took him in to have his adenoids out which, for a parent, is always nerve wracking. But, he was so brave and so endearing to the nurses. We could literally hear them outside our curtained room bantering about who would get to take care of him. One nurse thanked him profusely for being so amiable and fun as we heard one scared little boy screaming for his mom while going to have the same procedure done. We were grateful that he came through the whole procedure safe and sound.
Bob is doing great. He has been working at Premera going on three years now and has a great team to work with. He received an Outstanding Employee Award this fall of which we were really proud of him. I only mention this because he has been like a single-dad these last couple years doing everything from taking the kids to the dentist, to getting me to all my doctor’s appointments. So, to receive this award on top of running every part of our household was pretty amazing. And, he does it all without a complaint. Right now he is a part of the Watch DOG program at Sydney and Spencer’s school. It’s a program for dad’s to volunteer at the school in just about every way you can imagine. He does this every Friday and is really enjoying himself. This summer he was also able to hike Mt. St. Helen’s for the third time with his friends from college. It was in memory of a friend who passed away over a year ago and what a great way to honor him.
We also received some great news that my brother and his family are moving to Spokane. He is actually already there working, and his wife and kids are back in Minnesota waiting for their house to sell. The last time my brother and I lived in the same state was back in high school, so this is really fun for me. I am looking forward to our two families having more time together and making the holiday’s loud and crazy J!!!!
As for my progress, I am honestly amazed at how far I’ve come this year. I have to give thanks to all of you who have prayed without ceasing for my recovery. One of my goals was not to miss one of Whitney’s home games, and as of right now I’ve made it to all of them including all of the away games as well. What a huge blessing that we can go as a family and cheer her on. My next goal is to see how I do getting back to church. I can’t wait to do that as a family again too. I am looking forward to 2008 being filled with continued health, more family time and a chance to reconnect with those we have not seen in a long time.
We hope to see as many of you as possible in 2008 and that this letter finds you all healthy and enjoying the holiday season.
Many Blessings,
Bob, Tanya, Whitney, Sydney, Spencer and Buddy-the-dog!!!
December 7, 2007
Friday, Dec 7
It seems as though I've been writing less and less. Its not for lack of content :-). There is always something wild and crazy going on around, which suits me just fine. But, part of it is because I have been having a few more "good" days as of late. As of tonight, I have made it to all three of Whitney's basketball games. Every time I go, it seems my body handles the stimulus a little better and I can actually sit back and take in every moment. It has been such an incredible blessing being there to cheer my daughter on. I can't even put it into words adequately without feeling like I might get a bit emotional about it. I went nearly two years with out seeing her play but maybe only a couple times. Last year I didn't even make it to one game. The best part is how much she appreciates me being there. I catch her "checking" on me during the game sometimes when she gets pulled out for a break and we give each other the secret sign that all is well. Her heart is so big and as she continues to march towards independance I can't help but feel she is turning into an amazing young woman.
This week I had an impromtu doctor's appointment with a homeopathic doctor. I've never worked with someone who just does this type of treatment as their main form of treatment. Its a long and involved story about how I actually ended up getting there on such short notice, but lets just say it felt like this huge window opened up on so many levels that I had to go and see what this was all about. So, after about an hour of speaking with this woman and giving her my history I left with my plant-based homeopathic remedy. Tomorrow is my day to try it so we'll see how it goes. I'm very curious to see what will come of this type of treatment.
Right now I have been enjoying this time of extra energy and trying to use it as wisely as possible. On the days Whitney has a basketball game I do everything in my power to relax, take a nap and hydrate right up until its time to go. It seems to be making a difference. On other days I've been enjoying doing extra reading and spending more one-on-one time with the kids. I can't tell you how grateful I am to be able to have these precious moments with my family. To feel more connected to them and to be a complete unit is something that's hard to articulate.
I am looking forward to Christmas for the first time in over three years and have such joy at the possibility of being downstairs and sitting with everyone around the tree. I'm sure I'll have to go lay back down afterwards, but that's okay with me. I'm learning to not be quite so greedy these days :-). And, I'm doing better at taking things one day at a time. God is good!
Blessings, Tanya
This week I had an impromtu doctor's appointment with a homeopathic doctor. I've never worked with someone who just does this type of treatment as their main form of treatment. Its a long and involved story about how I actually ended up getting there on such short notice, but lets just say it felt like this huge window opened up on so many levels that I had to go and see what this was all about. So, after about an hour of speaking with this woman and giving her my history I left with my plant-based homeopathic remedy. Tomorrow is my day to try it so we'll see how it goes. I'm very curious to see what will come of this type of treatment.
Right now I have been enjoying this time of extra energy and trying to use it as wisely as possible. On the days Whitney has a basketball game I do everything in my power to relax, take a nap and hydrate right up until its time to go. It seems to be making a difference. On other days I've been enjoying doing extra reading and spending more one-on-one time with the kids. I can't tell you how grateful I am to be able to have these precious moments with my family. To feel more connected to them and to be a complete unit is something that's hard to articulate.
I am looking forward to Christmas for the first time in over three years and have such joy at the possibility of being downstairs and sitting with everyone around the tree. I'm sure I'll have to go lay back down afterwards, but that's okay with me. I'm learning to not be quite so greedy these days :-). And, I'm doing better at taking things one day at a time. God is good!
Blessings, Tanya
November 27, 2007
November 27, 2007
Now that the Thanksgiving madness is over I feel like I have the energy to write again. Its funny to say that though, because I really didn't have any "Thanksgiving" responsibilities this year so I'm not sure why it still felt like madness. Maybe its just the extra energy that runs through the house this time of year. My body seems to pick it all up and then in turn I have to go nap to recover just from feeling all the buzz. But, its all good.
I had a lot to be thankful for this year for sure. Last year this time I couldn't even get out of bed to shower and Thanksgiving was spent in my bedroom. I can't tell you how grateful I am to be able to shower every day, run a short errand if I have to and take care of my kids more often. You know that verse in Luke 7:47 "Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little"? Well, I certainly feel like I have been forgiven much...but my own verse would be, "her many days of little energy, made her love much the days of a tiny bit more energy :-)"...or something like that.
We spent the whole holiday weekend putting up the lights outside our house, our Christmas tree and every piece of holiday decoration we own. Sydney spent a big majority of the time singing the Jackson Five version of "Santa Clause is Coming to Town". We had to shut her down by the 15th time. Then I got busy and started my online Christmas shopping. How nice is that? I love pushing a few buttons and then having the nice man in the big brown van drop me off my goodies. No muss, no fuss...No, "I got knocked down doing my Christmas Shopping at the Mall" lyrics going through my head.
Health wise I'm about the same. Not that I'm complaining...just updating. I am keeping up with the liver detoxing and it still continues to make me really tired. But, I try to back off when I know I have some extra responsibilities coming up. I don't really have any new plans for doctor's appointments or anything else like that on the horizon. I'm going to get through the holiday season and then reassess where things stand. I have my days where I think, "How in the world am I ever going to get better?" And, then I have the other days where I just surrender and try to appreciate the moment and remember how much I have in my life just the way it is.
We have a good friend who has a chronic illness, some similar fatigue issues, but he has some other issues I don't have. He and his family just moved and are planting a new church and I have so much respect for his faith in God. To undertake a church plant while dealing with fatigue and pain puts a lot in perspective for me. And, reminds me that God's grace is sufficient. He has been a real source of encouragement to me whether he knows that or not. Just having someone who understands what its like to walk into a doctor's office, go through the whole history and then get the same response back is really difficult to do over and over again. I'm not alone in this journey. There are many God-fearing, faith-filled Christians who struggle right along side of me...and with incredible determination to serve regardless of their station. I am truly humbled. And, like I shared with him the other day...We often are always looking for that magic bullet that rarely ever comes...and even though I don't need a miracle for my faith to grow, it doesn't keep me from asking for one. And, my faith will grow regardless of the answer God gives to me. He knows what's best for me and so I will trust Him to take care of those things that concern me.
Right now my main prayer request is that I have more than enough energy to be able to make it to all of Whitney's basketball games. Her first one is tomorrow night. These are my last years with my first-born at home and I can literally feel every minute slipping by. I don't want to miss one more minute.
God is Good...Blessings, Tanya
I had a lot to be thankful for this year for sure. Last year this time I couldn't even get out of bed to shower and Thanksgiving was spent in my bedroom. I can't tell you how grateful I am to be able to shower every day, run a short errand if I have to and take care of my kids more often. You know that verse in Luke 7:47 "Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little"? Well, I certainly feel like I have been forgiven much...but my own verse would be, "her many days of little energy, made her love much the days of a tiny bit more energy :-)"...or something like that.
We spent the whole holiday weekend putting up the lights outside our house, our Christmas tree and every piece of holiday decoration we own. Sydney spent a big majority of the time singing the Jackson Five version of "Santa Clause is Coming to Town". We had to shut her down by the 15th time. Then I got busy and started my online Christmas shopping. How nice is that? I love pushing a few buttons and then having the nice man in the big brown van drop me off my goodies. No muss, no fuss...No, "I got knocked down doing my Christmas Shopping at the Mall" lyrics going through my head.
Health wise I'm about the same. Not that I'm complaining...just updating. I am keeping up with the liver detoxing and it still continues to make me really tired. But, I try to back off when I know I have some extra responsibilities coming up. I don't really have any new plans for doctor's appointments or anything else like that on the horizon. I'm going to get through the holiday season and then reassess where things stand. I have my days where I think, "How in the world am I ever going to get better?" And, then I have the other days where I just surrender and try to appreciate the moment and remember how much I have in my life just the way it is.
We have a good friend who has a chronic illness, some similar fatigue issues, but he has some other issues I don't have. He and his family just moved and are planting a new church and I have so much respect for his faith in God. To undertake a church plant while dealing with fatigue and pain puts a lot in perspective for me. And, reminds me that God's grace is sufficient. He has been a real source of encouragement to me whether he knows that or not. Just having someone who understands what its like to walk into a doctor's office, go through the whole history and then get the same response back is really difficult to do over and over again. I'm not alone in this journey. There are many God-fearing, faith-filled Christians who struggle right along side of me...and with incredible determination to serve regardless of their station. I am truly humbled. And, like I shared with him the other day...We often are always looking for that magic bullet that rarely ever comes...and even though I don't need a miracle for my faith to grow, it doesn't keep me from asking for one. And, my faith will grow regardless of the answer God gives to me. He knows what's best for me and so I will trust Him to take care of those things that concern me.
Right now my main prayer request is that I have more than enough energy to be able to make it to all of Whitney's basketball games. Her first one is tomorrow night. These are my last years with my first-born at home and I can literally feel every minute slipping by. I don't want to miss one more minute.
God is Good...Blessings, Tanya
November 11, 2007
Article by Christiane Northrup, MD
Who says you can't have too much fun?
Laughing for the health of it
Have you ever been told that you were having “too much fun”? In today’s culture, stress is sometimes worn as a badge of success. People love talking about how busy and frenetic their lives are, and find it quite irritating if everyone else isn’t sweating and grunting along with them on life’s treadmill.
Dr. Northrup has a tried and true prescription for stepping away from your “spin-cycle” lifestyle, letting go of your stress, and bringing more pleasure into your life—laughter. And by adding more chuckles to your day, you could even enhance your immune system, strengthen your heart, and lose weight!
Sound too easy? Dr. Northrup says that we are all capable of unending and every-increasing pleasure in our lives. Find out how to turn your life and health around with a few more giggles, grins, and guffaws! (Read the full article here)
http://www.drnorthrup.com/news/toomuchfun.php
Laughing for the health of it
Have you ever been told that you were having “too much fun”? In today’s culture, stress is sometimes worn as a badge of success. People love talking about how busy and frenetic their lives are, and find it quite irritating if everyone else isn’t sweating and grunting along with them on life’s treadmill.
Dr. Northrup has a tried and true prescription for stepping away from your “spin-cycle” lifestyle, letting go of your stress, and bringing more pleasure into your life—laughter. And by adding more chuckles to your day, you could even enhance your immune system, strengthen your heart, and lose weight!
Sound too easy? Dr. Northrup says that we are all capable of unending and every-increasing pleasure in our lives. Find out how to turn your life and health around with a few more giggles, grins, and guffaws! (Read the full article here)
http://www.drnorthrup.com/news/toomuchfun.php
November 11, 2007
Sorry I've been gone for awhile. I am realizing that the old multi-tasking, executive assistant in me has officially left her job and is now living a new career...healing, sleeping, swallowing meds, sleeping, stretching and breathing, praying, sleeping...and trying to be a mom and wife somewhere in between there. This is not a new transition, but rather new for me to admit. Why can't I let "Wonder Woman" (allegedly in my mind) take off her gear and put on sweats?
I have been trying to do anger management lately for a number of reasons, but one of them is how long it is taking to make these baby steps. I guess it just goes to show you how greedy and ungrateful I can be since last year this time I couldn't even take a shower every day. Now at least I can run to the store with my kids to grab one or two things and get them to the bus stop every day when I need to. I don't mean to sound ungrateful at all and I am always thanking God everytime I can put my pj's up on the shelf and donn real clothes for the day.
This last month has been good wrapped with frustration. The good being that I am still tolerating the liver detox meds and some of the anti-fungals daily. I've never been able to do that so far. The downside is that it leaves me incredibly wiped out some days, and other days really wiped out. Those of you who have had a chronic illness know that there is a difference between the two. The other downside is that the body doesn't only detox toxins from you, but toxic emotions. Just ask my husband :-). Its amazing how much more emotional you get when your body is trying to kick out all the junk and you can't figure out why you are feeling sad about the family dog that died when you were 2-years old.
So, I realized this last week every time I wanted to jump on and update my blog that I can't multi-task like this when I'm in the heat of unloading unwanted things from my body. I have phone calls I still need to make, people that I normally pray with over the phone, my best friend that I talk to all the time...everyone gets put on hold except my family. Its all I can focus on.
As I was coming home from a quick trip the other day I realized that I do have days where I feel incredibly frustrated by this life we are living at the moment. But, God always reminds me that some of my tears have come through surrendering. And, that's a good thing. He took me back to a time when I was leaving a doctor's office about three months ago and as I climbed back into the car tears started gushing out. Just out of the blue. I am usually too exhausted after these appointments to even muster a grunt, but this time came a huge flood. The kids were in the car so I was pressing my forehead against the window, one because I didn't want them to see me and two because my face was so hot that the cool window felt good. The truth was that when I got in the car I knew that I knew that I knew, that she didn't have anything new and I was still in the same place. But, this time the tears where met with my heart just telling God that it was okay with me. That if this is where He has me then that's okay. I will love Him anyway. I will trust Him anyway. Psalm 138:8 says, "The Lord will perfect that which concerns me." I can't tell you how many times a day I say this to myself and I say it out loud. I'm sure the neighbors who see me rambling outside in the front yard during the day, mumbling this to myself are probably growing quite concerned...lol.
All this was to say...that I am getting better. I am doing a bit more each week, I accept my setbacks as part of the process (most of the time), and I know that I will see "The goodness of the Lord in the land of the living" in whatever form it comes to me. And, it may just come in the simple form of learning how to breath.
God is good!!
Blessings, Tanya
I have been trying to do anger management lately for a number of reasons, but one of them is how long it is taking to make these baby steps. I guess it just goes to show you how greedy and ungrateful I can be since last year this time I couldn't even take a shower every day. Now at least I can run to the store with my kids to grab one or two things and get them to the bus stop every day when I need to. I don't mean to sound ungrateful at all and I am always thanking God everytime I can put my pj's up on the shelf and donn real clothes for the day.
This last month has been good wrapped with frustration. The good being that I am still tolerating the liver detox meds and some of the anti-fungals daily. I've never been able to do that so far. The downside is that it leaves me incredibly wiped out some days, and other days really wiped out. Those of you who have had a chronic illness know that there is a difference between the two. The other downside is that the body doesn't only detox toxins from you, but toxic emotions. Just ask my husband :-). Its amazing how much more emotional you get when your body is trying to kick out all the junk and you can't figure out why you are feeling sad about the family dog that died when you were 2-years old.
So, I realized this last week every time I wanted to jump on and update my blog that I can't multi-task like this when I'm in the heat of unloading unwanted things from my body. I have phone calls I still need to make, people that I normally pray with over the phone, my best friend that I talk to all the time...everyone gets put on hold except my family. Its all I can focus on.
As I was coming home from a quick trip the other day I realized that I do have days where I feel incredibly frustrated by this life we are living at the moment. But, God always reminds me that some of my tears have come through surrendering. And, that's a good thing. He took me back to a time when I was leaving a doctor's office about three months ago and as I climbed back into the car tears started gushing out. Just out of the blue. I am usually too exhausted after these appointments to even muster a grunt, but this time came a huge flood. The kids were in the car so I was pressing my forehead against the window, one because I didn't want them to see me and two because my face was so hot that the cool window felt good. The truth was that when I got in the car I knew that I knew that I knew, that she didn't have anything new and I was still in the same place. But, this time the tears where met with my heart just telling God that it was okay with me. That if this is where He has me then that's okay. I will love Him anyway. I will trust Him anyway. Psalm 138:8 says, "The Lord will perfect that which concerns me." I can't tell you how many times a day I say this to myself and I say it out loud. I'm sure the neighbors who see me rambling outside in the front yard during the day, mumbling this to myself are probably growing quite concerned...lol.
All this was to say...that I am getting better. I am doing a bit more each week, I accept my setbacks as part of the process (most of the time), and I know that I will see "The goodness of the Lord in the land of the living" in whatever form it comes to me. And, it may just come in the simple form of learning how to breath.
God is good!!
Blessings, Tanya
October 25, 2007
October 25, 2007
It's breast cancer awareness month and, of course, that comes with many stories and information where ever you look. Pink is all over the place. "This is good.", I tell myself, because lives are being saved and that's good. Because cancer seems to be a theme in my own family it dawns on me that I had already figured out my battle plan if this challenge came my way. I would know, for the most part, what I was up against and how to fight this kind of war.
So, it begs the question as to why I have been given this kind of challenge? "Lord," I say, "I'm not prepared to fight against something that can't be measured on a blood test, or seen on an MRI." My usual tactics for taking on the difficult curve balls of life don't seem to measure up anymore. I'm praying that this is a good thing and one of God's tools to help me keep pushing forward, even though it causes me to momentarily stall out like a car going through too deep of water during a rain storm. But, I have to wonder what's next for me on this journey. It's like driving across the country with no road map and windshield full of dead bugs. Sometimes you just have to close your eyes and drive by Braille.
By nature I'm competitive and very much a fighter. I'm ready to pull out my big guns and "go big or go home." I remind God that I'm a warrior and its Go Time. This is where I start upping my dosages of medicine and researching more things I can take, researching more treatments, looking for more doctors, and get ready to take back the night...so-to-speak. This usually lasts me about a day and then I pass out from exhaustion only find I've put myself in the hole from all the emotional excitement of taking on something I can't even quantify. This is where I have my big ah-ha moment. Maybe this is what I needed after all. Something I can't manage myself, something I can't totally control, and definitely something that I could have never prepared for. I have asked God for a long time..."Show me your Glory." But, do I have a part in that process???
John 3:21 says, "But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God."
When I am living by God's truth and in His light, things flow. There is no exhaustion, no hype, no drama. And, its very clear that whatever answers to prayer I have are because of Him and His mercy. Its nothing I could have done on my own. No magic pills, no super doctors, no super human efforts on my part..just His love wrapped around me like a warm blanket fresh out of the dryer...only better.
And, then the gentle reminder. Yes, I am a Warrior but the mission has been clarified. Its not about being super strong, keeping a stiff upper lip, sucking it up, "going big or going home." Its about being a Warrior for peace, being a Warrior for forgiveness, and all of those things Christ came to earth to give to us. These are the things worth fighting for and passing on to those whose lives we touch. When I focus on God's mission and not mine the rest falls into place. "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you." And, lest we think the mission is impossible, its not. Psalms 144:1 says, "Praise be to the Lord my Rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle." We are all in training to receive everything we need to handle every battle that comes into our life. Sometimes we have battles that seem like they never end and others it seems like God has forgotten to give us the necessary means to win the victory. But, its our faith that activates all the tools we need.
So, my prayer is this: "Lord, train me to be a Mighty Warrior. A woman who walks in your truth and light so that it may be plainly seen what you have done."
God is Good.
Blessings, Tanya
So, it begs the question as to why I have been given this kind of challenge? "Lord," I say, "I'm not prepared to fight against something that can't be measured on a blood test, or seen on an MRI." My usual tactics for taking on the difficult curve balls of life don't seem to measure up anymore. I'm praying that this is a good thing and one of God's tools to help me keep pushing forward, even though it causes me to momentarily stall out like a car going through too deep of water during a rain storm. But, I have to wonder what's next for me on this journey. It's like driving across the country with no road map and windshield full of dead bugs. Sometimes you just have to close your eyes and drive by Braille.
By nature I'm competitive and very much a fighter. I'm ready to pull out my big guns and "go big or go home." I remind God that I'm a warrior and its Go Time. This is where I start upping my dosages of medicine and researching more things I can take, researching more treatments, looking for more doctors, and get ready to take back the night...so-to-speak. This usually lasts me about a day and then I pass out from exhaustion only find I've put myself in the hole from all the emotional excitement of taking on something I can't even quantify. This is where I have my big ah-ha moment. Maybe this is what I needed after all. Something I can't manage myself, something I can't totally control, and definitely something that I could have never prepared for. I have asked God for a long time..."Show me your Glory." But, do I have a part in that process???
John 3:21 says, "But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God."
When I am living by God's truth and in His light, things flow. There is no exhaustion, no hype, no drama. And, its very clear that whatever answers to prayer I have are because of Him and His mercy. Its nothing I could have done on my own. No magic pills, no super doctors, no super human efforts on my part..just His love wrapped around me like a warm blanket fresh out of the dryer...only better.
And, then the gentle reminder. Yes, I am a Warrior but the mission has been clarified. Its not about being super strong, keeping a stiff upper lip, sucking it up, "going big or going home." Its about being a Warrior for peace, being a Warrior for forgiveness, and all of those things Christ came to earth to give to us. These are the things worth fighting for and passing on to those whose lives we touch. When I focus on God's mission and not mine the rest falls into place. "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you." And, lest we think the mission is impossible, its not. Psalms 144:1 says, "Praise be to the Lord my Rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle." We are all in training to receive everything we need to handle every battle that comes into our life. Sometimes we have battles that seem like they never end and others it seems like God has forgotten to give us the necessary means to win the victory. But, its our faith that activates all the tools we need.
So, my prayer is this: "Lord, train me to be a Mighty Warrior. A woman who walks in your truth and light so that it may be plainly seen what you have done."
God is Good.
Blessings, Tanya
October 23, 2007
October 23, 2007 - Our 8 Year Anniversary!
It seems as though this month has flown by. Bob and I are celebrating our 8 year anniversary today and it seems as though just yesterday we were getting ready for that amazing day in West Seattle. Our wedding was definitely one of the most exciting days of my life. Everything was beautiful. We had so many family and friends there around us and I really couldn't believe that I was actually having this amazing moment in time.
Now looking back I know God really had his hand on our lives. I can't imagine going through what I am right now without Bob in my life. He has supported and encouraged me every step of the way. He has never complained and always remained full of hope. He is a reminder to me everyday that God is the God of 2nd chances.
October 18, 2007
Oct 18th - New Possessions
Genesis 15:13-14
Then the Lord said to him, "Know for certain that your descendants will be strangers in a country not their own, and they will be enslaved and mistreated four hundred years. But I will punish the nation they serve as slaves, and afterward they will come out with great possessions.
My "Streams in the Desert" devotional speaks to this verse by saying this: An assured part of God's pledged blessing to us is delay and suffering. A delay in Abram's own lifetime that seemed to put God's pledge beyond fulfillment was followed by seemingly unendurable delay of Abram's descendants. But it was only a delay: they "came out with great possessions." The pledge was redeemed.
God is going to test me with delays; and with the delays will come suffering, but through it all stands God's pledge: His new covenant with me in Christ, and His inviolable promise of every lesser blessing that I need. The delay and the suffering are part of the promised blessing; let me praise Him for them today; and let me wait on the Lord and be of good courage and He will strengthen my heart. C.G. Trumbull
I don't know about you but I really needed to hear that today. I needed to be reminded that I believe in and follow a God who keeps his promises to his people. That, according to Romans 8:28, in ALL things God works for the good of those who love him. I need this like I need food and water. Because without it my fight would be meaningless and my light would be snuffed out. Daily I see and talk to hurting people from all walks of life. As human beings we all will share a season or two of waiting and suffering. It is so easy to give up...its so easy to get discouraged. This is the very hour that everything in me feels like its going to crack into a thousand little pieces and one day someone will come into my room and only find a pile of dust.
Then I remember the promises. I remember that God came to give me an abundant life. I remember Him telling the woman at the well, "Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." The meaning of "welling up" is an expression that means a "vigorous one", with a meaning like "leaping up". Jesus was speaking of a vigorous and abundant life. That's His promise to me. But, I have to do my part and drink His water...all the time.
I'm suddenly reminded of the disciples on the boat with the big storm that came. How scared they were, how frantic and panicked. I feel that way many times and I have this incredible feeling of disdain for my circumstances and want to bolt out of it at any cost. Except the rest of the story is that Jesus appeared to them walking on the water and calmed their fears. So much so was his voice of calm that it gave Peter the courage to get out of the boat and walk on water himself. Maybe my circumstances are actually preparing me to get out of the boat too, if I'm willing to allow His voice to create the peace and confidence in me that it did for Peter. I could bet anything, if I were a betting girl :-) that Peter would have never traded the fear and panic from the storm for the experience of walking on water with His Lord. I know someday I'll feel the fullness of what has transpired in this season of my life, but not just yet. I see tiny fragments of it and I know I'm somehow different. But, I know there is a much fuller purpose on the other side of all the things I see slipping by me with each passing day.
My grandmother (my mom's mother) just turned 90 the other day. She has been back in Boise with her sisters and I was unable to attend her gathering. I had to come to the realization that unless God intervenes soon that the possibility of me seeing her again grows more slim with each passing day. I had called her on the day of the actual party and could tell in her voice that she had such a special day. There was a huge wave of sadness that came over me when suddenly I had this incredible feeling of my mother's presence next to me. It has been years since I have experienced that particular type of thing. And, as I sat there taking it all in I felt a new freedom that I haven't felt in a long time. See, I'm not super close to my grandma. I mean I love her of course, but she comes with some generational stuff. My connection to her is my mother and to be near her feels like being near to my mom. To lose my grandmother feels like losing another little piece of my mother. So, when I felt my mother's presence so strong I realized God was trying to remind me that He will be faithful to keep those things in safe keeping which are nearest my heart. These things I see slipping by while I lay here are not really leaving me. God is holding them in his hand and will give them back to me in a more healthy form...when its time to leave this season of waiting. God makes all things perfect in His time. I see that now, and I believe it now. I cannot rush this process, I cannot grumble against God, I cannot let go of the hope to which He has called me, I must give thanks in the midst of suffering and I must trust that on the other side of me coming out of this place of waiting will be new possessions. I must believe and have faith that He will indeed call me out.
2 Corinthians 4:13
"We having the same spirit of faith, according to it is written, I believed, and therefore have I spoken; we also believe, and therefore speak."
So, I believe that I'm going to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living...and therefore speak it out loud....for according to Jesus, "Nothing is impossible with God."
God is Good!!!!
Blessings, Tanya
Then the Lord said to him, "Know for certain that your descendants will be strangers in a country not their own, and they will be enslaved and mistreated four hundred years. But I will punish the nation they serve as slaves, and afterward they will come out with great possessions.
My "Streams in the Desert" devotional speaks to this verse by saying this: An assured part of God's pledged blessing to us is delay and suffering. A delay in Abram's own lifetime that seemed to put God's pledge beyond fulfillment was followed by seemingly unendurable delay of Abram's descendants. But it was only a delay: they "came out with great possessions." The pledge was redeemed.
God is going to test me with delays; and with the delays will come suffering, but through it all stands God's pledge: His new covenant with me in Christ, and His inviolable promise of every lesser blessing that I need. The delay and the suffering are part of the promised blessing; let me praise Him for them today; and let me wait on the Lord and be of good courage and He will strengthen my heart. C.G. Trumbull
I don't know about you but I really needed to hear that today. I needed to be reminded that I believe in and follow a God who keeps his promises to his people. That, according to Romans 8:28, in ALL things God works for the good of those who love him. I need this like I need food and water. Because without it my fight would be meaningless and my light would be snuffed out. Daily I see and talk to hurting people from all walks of life. As human beings we all will share a season or two of waiting and suffering. It is so easy to give up...its so easy to get discouraged. This is the very hour that everything in me feels like its going to crack into a thousand little pieces and one day someone will come into my room and only find a pile of dust.
Then I remember the promises. I remember that God came to give me an abundant life. I remember Him telling the woman at the well, "Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." The meaning of "welling up" is an expression that means a "vigorous one", with a meaning like "leaping up". Jesus was speaking of a vigorous and abundant life. That's His promise to me. But, I have to do my part and drink His water...all the time.
I'm suddenly reminded of the disciples on the boat with the big storm that came. How scared they were, how frantic and panicked. I feel that way many times and I have this incredible feeling of disdain for my circumstances and want to bolt out of it at any cost. Except the rest of the story is that Jesus appeared to them walking on the water and calmed their fears. So much so was his voice of calm that it gave Peter the courage to get out of the boat and walk on water himself. Maybe my circumstances are actually preparing me to get out of the boat too, if I'm willing to allow His voice to create the peace and confidence in me that it did for Peter. I could bet anything, if I were a betting girl :-) that Peter would have never traded the fear and panic from the storm for the experience of walking on water with His Lord. I know someday I'll feel the fullness of what has transpired in this season of my life, but not just yet. I see tiny fragments of it and I know I'm somehow different. But, I know there is a much fuller purpose on the other side of all the things I see slipping by me with each passing day.
My grandmother (my mom's mother) just turned 90 the other day. She has been back in Boise with her sisters and I was unable to attend her gathering. I had to come to the realization that unless God intervenes soon that the possibility of me seeing her again grows more slim with each passing day. I had called her on the day of the actual party and could tell in her voice that she had such a special day. There was a huge wave of sadness that came over me when suddenly I had this incredible feeling of my mother's presence next to me. It has been years since I have experienced that particular type of thing. And, as I sat there taking it all in I felt a new freedom that I haven't felt in a long time. See, I'm not super close to my grandma. I mean I love her of course, but she comes with some generational stuff. My connection to her is my mother and to be near her feels like being near to my mom. To lose my grandmother feels like losing another little piece of my mother. So, when I felt my mother's presence so strong I realized God was trying to remind me that He will be faithful to keep those things in safe keeping which are nearest my heart. These things I see slipping by while I lay here are not really leaving me. God is holding them in his hand and will give them back to me in a more healthy form...when its time to leave this season of waiting. God makes all things perfect in His time. I see that now, and I believe it now. I cannot rush this process, I cannot grumble against God, I cannot let go of the hope to which He has called me, I must give thanks in the midst of suffering and I must trust that on the other side of me coming out of this place of waiting will be new possessions. I must believe and have faith that He will indeed call me out.
2 Corinthians 4:13
"We having the same spirit of faith, according to it is written, I believed, and therefore have I spoken; we also believe, and therefore speak."
So, I believe that I'm going to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living...and therefore speak it out loud....for according to Jesus, "Nothing is impossible with God."
God is Good!!!!
Blessings, Tanya
October 16, 2007
October 16, 2007
Just a quick update. We are all doing good right now and just doing the usual routine of running kids here and there. Everyone is healthy for the moment and I'm enjoying that. Well, everyone except Buddy the dog :-(. He's had an upset tummy today so I'm keeping my eye on him even as I type this now. Bob already came home once today to shampoo the carpets...I don't want to put him through another shampooing tonight :-).
I've been feeling okay. A bit more tired because I have had to up my liver detoxing and am taking some grapefruit seed extract which is supposed to kill off fungus in the system. The good news is that I seem to be tolerating these things so much better than before. I need to get my liver enzymes checked in another 4 weeks and so I want to be more aggressive with the detoxing to see if it will make any difference. I've been praying that my body can withstand more treatment now and we won't feel forced to move right away. This topic of moving has been hard for me to say out loud and so I won't be going in to much detail about it right now.
I will share what we have found out regarding the mold issue. We had some mold that developed in one of our walls that stemmed from a roof leak. We were able to find the problem and fix it, however, not before some mold had set in. I later had some testing done with these little petri dishes and sent off to a special laboratory which didn't show as much as we thought it would. The problem is that its not going to pick up the dead mold so its no help. But, you can still have reactions to the dead antigens that it puts off. Fun, huh?
One thing that really caused me problems was that when I first found the mold I was getting ready to paint. So, as I scraped away the old paint where the water had caused a bubble it had all this mold underneath. Well, I inhaled a bunch of it and was really sick right after. We had the section replaced but its hard to say if its somewhere we can't see still. But, we do know there is no more water because of having some mold specialists come out and do all their special gadgets on it and let us know that it was indeed all dry and no more mold growing. However, to fix the problem entirely would expose me to even more issues and they didn't think that would be a good idea. For the average person its not dangerous, but for me it is. As I have worked with more doctors who deal with these types of issues, through a variety of blood tests, it appears to be more of the culprit than anything else. Its really disrupted my system.
It seems like this journey has taken so many twists and turns in my head that it may start spinning at any moment. But, I'm so thankful that it hasn't been that way for God. He knows my body inside and out, what makes me tick and what makes me sick. I was just meditating on Proverbs 16:3 today. It says, "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." As I have done a better job at letting go of my own agenda, being willing to commit my plans to prayer and allowing God to be intimately involved in the process, it seems as though I feel stronger and things are more clear. I thought I was doing this all along, but the truth is that I really was not understanding what it meant to commit my plans. I'm great at making plans and even executing them at times too :-). But, committing them to God has been much different. Part of this process for me has been where I put my mind. As I commit my steps to the Lord, then I can relax and trust that He will help me walk out the next steps. Before I would pray and ask for guidance but then I would worry and wait, worry and wait and then get tired of waiting and make things happen regardless. Now I commit my plans to the Lord and do my part and then wait for God to do his...minus the worry. It seems as though the worry part was the big roadblock. I feel like those roadblocks are slowly coming down. Its not an overnight process but I feel like I'm making some inroads again.
Better go for now...the brain feels fuzzy and I can't be held responsible for what I say from this point on...lol. God is Good!
Blessings, Tanya
I've been feeling okay. A bit more tired because I have had to up my liver detoxing and am taking some grapefruit seed extract which is supposed to kill off fungus in the system. The good news is that I seem to be tolerating these things so much better than before. I need to get my liver enzymes checked in another 4 weeks and so I want to be more aggressive with the detoxing to see if it will make any difference. I've been praying that my body can withstand more treatment now and we won't feel forced to move right away. This topic of moving has been hard for me to say out loud and so I won't be going in to much detail about it right now.
I will share what we have found out regarding the mold issue. We had some mold that developed in one of our walls that stemmed from a roof leak. We were able to find the problem and fix it, however, not before some mold had set in. I later had some testing done with these little petri dishes and sent off to a special laboratory which didn't show as much as we thought it would. The problem is that its not going to pick up the dead mold so its no help. But, you can still have reactions to the dead antigens that it puts off. Fun, huh?
One thing that really caused me problems was that when I first found the mold I was getting ready to paint. So, as I scraped away the old paint where the water had caused a bubble it had all this mold underneath. Well, I inhaled a bunch of it and was really sick right after. We had the section replaced but its hard to say if its somewhere we can't see still. But, we do know there is no more water because of having some mold specialists come out and do all their special gadgets on it and let us know that it was indeed all dry and no more mold growing. However, to fix the problem entirely would expose me to even more issues and they didn't think that would be a good idea. For the average person its not dangerous, but for me it is. As I have worked with more doctors who deal with these types of issues, through a variety of blood tests, it appears to be more of the culprit than anything else. Its really disrupted my system.
It seems like this journey has taken so many twists and turns in my head that it may start spinning at any moment. But, I'm so thankful that it hasn't been that way for God. He knows my body inside and out, what makes me tick and what makes me sick. I was just meditating on Proverbs 16:3 today. It says, "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." As I have done a better job at letting go of my own agenda, being willing to commit my plans to prayer and allowing God to be intimately involved in the process, it seems as though I feel stronger and things are more clear. I thought I was doing this all along, but the truth is that I really was not understanding what it meant to commit my plans. I'm great at making plans and even executing them at times too :-). But, committing them to God has been much different. Part of this process for me has been where I put my mind. As I commit my steps to the Lord, then I can relax and trust that He will help me walk out the next steps. Before I would pray and ask for guidance but then I would worry and wait, worry and wait and then get tired of waiting and make things happen regardless. Now I commit my plans to the Lord and do my part and then wait for God to do his...minus the worry. It seems as though the worry part was the big roadblock. I feel like those roadblocks are slowly coming down. Its not an overnight process but I feel like I'm making some inroads again.
Better go for now...the brain feels fuzzy and I can't be held responsible for what I say from this point on...lol. God is Good!
Blessings, Tanya
October 12, 2007
October 12, 2007
So, just when I swear off doctors...dun, dun, dun...I see one today :-). I must first say that I know that had it not been for my doctors I would still be in bed. I do know that. But, I go through these miserable cycles of feeling so desperate that they become my god. It becomes necessary to step away from my own craziness and retreat back to that internal place where I can make healthy decisions. Not get so fed up at times with this process that I become the equivalent of doing "Drink and Dial". I become "Freak and Dial".
It actually was just supposed to be a quick update with my Lyme specialist that I haven't seen in awhile. The original appointment was for Whitney because of her chronic sinus infections. And, I must say that I'm so excited about the results and we have a great plan to get her back on track.
My part ended up being an unexpected, total answer to my prayers too. As I was going through my testing process it showed that my Lyme and metals are not showing up. Woohoo. Huge answer to prayer. My doctor was so surprised because she thought the metals portion would take FORever to get rid of. I'm not completely rid of them but they aren't interfering at this point. My big problem is that I continue to struggle with the molds. They are affecting my liver and its just keeping me stuck. So, today we came up with some great treatments that I'm believing...along with my continued spiritual progress :-) that it will get me moving again in the right direction. I know there are some things in my house contributing to my illness and Bob and I are trying to figure out what we should do. Its not an easy fix. And, it may not be just this house. We are back to considering our options for where we should live, hopefully after Whitney graduates.
I just think its ironic that when I decide to take a break from the doctors while I work out more emotional/spiritual stuff that I get such great feedback and some clearer direction. That is what I've been praying for and it is such a blessing to get that answer. Sometimes taking our hands off of "that thing" allows God to bring his blessings the way HE chooses. More lessons, more lessons...does it ever get easier :-)???
The truth is that the real change I feel is in my heart. I don't feel different physically since finding out the news. I didn't feel different physically before I went in. But, I did go in expecting a good report, expecting that my doctor would have clear direction for me and that everything would match up with what I feel my inner voice and God's voice has been telling me. I feel stronger in that I know now more than ever that every word that comes out of my mouth has the power to give life or give death. I can bless or I can curse. That what I say I have is what I end up having. That my old mantra's of "This is too hard." and "I can't handle being sick anymore.", absolutely had to change regardless of how I was feeling. I have replaced them with words that speak to being whole, reminding myself that I'm okay and deserve health, and I tend to hum along to that song, "The Joy of the Lord is my Strength." Sounds corny but I actually see my liver and adrenals doing some dance from "Dancing with the Stars." They really get down and are filled with incredible joy. I know it gives them a break from my years of worry and stress. They are so grateful to me for allowing them to dance and heal.
Okay, this is starting to sound a bit crazy and weird so I'm going to wrap it up for tonight. I'm sure after I post this I'll think of a more sane way to articulate all of these feelings. Tonight, though, you get the spontaneous, joyful, giggly, version. I hope you don't mind.
God is Good!!!
Blessings, Tanya
It actually was just supposed to be a quick update with my Lyme specialist that I haven't seen in awhile. The original appointment was for Whitney because of her chronic sinus infections. And, I must say that I'm so excited about the results and we have a great plan to get her back on track.
My part ended up being an unexpected, total answer to my prayers too. As I was going through my testing process it showed that my Lyme and metals are not showing up. Woohoo. Huge answer to prayer. My doctor was so surprised because she thought the metals portion would take FORever to get rid of. I'm not completely rid of them but they aren't interfering at this point. My big problem is that I continue to struggle with the molds. They are affecting my liver and its just keeping me stuck. So, today we came up with some great treatments that I'm believing...along with my continued spiritual progress :-) that it will get me moving again in the right direction. I know there are some things in my house contributing to my illness and Bob and I are trying to figure out what we should do. Its not an easy fix. And, it may not be just this house. We are back to considering our options for where we should live, hopefully after Whitney graduates.
I just think its ironic that when I decide to take a break from the doctors while I work out more emotional/spiritual stuff that I get such great feedback and some clearer direction. That is what I've been praying for and it is such a blessing to get that answer. Sometimes taking our hands off of "that thing" allows God to bring his blessings the way HE chooses. More lessons, more lessons...does it ever get easier :-)???
The truth is that the real change I feel is in my heart. I don't feel different physically since finding out the news. I didn't feel different physically before I went in. But, I did go in expecting a good report, expecting that my doctor would have clear direction for me and that everything would match up with what I feel my inner voice and God's voice has been telling me. I feel stronger in that I know now more than ever that every word that comes out of my mouth has the power to give life or give death. I can bless or I can curse. That what I say I have is what I end up having. That my old mantra's of "This is too hard." and "I can't handle being sick anymore.", absolutely had to change regardless of how I was feeling. I have replaced them with words that speak to being whole, reminding myself that I'm okay and deserve health, and I tend to hum along to that song, "The Joy of the Lord is my Strength." Sounds corny but I actually see my liver and adrenals doing some dance from "Dancing with the Stars." They really get down and are filled with incredible joy. I know it gives them a break from my years of worry and stress. They are so grateful to me for allowing them to dance and heal.
Okay, this is starting to sound a bit crazy and weird so I'm going to wrap it up for tonight. I'm sure after I post this I'll think of a more sane way to articulate all of these feelings. Tonight, though, you get the spontaneous, joyful, giggly, version. I hope you don't mind.
God is Good!!!
Blessings, Tanya
October 9, 2007
October 9, 2007
I don't know about other people, but I was somehow born with a gift/curse for having a running commentary in my head while I go about my daily life. I don't know if I've ever told anyone about it or even acknowledged it to myself. I actually write about my day in my mind as I go about business as usual...even when my life isn't business as usual. I can't ever remember a time when I wasn't doing this.
Today has been especially weird because I go through bouts of severe brain fog. I'm not sure how to really describe it but it feels like there is a very thin, fine veil over your eyes and brain. It starts about an hour after I get up and then just lays over me like a dense fog. I was at the grocery store today and it gets especially worse there. As I'm standing at the register to pay for my stuff I realize that I've been staring at the debit card machine trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do next. I can feel the cashier staring at me, like, "What's the deal lady?" I start nervously rambling, "Do I put my phone number in first or swipe my card?" I sounded like a tourist on holiday and had never seen this mystery machine. She then replies very flatly, "You put your phone number in there, see, it says it right on top." "Oh, yes, that's right." I tell her feeling super embarrassed that my mind isn't comprehending what I'm reading these days. I make up some excuse about my husband having the Safeway card right now and I'm not used to doing it this way. I grab my stuff, give her an extra smile so she is reassured that I'm not totally losing it and push Spencer forward so I can feel my ineptness in private.
Spencer was home not feeling well this morning so we have been having this easy going morning and after this quick trip to the store I have this intense urge to get back home to my safe zone. Later after lunch, though, he seems to be feeling better and so I suggest he go to school. He is amiable to this and reassures me that he's feeling better. So, we load up in the car for the third time today and head to the school. This is where my running commentary starts going again as I approach the office with Spencer. They always look so busy in that office and I don't know anyone because its a new school. I suddenly am wishing we were still back at the old elementary school. They know me there and conversation is always easy and pleasant.
When I walk in everyone looks up at me like a transient and then I try to explain who we are and that Spencer is checking in late. The woman mumbles to me about signing this book and never makes eye contact. I'm feeling so disconnected from this new environment my children are in this year that it creates an intense sense of loneliness I haven't felt in some time. It makes me feel less connected to my own flesh and blood. It's like I've sent them off to military school or something. Again, I try to flash a happy smile to the woman looking extremely busy who has been forced to stop and help us get signed in. I want her to say something nice to me. I want her to make me feel more connected. But, as soon as she does her part I realize her back is already to me. I feel like yelling at her. "Hey, I was once an extremely involved mom at my kids' school. They really liked me over there. They always greeted me with a smile. What's the matter, am I just a number now?" I suddenly realize this has less to do them and more about me. Me feeling huge waves of guilt because my kids even realize the other mom's are helping out in the class and why don't I? I swallow a huge lump in my throat because I want to be the mom to my kids that my mom couldn't be to me. It has been my mission since the first time my mom disappointed me and left me feeling less important as the other kids seemed to be. We leave the office and Spencer gives me a kiss goodbye and walks away. I stand there watching him walk off into this world I know nothing about anymore. Again, a huge flood of confusing feelings that I'm not sure where to put.
As I walk out into the parking lot I stop and look back at the playground area wondering if Sydney is at recess. I take a deep breath of the fresh air and am brought back to the present by my whining dog in the back of the van. I get in the van and start talking to him like one of my kids. "Sorry Buddy", I tell him. "I really want to take you to the park but I don't have any gas in my tank." He keeps whining at me as if it will change my mind.
When I head home I realize that's its been such a long time since I've been to anyone's house and have the urge to drop in on one of my friends. But, my foot seems to stay connected to the gas like my body has taken over ownership and knows that today isn't a good day for that. Then I try to console myself about it with more excuses why its just not a good idea anyway. Telling myself that these are busy mom's. These mom's are running errands, these mom's have houses they are probably cleaning right now, these mom's have laundry to do, and so on and so forth...as if I've never been one of "those mom's" before.
Pulling up in front of my house I hit the garage door opener. I say to myself, in that annoying always commentating voice, that I'm just not sure what I'm pulling in to. It is my house but it doesn't feel like my life. As I push through the door I go through all the motions of getting settled back in and then secretly wonder if all the hours I sit in my room praying are really moving heaven and earth. I consider calling a friend who I know has been waiting for me to call her, but this day's activities has convinced me that I need to work through these feelings. There is something here for me, I can always feel it. I know its coming because the voice in my head starts talking louder and won't let up until I either write it down or fall asleep.
When I start to empty the contents of my brain I feel a little better. Buddy the dog is engaged in his big raw hide bone and for the moment isn't giving me that sad look followed by a heavy sigh as he lays his head down on his paws like usual. This always gets me. Its like he's saying to me too..."When are you going to get better?" I almost always look back at him and think, "Don't do that to me."
Lately I've been writing down my "Things I must do someday." It's a very fun list to make and I've been adding to it almost daily. Its part of my new spiritual process I guess. Believing without seeing. I also have found a beautiful rental home right on the beach in San Diego and I look at every day. I picture myself by the water and watching the kids build sand castles. I've had such strong cravings to be by the water lately. I was questioning myself about this not that long ago. I really don't care to swim or necessarily be IN the water. I'm not a very good swimmer and growing up in Alaska all you need to do is stay alive for 15 minutes because after that you are a human Popsicle. So, that's the extent for me. I can tread for that long if I have to but I'm not very good at everything else. I hate water up my nose and have had some lame surfing experiences in Hawaii. I'll save that story for another day. But, I grew up on the water my whole life. There is something incredibley healing for me to be by the ocean. Even looking at it seems to cause me to be so much more open and alive. I used to sit on our boat and just stare at the different patterns in the water. Or try to follow a drifting piece of wood as far as I could. It literally mesmerized me. My imagination would just run wild.
However, until I can get to the beach, I must find healing right where I am. I will keep adding to my "To Do" dream list, keep praying and having constant conversations with myself. I've decided today when Bob gets home and asks me how I'm doing and how my day was, I'm going to give him a different answer. I'm not going to give him my day according to the ups and downs of an energy cycle . Or relay again how painful it was just to buy groceries. I think I'll respond to him how I would if I were perfectly whole and healthy. I will pretend that I had an amazing day, doing amazing things, and meeting with amazing people. Because someday it will be the truth.
God is Good!
Blessings, Tanya
Today has been especially weird because I go through bouts of severe brain fog. I'm not sure how to really describe it but it feels like there is a very thin, fine veil over your eyes and brain. It starts about an hour after I get up and then just lays over me like a dense fog. I was at the grocery store today and it gets especially worse there. As I'm standing at the register to pay for my stuff I realize that I've been staring at the debit card machine trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do next. I can feel the cashier staring at me, like, "What's the deal lady?" I start nervously rambling, "Do I put my phone number in first or swipe my card?" I sounded like a tourist on holiday and had never seen this mystery machine. She then replies very flatly, "You put your phone number in there, see, it says it right on top." "Oh, yes, that's right." I tell her feeling super embarrassed that my mind isn't comprehending what I'm reading these days. I make up some excuse about my husband having the Safeway card right now and I'm not used to doing it this way. I grab my stuff, give her an extra smile so she is reassured that I'm not totally losing it and push Spencer forward so I can feel my ineptness in private.
Spencer was home not feeling well this morning so we have been having this easy going morning and after this quick trip to the store I have this intense urge to get back home to my safe zone. Later after lunch, though, he seems to be feeling better and so I suggest he go to school. He is amiable to this and reassures me that he's feeling better. So, we load up in the car for the third time today and head to the school. This is where my running commentary starts going again as I approach the office with Spencer. They always look so busy in that office and I don't know anyone because its a new school. I suddenly am wishing we were still back at the old elementary school. They know me there and conversation is always easy and pleasant.
When I walk in everyone looks up at me like a transient and then I try to explain who we are and that Spencer is checking in late. The woman mumbles to me about signing this book and never makes eye contact. I'm feeling so disconnected from this new environment my children are in this year that it creates an intense sense of loneliness I haven't felt in some time. It makes me feel less connected to my own flesh and blood. It's like I've sent them off to military school or something. Again, I try to flash a happy smile to the woman looking extremely busy who has been forced to stop and help us get signed in. I want her to say something nice to me. I want her to make me feel more connected. But, as soon as she does her part I realize her back is already to me. I feel like yelling at her. "Hey, I was once an extremely involved mom at my kids' school. They really liked me over there. They always greeted me with a smile. What's the matter, am I just a number now?" I suddenly realize this has less to do them and more about me. Me feeling huge waves of guilt because my kids even realize the other mom's are helping out in the class and why don't I? I swallow a huge lump in my throat because I want to be the mom to my kids that my mom couldn't be to me. It has been my mission since the first time my mom disappointed me and left me feeling less important as the other kids seemed to be. We leave the office and Spencer gives me a kiss goodbye and walks away. I stand there watching him walk off into this world I know nothing about anymore. Again, a huge flood of confusing feelings that I'm not sure where to put.
As I walk out into the parking lot I stop and look back at the playground area wondering if Sydney is at recess. I take a deep breath of the fresh air and am brought back to the present by my whining dog in the back of the van. I get in the van and start talking to him like one of my kids. "Sorry Buddy", I tell him. "I really want to take you to the park but I don't have any gas in my tank." He keeps whining at me as if it will change my mind.
When I head home I realize that's its been such a long time since I've been to anyone's house and have the urge to drop in on one of my friends. But, my foot seems to stay connected to the gas like my body has taken over ownership and knows that today isn't a good day for that. Then I try to console myself about it with more excuses why its just not a good idea anyway. Telling myself that these are busy mom's. These mom's are running errands, these mom's have houses they are probably cleaning right now, these mom's have laundry to do, and so on and so forth...as if I've never been one of "those mom's" before.
Pulling up in front of my house I hit the garage door opener. I say to myself, in that annoying always commentating voice, that I'm just not sure what I'm pulling in to. It is my house but it doesn't feel like my life. As I push through the door I go through all the motions of getting settled back in and then secretly wonder if all the hours I sit in my room praying are really moving heaven and earth. I consider calling a friend who I know has been waiting for me to call her, but this day's activities has convinced me that I need to work through these feelings. There is something here for me, I can always feel it. I know its coming because the voice in my head starts talking louder and won't let up until I either write it down or fall asleep.
When I start to empty the contents of my brain I feel a little better. Buddy the dog is engaged in his big raw hide bone and for the moment isn't giving me that sad look followed by a heavy sigh as he lays his head down on his paws like usual. This always gets me. Its like he's saying to me too..."When are you going to get better?" I almost always look back at him and think, "Don't do that to me."
Lately I've been writing down my "Things I must do someday." It's a very fun list to make and I've been adding to it almost daily. Its part of my new spiritual process I guess. Believing without seeing. I also have found a beautiful rental home right on the beach in San Diego and I look at every day. I picture myself by the water and watching the kids build sand castles. I've had such strong cravings to be by the water lately. I was questioning myself about this not that long ago. I really don't care to swim or necessarily be IN the water. I'm not a very good swimmer and growing up in Alaska all you need to do is stay alive for 15 minutes because after that you are a human Popsicle. So, that's the extent for me. I can tread for that long if I have to but I'm not very good at everything else. I hate water up my nose and have had some lame surfing experiences in Hawaii. I'll save that story for another day. But, I grew up on the water my whole life. There is something incredibley healing for me to be by the ocean. Even looking at it seems to cause me to be so much more open and alive. I used to sit on our boat and just stare at the different patterns in the water. Or try to follow a drifting piece of wood as far as I could. It literally mesmerized me. My imagination would just run wild.
However, until I can get to the beach, I must find healing right where I am. I will keep adding to my "To Do" dream list, keep praying and having constant conversations with myself. I've decided today when Bob gets home and asks me how I'm doing and how my day was, I'm going to give him a different answer. I'm not going to give him my day according to the ups and downs of an energy cycle . Or relay again how painful it was just to buy groceries. I think I'll respond to him how I would if I were perfectly whole and healthy. I will pretend that I had an amazing day, doing amazing things, and meeting with amazing people. Because someday it will be the truth.
God is Good!
Blessings, Tanya
October 7, 2007
October 7, 2007
I'm sorry I haven't updated the site myself in a little while. I seem to get on a roll and then go through times of needing to pull inside myself and process and grow privately. It's definitely been one of those seasons for me right now. The growing process for me always starts out by hitting a wall several times, trying to do patchwork on myself and then go back to fully embrace the issues at hand in its entirety. Maybe someday I'll just skip the wall part and go right to the healing part.
Part of my hitting the wall consists of refusing to give up on doctors and supplements and this hope that my healing may be just one pill away. I realized the other day, I don't want to be one of those people who define insanity by doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
So, my journey has taken a new shift. Its time to shove off on a more thoughtful spiritual journey. A person can talk about the Bible, read the Bible but it doesn't guarantee us a journey that will allow us to be the people we were designed to be. It doesn't guarantee us healing or health or prosperity. It's a great starting spot, but there seems to be some things that I've been missing, or actually maybe just not willing to embrace. I think the part I am missing is a journey that actually changes my heart. It changes it in such a way that my mind, my soul, my spirit and my body have no choice but thrive and grow.
My spirit tells me that to get to that place a person has to go deeper within themselves and ask the really hard questions. The ones that we can't answer right away. Such as, "Are there things that I believe that are hindering my healing?", "What IS my purpose here on earth?" (A question that I have chased since youth.), "Why do I always try to take shortcuts?", "What is it that I'm really, really passionate about?" There are more but I'm not ready to put those things out in the universe yet.
I have been doing a lot of studying on the words that we speak, the things that we think, the old tapes that we play over and over in our head. I am just now beginning to realize how powerful our words are. How powerful the law of "believing and receiving" is. People often say, how is that people who aren't "Christians" can have this same philosophy and it actually come true for them? The reason is that it is a universal spiritual law that God created. So, just like gravity is a law of nature and works regardless of whether you believe in the person who designed it, so it is with us believing and receiving. The other truth is that it can work for the negative. You can believe that bad things are going to happen to you and viola', there it is. This is something that I have struggled with my whole life. The challenge for me is that I try to change this thinking and believe for good things to come into my life and if it doesn't happen right away then I get tired and give up.
My journey right now has to take a different route than what its been in the past. I haven't worked out all the details, but I am discussing it with the Big Guy and getting his take on it. Everyone has a different path to healing and wholeness. And, that's the key for me. I don't want to just heal, I want to be whole. Its a lie to think we can separate mind, body and spirit. They are completely connected and so I have to figure out how to get all of these three in agreement. They need to all agree that Tanya is getting whole and is therefor healing. They need to all three agree on what junk needs to go and make way more room for things of the Spirit. The things that will feed me and heal me from the inside out. I believe that God heals us first spiritually and then physically. Since I keep hitting a road block with the doctor's and the meds, maybe I need to place my energy some place more pure. Some place safer that will allow me to rebuild my foundation again. Illness has a way of stripping everything down to the sub floor and I am drowning sometimes trying to figure out how to rebuild it. Its never easy on anyone when someone decides to rebuild. Anyone who goes through the process of a renovation or building their own house can attest to the incredible stress that is placed on everyone. I pray that my family can hang in there with me while my house is filled with dust and dirt waiting for the new hardwoods to be laid down and at least the cabinets put in.
I know that there is no end to this journey and it won't stop after my body resumes its regular tasks again. Its a forever and always thing to be moving forward and peeling back the layers so that you can feel the touch of God in your most sacred places. To be so in touch with the Creator of love that sometimes it feels like you can't even take it...that's where I'm trying to go. So, with nap sack flung over my shoulder and heading towards the rail road tracks I go, I have no idea where this will lead me. I won't even pretend that I know for sure it will get me past the first town I come to. But, determined to live the abundant life I was called to, its a risk I'm willing to take. God is good!
Blessings, Tanya
Part of my hitting the wall consists of refusing to give up on doctors and supplements and this hope that my healing may be just one pill away. I realized the other day, I don't want to be one of those people who define insanity by doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
So, my journey has taken a new shift. Its time to shove off on a more thoughtful spiritual journey. A person can talk about the Bible, read the Bible but it doesn't guarantee us a journey that will allow us to be the people we were designed to be. It doesn't guarantee us healing or health or prosperity. It's a great starting spot, but there seems to be some things that I've been missing, or actually maybe just not willing to embrace. I think the part I am missing is a journey that actually changes my heart. It changes it in such a way that my mind, my soul, my spirit and my body have no choice but thrive and grow.
My spirit tells me that to get to that place a person has to go deeper within themselves and ask the really hard questions. The ones that we can't answer right away. Such as, "Are there things that I believe that are hindering my healing?", "What IS my purpose here on earth?" (A question that I have chased since youth.), "Why do I always try to take shortcuts?", "What is it that I'm really, really passionate about?" There are more but I'm not ready to put those things out in the universe yet.
I have been doing a lot of studying on the words that we speak, the things that we think, the old tapes that we play over and over in our head. I am just now beginning to realize how powerful our words are. How powerful the law of "believing and receiving" is. People often say, how is that people who aren't "Christians" can have this same philosophy and it actually come true for them? The reason is that it is a universal spiritual law that God created. So, just like gravity is a law of nature and works regardless of whether you believe in the person who designed it, so it is with us believing and receiving. The other truth is that it can work for the negative. You can believe that bad things are going to happen to you and viola', there it is. This is something that I have struggled with my whole life. The challenge for me is that I try to change this thinking and believe for good things to come into my life and if it doesn't happen right away then I get tired and give up.
My journey right now has to take a different route than what its been in the past. I haven't worked out all the details, but I am discussing it with the Big Guy and getting his take on it. Everyone has a different path to healing and wholeness. And, that's the key for me. I don't want to just heal, I want to be whole. Its a lie to think we can separate mind, body and spirit. They are completely connected and so I have to figure out how to get all of these three in agreement. They need to all agree that Tanya is getting whole and is therefor healing. They need to all three agree on what junk needs to go and make way more room for things of the Spirit. The things that will feed me and heal me from the inside out. I believe that God heals us first spiritually and then physically. Since I keep hitting a road block with the doctor's and the meds, maybe I need to place my energy some place more pure. Some place safer that will allow me to rebuild my foundation again. Illness has a way of stripping everything down to the sub floor and I am drowning sometimes trying to figure out how to rebuild it. Its never easy on anyone when someone decides to rebuild. Anyone who goes through the process of a renovation or building their own house can attest to the incredible stress that is placed on everyone. I pray that my family can hang in there with me while my house is filled with dust and dirt waiting for the new hardwoods to be laid down and at least the cabinets put in.
I know that there is no end to this journey and it won't stop after my body resumes its regular tasks again. Its a forever and always thing to be moving forward and peeling back the layers so that you can feel the touch of God in your most sacred places. To be so in touch with the Creator of love that sometimes it feels like you can't even take it...that's where I'm trying to go. So, with nap sack flung over my shoulder and heading towards the rail road tracks I go, I have no idea where this will lead me. I won't even pretend that I know for sure it will get me past the first town I come to. But, determined to live the abundant life I was called to, its a risk I'm willing to take. God is good!
Blessings, Tanya
September 26, 2007
Gratitude by Christiane Northrup, MD
What You Need To Know
Research shows that heart-centered feelings associated with gratitude, appreciation, and caring are health enhancing. When you find one thing, however small, to be thankful for and you hold that feeling for as little as 15–20 seconds, many subtle and beneficial physiologic changes take place in your body:
Stress hormone levels of cortisol and norepinephrine decrease, creating a cascade of beneficial metabolic changes such as an enhanced immune system.
Coronary arteries relax, thus increasing the blood supply to your heart.
Heart rhythm becomes more harmonious, which positively affects your mood and all other bodily organs.
Breathing becomes deeper, thus increasing the oxygen level of your tissues.
Other scientific evidence that gratitude improves health comes from research accumulated by Robert A. Emmons, professor of psychology at the University of California, Davis. Emmons found that gratitude makes you healthier, smarter, and more energetic. He also showed that people practicing gratitude daily, for example, as writing in a gratitude journal, reported higher levels of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, attentiveness, and energy than those who didn’t.
If all of this happens when you focus for just 15–20 seconds on something that brings you pleasure, joy, or a feeling of gratitude, imagine what would happen to your health if you were able to cultivate thoughts of appreciation on a consistent and regularly basis.
What Causes This
The health benefits of gratitude (which is really the same thing as love) are an amazing example of how sturdy the bridge between the mind, body, and emotions really is and how simple it is to put this connection to work in your own life. But, as you well know, simple isn’t necessarily easy. Cultivating gratitude, like maintaining strong muscles and bones, takes discipline and will. That’s right. It takes practice to feel gratitude and reap its physical and emotional benefits.
There are valid physiologic reasons why focusing on gratitude isn’t easy. Physically, we humans evolved along with a nervous system wired to ensure our survival by keeping us alerted to possible danger from the occasional wild animal or violent storm—events that were relatively infrequent within a life span. Now fast-forward that same nervous system to our current era of mass media, when all of the possible dangerous events from the entire planet are beamed into our living rooms day and night. You can see why holding thoughts of appreciation is hard.
Spiritual and Holistic Options
Years ago, my father said to me, "Gratitude is the first thing forgot." Though this is often true, it doesn’t have to be. But it takes practice to turn it around—practice to notice what gratitude feels like in your body and to notice when you get off-track and into a downward spiral of fear, anger, or despair. It also takes diligence to stop that spiral by consciously deciding to focus on something that feels better.
Here’s how to use the power of appreciation and gratitude to enhance your health and your life on all levels.
Create Gratitude TouchstonesWrite your favorite memories or peak experiences on index cards and keep them close at hand as gratitude touchstones. Here are a few examples: your spouse, your sleeping child, a beautiful place in nature, a favorite pet, an exciting trip, a special moment with a friend.
Appreciate yourself for all that you are and all that you do.Take a moment right now to look back and acknowledge how far you’ve come since last year, six months ago, even three months ago. (Journaling is a great way to keep track of this kind of information and update your self-appreciation circuits regularly.) Because we are conditioned to focus so much on what we still have to do, we forget to acknowledge ourselves for all the things we’ve actually done—and all the ways in which our presence actually helps and supports others.
Take yourself right into your heart, right now. Imagine that you are now surrounded by everyone and everything you’ve ever loved and cared for. And each of them is telling you how much you’ve meant to them. Let each of them speak directly to your heart while you breathe fully, taking it all into your own heart.
Include yourself in the list of those to whom you give freely.The Golden Rule says to "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Let me give you that same rule in another form: "Do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you." If you want to have true prosperity—which I define as health, wealth, love, and happiness—you must learn to give freely. But you must also be able to receive with a full and grateful heart. Your health depends on it!
Understand the power of tithing.The general formula for prosperity is to tithe 10 percent of your income to the source of your inspiration. It keeps the circulation of prosperity going. What you give freely and generously comes back to you ten-fold because you can’t "out give" the universe. But it won’t come back unless you’ve developed your ability to receive it! You do this by opening your heart to yourself and your own innate goodness.And, given that prosperity is not just about money, it’s important to understand that you are also "tithing" when you give your happiness, love, and caring to others. It’s crucial that women really take into their hearts how much they already "tithe," even if not in the form of actual dollars. This helps enhance your sense of worth and worthiness. And as a result, improves your health.
Take care of your body and your health.Every time you take your vitamins, eat organically grown food, read articles on my Website, lift a dumbbell, or sit down to meditate, you are giving back to yourself. You are including yourself in the circle of gratitude and caring. You are filling your cup so that you can drink fully—and from that space, help others do the same!
Research shows that heart-centered feelings associated with gratitude, appreciation, and caring are health enhancing. When you find one thing, however small, to be thankful for and you hold that feeling for as little as 15–20 seconds, many subtle and beneficial physiologic changes take place in your body:
Stress hormone levels of cortisol and norepinephrine decrease, creating a cascade of beneficial metabolic changes such as an enhanced immune system.
Coronary arteries relax, thus increasing the blood supply to your heart.
Heart rhythm becomes more harmonious, which positively affects your mood and all other bodily organs.
Breathing becomes deeper, thus increasing the oxygen level of your tissues.
Other scientific evidence that gratitude improves health comes from research accumulated by Robert A. Emmons, professor of psychology at the University of California, Davis. Emmons found that gratitude makes you healthier, smarter, and more energetic. He also showed that people practicing gratitude daily, for example, as writing in a gratitude journal, reported higher levels of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, attentiveness, and energy than those who didn’t.
If all of this happens when you focus for just 15–20 seconds on something that brings you pleasure, joy, or a feeling of gratitude, imagine what would happen to your health if you were able to cultivate thoughts of appreciation on a consistent and regularly basis.
What Causes This
The health benefits of gratitude (which is really the same thing as love) are an amazing example of how sturdy the bridge between the mind, body, and emotions really is and how simple it is to put this connection to work in your own life. But, as you well know, simple isn’t necessarily easy. Cultivating gratitude, like maintaining strong muscles and bones, takes discipline and will. That’s right. It takes practice to feel gratitude and reap its physical and emotional benefits.
There are valid physiologic reasons why focusing on gratitude isn’t easy. Physically, we humans evolved along with a nervous system wired to ensure our survival by keeping us alerted to possible danger from the occasional wild animal or violent storm—events that were relatively infrequent within a life span. Now fast-forward that same nervous system to our current era of mass media, when all of the possible dangerous events from the entire planet are beamed into our living rooms day and night. You can see why holding thoughts of appreciation is hard.
Spiritual and Holistic Options
Years ago, my father said to me, "Gratitude is the first thing forgot." Though this is often true, it doesn’t have to be. But it takes practice to turn it around—practice to notice what gratitude feels like in your body and to notice when you get off-track and into a downward spiral of fear, anger, or despair. It also takes diligence to stop that spiral by consciously deciding to focus on something that feels better.
Here’s how to use the power of appreciation and gratitude to enhance your health and your life on all levels.
Create Gratitude TouchstonesWrite your favorite memories or peak experiences on index cards and keep them close at hand as gratitude touchstones. Here are a few examples: your spouse, your sleeping child, a beautiful place in nature, a favorite pet, an exciting trip, a special moment with a friend.
Appreciate yourself for all that you are and all that you do.Take a moment right now to look back and acknowledge how far you’ve come since last year, six months ago, even three months ago. (Journaling is a great way to keep track of this kind of information and update your self-appreciation circuits regularly.) Because we are conditioned to focus so much on what we still have to do, we forget to acknowledge ourselves for all the things we’ve actually done—and all the ways in which our presence actually helps and supports others.
Take yourself right into your heart, right now. Imagine that you are now surrounded by everyone and everything you’ve ever loved and cared for. And each of them is telling you how much you’ve meant to them. Let each of them speak directly to your heart while you breathe fully, taking it all into your own heart.
Include yourself in the list of those to whom you give freely.The Golden Rule says to "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Let me give you that same rule in another form: "Do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you." If you want to have true prosperity—which I define as health, wealth, love, and happiness—you must learn to give freely. But you must also be able to receive with a full and grateful heart. Your health depends on it!
Understand the power of tithing.The general formula for prosperity is to tithe 10 percent of your income to the source of your inspiration. It keeps the circulation of prosperity going. What you give freely and generously comes back to you ten-fold because you can’t "out give" the universe. But it won’t come back unless you’ve developed your ability to receive it! You do this by opening your heart to yourself and your own innate goodness.And, given that prosperity is not just about money, it’s important to understand that you are also "tithing" when you give your happiness, love, and caring to others. It’s crucial that women really take into their hearts how much they already "tithe," even if not in the form of actual dollars. This helps enhance your sense of worth and worthiness. And as a result, improves your health.
Take care of your body and your health.Every time you take your vitamins, eat organically grown food, read articles on my Website, lift a dumbbell, or sit down to meditate, you are giving back to yourself. You are including yourself in the circle of gratitude and caring. You are filling your cup so that you can drink fully—and from that space, help others do the same!
September 25, 2007
A Time to Remember - living an abundant life
Yesterday I was having my morning devotions and prayer time and specifically focusing on a friend seeing a new doctor. I was searching for a scripture or something that could be an encouragement to her. It's funny how sometimes we are looking to give to someone else and in the process the Lord gives something to us.
As I sat there flipping through my Bible I suddenly was reminded about a time back before I had my thyroid surgery. It was about a month after the nodule was discovered and appointments were being made to discuss having a biopsy done on it to rule out cancer. As I searched the Internet gathering information and my stomach was churning it seemed like I was going to be faced with a difficult decision.
One afternoon a week later I was doing some cooking and had some praise music on. Everyone was gone and I was home alone. A song came on that caused me to put everything down and go sit and pull out my Bible. As I opened to a verse that came to mind, one that I have never read before there were these words: Psalm 118:17 I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done.
Those words hit me like a ton of bricks one moment and the next moment it felt like someone literally, physically lifted something off of my back. I knew in that moment that my nodule was not cancerous. Something inside me changed so drastically and gave me a confidence I had never experienced before in the face of such difficulty.
When my appointment arrived to have the biopsy done I made the choice to not take the pre-op medicine to help you relax before they stick a huge needle in your neck...yuck. I knew that either the nodule would be gone or the biopsy would not happen. I chose not to cancel the appointment because for some reason I felt strongly that I still needed to go. When I went in and they started prepping me, the nurse fired up the ultrasound and sure enough...the nodule was still there. I thought..."Oh, great, what have I done." There was this adrenaline rush and huge feelings of doubt. And, truth be told, I started scolding myself for being such a nut case for thinking like this and not taking that medicine to help me get through the procedure.
About ten minutes passed and I was so close to bolting off that table. I felt numb and couldn't figure out how I misunderstood what God had showed me, and how I felt He was leading me. But, then the surgeon came in. He was a really friendly guy and seemed like he had a steady hand...Praise God :-). He grabbed the ultrasound wand and took a look at the nodule himself. After about 30 seconds he looked at me and said, "And, why are we doing a biopsy on this thing?". I burst out laughing and said, "I don't know, I think its crazy too." So, he called my doctor and they spoke for a moment and everyone agreed that this nodule did not look cancerous, although its really impossible to tell 100%, and decided this thing should not be touched. Woohooo. I couldn't believe my ears. I realized in that moment that God had shown himself loud and clear. It felt like such a huge victory.
The difficult part is that its been hard to carry around that original confidence that He placed in my heart on that specific day as time as gone on. But, what I felt like He was reminding of was how I knew one thing for sure before walking into that appointment. I knew that God had shown me that my nodule was not cancerous, and I had nothing to be afraid of.
So, yesterday I shared the story with my friend who was feeling nervous about her appointment and after I got off the phone, I thanked God for reminding me of such a powerful time. Reminding me that I had let go of that confidence that made me walk with such conviction that even a needle to the neck didn't scare me. And, that as I walked with conviction, confidence and expectation...that God would be delighted to show up and make His Glory known.
I recently read a quote by Saint Irenaeus that said, "The glory of God is man fully alive." Honestly, when a person feels sick 24/7, its hard to feel fully alive and embrace God's word that says, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10) But, He says that's why He came...and so I believe Him.
I have to say that the day I got up off that operating table at the hospital after not having that biopsy done...I did feel fully alive. I felt something that I will never forget. It was just a taste of what God is trying to do in our lives. Who would of thought that something like that would have a lasting impression on my walk with God.
So, today I sit here on an overcast, Tuesday morning. Whitney was up coughing last night until nearly 1:00 a.m., Sydney had major bloody nose around 3:30 a.m. and didn't go back to sleep until about 4:00 a.m. and I didn't go back to sleep until almost 5:30 a.m. I won't pretend that I'm feeling like "all that and a bag of chips." I'm exhausted on top of being exhausted. But, if I can sit here and enjoy the presence of the Lord and what He has done for me and what He will do today, and in the future...then I think I'm having a small piece of the abundant life. I think these are the days where my love for God and my own faithfulness are lived out. Not the days when I have everything going according to plan and things fall into place so easily. No, today is the day that I feel incredibly grateful and thankful for all that God has done. The sun is not shining outside my window...the birds have found a different tree in someone else's yard to hang out in. But, inside my heart the sun is shining today. It feels full and ready to dive deeper into life than ever before.
John 7:38
Whoever believes in me as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him."
Have an abundant day, no matter what you are feeling or what the circumstances. God is good.
Blessings, Tanya
As I sat there flipping through my Bible I suddenly was reminded about a time back before I had my thyroid surgery. It was about a month after the nodule was discovered and appointments were being made to discuss having a biopsy done on it to rule out cancer. As I searched the Internet gathering information and my stomach was churning it seemed like I was going to be faced with a difficult decision.
One afternoon a week later I was doing some cooking and had some praise music on. Everyone was gone and I was home alone. A song came on that caused me to put everything down and go sit and pull out my Bible. As I opened to a verse that came to mind, one that I have never read before there were these words: Psalm 118:17 I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done.
Those words hit me like a ton of bricks one moment and the next moment it felt like someone literally, physically lifted something off of my back. I knew in that moment that my nodule was not cancerous. Something inside me changed so drastically and gave me a confidence I had never experienced before in the face of such difficulty.
When my appointment arrived to have the biopsy done I made the choice to not take the pre-op medicine to help you relax before they stick a huge needle in your neck...yuck. I knew that either the nodule would be gone or the biopsy would not happen. I chose not to cancel the appointment because for some reason I felt strongly that I still needed to go. When I went in and they started prepping me, the nurse fired up the ultrasound and sure enough...the nodule was still there. I thought..."Oh, great, what have I done." There was this adrenaline rush and huge feelings of doubt. And, truth be told, I started scolding myself for being such a nut case for thinking like this and not taking that medicine to help me get through the procedure.
About ten minutes passed and I was so close to bolting off that table. I felt numb and couldn't figure out how I misunderstood what God had showed me, and how I felt He was leading me. But, then the surgeon came in. He was a really friendly guy and seemed like he had a steady hand...Praise God :-). He grabbed the ultrasound wand and took a look at the nodule himself. After about 30 seconds he looked at me and said, "And, why are we doing a biopsy on this thing?". I burst out laughing and said, "I don't know, I think its crazy too." So, he called my doctor and they spoke for a moment and everyone agreed that this nodule did not look cancerous, although its really impossible to tell 100%, and decided this thing should not be touched. Woohooo. I couldn't believe my ears. I realized in that moment that God had shown himself loud and clear. It felt like such a huge victory.
The difficult part is that its been hard to carry around that original confidence that He placed in my heart on that specific day as time as gone on. But, what I felt like He was reminding of was how I knew one thing for sure before walking into that appointment. I knew that God had shown me that my nodule was not cancerous, and I had nothing to be afraid of.
So, yesterday I shared the story with my friend who was feeling nervous about her appointment and after I got off the phone, I thanked God for reminding me of such a powerful time. Reminding me that I had let go of that confidence that made me walk with such conviction that even a needle to the neck didn't scare me. And, that as I walked with conviction, confidence and expectation...that God would be delighted to show up and make His Glory known.
I recently read a quote by Saint Irenaeus that said, "The glory of God is man fully alive." Honestly, when a person feels sick 24/7, its hard to feel fully alive and embrace God's word that says, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10) But, He says that's why He came...and so I believe Him.
I have to say that the day I got up off that operating table at the hospital after not having that biopsy done...I did feel fully alive. I felt something that I will never forget. It was just a taste of what God is trying to do in our lives. Who would of thought that something like that would have a lasting impression on my walk with God.
So, today I sit here on an overcast, Tuesday morning. Whitney was up coughing last night until nearly 1:00 a.m., Sydney had major bloody nose around 3:30 a.m. and didn't go back to sleep until about 4:00 a.m. and I didn't go back to sleep until almost 5:30 a.m. I won't pretend that I'm feeling like "all that and a bag of chips." I'm exhausted on top of being exhausted. But, if I can sit here and enjoy the presence of the Lord and what He has done for me and what He will do today, and in the future...then I think I'm having a small piece of the abundant life. I think these are the days where my love for God and my own faithfulness are lived out. Not the days when I have everything going according to plan and things fall into place so easily. No, today is the day that I feel incredibly grateful and thankful for all that God has done. The sun is not shining outside my window...the birds have found a different tree in someone else's yard to hang out in. But, inside my heart the sun is shining today. It feels full and ready to dive deeper into life than ever before.
John 7:38
Whoever believes in me as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him."
Have an abundant day, no matter what you are feeling or what the circumstances. God is good.
Blessings, Tanya
September 23, 2007
Just an Update
It's been an interesting week for me on many levels. I guess I can start with trying new meds...sigh. The cortisol cream lasted for about four days before I had to give it up. It made me so exhausted all I could do was just lay there in bed in a state between wanting to sleep it off and not being able to sleep at all. Too tired to read and yet not tired enough to take a full nap. Very frustrating. I tried the thyroid meds once so far. Felt the same basic feeling. Really tired.
I told my friend the other day, maybe I'm just meant to lay here and heal that way :-/. Its so frustrating to know what your body needs but then your body not accept it. Just doesn't make sense to me and I can easily spend hours laying here trying to think of solutions. That just usually leads me to more exhaustion.
You would think after all this time I would have accepted the fact that this is where I am, but I still have these lightening bolt moments that jerk me around and remind me of how I used to be. I miss running so much that I feel like I'm going to come right out of my skin. Not just hitting the road for a jog, but running with my kids. Chasing them all over and tackling them on the lawn. I know they miss it too because they have been reminding me more lately about the stuff I "used" to do with them. It feels a bit like a bee sting every time one of those memories gets brought up.
Sunday's are still my Achilles heal wishing so bad that we were all getting ready to go to church as a family. Especially on Family Meal Time that our church has once a month. It's a potluck event and after the service we have a chance to eat together and visit with people that you haven't had a chance to see in a while. We always left feeling that we made a deeper connection with more people and couldn't wait for another opportunity to deepen that relationship down the road.
Right now I'm still working through my book "Shattering Strongholds". Here are some things that I highlighted for myself in the book so far:
"Too many in the Church today see themselves in terms of their pasts, their upbringing, their shattered marriages, their lost jobs, their lack of money, etc. The don't see themselves in terms of their potential in Christ."
"Scripturally correct teaching will not automatically clear up wrong ideas. Truth can be twisted when it has to filter its way through a mind filled with strongholds."
It's been a great book to read so far and its definitely packed with a lot of things that make me stop and really process. I'm reading this book a lot slower than usual. My best friend always makes fun of me because I can charge through books pretty fast. The problem is that I miss a lot sometimes and have to go back and reread some things. So, I am trying to go slow, digest, and then go on to the next area. We'll see if this serves me better :-).
I think I'm feeling a bit worn out lately...I mean more emotionally worn out as of late. When I feel better I try to do more with my kids and family and friends. Try to reconnect with others and let them know I am still here and they are still important. But, lately I have had a few friends going through some difficult times and have been spending a lot of energy on being there. I just don't know if I have the stamina to keep that up right now. I'm still trying to keep my own head above water. I so love to see people encouraged and grow. Its a passion of mine really. After losing my mom and going through my divorce I only had a few friends who truly supported me. One lived in California...God bless you Janelle, and my best friend here Monica, and the other was my good pal from Northwest College Daniel. I know what it feels like to be in pain and look around you only to find everyone either too busy or too wrapped up in their own stuff. I know what it feels like to go to bed at night and wonder how you are going to make it through tomorrow. Its not a dramatic statement, it is a true reality when you are grieving the loss of a mother or a marriage. So, when I see my friends suffering in these ways I can't help but want to help give them hope. Because that's what we are all looking for during these dark times. We all need someone who is willing to get in there with us during the yucky stuff. Its not pretty to be vulnerable, needy, confused, and overwhelmed on every level. None of us want to show that side and its very hard to find people who will roll their sleeves all the way up and help with the dirty work. People who can still see who we REALLY are through all the mascara streaks and melt downs. I want to be that person and yet I'm finding myself so fatigued and worn out that its been more difficult for me to do that. Its yet another area I feel like I'm letting people down with this illness. And, its yet another area I have to trust that God will bring the right person into these friends' lives who can be that right now.
Well, speaking of tired...I'm wiped from writing and Spencer walked in wanting to play a game together...I know there will be a day when I have energy for both. I know God is moving on my behalf and I know there will be a day when I can sit with my friends in the ashes of their lives as they heal and move forward. I have to believe that my own story includes healing and moving forward. God is good!
Blessings, Tanya
I told my friend the other day, maybe I'm just meant to lay here and heal that way :-/. Its so frustrating to know what your body needs but then your body not accept it. Just doesn't make sense to me and I can easily spend hours laying here trying to think of solutions. That just usually leads me to more exhaustion.
You would think after all this time I would have accepted the fact that this is where I am, but I still have these lightening bolt moments that jerk me around and remind me of how I used to be. I miss running so much that I feel like I'm going to come right out of my skin. Not just hitting the road for a jog, but running with my kids. Chasing them all over and tackling them on the lawn. I know they miss it too because they have been reminding me more lately about the stuff I "used" to do with them. It feels a bit like a bee sting every time one of those memories gets brought up.
Sunday's are still my Achilles heal wishing so bad that we were all getting ready to go to church as a family. Especially on Family Meal Time that our church has once a month. It's a potluck event and after the service we have a chance to eat together and visit with people that you haven't had a chance to see in a while. We always left feeling that we made a deeper connection with more people and couldn't wait for another opportunity to deepen that relationship down the road.
Right now I'm still working through my book "Shattering Strongholds". Here are some things that I highlighted for myself in the book so far:
"Too many in the Church today see themselves in terms of their pasts, their upbringing, their shattered marriages, their lost jobs, their lack of money, etc. The don't see themselves in terms of their potential in Christ."
"Scripturally correct teaching will not automatically clear up wrong ideas. Truth can be twisted when it has to filter its way through a mind filled with strongholds."
It's been a great book to read so far and its definitely packed with a lot of things that make me stop and really process. I'm reading this book a lot slower than usual. My best friend always makes fun of me because I can charge through books pretty fast. The problem is that I miss a lot sometimes and have to go back and reread some things. So, I am trying to go slow, digest, and then go on to the next area. We'll see if this serves me better :-).
I think I'm feeling a bit worn out lately...I mean more emotionally worn out as of late. When I feel better I try to do more with my kids and family and friends. Try to reconnect with others and let them know I am still here and they are still important. But, lately I have had a few friends going through some difficult times and have been spending a lot of energy on being there. I just don't know if I have the stamina to keep that up right now. I'm still trying to keep my own head above water. I so love to see people encouraged and grow. Its a passion of mine really. After losing my mom and going through my divorce I only had a few friends who truly supported me. One lived in California...God bless you Janelle, and my best friend here Monica, and the other was my good pal from Northwest College Daniel. I know what it feels like to be in pain and look around you only to find everyone either too busy or too wrapped up in their own stuff. I know what it feels like to go to bed at night and wonder how you are going to make it through tomorrow. Its not a dramatic statement, it is a true reality when you are grieving the loss of a mother or a marriage. So, when I see my friends suffering in these ways I can't help but want to help give them hope. Because that's what we are all looking for during these dark times. We all need someone who is willing to get in there with us during the yucky stuff. Its not pretty to be vulnerable, needy, confused, and overwhelmed on every level. None of us want to show that side and its very hard to find people who will roll their sleeves all the way up and help with the dirty work. People who can still see who we REALLY are through all the mascara streaks and melt downs. I want to be that person and yet I'm finding myself so fatigued and worn out that its been more difficult for me to do that. Its yet another area I feel like I'm letting people down with this illness. And, its yet another area I have to trust that God will bring the right person into these friends' lives who can be that right now.
Well, speaking of tired...I'm wiped from writing and Spencer walked in wanting to play a game together...I know there will be a day when I have energy for both. I know God is moving on my behalf and I know there will be a day when I can sit with my friends in the ashes of their lives as they heal and move forward. I have to believe that my own story includes healing and moving forward. God is good!
Blessings, Tanya
September 21, 2007
Hurry Sickness by Constance Rhodes
(This article is courtesy of HomeLife.)
The other day, I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. “How are things?” Greg asked, as we waited in line at Starbucks. “CRAZY!” I answered. “But, good!” I hastily added, as if to assure both of us that while I was indeed busy, I had it all under control. As I began rattling off the things that were going on in my life, an unmistakable flash of concern crossed Greg’s face.
“Are you OK?” he asked. “You look a little thin.”
“I’m fine,” I assured him. “I’ve just been working a lot.” And I had been. So much, in fact, that I hadn’t eaten or slept well for longer than I could remember. The truth was I had unwittingly fallen victim to a newly named disease: Hurry Sickness.
Our Romance with ChaosThe term Hurry Sickness was coined by Dr. Meyer Friedman. Incidentally, this is the same guy who first identified the Type A personality; you know, the one that describes driven, overachiever types?
Even if you’re not Type A, chances are you, too, have fallen victim to Hurry Sickness.
Just consider how frustrated you feel when the car in front of you is driving a few miles below the speed limit. Or you’re in such a hurry that something as basic as going to the bathroom can seem like an unnecessary luxury.
Running from one commitment to the next, trading time spent with friends and family for the ability to feel productive, you find yourself fantasizing about what it would be like to unplug from the world for a few days and just breathe. Well, maybe that’s not such a bad idea.
Hurry, Worry, and Fear“Working at breakneck speed for extended periods of time does not enhance productivity; it reduces it,” says Dr. Edward Hallowell, author of CrazyBusy: Overstretched, Overbooked, and About to Snap! “When we work too fast for too long we get tired, become inefficient, make mistakes, and become unable to think clearly and sharply.”
Living in such a chronic state of stress also can have a dramatic impact on our health, triggering problems like allergies, arthritis, obesity, diabetes, depression, anxiety, and, in my case, insomnia and loss of appetite.
There are other trade-offs to consider, too. With no margin for recreation, our bodies and minds stay in a constant state of overstimulation, making it hard to relax and just be content. Since time is money, we begin to make decisions about our relationships based on how they can serve our needs, rather than exploring how we can serve others. Eventually, our lives become more about surviving the day than about embracing life.
So, why do we keep this frenetic pace? I have a theory: We’re afraid. Afraid of being still and facing the reality of our disappointments. Afraid that if we don’t take care of something ourselves, it won’t be done right. Afraid that if we set boundaries, we might let someone down.
More than anything, I think we live each day with the fear that if we say no to something, we might miss out on an opportunity critical to achieving our dreams, hopes, and purpose in life. And here is where we play right into the hands of our enemy: We’re too busy to take time to hear what God is saying about how we are to live our lives.
The Antidote: Faith! If anyone could have fallen victim to Hurry Sickness, it would have been Jesus. Talk about a purpose-driven life; He was called to save the entire human race! Jesus certainly had the right to multitask, yet He didn’t live as you or I might if we knew we only had 33 years on this earth. Instead, His life was an example of choosing substance over volume. He spent time away from work to be with God. He shared long, slow meals with His disciples. He even took His time when Lazarus died — a story where we learn God is often glorified the most when our plans and our timing fail.
In Jesus’ life, we find the only true antidote to Hurry Sickness: faith in God. Too often, however, we assume responsibility for running our lives. Not only does this propagate fear and frustration, but it’s literally an exercise in futility.
Proverbs 19:21 tells us, “Many plans are in a man’s heart, but the Lord’s decree will prevail.”
On a practical level, this means that, in spite of our best efforts at controlling our lives, God’s plan will prevail in the end — whether we like it or not. It also means we can’t mess up God’s plans for our lives by saying no to something we don’t need to be doing. Since God is a God of order, it means we don’t have to live a chaotic, burned-out life to fulfill His calling for us. Such knowledge gives us permission to reset our priorities, putting relationship with God, family, and friends before all the things we think we must get done.
Hurry Sickness may be a reality of our culture, but it doesn’t have to be a reality of our lives. As Christ-followers, we can choose to live lives that are set apart. We can actively seek to become more attuned to God’s voice than we are to the ding of our e-mail. And we can learn to trust that we don’t have to be in control of everything.
As we do these things, we come closer to reflecting the character of God. And maybe, in that place of choosing God’s character, we’ll find those moments to just be — to breathe in the air, the life, and the beauty around us, lift our eyes toward heaven, and worship the One who created it all.
Constance Rhodes lives in Franklin, Tenn. She is the editor of the book The Art of Being.
The other day, I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. “How are things?” Greg asked, as we waited in line at Starbucks. “CRAZY!” I answered. “But, good!” I hastily added, as if to assure both of us that while I was indeed busy, I had it all under control. As I began rattling off the things that were going on in my life, an unmistakable flash of concern crossed Greg’s face.
“Are you OK?” he asked. “You look a little thin.”
“I’m fine,” I assured him. “I’ve just been working a lot.” And I had been. So much, in fact, that I hadn’t eaten or slept well for longer than I could remember. The truth was I had unwittingly fallen victim to a newly named disease: Hurry Sickness.
Our Romance with ChaosThe term Hurry Sickness was coined by Dr. Meyer Friedman. Incidentally, this is the same guy who first identified the Type A personality; you know, the one that describes driven, overachiever types?
Even if you’re not Type A, chances are you, too, have fallen victim to Hurry Sickness.
Just consider how frustrated you feel when the car in front of you is driving a few miles below the speed limit. Or you’re in such a hurry that something as basic as going to the bathroom can seem like an unnecessary luxury.
Running from one commitment to the next, trading time spent with friends and family for the ability to feel productive, you find yourself fantasizing about what it would be like to unplug from the world for a few days and just breathe. Well, maybe that’s not such a bad idea.
Hurry, Worry, and Fear“Working at breakneck speed for extended periods of time does not enhance productivity; it reduces it,” says Dr. Edward Hallowell, author of CrazyBusy: Overstretched, Overbooked, and About to Snap! “When we work too fast for too long we get tired, become inefficient, make mistakes, and become unable to think clearly and sharply.”
Living in such a chronic state of stress also can have a dramatic impact on our health, triggering problems like allergies, arthritis, obesity, diabetes, depression, anxiety, and, in my case, insomnia and loss of appetite.
There are other trade-offs to consider, too. With no margin for recreation, our bodies and minds stay in a constant state of overstimulation, making it hard to relax and just be content. Since time is money, we begin to make decisions about our relationships based on how they can serve our needs, rather than exploring how we can serve others. Eventually, our lives become more about surviving the day than about embracing life.
So, why do we keep this frenetic pace? I have a theory: We’re afraid. Afraid of being still and facing the reality of our disappointments. Afraid that if we don’t take care of something ourselves, it won’t be done right. Afraid that if we set boundaries, we might let someone down.
More than anything, I think we live each day with the fear that if we say no to something, we might miss out on an opportunity critical to achieving our dreams, hopes, and purpose in life. And here is where we play right into the hands of our enemy: We’re too busy to take time to hear what God is saying about how we are to live our lives.
The Antidote: Faith! If anyone could have fallen victim to Hurry Sickness, it would have been Jesus. Talk about a purpose-driven life; He was called to save the entire human race! Jesus certainly had the right to multitask, yet He didn’t live as you or I might if we knew we only had 33 years on this earth. Instead, His life was an example of choosing substance over volume. He spent time away from work to be with God. He shared long, slow meals with His disciples. He even took His time when Lazarus died — a story where we learn God is often glorified the most when our plans and our timing fail.
In Jesus’ life, we find the only true antidote to Hurry Sickness: faith in God. Too often, however, we assume responsibility for running our lives. Not only does this propagate fear and frustration, but it’s literally an exercise in futility.
Proverbs 19:21 tells us, “Many plans are in a man’s heart, but the Lord’s decree will prevail.”
On a practical level, this means that, in spite of our best efforts at controlling our lives, God’s plan will prevail in the end — whether we like it or not. It also means we can’t mess up God’s plans for our lives by saying no to something we don’t need to be doing. Since God is a God of order, it means we don’t have to live a chaotic, burned-out life to fulfill His calling for us. Such knowledge gives us permission to reset our priorities, putting relationship with God, family, and friends before all the things we think we must get done.
Hurry Sickness may be a reality of our culture, but it doesn’t have to be a reality of our lives. As Christ-followers, we can choose to live lives that are set apart. We can actively seek to become more attuned to God’s voice than we are to the ding of our e-mail. And we can learn to trust that we don’t have to be in control of everything.
As we do these things, we come closer to reflecting the character of God. And maybe, in that place of choosing God’s character, we’ll find those moments to just be — to breathe in the air, the life, and the beauty around us, lift our eyes toward heaven, and worship the One who created it all.
Constance Rhodes lives in Franklin, Tenn. She is the editor of the book The Art of Being.
September 19, 2007
Doing Something New
Do you ever dream about just selling everything and going on a long journey? I've always loved the idea of selling our house, buying a nice RV, packing up the kids and traveling around the US for awhile. I have this vision of us loaded up with our bikes, golf clubs and balls and bats driving down the beautiful coast line. Stopping here and there for surfing lessons, swimming with the dolphins at Sea World, and Bob and I taking long, slow walks on the beach. I see my body healing itself just from the doses of fresh salt water air and allowing the tide to pull all of this junk out of my body. I see us laughing, discussing, debating, praying, running and enjoying life from a whole new perspective.
My terminal flaw is that its hard for me to just think about that and then let it go. I actually have the nerve to start crunching numbers and see if it is actually feasible to do such an outlandish thing. Once I start doing real planning, reality sets in. What would Bob do for a job when we returned? How would the kids feel about leaving our home and friends? What about when we came back? Where would we live? Would we have enough money left over to buy another house in the same neighborhood? Or is the whole idea of letting go of a safe, secure, tidy little life all about seeing what other possibilities are out there? Are we so afraid of letting go of our 7000 square foot lot and comfortable routine that we never allow ourselves a chance to realize bigger dreams? Are we afraid of being alone with our families and not having a crazy schedule?
To me, it sounds like heaven on earth. To have my kids all together and have their undivided attention. Not competing with the next soccer match, or swim lessons. But, discovering things together that we never would have had the chance to otherwise. I guess that's what summer vacations are for, but I have yet to see it fully work out that way for most of us. Its usually a week here or two weeks there and then right back to it. Does that afford us the time to make lasting impressions and changes in the lives of our children or family? I don't know. I'm just talking out loud here. Maybe I'm trying to talk myself out of a crazy dream.
Well, if you see a big CASADEGORE sign on the back of a big RV heading south to the beach I guess that means I answered my own questions :-). In the meantime, I'm going to keep dreaming and taking those virtual walks on the beach with my husband while my kids and Buddy the dog are behind us racing the waves back and forth.
Blessings, Tanya
My terminal flaw is that its hard for me to just think about that and then let it go. I actually have the nerve to start crunching numbers and see if it is actually feasible to do such an outlandish thing. Once I start doing real planning, reality sets in. What would Bob do for a job when we returned? How would the kids feel about leaving our home and friends? What about when we came back? Where would we live? Would we have enough money left over to buy another house in the same neighborhood? Or is the whole idea of letting go of a safe, secure, tidy little life all about seeing what other possibilities are out there? Are we so afraid of letting go of our 7000 square foot lot and comfortable routine that we never allow ourselves a chance to realize bigger dreams? Are we afraid of being alone with our families and not having a crazy schedule?
To me, it sounds like heaven on earth. To have my kids all together and have their undivided attention. Not competing with the next soccer match, or swim lessons. But, discovering things together that we never would have had the chance to otherwise. I guess that's what summer vacations are for, but I have yet to see it fully work out that way for most of us. Its usually a week here or two weeks there and then right back to it. Does that afford us the time to make lasting impressions and changes in the lives of our children or family? I don't know. I'm just talking out loud here. Maybe I'm trying to talk myself out of a crazy dream.
Well, if you see a big CASADEGORE sign on the back of a big RV heading south to the beach I guess that means I answered my own questions :-). In the meantime, I'm going to keep dreaming and taking those virtual walks on the beach with my husband while my kids and Buddy the dog are behind us racing the waves back and forth.
Blessings, Tanya
September 14, 2007
Prayer for a couple friends
I have two women that I stay in contact with via e-mail. One I actually met when I went to Fresno this last Spring. Both of these women are as sick as I am and in desperate need of some answers. Julie is the one living in Fresno and she has been having problems with low potassium to the point she had to go to the ER a few nights ago. Her blood pressure was 100/0. I've never heard of that before. The rest of her story is similar to mine.
My other friend is from Kansas City, Suzanne and she has heart issues and cannot tolerate meds like me. She has had a difficult time finding anyone who really knows what they are doing.
My heart feels so heavy for all three of us sometimes. I feel like I want desperately to help them, even though I can't even help myself most days. Tonight as I was praying for them and searching for an encouraging verse I felt the Lord prompt me to Isaiah 58. Its a chapter on true fasting. I knew that it wasn't a chapter for them, but for me. I felt like the Lord would have me do some fasting on their behalf. Even though I cannot fast food which is the most traditional thing people think of, fasting can be giving up anything that feels like a sacrifice. Its different for everyone and so I won't speak here as to what I'm going to do.
I do, however, want to humbly ask if anyone would like to join me. Not just to pray for me or my friends, but anyone you know in your own life who is going through extra struggles right now. Maybe its you that's struggling, it can be anyone. I'm doing my fast for 30 days and one of the reasons I'm sharing this is for accountability. Discipline isn't my strong suit, so I find my friends help me stay the course. If you want to let me know you are joining me, that would be great...if not...I understand. I feel like its another opportunity to see God's glory in our lives and in those we care about. Some things in life require us to go the extra mile and I see fasting something as one of those things. I'm believing for walls of disease and illness to be broken, for bodies to be restored and lives to change. I could use some company in this quest if you would care to join.
Many Blessings, Tanya
PS: Here is a link to an article regarding fasting and on Isaiah 58
http://www.crosswalk.com/11549851/
My other friend is from Kansas City, Suzanne and she has heart issues and cannot tolerate meds like me. She has had a difficult time finding anyone who really knows what they are doing.
My heart feels so heavy for all three of us sometimes. I feel like I want desperately to help them, even though I can't even help myself most days. Tonight as I was praying for them and searching for an encouraging verse I felt the Lord prompt me to Isaiah 58. Its a chapter on true fasting. I knew that it wasn't a chapter for them, but for me. I felt like the Lord would have me do some fasting on their behalf. Even though I cannot fast food which is the most traditional thing people think of, fasting can be giving up anything that feels like a sacrifice. Its different for everyone and so I won't speak here as to what I'm going to do.
I do, however, want to humbly ask if anyone would like to join me. Not just to pray for me or my friends, but anyone you know in your own life who is going through extra struggles right now. Maybe its you that's struggling, it can be anyone. I'm doing my fast for 30 days and one of the reasons I'm sharing this is for accountability. Discipline isn't my strong suit, so I find my friends help me stay the course. If you want to let me know you are joining me, that would be great...if not...I understand. I feel like its another opportunity to see God's glory in our lives and in those we care about. Some things in life require us to go the extra mile and I see fasting something as one of those things. I'm believing for walls of disease and illness to be broken, for bodies to be restored and lives to change. I could use some company in this quest if you would care to join.
Many Blessings, Tanya
PS: Here is a link to an article regarding fasting and on Isaiah 58
http://www.crosswalk.com/11549851/
September 11, 2007
Survival Mode
It's so much easier to talk about coming through difficulties and seeing God's work on the other side, but I don't often blog when I'm feeling really physically ill. I felt a little convicted about that because it can certainly sound like I can get through these times fairly easy. But, my husband can tell you that its nothing like that at all. In fact, I'm sure he is as weary with all of this as I am.
I guess I'm never really sure what causes these set backs. I only know that doctor's and authors of health books speak of them. What they don't speak about is how on top of feeling miserable physically, it can really break your spirit down. I recently read a report from a Lyme health convention that over 80% of the deaths that occur due to this disease are from suicide. That didn't surprise me. Don't fret...I'm not in going down that road for myself. It just goes to show that these things have the potential of stripping away your hopes and dreams and leaving you feeling like a prisoner in your own body.
My biggest challenge is to not let my mind go to places it shouldn't. For example, I've been waiting for this cortisol and thyroid cream to be made and it should have been done last Friday. But, its Tuesday and I still haven't heard from the pharmacy. I've called and they said it would be done today...no luck. So, I'm thinking is God protecting me from something? Is it not even going to work, so why bother calling them and hounding them for it? Or...is it just taking them a while? It has to be mixed with Emu oil, so that had to be special ordered...I was thinking that maybe the Emu's went on strike and are demanding better sleeping arrangements and a three day work week.
I received one of my daily devotions and the caption was "Your Time is Coming". That came last Friday and I was like, "Ya, that's right...my time is coming!!!" Doing my little spiritual happy dance on that day was easy because I wasn't feeling too bad and had some extra sleep under my belt. But, by Monday I certainly wasn't feeling like doing a spiritual cha-cha. In fact, I was feeling the exact opposite. Today was a bit better, but after I have super hard days like that I go to bed begging God to either take me home or bring healing soon. Usually what happens is that, thankfully God doesn't listen to the prior and gives me a portion of the former. And, I have to be thankful for that! I was still able to get my kids to where they needed to be this morning and make it through an appointment in the middle of the day. Its hard to explain what it feels like to have your body just start shutting down without your consent. What's even harder right now is remembering what a healthy body feels like.
So, today was my "gripe on the blog" day and "I so need some prayer right now" blog. I am still clearly a work in progress and have a long way to go on many levels. Thank you for your patience with me and I am doing everything I can to keep my faith alive, not give up and press forward. I keep telling myself that everything in life is temporary and subject to change. I have so much to be thankful for and have to remind myself that just having a grateful heart goes a long way to bring healing both physically and spiritually. I'm being challenged beyond anything I've ever gone through to keep my eyes on God and not my circumstances. The good news is that, Lord willing, when the sun comes up tomorrow I have another chance to look up instead of down.
Psalm 112:4
Even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man.
Blessings, Tanya
I guess I'm never really sure what causes these set backs. I only know that doctor's and authors of health books speak of them. What they don't speak about is how on top of feeling miserable physically, it can really break your spirit down. I recently read a report from a Lyme health convention that over 80% of the deaths that occur due to this disease are from suicide. That didn't surprise me. Don't fret...I'm not in going down that road for myself. It just goes to show that these things have the potential of stripping away your hopes and dreams and leaving you feeling like a prisoner in your own body.
My biggest challenge is to not let my mind go to places it shouldn't. For example, I've been waiting for this cortisol and thyroid cream to be made and it should have been done last Friday. But, its Tuesday and I still haven't heard from the pharmacy. I've called and they said it would be done today...no luck. So, I'm thinking is God protecting me from something? Is it not even going to work, so why bother calling them and hounding them for it? Or...is it just taking them a while? It has to be mixed with Emu oil, so that had to be special ordered...I was thinking that maybe the Emu's went on strike and are demanding better sleeping arrangements and a three day work week.
I received one of my daily devotions and the caption was "Your Time is Coming". That came last Friday and I was like, "Ya, that's right...my time is coming!!!" Doing my little spiritual happy dance on that day was easy because I wasn't feeling too bad and had some extra sleep under my belt. But, by Monday I certainly wasn't feeling like doing a spiritual cha-cha. In fact, I was feeling the exact opposite. Today was a bit better, but after I have super hard days like that I go to bed begging God to either take me home or bring healing soon. Usually what happens is that, thankfully God doesn't listen to the prior and gives me a portion of the former. And, I have to be thankful for that! I was still able to get my kids to where they needed to be this morning and make it through an appointment in the middle of the day. Its hard to explain what it feels like to have your body just start shutting down without your consent. What's even harder right now is remembering what a healthy body feels like.
So, today was my "gripe on the blog" day and "I so need some prayer right now" blog. I am still clearly a work in progress and have a long way to go on many levels. Thank you for your patience with me and I am doing everything I can to keep my faith alive, not give up and press forward. I keep telling myself that everything in life is temporary and subject to change. I have so much to be thankful for and have to remind myself that just having a grateful heart goes a long way to bring healing both physically and spiritually. I'm being challenged beyond anything I've ever gone through to keep my eyes on God and not my circumstances. The good news is that, Lord willing, when the sun comes up tomorrow I have another chance to look up instead of down.
Psalm 112:4
Even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man.
Blessings, Tanya
September 9, 2007
2nd Corinthians 10:3-5
"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
I'm doing a study on "Strongholds" right now and I have to say it has been tough for me to dive into this. However, when you know the Lord is shining a light on a certain area, I have found it counterproductive to ignore the flashlight. So, just to be clear...part of my learning process is this blog. It forces me to be clear and put things down in a logical way. Otherwise, these truths swirl around in my head and never take root. Thank you for letting me learn this way and for being a part of the process. I guess I could write it all down in a journal, but I know you all will keep more accountable than an empty notebook would.
The book I'm reading out of was recommended to me by a family friend in Alaska who has prayed for me since I was about 16. It's called "Shattering your Strongholds", by Liberty Savard.
So, here is what she says about it in the workbook: "A personal, inner stronghold is the logic, reasoning, arguments, justifications, rationalizations, and denial you use to protect and defend your right to believe something--regardless of whether or not it is true."
I must confess I haven't gotten very far past this statement. I've been laying awake at night ticking off my list of the above definitions. It's hard to stop and consider that maybe the things you have believed all along have hindered your walk and hindered the Holy Spirit's ability to do His work in you and through you. One of my must uncomfortable places to start is dealing with how I see myself. I have had this life long battle with feeling like I never accomplish enough or I'm not enough for God unless I'm doing, doing, doing. I think being sick has obviously made that become a high light for me to easily take a look at. I try not to struggle against the tide but its hard not to feel less than when I can't be the kind of mom that I had always dreamed of being. My hope is that God will teach me that being a "good mom" doesn't always mean I have to be "doing" things for them. Maybe because of this illness they have had more of my undivided attention than had I been healthy. Maybe my prayers were actually answered in the respect that I have been forced to stop and listen to all of their stories, fears and questions. I have been much better with Sydney and Spencer now than I was with Whitney at this age of making sure I'm looking at them and listening when they talk. The challenge will be when I regain my health and can start "doing more", will I still understand that my value comes from "BE-ing" and not "do-ing"? It's not a quick fix.
There is much more to this story, but for now I will stop and take a break. There will be many more installments to the unraveling of my strongholds and I pray that there will be victory at the end. The Lord is really pressing in on me to believe that ALL things are possible with Him and to Trust Him with all my heart and not lean on my own understanding. Have you ever been "pressed on" by the Lord? It's not always very comfortable...lol! But, I'm going to sit in my intertube and float down the river and see where it takes me :-).
Many Blessings, Tanya
I'm doing a study on "Strongholds" right now and I have to say it has been tough for me to dive into this. However, when you know the Lord is shining a light on a certain area, I have found it counterproductive to ignore the flashlight. So, just to be clear...part of my learning process is this blog. It forces me to be clear and put things down in a logical way. Otherwise, these truths swirl around in my head and never take root. Thank you for letting me learn this way and for being a part of the process. I guess I could write it all down in a journal, but I know you all will keep more accountable than an empty notebook would.
The book I'm reading out of was recommended to me by a family friend in Alaska who has prayed for me since I was about 16. It's called "Shattering your Strongholds", by Liberty Savard.
So, here is what she says about it in the workbook: "A personal, inner stronghold is the logic, reasoning, arguments, justifications, rationalizations, and denial you use to protect and defend your right to believe something--regardless of whether or not it is true."
I must confess I haven't gotten very far past this statement. I've been laying awake at night ticking off my list of the above definitions. It's hard to stop and consider that maybe the things you have believed all along have hindered your walk and hindered the Holy Spirit's ability to do His work in you and through you. One of my must uncomfortable places to start is dealing with how I see myself. I have had this life long battle with feeling like I never accomplish enough or I'm not enough for God unless I'm doing, doing, doing. I think being sick has obviously made that become a high light for me to easily take a look at. I try not to struggle against the tide but its hard not to feel less than when I can't be the kind of mom that I had always dreamed of being. My hope is that God will teach me that being a "good mom" doesn't always mean I have to be "doing" things for them. Maybe because of this illness they have had more of my undivided attention than had I been healthy. Maybe my prayers were actually answered in the respect that I have been forced to stop and listen to all of their stories, fears and questions. I have been much better with Sydney and Spencer now than I was with Whitney at this age of making sure I'm looking at them and listening when they talk. The challenge will be when I regain my health and can start "doing more", will I still understand that my value comes from "BE-ing" and not "do-ing"? It's not a quick fix.
There is much more to this story, but for now I will stop and take a break. There will be many more installments to the unraveling of my strongholds and I pray that there will be victory at the end. The Lord is really pressing in on me to believe that ALL things are possible with Him and to Trust Him with all my heart and not lean on my own understanding. Have you ever been "pressed on" by the Lord? It's not always very comfortable...lol! But, I'm going to sit in my intertube and float down the river and see where it takes me :-).
Many Blessings, Tanya
September 7, 2007
Giving Thanks in all Things
It's been an exciting week filled with birthday parties, new hair cuts and clothes and a new school year. Compared to where I was a year ago, I have had to step back and thank God that I'm not only still here :-), but I've made some big improvements.
Last year I was unable to attend Sydney's birthday party and this year I not only went but got a chance to visit. Sydney kept asking me all week if I was still coming. I guess we all have a hard time getting our hopes up. Tuesday was a meet and greet the teacher/see the new school and it was so crazy there but we managed to stay a whole 20 minutes :-). Wednesday was the first day and I took both Sydney and Spencer to their bus stops, took pictures, gave hugs and high fives feeling so thankful to be able to participate in that experience again. I was however thankful for today because Bob was able to take those duties over so that I can start recovering from all the excitement.
My energy is still low and I tire really easily...mentally and physically. But, its no sacrifice to save my energy for bus and lunch duty :p!
We have some other exciting news that we are waiting for more confirmation on. My brother has a job interview over in Spokane on Monday and may possibly be moving here much sooner than we expected. He obviously needs to go through the process and see if its a good fit, but just the idea of living in the same state as my brother and his family brings me great joy. Unfortunately for me, but fortunately for him I won't be close enough to borrow and break his things or ask to "tag along" on his golf outings. But, close enough that we can drop by and I can give him a hard time. It will be a lot of fun.
Many of you have asked about Sydney and I really appreciate that. She is doing okay physically, but emotionally I think the incident caused a lot of fear. She has been experiencing some anxiety attacks at night and scared to close her eyes. So, we are pursuing some counseling for her since it doesn't seem to be getting better. I'm sure my lack of calm in the heat of the moment when it happened didn't help her at all...maybe I need some help too :-). We hope this will help her get some healing and that it won't be something that causes her distress down the road.
Well, here's to another school year, PTA notices and half-eaten lunches! I hope this finds you and your kids enjoying the fall and excited about learning. It seems like they grow up so fast once they hit school. I asked Spencer if he liked his teacher and he said, "Ya". And, I asked him what he liked about her and he said, "I like her hair!" That's my boy :-).
Blessings, Tanya
Last year I was unable to attend Sydney's birthday party and this year I not only went but got a chance to visit. Sydney kept asking me all week if I was still coming. I guess we all have a hard time getting our hopes up. Tuesday was a meet and greet the teacher/see the new school and it was so crazy there but we managed to stay a whole 20 minutes :-). Wednesday was the first day and I took both Sydney and Spencer to their bus stops, took pictures, gave hugs and high fives feeling so thankful to be able to participate in that experience again. I was however thankful for today because Bob was able to take those duties over so that I can start recovering from all the excitement.
My energy is still low and I tire really easily...mentally and physically. But, its no sacrifice to save my energy for bus and lunch duty :p!
We have some other exciting news that we are waiting for more confirmation on. My brother has a job interview over in Spokane on Monday and may possibly be moving here much sooner than we expected. He obviously needs to go through the process and see if its a good fit, but just the idea of living in the same state as my brother and his family brings me great joy. Unfortunately for me, but fortunately for him I won't be close enough to borrow and break his things or ask to "tag along" on his golf outings. But, close enough that we can drop by and I can give him a hard time. It will be a lot of fun.
Many of you have asked about Sydney and I really appreciate that. She is doing okay physically, but emotionally I think the incident caused a lot of fear. She has been experiencing some anxiety attacks at night and scared to close her eyes. So, we are pursuing some counseling for her since it doesn't seem to be getting better. I'm sure my lack of calm in the heat of the moment when it happened didn't help her at all...maybe I need some help too :-). We hope this will help her get some healing and that it won't be something that causes her distress down the road.
Well, here's to another school year, PTA notices and half-eaten lunches! I hope this finds you and your kids enjoying the fall and excited about learning. It seems like they grow up so fast once they hit school. I asked Spencer if he liked his teacher and he said, "Ya". And, I asked him what he liked about her and he said, "I like her hair!" That's my boy :-).
Blessings, Tanya
September 1, 2007
Trusting - One Step at a Time
Psalm 3:1-4
Oh, Lord, how many are my foes! How many rise up against me! Many are saying of me, "God will not deliver him."
But, you are a shield around me, O Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.
To the Lord I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill.
How easy it can be to look at our circumstances and see nothing but trials and tribulations. Some days you can start to believe the media that the sky is falling, the end is near, why bother trying. How easy is it to see the look in people's eyes and see the doubt that you really indeed will get well. Unbelief is rampant...in each other...in ourselves. The mentality of restoration by our God is wearing thin as time marches on. I am not immune to this either and find myself pondering the question daily..."Lord, will you make yourself known again to this generation?...or have we/I become too complacent to seek you out?" It's easy to say we trust God while we have "enough". Enough health, enough money, enough food. But can we trust Him with our lives when they are stripped of these things?
I have begun to explore this sense of entitlement that I possess. I should be entitled to good health because I've obeyed God's laws to the best of my ability, I have been a good citizen and I have tried to be a good friend. When my health started to go south this feeling of anger really rose up. How can this be? When all three of my kids seem to be sick at the same time or we have an emergency room crisis, I think..."Why is this happening to us?" As if we are immune to earthly challenges. It's a dangerous road for me to be on, because it can invariably lead right to the cross. Me, asking God, WHY????
As I meditate on that question I feel compelled to ask myself another question..."What kind of a woman would I be minus all of the difficulties in my life? Each event has allowed me to be less impressed with myself, more patient and less judgemental of others, and to quote a woman living with terminal cancer..."It moves me away from the mirror and towards the window." The window I'm looking out of is one that looks towards God's house. The answer to the question, "Can I trust God with my life stripped of this world, I find the answer to be, "YES". And, my faith is meaningless unless I have times of having nothing but Him to get me through to the next day. How can I tell my friend who is going through a divorce that God will take care of her, unless I know that for a fact? How can I pray with my friend who is as sick as I am that God is in control, if I don't believe myself? When I am hurting, I certainly don't want theory or a trite answer. I want the truth. I want to know that when I put my trust in God and believe Him for everything I need, that He not only can and will meet those needs according to his will...but He longs to meet those needs.
Since Sydney had her fainting episode we all have been dealing with a little Post-traumatic stress disorder. We joke about it now, but just underneath the surface we all our holding our breath sometimes. I am about to start some cortisol cream and thyroid cream next week that my new doctor has had good success with for "people like me"...and I'm holding my breath a little. None of us want to be disappointed, but God is asking us to believe. The Bible says in John 11:40 "Jesus said to her (Mary), 'Did I not say that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?" That was after he raised Lazarus from the dead.
That verse gives me shivers! I want to see the glory of God, but the process says I MUST first believe. To be honest, on days when I'm so sick that I can't get out of bed this is a stretch for me and I'm still learning one challenge at a time. But, something deep inside me...God's spirit I believe...tells me to just fall back in His arms and let Him fight this battle for me. I guess what I want to say is embrace life's difficulties as a way to get to know your creator more intimately. Allow it to make your faith true.
The last thought I've been meditating on is from Oswald Chambers' book, "My Utmost for His Highest." He shares, "Faith must be tested, because it can only become your intimate possession through conflict. What is challenging your faith right now? The test will either prove your faith right, or it will kill it."
I'm praying tonight that mine will be proved right...but we need to pray for each other that none of us will allow suffering and sorrow to kill it. And, I do believe God is trying to make himself known to this generation. We just have to choose to believe.
Thank you for coming on this journey with me! I pray that we all are able to taste and see that the Lord is good.
Much love and prayers, Tanya
Oh, Lord, how many are my foes! How many rise up against me! Many are saying of me, "God will not deliver him."
But, you are a shield around me, O Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.
To the Lord I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill.
How easy it can be to look at our circumstances and see nothing but trials and tribulations. Some days you can start to believe the media that the sky is falling, the end is near, why bother trying. How easy is it to see the look in people's eyes and see the doubt that you really indeed will get well. Unbelief is rampant...in each other...in ourselves. The mentality of restoration by our God is wearing thin as time marches on. I am not immune to this either and find myself pondering the question daily..."Lord, will you make yourself known again to this generation?...or have we/I become too complacent to seek you out?" It's easy to say we trust God while we have "enough". Enough health, enough money, enough food. But can we trust Him with our lives when they are stripped of these things?
I have begun to explore this sense of entitlement that I possess. I should be entitled to good health because I've obeyed God's laws to the best of my ability, I have been a good citizen and I have tried to be a good friend. When my health started to go south this feeling of anger really rose up. How can this be? When all three of my kids seem to be sick at the same time or we have an emergency room crisis, I think..."Why is this happening to us?" As if we are immune to earthly challenges. It's a dangerous road for me to be on, because it can invariably lead right to the cross. Me, asking God, WHY????
As I meditate on that question I feel compelled to ask myself another question..."What kind of a woman would I be minus all of the difficulties in my life? Each event has allowed me to be less impressed with myself, more patient and less judgemental of others, and to quote a woman living with terminal cancer..."It moves me away from the mirror and towards the window." The window I'm looking out of is one that looks towards God's house. The answer to the question, "Can I trust God with my life stripped of this world, I find the answer to be, "YES". And, my faith is meaningless unless I have times of having nothing but Him to get me through to the next day. How can I tell my friend who is going through a divorce that God will take care of her, unless I know that for a fact? How can I pray with my friend who is as sick as I am that God is in control, if I don't believe myself? When I am hurting, I certainly don't want theory or a trite answer. I want the truth. I want to know that when I put my trust in God and believe Him for everything I need, that He not only can and will meet those needs according to his will...but He longs to meet those needs.
Since Sydney had her fainting episode we all have been dealing with a little Post-traumatic stress disorder. We joke about it now, but just underneath the surface we all our holding our breath sometimes. I am about to start some cortisol cream and thyroid cream next week that my new doctor has had good success with for "people like me"...and I'm holding my breath a little. None of us want to be disappointed, but God is asking us to believe. The Bible says in John 11:40 "Jesus said to her (Mary), 'Did I not say that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?" That was after he raised Lazarus from the dead.
That verse gives me shivers! I want to see the glory of God, but the process says I MUST first believe. To be honest, on days when I'm so sick that I can't get out of bed this is a stretch for me and I'm still learning one challenge at a time. But, something deep inside me...God's spirit I believe...tells me to just fall back in His arms and let Him fight this battle for me. I guess what I want to say is embrace life's difficulties as a way to get to know your creator more intimately. Allow it to make your faith true.
The last thought I've been meditating on is from Oswald Chambers' book, "My Utmost for His Highest." He shares, "Faith must be tested, because it can only become your intimate possession through conflict. What is challenging your faith right now? The test will either prove your faith right, or it will kill it."
I'm praying tonight that mine will be proved right...but we need to pray for each other that none of us will allow suffering and sorrow to kill it. And, I do believe God is trying to make himself known to this generation. We just have to choose to believe.
Thank you for coming on this journey with me! I pray that we all are able to taste and see that the Lord is good.
Much love and prayers, Tanya
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