October 7, 2007

I'm sorry I haven't updated the site myself in a little while. I seem to get on a roll and then go through times of needing to pull inside myself and process and grow privately. It's definitely been one of those seasons for me right now. The growing process for me always starts out by hitting a wall several times, trying to do patchwork on myself and then go back to fully embrace the issues at hand in its entirety. Maybe someday I'll just skip the wall part and go right to the healing part.

Part of my hitting the wall consists of refusing to give up on doctors and supplements and this hope that my healing may be just one pill away. I realized the other day, I don't want to be one of those people who define insanity by doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

So, my journey has taken a new shift. Its time to shove off on a more thoughtful spiritual journey. A person can talk about the Bible, read the Bible but it doesn't guarantee us a journey that will allow us to be the people we were designed to be. It doesn't guarantee us healing or health or prosperity. It's a great starting spot, but there seems to be some things that I've been missing, or actually maybe just not willing to embrace. I think the part I am missing is a journey that actually changes my heart. It changes it in such a way that my mind, my soul, my spirit and my body have no choice but thrive and grow.

My spirit tells me that to get to that place a person has to go deeper within themselves and ask the really hard questions. The ones that we can't answer right away. Such as, "Are there things that I believe that are hindering my healing?", "What IS my purpose here on earth?" (A question that I have chased since youth.), "Why do I always try to take shortcuts?", "What is it that I'm really, really passionate about?" There are more but I'm not ready to put those things out in the universe yet.

I have been doing a lot of studying on the words that we speak, the things that we think, the old tapes that we play over and over in our head. I am just now beginning to realize how powerful our words are. How powerful the law of "believing and receiving" is. People often say, how is that people who aren't "Christians" can have this same philosophy and it actually come true for them? The reason is that it is a universal spiritual law that God created. So, just like gravity is a law of nature and works regardless of whether you believe in the person who designed it, so it is with us believing and receiving. The other truth is that it can work for the negative. You can believe that bad things are going to happen to you and viola', there it is. This is something that I have struggled with my whole life. The challenge for me is that I try to change this thinking and believe for good things to come into my life and if it doesn't happen right away then I get tired and give up.

My journey right now has to take a different route than what its been in the past. I haven't worked out all the details, but I am discussing it with the Big Guy and getting his take on it. Everyone has a different path to healing and wholeness. And, that's the key for me. I don't want to just heal, I want to be whole. Its a lie to think we can separate mind, body and spirit. They are completely connected and so I have to figure out how to get all of these three in agreement. They need to all agree that Tanya is getting whole and is therefor healing. They need to all three agree on what junk needs to go and make way more room for things of the Spirit. The things that will feed me and heal me from the inside out. I believe that God heals us first spiritually and then physically. Since I keep hitting a road block with the doctor's and the meds, maybe I need to place my energy some place more pure. Some place safer that will allow me to rebuild my foundation again. Illness has a way of stripping everything down to the sub floor and I am drowning sometimes trying to figure out how to rebuild it. Its never easy on anyone when someone decides to rebuild. Anyone who goes through the process of a renovation or building their own house can attest to the incredible stress that is placed on everyone. I pray that my family can hang in there with me while my house is filled with dust and dirt waiting for the new hardwoods to be laid down and at least the cabinets put in.

I know that there is no end to this journey and it won't stop after my body resumes its regular tasks again. Its a forever and always thing to be moving forward and peeling back the layers so that you can feel the touch of God in your most sacred places. To be so in touch with the Creator of love that sometimes it feels like you can't even take it...that's where I'm trying to go. So, with nap sack flung over my shoulder and heading towards the rail road tracks I go, I have no idea where this will lead me. I won't even pretend that I know for sure it will get me past the first town I come to. But, determined to live the abundant life I was called to, its a risk I'm willing to take. God is good!
Blessings, Tanya