Several months back I wrote a list about some things I know for sure. As time marches on I have continued to add to that list. But, I've also started a new one..."some things I don't quite know for sure."
Its easy to talk about the things you know and we all love to share that information, and as my friends can testify, I am one of those people. It can be, however, more difficult to admit the things we don't quite have the answers to but desperately wish we did. I always wish I knew what to say to a friend who is struggling emotionally, physically or spiritually. That's a time when everything within me wants to say the right thing that will bring hope, maybe a laugh, or just help them hold on for another minute. And, there are times that I am praying someone can say those things to me. I have many questions for myself that I have been waiting a long time for the answers to.
2007 held many moments of pure desperation for me. Desperately needing to know if I would ever drive again, attend my children's functions, or even just have a full day where I didn't struggle with every move I made. I spent many days laying here asking a lot of questions and not getting many answers. But, somewhere through all of that came a decision. A decision that I didn't have to know everything and that I had to start letting go of the outcome of everything I did. I have always suffered from analysis paralysis and to stop holding on so tightly to the question AND the answer allowed me to take some risks that I believe helped me take a huge leap forward in my health. Like going to California to see a new doctor. That was a huge risk, that involved our whole family and a lot of finances to get down there, meet with him for two days and then drive home. Once I decided that it didn't matter if he helped me or not, that I just needed to go, everything else fell into place.
I also had to start listening and trusting my own instincts that I believe God has placed in all of us. That quiet still voice that says, "This is the way, walk in it." By doing this I started doing a better job at what supplements to take (or not take), when to rest and when to get moving. I am trying to leave the outcome alone. And, also to realize that every thought I think has a direct impact on my body. There is so much that we don't have control over in this world...of which I'm glad. On the flip side, there is some very powerful things that we do have control over. The Bible says to "take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ." I will confess this is no easy task for me since my mind goes 90 miles an hour. However, by stopping the constant analysis of trying to figure out the problem or ruminating over things constantly, it has allowed my body more time to heal, more time to rest. And, as a friend and I were discussing over e-mail the other day...eventually God will reveal the answer if we will just be still and wait long enough.
Right now I'm learning new boundaries all over again. Boundaries in relationships, in my energy levels, and in my own heart. Learning to say, "I don't know!", or "This relationship is too draining.", has been very difficult for me. I would much rather be the person who has the right thing to say at just the right moment. I am realizing now that by setting these boundaries, it pushes me more OUT of the picture and allows God to be more IN the picture. It gives Him the chance to reveal the answer to the questions and to be the healer, provider, comforter.
I know all of this has been God's lesson to me about walking forward without knowing the final destination. The truth is, I know where my "Final Destination" is, so everything else is just the gravy. Letting go, changing the way I think, finding joy in my day no matter what my situation, continuing to practice forgiveness and practicing saying..."I don't know yet.", has the potential for allowing us to reap amazing rewards.
I look back over 2007 and I'm grateful for the things I know for sure. These things are my anchor, my foundation that allows me to move through this world without getting blown around. But, allowing myself to say out loud that "I don't know the answer yet" opens up a whole new opportunity too. So, I am grateful for both.
Heading into 2008 our family will put together our customary "Goals for the Year" list. They may or may not come to fruition, but we love to write them down and then read them over again at the end of the year. There is not one person who can say right now that they know what this new year will bring. But, its okay. That's exciting and a little scary at the same time. Even though we don't have the answers, or even know the questions at this point...its still okay to have a vision or a dream or a desire. I'm still believing that as each day passes, my body gets stronger - emotionally, physically and spiritually, my children grow closer to God and my marriage takes deeper roots. Those are the only things that really matter and that I know for sure!!!!
God is Good!
Blessings, Tanya
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