November 11, 2007

Sorry I've been gone for awhile. I am realizing that the old multi-tasking, executive assistant in me has officially left her job and is now living a new career...healing, sleeping, swallowing meds, sleeping, stretching and breathing, praying, sleeping...and trying to be a mom and wife somewhere in between there. This is not a new transition, but rather new for me to admit. Why can't I let "Wonder Woman" (allegedly in my mind) take off her gear and put on sweats?

I have been trying to do anger management lately for a number of reasons, but one of them is how long it is taking to make these baby steps. I guess it just goes to show you how greedy and ungrateful I can be since last year this time I couldn't even take a shower every day. Now at least I can run to the store with my kids to grab one or two things and get them to the bus stop every day when I need to. I don't mean to sound ungrateful at all and I am always thanking God everytime I can put my pj's up on the shelf and donn real clothes for the day.

This last month has been good wrapped with frustration. The good being that I am still tolerating the liver detox meds and some of the anti-fungals daily. I've never been able to do that so far. The downside is that it leaves me incredibly wiped out some days, and other days really wiped out. Those of you who have had a chronic illness know that there is a difference between the two. The other downside is that the body doesn't only detox toxins from you, but toxic emotions. Just ask my husband :-). Its amazing how much more emotional you get when your body is trying to kick out all the junk and you can't figure out why you are feeling sad about the family dog that died when you were 2-years old.

So, I realized this last week every time I wanted to jump on and update my blog that I can't multi-task like this when I'm in the heat of unloading unwanted things from my body. I have phone calls I still need to make, people that I normally pray with over the phone, my best friend that I talk to all the time...everyone gets put on hold except my family. Its all I can focus on.

As I was coming home from a quick trip the other day I realized that I do have days where I feel incredibly frustrated by this life we are living at the moment. But, God always reminds me that some of my tears have come through surrendering. And, that's a good thing. He took me back to a time when I was leaving a doctor's office about three months ago and as I climbed back into the car tears started gushing out. Just out of the blue. I am usually too exhausted after these appointments to even muster a grunt, but this time came a huge flood. The kids were in the car so I was pressing my forehead against the window, one because I didn't want them to see me and two because my face was so hot that the cool window felt good. The truth was that when I got in the car I knew that I knew that I knew, that she didn't have anything new and I was still in the same place. But, this time the tears where met with my heart just telling God that it was okay with me. That if this is where He has me then that's okay. I will love Him anyway. I will trust Him anyway. Psalm 138:8 says, "The Lord will perfect that which concerns me." I can't tell you how many times a day I say this to myself and I say it out loud. I'm sure the neighbors who see me rambling outside in the front yard during the day, mumbling this to myself are probably growing quite concerned...lol.

All this was to say...that I am getting better. I am doing a bit more each week, I accept my setbacks as part of the process (most of the time), and I know that I will see "The goodness of the Lord in the land of the living" in whatever form it comes to me. And, it may just come in the simple form of learning how to breath.

God is good!!

Blessings, Tanya