Survival Mode

It's so much easier to talk about coming through difficulties and seeing God's work on the other side, but I don't often blog when I'm feeling really physically ill. I felt a little convicted about that because it can certainly sound like I can get through these times fairly easy. But, my husband can tell you that its nothing like that at all. In fact, I'm sure he is as weary with all of this as I am.

I guess I'm never really sure what causes these set backs. I only know that doctor's and authors of health books speak of them. What they don't speak about is how on top of feeling miserable physically, it can really break your spirit down. I recently read a report from a Lyme health convention that over 80% of the deaths that occur due to this disease are from suicide. That didn't surprise me. Don't fret...I'm not in going down that road for myself. It just goes to show that these things have the potential of stripping away your hopes and dreams and leaving you feeling like a prisoner in your own body.

My biggest challenge is to not let my mind go to places it shouldn't. For example, I've been waiting for this cortisol and thyroid cream to be made and it should have been done last Friday. But, its Tuesday and I still haven't heard from the pharmacy. I've called and they said it would be done today...no luck. So, I'm thinking is God protecting me from something? Is it not even going to work, so why bother calling them and hounding them for it? Or...is it just taking them a while? It has to be mixed with Emu oil, so that had to be special ordered...I was thinking that maybe the Emu's went on strike and are demanding better sleeping arrangements and a three day work week.

I received one of my daily devotions and the caption was "Your Time is Coming". That came last Friday and I was like, "Ya, that's right...my time is coming!!!" Doing my little spiritual happy dance on that day was easy because I wasn't feeling too bad and had some extra sleep under my belt. But, by Monday I certainly wasn't feeling like doing a spiritual cha-cha. In fact, I was feeling the exact opposite. Today was a bit better, but after I have super hard days like that I go to bed begging God to either take me home or bring healing soon. Usually what happens is that, thankfully God doesn't listen to the prior and gives me a portion of the former. And, I have to be thankful for that! I was still able to get my kids to where they needed to be this morning and make it through an appointment in the middle of the day. Its hard to explain what it feels like to have your body just start shutting down without your consent. What's even harder right now is remembering what a healthy body feels like.

So, today was my "gripe on the blog" day and "I so need some prayer right now" blog. I am still clearly a work in progress and have a long way to go on many levels. Thank you for your patience with me and I am doing everything I can to keep my faith alive, not give up and press forward. I keep telling myself that everything in life is temporary and subject to change. I have so much to be thankful for and have to remind myself that just having a grateful heart goes a long way to bring healing both physically and spiritually. I'm being challenged beyond anything I've ever gone through to keep my eyes on God and not my circumstances. The good news is that, Lord willing, when the sun comes up tomorrow I have another chance to look up instead of down.

Psalm 112:4
Even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man.

Blessings, Tanya