October 12, 2007

So, just when I swear off doctors...dun, dun, dun...I see one today :-). I must first say that I know that had it not been for my doctors I would still be in bed. I do know that. But, I go through these miserable cycles of feeling so desperate that they become my god. It becomes necessary to step away from my own craziness and retreat back to that internal place where I can make healthy decisions. Not get so fed up at times with this process that I become the equivalent of doing "Drink and Dial". I become "Freak and Dial".

It actually was just supposed to be a quick update with my Lyme specialist that I haven't seen in awhile. The original appointment was for Whitney because of her chronic sinus infections. And, I must say that I'm so excited about the results and we have a great plan to get her back on track.

My part ended up being an unexpected, total answer to my prayers too. As I was going through my testing process it showed that my Lyme and metals are not showing up. Woohoo. Huge answer to prayer. My doctor was so surprised because she thought the metals portion would take FORever to get rid of. I'm not completely rid of them but they aren't interfering at this point. My big problem is that I continue to struggle with the molds. They are affecting my liver and its just keeping me stuck. So, today we came up with some great treatments that I'm believing...along with my continued spiritual progress :-) that it will get me moving again in the right direction. I know there are some things in my house contributing to my illness and Bob and I are trying to figure out what we should do. Its not an easy fix. And, it may not be just this house. We are back to considering our options for where we should live, hopefully after Whitney graduates.

I just think its ironic that when I decide to take a break from the doctors while I work out more emotional/spiritual stuff that I get such great feedback and some clearer direction. That is what I've been praying for and it is such a blessing to get that answer. Sometimes taking our hands off of "that thing" allows God to bring his blessings the way HE chooses. More lessons, more lessons...does it ever get easier :-)???

The truth is that the real change I feel is in my heart. I don't feel different physically since finding out the news. I didn't feel different physically before I went in. But, I did go in expecting a good report, expecting that my doctor would have clear direction for me and that everything would match up with what I feel my inner voice and God's voice has been telling me. I feel stronger in that I know now more than ever that every word that comes out of my mouth has the power to give life or give death. I can bless or I can curse. That what I say I have is what I end up having. That my old mantra's of "This is too hard." and "I can't handle being sick anymore.", absolutely had to change regardless of how I was feeling. I have replaced them with words that speak to being whole, reminding myself that I'm okay and deserve health, and I tend to hum along to that song, "The Joy of the Lord is my Strength." Sounds corny but I actually see my liver and adrenals doing some dance from "Dancing with the Stars." They really get down and are filled with incredible joy. I know it gives them a break from my years of worry and stress. They are so grateful to me for allowing them to dance and heal.

Okay, this is starting to sound a bit crazy and weird so I'm going to wrap it up for tonight. I'm sure after I post this I'll think of a more sane way to articulate all of these feelings. Tonight, though, you get the spontaneous, joyful, giggly, version. I hope you don't mind.
God is Good!!!
Blessings, Tanya