October 9, 2007

I don't know about other people, but I was somehow born with a gift/curse for having a running commentary in my head while I go about my daily life. I don't know if I've ever told anyone about it or even acknowledged it to myself. I actually write about my day in my mind as I go about business as usual...even when my life isn't business as usual. I can't ever remember a time when I wasn't doing this.

Today has been especially weird because I go through bouts of severe brain fog. I'm not sure how to really describe it but it feels like there is a very thin, fine veil over your eyes and brain. It starts about an hour after I get up and then just lays over me like a dense fog. I was at the grocery store today and it gets especially worse there. As I'm standing at the register to pay for my stuff I realize that I've been staring at the debit card machine trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do next. I can feel the cashier staring at me, like, "What's the deal lady?" I start nervously rambling, "Do I put my phone number in first or swipe my card?" I sounded like a tourist on holiday and had never seen this mystery machine. She then replies very flatly, "You put your phone number in there, see, it says it right on top." "Oh, yes, that's right." I tell her feeling super embarrassed that my mind isn't comprehending what I'm reading these days. I make up some excuse about my husband having the Safeway card right now and I'm not used to doing it this way. I grab my stuff, give her an extra smile so she is reassured that I'm not totally losing it and push Spencer forward so I can feel my ineptness in private.

Spencer was home not feeling well this morning so we have been having this easy going morning and after this quick trip to the store I have this intense urge to get back home to my safe zone. Later after lunch, though, he seems to be feeling better and so I suggest he go to school. He is amiable to this and reassures me that he's feeling better. So, we load up in the car for the third time today and head to the school. This is where my running commentary starts going again as I approach the office with Spencer. They always look so busy in that office and I don't know anyone because its a new school. I suddenly am wishing we were still back at the old elementary school. They know me there and conversation is always easy and pleasant.

When I walk in everyone looks up at me like a transient and then I try to explain who we are and that Spencer is checking in late. The woman mumbles to me about signing this book and never makes eye contact. I'm feeling so disconnected from this new environment my children are in this year that it creates an intense sense of loneliness I haven't felt in some time. It makes me feel less connected to my own flesh and blood. It's like I've sent them off to military school or something. Again, I try to flash a happy smile to the woman looking extremely busy who has been forced to stop and help us get signed in. I want her to say something nice to me. I want her to make me feel more connected. But, as soon as she does her part I realize her back is already to me. I feel like yelling at her. "Hey, I was once an extremely involved mom at my kids' school. They really liked me over there. They always greeted me with a smile. What's the matter, am I just a number now?" I suddenly realize this has less to do them and more about me. Me feeling huge waves of guilt because my kids even realize the other mom's are helping out in the class and why don't I? I swallow a huge lump in my throat because I want to be the mom to my kids that my mom couldn't be to me. It has been my mission since the first time my mom disappointed me and left me feeling less important as the other kids seemed to be. We leave the office and Spencer gives me a kiss goodbye and walks away. I stand there watching him walk off into this world I know nothing about anymore. Again, a huge flood of confusing feelings that I'm not sure where to put.

As I walk out into the parking lot I stop and look back at the playground area wondering if Sydney is at recess. I take a deep breath of the fresh air and am brought back to the present by my whining dog in the back of the van. I get in the van and start talking to him like one of my kids. "Sorry Buddy", I tell him. "I really want to take you to the park but I don't have any gas in my tank." He keeps whining at me as if it will change my mind.

When I head home I realize that's its been such a long time since I've been to anyone's house and have the urge to drop in on one of my friends. But, my foot seems to stay connected to the gas like my body has taken over ownership and knows that today isn't a good day for that. Then I try to console myself about it with more excuses why its just not a good idea anyway. Telling myself that these are busy mom's. These mom's are running errands, these mom's have houses they are probably cleaning right now, these mom's have laundry to do, and so on and so forth...as if I've never been one of "those mom's" before.

Pulling up in front of my house I hit the garage door opener. I say to myself, in that annoying always commentating voice, that I'm just not sure what I'm pulling in to. It is my house but it doesn't feel like my life. As I push through the door I go through all the motions of getting settled back in and then secretly wonder if all the hours I sit in my room praying are really moving heaven and earth. I consider calling a friend who I know has been waiting for me to call her, but this day's activities has convinced me that I need to work through these feelings. There is something here for me, I can always feel it. I know its coming because the voice in my head starts talking louder and won't let up until I either write it down or fall asleep.

When I start to empty the contents of my brain I feel a little better. Buddy the dog is engaged in his big raw hide bone and for the moment isn't giving me that sad look followed by a heavy sigh as he lays his head down on his paws like usual. This always gets me. Its like he's saying to me too..."When are you going to get better?" I almost always look back at him and think, "Don't do that to me."

Lately I've been writing down my "Things I must do someday." It's a very fun list to make and I've been adding to it almost daily. Its part of my new spiritual process I guess. Believing without seeing. I also have found a beautiful rental home right on the beach in San Diego and I look at every day. I picture myself by the water and watching the kids build sand castles. I've had such strong cravings to be by the water lately. I was questioning myself about this not that long ago. I really don't care to swim or necessarily be IN the water. I'm not a very good swimmer and growing up in Alaska all you need to do is stay alive for 15 minutes because after that you are a human Popsicle. So, that's the extent for me. I can tread for that long if I have to but I'm not very good at everything else. I hate water up my nose and have had some lame surfing experiences in Hawaii. I'll save that story for another day. But, I grew up on the water my whole life. There is something incredibley healing for me to be by the ocean. Even looking at it seems to cause me to be so much more open and alive. I used to sit on our boat and just stare at the different patterns in the water. Or try to follow a drifting piece of wood as far as I could. It literally mesmerized me. My imagination would just run wild.

However, until I can get to the beach, I must find healing right where I am. I will keep adding to my "To Do" dream list, keep praying and having constant conversations with myself. I've decided today when Bob gets home and asks me how I'm doing and how my day was, I'm going to give him a different answer. I'm not going to give him my day according to the ups and downs of an energy cycle . Or relay again how painful it was just to buy groceries. I think I'll respond to him how I would if I were perfectly whole and healthy. I will pretend that I had an amazing day, doing amazing things, and meeting with amazing people. Because someday it will be the truth.
God is Good!
Blessings, Tanya