Just an Update

It's been an interesting week for me on many levels. I guess I can start with trying new meds...sigh. The cortisol cream lasted for about four days before I had to give it up. It made me so exhausted all I could do was just lay there in bed in a state between wanting to sleep it off and not being able to sleep at all. Too tired to read and yet not tired enough to take a full nap. Very frustrating. I tried the thyroid meds once so far. Felt the same basic feeling. Really tired.

I told my friend the other day, maybe I'm just meant to lay here and heal that way :-/. Its so frustrating to know what your body needs but then your body not accept it. Just doesn't make sense to me and I can easily spend hours laying here trying to think of solutions. That just usually leads me to more exhaustion.

You would think after all this time I would have accepted the fact that this is where I am, but I still have these lightening bolt moments that jerk me around and remind me of how I used to be. I miss running so much that I feel like I'm going to come right out of my skin. Not just hitting the road for a jog, but running with my kids. Chasing them all over and tackling them on the lawn. I know they miss it too because they have been reminding me more lately about the stuff I "used" to do with them. It feels a bit like a bee sting every time one of those memories gets brought up.

Sunday's are still my Achilles heal wishing so bad that we were all getting ready to go to church as a family. Especially on Family Meal Time that our church has once a month. It's a potluck event and after the service we have a chance to eat together and visit with people that you haven't had a chance to see in a while. We always left feeling that we made a deeper connection with more people and couldn't wait for another opportunity to deepen that relationship down the road.

Right now I'm still working through my book "Shattering Strongholds". Here are some things that I highlighted for myself in the book so far:

"Too many in the Church today see themselves in terms of their pasts, their upbringing, their shattered marriages, their lost jobs, their lack of money, etc. The don't see themselves in terms of their potential in Christ."

"Scripturally correct teaching will not automatically clear up wrong ideas. Truth can be twisted when it has to filter its way through a mind filled with strongholds."

It's been a great book to read so far and its definitely packed with a lot of things that make me stop and really process. I'm reading this book a lot slower than usual. My best friend always makes fun of me because I can charge through books pretty fast. The problem is that I miss a lot sometimes and have to go back and reread some things. So, I am trying to go slow, digest, and then go on to the next area. We'll see if this serves me better :-).

I think I'm feeling a bit worn out lately...I mean more emotionally worn out as of late. When I feel better I try to do more with my kids and family and friends. Try to reconnect with others and let them know I am still here and they are still important. But, lately I have had a few friends going through some difficult times and have been spending a lot of energy on being there. I just don't know if I have the stamina to keep that up right now. I'm still trying to keep my own head above water. I so love to see people encouraged and grow. Its a passion of mine really. After losing my mom and going through my divorce I only had a few friends who truly supported me. One lived in California...God bless you Janelle, and my best friend here Monica, and the other was my good pal from Northwest College Daniel. I know what it feels like to be in pain and look around you only to find everyone either too busy or too wrapped up in their own stuff. I know what it feels like to go to bed at night and wonder how you are going to make it through tomorrow. Its not a dramatic statement, it is a true reality when you are grieving the loss of a mother or a marriage. So, when I see my friends suffering in these ways I can't help but want to help give them hope. Because that's what we are all looking for during these dark times. We all need someone who is willing to get in there with us during the yucky stuff. Its not pretty to be vulnerable, needy, confused, and overwhelmed on every level. None of us want to show that side and its very hard to find people who will roll their sleeves all the way up and help with the dirty work. People who can still see who we REALLY are through all the mascara streaks and melt downs. I want to be that person and yet I'm finding myself so fatigued and worn out that its been more difficult for me to do that. Its yet another area I feel like I'm letting people down with this illness. And, its yet another area I have to trust that God will bring the right person into these friends' lives who can be that right now.

Well, speaking of tired...I'm wiped from writing and Spencer walked in wanting to play a game together...I know there will be a day when I have energy for both. I know God is moving on my behalf and I know there will be a day when I can sit with my friends in the ashes of their lives as they heal and move forward. I have to believe that my own story includes healing and moving forward. God is good!
Blessings, Tanya