It's breast cancer awareness month and, of course, that comes with many stories and information where ever you look. Pink is all over the place. "This is good.", I tell myself, because lives are being saved and that's good. Because cancer seems to be a theme in my own family it dawns on me that I had already figured out my battle plan if this challenge came my way. I would know, for the most part, what I was up against and how to fight this kind of war.
So, it begs the question as to why I have been given this kind of challenge? "Lord," I say, "I'm not prepared to fight against something that can't be measured on a blood test, or seen on an MRI." My usual tactics for taking on the difficult curve balls of life don't seem to measure up anymore. I'm praying that this is a good thing and one of God's tools to help me keep pushing forward, even though it causes me to momentarily stall out like a car going through too deep of water during a rain storm. But, I have to wonder what's next for me on this journey. It's like driving across the country with no road map and windshield full of dead bugs. Sometimes you just have to close your eyes and drive by Braille.
By nature I'm competitive and very much a fighter. I'm ready to pull out my big guns and "go big or go home." I remind God that I'm a warrior and its Go Time. This is where I start upping my dosages of medicine and researching more things I can take, researching more treatments, looking for more doctors, and get ready to take back the night...so-to-speak. This usually lasts me about a day and then I pass out from exhaustion only find I've put myself in the hole from all the emotional excitement of taking on something I can't even quantify. This is where I have my big ah-ha moment. Maybe this is what I needed after all. Something I can't manage myself, something I can't totally control, and definitely something that I could have never prepared for. I have asked God for a long time..."Show me your Glory." But, do I have a part in that process???
John 3:21 says, "But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God."
When I am living by God's truth and in His light, things flow. There is no exhaustion, no hype, no drama. And, its very clear that whatever answers to prayer I have are because of Him and His mercy. Its nothing I could have done on my own. No magic pills, no super doctors, no super human efforts on my part..just His love wrapped around me like a warm blanket fresh out of the dryer...only better.
And, then the gentle reminder. Yes, I am a Warrior but the mission has been clarified. Its not about being super strong, keeping a stiff upper lip, sucking it up, "going big or going home." Its about being a Warrior for peace, being a Warrior for forgiveness, and all of those things Christ came to earth to give to us. These are the things worth fighting for and passing on to those whose lives we touch. When I focus on God's mission and not mine the rest falls into place. "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you." And, lest we think the mission is impossible, its not. Psalms 144:1 says, "Praise be to the Lord my Rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle." We are all in training to receive everything we need to handle every battle that comes into our life. Sometimes we have battles that seem like they never end and others it seems like God has forgotten to give us the necessary means to win the victory. But, its our faith that activates all the tools we need.
So, my prayer is this: "Lord, train me to be a Mighty Warrior. A woman who walks in your truth and light so that it may be plainly seen what you have done."
God is Good.
Blessings, Tanya
October 25, 2007
October 23, 2007
October 23, 2007 - Our 8 Year Anniversary!
It seems as though this month has flown by. Bob and I are celebrating our 8 year anniversary today and it seems as though just yesterday we were getting ready for that amazing day in West Seattle. Our wedding was definitely one of the most exciting days of my life. Everything was beautiful. We had so many family and friends there around us and I really couldn't believe that I was actually having this amazing moment in time.
Now looking back I know God really had his hand on our lives. I can't imagine going through what I am right now without Bob in my life. He has supported and encouraged me every step of the way. He has never complained and always remained full of hope. He is a reminder to me everyday that God is the God of 2nd chances.
October 18, 2007
Oct 18th - New Possessions
Genesis 15:13-14
Then the Lord said to him, "Know for certain that your descendants will be strangers in a country not their own, and they will be enslaved and mistreated four hundred years. But I will punish the nation they serve as slaves, and afterward they will come out with great possessions.
My "Streams in the Desert" devotional speaks to this verse by saying this: An assured part of God's pledged blessing to us is delay and suffering. A delay in Abram's own lifetime that seemed to put God's pledge beyond fulfillment was followed by seemingly unendurable delay of Abram's descendants. But it was only a delay: they "came out with great possessions." The pledge was redeemed.
God is going to test me with delays; and with the delays will come suffering, but through it all stands God's pledge: His new covenant with me in Christ, and His inviolable promise of every lesser blessing that I need. The delay and the suffering are part of the promised blessing; let me praise Him for them today; and let me wait on the Lord and be of good courage and He will strengthen my heart. C.G. Trumbull
I don't know about you but I really needed to hear that today. I needed to be reminded that I believe in and follow a God who keeps his promises to his people. That, according to Romans 8:28, in ALL things God works for the good of those who love him. I need this like I need food and water. Because without it my fight would be meaningless and my light would be snuffed out. Daily I see and talk to hurting people from all walks of life. As human beings we all will share a season or two of waiting and suffering. It is so easy to give up...its so easy to get discouraged. This is the very hour that everything in me feels like its going to crack into a thousand little pieces and one day someone will come into my room and only find a pile of dust.
Then I remember the promises. I remember that God came to give me an abundant life. I remember Him telling the woman at the well, "Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." The meaning of "welling up" is an expression that means a "vigorous one", with a meaning like "leaping up". Jesus was speaking of a vigorous and abundant life. That's His promise to me. But, I have to do my part and drink His water...all the time.
I'm suddenly reminded of the disciples on the boat with the big storm that came. How scared they were, how frantic and panicked. I feel that way many times and I have this incredible feeling of disdain for my circumstances and want to bolt out of it at any cost. Except the rest of the story is that Jesus appeared to them walking on the water and calmed their fears. So much so was his voice of calm that it gave Peter the courage to get out of the boat and walk on water himself. Maybe my circumstances are actually preparing me to get out of the boat too, if I'm willing to allow His voice to create the peace and confidence in me that it did for Peter. I could bet anything, if I were a betting girl :-) that Peter would have never traded the fear and panic from the storm for the experience of walking on water with His Lord. I know someday I'll feel the fullness of what has transpired in this season of my life, but not just yet. I see tiny fragments of it and I know I'm somehow different. But, I know there is a much fuller purpose on the other side of all the things I see slipping by me with each passing day.
My grandmother (my mom's mother) just turned 90 the other day. She has been back in Boise with her sisters and I was unable to attend her gathering. I had to come to the realization that unless God intervenes soon that the possibility of me seeing her again grows more slim with each passing day. I had called her on the day of the actual party and could tell in her voice that she had such a special day. There was a huge wave of sadness that came over me when suddenly I had this incredible feeling of my mother's presence next to me. It has been years since I have experienced that particular type of thing. And, as I sat there taking it all in I felt a new freedom that I haven't felt in a long time. See, I'm not super close to my grandma. I mean I love her of course, but she comes with some generational stuff. My connection to her is my mother and to be near her feels like being near to my mom. To lose my grandmother feels like losing another little piece of my mother. So, when I felt my mother's presence so strong I realized God was trying to remind me that He will be faithful to keep those things in safe keeping which are nearest my heart. These things I see slipping by while I lay here are not really leaving me. God is holding them in his hand and will give them back to me in a more healthy form...when its time to leave this season of waiting. God makes all things perfect in His time. I see that now, and I believe it now. I cannot rush this process, I cannot grumble against God, I cannot let go of the hope to which He has called me, I must give thanks in the midst of suffering and I must trust that on the other side of me coming out of this place of waiting will be new possessions. I must believe and have faith that He will indeed call me out.
2 Corinthians 4:13
"We having the same spirit of faith, according to it is written, I believed, and therefore have I spoken; we also believe, and therefore speak."
So, I believe that I'm going to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living...and therefore speak it out loud....for according to Jesus, "Nothing is impossible with God."
God is Good!!!!
Blessings, Tanya
Then the Lord said to him, "Know for certain that your descendants will be strangers in a country not their own, and they will be enslaved and mistreated four hundred years. But I will punish the nation they serve as slaves, and afterward they will come out with great possessions.
My "Streams in the Desert" devotional speaks to this verse by saying this: An assured part of God's pledged blessing to us is delay and suffering. A delay in Abram's own lifetime that seemed to put God's pledge beyond fulfillment was followed by seemingly unendurable delay of Abram's descendants. But it was only a delay: they "came out with great possessions." The pledge was redeemed.
God is going to test me with delays; and with the delays will come suffering, but through it all stands God's pledge: His new covenant with me in Christ, and His inviolable promise of every lesser blessing that I need. The delay and the suffering are part of the promised blessing; let me praise Him for them today; and let me wait on the Lord and be of good courage and He will strengthen my heart. C.G. Trumbull
I don't know about you but I really needed to hear that today. I needed to be reminded that I believe in and follow a God who keeps his promises to his people. That, according to Romans 8:28, in ALL things God works for the good of those who love him. I need this like I need food and water. Because without it my fight would be meaningless and my light would be snuffed out. Daily I see and talk to hurting people from all walks of life. As human beings we all will share a season or two of waiting and suffering. It is so easy to give up...its so easy to get discouraged. This is the very hour that everything in me feels like its going to crack into a thousand little pieces and one day someone will come into my room and only find a pile of dust.
Then I remember the promises. I remember that God came to give me an abundant life. I remember Him telling the woman at the well, "Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." The meaning of "welling up" is an expression that means a "vigorous one", with a meaning like "leaping up". Jesus was speaking of a vigorous and abundant life. That's His promise to me. But, I have to do my part and drink His water...all the time.
I'm suddenly reminded of the disciples on the boat with the big storm that came. How scared they were, how frantic and panicked. I feel that way many times and I have this incredible feeling of disdain for my circumstances and want to bolt out of it at any cost. Except the rest of the story is that Jesus appeared to them walking on the water and calmed their fears. So much so was his voice of calm that it gave Peter the courage to get out of the boat and walk on water himself. Maybe my circumstances are actually preparing me to get out of the boat too, if I'm willing to allow His voice to create the peace and confidence in me that it did for Peter. I could bet anything, if I were a betting girl :-) that Peter would have never traded the fear and panic from the storm for the experience of walking on water with His Lord. I know someday I'll feel the fullness of what has transpired in this season of my life, but not just yet. I see tiny fragments of it and I know I'm somehow different. But, I know there is a much fuller purpose on the other side of all the things I see slipping by me with each passing day.
My grandmother (my mom's mother) just turned 90 the other day. She has been back in Boise with her sisters and I was unable to attend her gathering. I had to come to the realization that unless God intervenes soon that the possibility of me seeing her again grows more slim with each passing day. I had called her on the day of the actual party and could tell in her voice that she had such a special day. There was a huge wave of sadness that came over me when suddenly I had this incredible feeling of my mother's presence next to me. It has been years since I have experienced that particular type of thing. And, as I sat there taking it all in I felt a new freedom that I haven't felt in a long time. See, I'm not super close to my grandma. I mean I love her of course, but she comes with some generational stuff. My connection to her is my mother and to be near her feels like being near to my mom. To lose my grandmother feels like losing another little piece of my mother. So, when I felt my mother's presence so strong I realized God was trying to remind me that He will be faithful to keep those things in safe keeping which are nearest my heart. These things I see slipping by while I lay here are not really leaving me. God is holding them in his hand and will give them back to me in a more healthy form...when its time to leave this season of waiting. God makes all things perfect in His time. I see that now, and I believe it now. I cannot rush this process, I cannot grumble against God, I cannot let go of the hope to which He has called me, I must give thanks in the midst of suffering and I must trust that on the other side of me coming out of this place of waiting will be new possessions. I must believe and have faith that He will indeed call me out.
2 Corinthians 4:13
"We having the same spirit of faith, according to it is written, I believed, and therefore have I spoken; we also believe, and therefore speak."
So, I believe that I'm going to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living...and therefore speak it out loud....for according to Jesus, "Nothing is impossible with God."
God is Good!!!!
Blessings, Tanya
October 16, 2007
October 16, 2007
Just a quick update. We are all doing good right now and just doing the usual routine of running kids here and there. Everyone is healthy for the moment and I'm enjoying that. Well, everyone except Buddy the dog :-(. He's had an upset tummy today so I'm keeping my eye on him even as I type this now. Bob already came home once today to shampoo the carpets...I don't want to put him through another shampooing tonight :-).
I've been feeling okay. A bit more tired because I have had to up my liver detoxing and am taking some grapefruit seed extract which is supposed to kill off fungus in the system. The good news is that I seem to be tolerating these things so much better than before. I need to get my liver enzymes checked in another 4 weeks and so I want to be more aggressive with the detoxing to see if it will make any difference. I've been praying that my body can withstand more treatment now and we won't feel forced to move right away. This topic of moving has been hard for me to say out loud and so I won't be going in to much detail about it right now.
I will share what we have found out regarding the mold issue. We had some mold that developed in one of our walls that stemmed from a roof leak. We were able to find the problem and fix it, however, not before some mold had set in. I later had some testing done with these little petri dishes and sent off to a special laboratory which didn't show as much as we thought it would. The problem is that its not going to pick up the dead mold so its no help. But, you can still have reactions to the dead antigens that it puts off. Fun, huh?
One thing that really caused me problems was that when I first found the mold I was getting ready to paint. So, as I scraped away the old paint where the water had caused a bubble it had all this mold underneath. Well, I inhaled a bunch of it and was really sick right after. We had the section replaced but its hard to say if its somewhere we can't see still. But, we do know there is no more water because of having some mold specialists come out and do all their special gadgets on it and let us know that it was indeed all dry and no more mold growing. However, to fix the problem entirely would expose me to even more issues and they didn't think that would be a good idea. For the average person its not dangerous, but for me it is. As I have worked with more doctors who deal with these types of issues, through a variety of blood tests, it appears to be more of the culprit than anything else. Its really disrupted my system.
It seems like this journey has taken so many twists and turns in my head that it may start spinning at any moment. But, I'm so thankful that it hasn't been that way for God. He knows my body inside and out, what makes me tick and what makes me sick. I was just meditating on Proverbs 16:3 today. It says, "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." As I have done a better job at letting go of my own agenda, being willing to commit my plans to prayer and allowing God to be intimately involved in the process, it seems as though I feel stronger and things are more clear. I thought I was doing this all along, but the truth is that I really was not understanding what it meant to commit my plans. I'm great at making plans and even executing them at times too :-). But, committing them to God has been much different. Part of this process for me has been where I put my mind. As I commit my steps to the Lord, then I can relax and trust that He will help me walk out the next steps. Before I would pray and ask for guidance but then I would worry and wait, worry and wait and then get tired of waiting and make things happen regardless. Now I commit my plans to the Lord and do my part and then wait for God to do his...minus the worry. It seems as though the worry part was the big roadblock. I feel like those roadblocks are slowly coming down. Its not an overnight process but I feel like I'm making some inroads again.
Better go for now...the brain feels fuzzy and I can't be held responsible for what I say from this point on...lol. God is Good!
Blessings, Tanya
I've been feeling okay. A bit more tired because I have had to up my liver detoxing and am taking some grapefruit seed extract which is supposed to kill off fungus in the system. The good news is that I seem to be tolerating these things so much better than before. I need to get my liver enzymes checked in another 4 weeks and so I want to be more aggressive with the detoxing to see if it will make any difference. I've been praying that my body can withstand more treatment now and we won't feel forced to move right away. This topic of moving has been hard for me to say out loud and so I won't be going in to much detail about it right now.
I will share what we have found out regarding the mold issue. We had some mold that developed in one of our walls that stemmed from a roof leak. We were able to find the problem and fix it, however, not before some mold had set in. I later had some testing done with these little petri dishes and sent off to a special laboratory which didn't show as much as we thought it would. The problem is that its not going to pick up the dead mold so its no help. But, you can still have reactions to the dead antigens that it puts off. Fun, huh?
One thing that really caused me problems was that when I first found the mold I was getting ready to paint. So, as I scraped away the old paint where the water had caused a bubble it had all this mold underneath. Well, I inhaled a bunch of it and was really sick right after. We had the section replaced but its hard to say if its somewhere we can't see still. But, we do know there is no more water because of having some mold specialists come out and do all their special gadgets on it and let us know that it was indeed all dry and no more mold growing. However, to fix the problem entirely would expose me to even more issues and they didn't think that would be a good idea. For the average person its not dangerous, but for me it is. As I have worked with more doctors who deal with these types of issues, through a variety of blood tests, it appears to be more of the culprit than anything else. Its really disrupted my system.
It seems like this journey has taken so many twists and turns in my head that it may start spinning at any moment. But, I'm so thankful that it hasn't been that way for God. He knows my body inside and out, what makes me tick and what makes me sick. I was just meditating on Proverbs 16:3 today. It says, "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." As I have done a better job at letting go of my own agenda, being willing to commit my plans to prayer and allowing God to be intimately involved in the process, it seems as though I feel stronger and things are more clear. I thought I was doing this all along, but the truth is that I really was not understanding what it meant to commit my plans. I'm great at making plans and even executing them at times too :-). But, committing them to God has been much different. Part of this process for me has been where I put my mind. As I commit my steps to the Lord, then I can relax and trust that He will help me walk out the next steps. Before I would pray and ask for guidance but then I would worry and wait, worry and wait and then get tired of waiting and make things happen regardless. Now I commit my plans to the Lord and do my part and then wait for God to do his...minus the worry. It seems as though the worry part was the big roadblock. I feel like those roadblocks are slowly coming down. Its not an overnight process but I feel like I'm making some inroads again.
Better go for now...the brain feels fuzzy and I can't be held responsible for what I say from this point on...lol. God is Good!
Blessings, Tanya
October 12, 2007
October 12, 2007
So, just when I swear off doctors...dun, dun, dun...I see one today :-). I must first say that I know that had it not been for my doctors I would still be in bed. I do know that. But, I go through these miserable cycles of feeling so desperate that they become my god. It becomes necessary to step away from my own craziness and retreat back to that internal place where I can make healthy decisions. Not get so fed up at times with this process that I become the equivalent of doing "Drink and Dial". I become "Freak and Dial".
It actually was just supposed to be a quick update with my Lyme specialist that I haven't seen in awhile. The original appointment was for Whitney because of her chronic sinus infections. And, I must say that I'm so excited about the results and we have a great plan to get her back on track.
My part ended up being an unexpected, total answer to my prayers too. As I was going through my testing process it showed that my Lyme and metals are not showing up. Woohoo. Huge answer to prayer. My doctor was so surprised because she thought the metals portion would take FORever to get rid of. I'm not completely rid of them but they aren't interfering at this point. My big problem is that I continue to struggle with the molds. They are affecting my liver and its just keeping me stuck. So, today we came up with some great treatments that I'm believing...along with my continued spiritual progress :-) that it will get me moving again in the right direction. I know there are some things in my house contributing to my illness and Bob and I are trying to figure out what we should do. Its not an easy fix. And, it may not be just this house. We are back to considering our options for where we should live, hopefully after Whitney graduates.
I just think its ironic that when I decide to take a break from the doctors while I work out more emotional/spiritual stuff that I get such great feedback and some clearer direction. That is what I've been praying for and it is such a blessing to get that answer. Sometimes taking our hands off of "that thing" allows God to bring his blessings the way HE chooses. More lessons, more lessons...does it ever get easier :-)???
The truth is that the real change I feel is in my heart. I don't feel different physically since finding out the news. I didn't feel different physically before I went in. But, I did go in expecting a good report, expecting that my doctor would have clear direction for me and that everything would match up with what I feel my inner voice and God's voice has been telling me. I feel stronger in that I know now more than ever that every word that comes out of my mouth has the power to give life or give death. I can bless or I can curse. That what I say I have is what I end up having. That my old mantra's of "This is too hard." and "I can't handle being sick anymore.", absolutely had to change regardless of how I was feeling. I have replaced them with words that speak to being whole, reminding myself that I'm okay and deserve health, and I tend to hum along to that song, "The Joy of the Lord is my Strength." Sounds corny but I actually see my liver and adrenals doing some dance from "Dancing with the Stars." They really get down and are filled with incredible joy. I know it gives them a break from my years of worry and stress. They are so grateful to me for allowing them to dance and heal.
Okay, this is starting to sound a bit crazy and weird so I'm going to wrap it up for tonight. I'm sure after I post this I'll think of a more sane way to articulate all of these feelings. Tonight, though, you get the spontaneous, joyful, giggly, version. I hope you don't mind.
God is Good!!!
Blessings, Tanya
It actually was just supposed to be a quick update with my Lyme specialist that I haven't seen in awhile. The original appointment was for Whitney because of her chronic sinus infections. And, I must say that I'm so excited about the results and we have a great plan to get her back on track.
My part ended up being an unexpected, total answer to my prayers too. As I was going through my testing process it showed that my Lyme and metals are not showing up. Woohoo. Huge answer to prayer. My doctor was so surprised because she thought the metals portion would take FORever to get rid of. I'm not completely rid of them but they aren't interfering at this point. My big problem is that I continue to struggle with the molds. They are affecting my liver and its just keeping me stuck. So, today we came up with some great treatments that I'm believing...along with my continued spiritual progress :-) that it will get me moving again in the right direction. I know there are some things in my house contributing to my illness and Bob and I are trying to figure out what we should do. Its not an easy fix. And, it may not be just this house. We are back to considering our options for where we should live, hopefully after Whitney graduates.
I just think its ironic that when I decide to take a break from the doctors while I work out more emotional/spiritual stuff that I get such great feedback and some clearer direction. That is what I've been praying for and it is such a blessing to get that answer. Sometimes taking our hands off of "that thing" allows God to bring his blessings the way HE chooses. More lessons, more lessons...does it ever get easier :-)???
The truth is that the real change I feel is in my heart. I don't feel different physically since finding out the news. I didn't feel different physically before I went in. But, I did go in expecting a good report, expecting that my doctor would have clear direction for me and that everything would match up with what I feel my inner voice and God's voice has been telling me. I feel stronger in that I know now more than ever that every word that comes out of my mouth has the power to give life or give death. I can bless or I can curse. That what I say I have is what I end up having. That my old mantra's of "This is too hard." and "I can't handle being sick anymore.", absolutely had to change regardless of how I was feeling. I have replaced them with words that speak to being whole, reminding myself that I'm okay and deserve health, and I tend to hum along to that song, "The Joy of the Lord is my Strength." Sounds corny but I actually see my liver and adrenals doing some dance from "Dancing with the Stars." They really get down and are filled with incredible joy. I know it gives them a break from my years of worry and stress. They are so grateful to me for allowing them to dance and heal.
Okay, this is starting to sound a bit crazy and weird so I'm going to wrap it up for tonight. I'm sure after I post this I'll think of a more sane way to articulate all of these feelings. Tonight, though, you get the spontaneous, joyful, giggly, version. I hope you don't mind.
God is Good!!!
Blessings, Tanya
October 9, 2007
October 9, 2007
I don't know about other people, but I was somehow born with a gift/curse for having a running commentary in my head while I go about my daily life. I don't know if I've ever told anyone about it or even acknowledged it to myself. I actually write about my day in my mind as I go about business as usual...even when my life isn't business as usual. I can't ever remember a time when I wasn't doing this.
Today has been especially weird because I go through bouts of severe brain fog. I'm not sure how to really describe it but it feels like there is a very thin, fine veil over your eyes and brain. It starts about an hour after I get up and then just lays over me like a dense fog. I was at the grocery store today and it gets especially worse there. As I'm standing at the register to pay for my stuff I realize that I've been staring at the debit card machine trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do next. I can feel the cashier staring at me, like, "What's the deal lady?" I start nervously rambling, "Do I put my phone number in first or swipe my card?" I sounded like a tourist on holiday and had never seen this mystery machine. She then replies very flatly, "You put your phone number in there, see, it says it right on top." "Oh, yes, that's right." I tell her feeling super embarrassed that my mind isn't comprehending what I'm reading these days. I make up some excuse about my husband having the Safeway card right now and I'm not used to doing it this way. I grab my stuff, give her an extra smile so she is reassured that I'm not totally losing it and push Spencer forward so I can feel my ineptness in private.
Spencer was home not feeling well this morning so we have been having this easy going morning and after this quick trip to the store I have this intense urge to get back home to my safe zone. Later after lunch, though, he seems to be feeling better and so I suggest he go to school. He is amiable to this and reassures me that he's feeling better. So, we load up in the car for the third time today and head to the school. This is where my running commentary starts going again as I approach the office with Spencer. They always look so busy in that office and I don't know anyone because its a new school. I suddenly am wishing we were still back at the old elementary school. They know me there and conversation is always easy and pleasant.
When I walk in everyone looks up at me like a transient and then I try to explain who we are and that Spencer is checking in late. The woman mumbles to me about signing this book and never makes eye contact. I'm feeling so disconnected from this new environment my children are in this year that it creates an intense sense of loneliness I haven't felt in some time. It makes me feel less connected to my own flesh and blood. It's like I've sent them off to military school or something. Again, I try to flash a happy smile to the woman looking extremely busy who has been forced to stop and help us get signed in. I want her to say something nice to me. I want her to make me feel more connected. But, as soon as she does her part I realize her back is already to me. I feel like yelling at her. "Hey, I was once an extremely involved mom at my kids' school. They really liked me over there. They always greeted me with a smile. What's the matter, am I just a number now?" I suddenly realize this has less to do them and more about me. Me feeling huge waves of guilt because my kids even realize the other mom's are helping out in the class and why don't I? I swallow a huge lump in my throat because I want to be the mom to my kids that my mom couldn't be to me. It has been my mission since the first time my mom disappointed me and left me feeling less important as the other kids seemed to be. We leave the office and Spencer gives me a kiss goodbye and walks away. I stand there watching him walk off into this world I know nothing about anymore. Again, a huge flood of confusing feelings that I'm not sure where to put.
As I walk out into the parking lot I stop and look back at the playground area wondering if Sydney is at recess. I take a deep breath of the fresh air and am brought back to the present by my whining dog in the back of the van. I get in the van and start talking to him like one of my kids. "Sorry Buddy", I tell him. "I really want to take you to the park but I don't have any gas in my tank." He keeps whining at me as if it will change my mind.
When I head home I realize that's its been such a long time since I've been to anyone's house and have the urge to drop in on one of my friends. But, my foot seems to stay connected to the gas like my body has taken over ownership and knows that today isn't a good day for that. Then I try to console myself about it with more excuses why its just not a good idea anyway. Telling myself that these are busy mom's. These mom's are running errands, these mom's have houses they are probably cleaning right now, these mom's have laundry to do, and so on and so forth...as if I've never been one of "those mom's" before.
Pulling up in front of my house I hit the garage door opener. I say to myself, in that annoying always commentating voice, that I'm just not sure what I'm pulling in to. It is my house but it doesn't feel like my life. As I push through the door I go through all the motions of getting settled back in and then secretly wonder if all the hours I sit in my room praying are really moving heaven and earth. I consider calling a friend who I know has been waiting for me to call her, but this day's activities has convinced me that I need to work through these feelings. There is something here for me, I can always feel it. I know its coming because the voice in my head starts talking louder and won't let up until I either write it down or fall asleep.
When I start to empty the contents of my brain I feel a little better. Buddy the dog is engaged in his big raw hide bone and for the moment isn't giving me that sad look followed by a heavy sigh as he lays his head down on his paws like usual. This always gets me. Its like he's saying to me too..."When are you going to get better?" I almost always look back at him and think, "Don't do that to me."
Lately I've been writing down my "Things I must do someday." It's a very fun list to make and I've been adding to it almost daily. Its part of my new spiritual process I guess. Believing without seeing. I also have found a beautiful rental home right on the beach in San Diego and I look at every day. I picture myself by the water and watching the kids build sand castles. I've had such strong cravings to be by the water lately. I was questioning myself about this not that long ago. I really don't care to swim or necessarily be IN the water. I'm not a very good swimmer and growing up in Alaska all you need to do is stay alive for 15 minutes because after that you are a human Popsicle. So, that's the extent for me. I can tread for that long if I have to but I'm not very good at everything else. I hate water up my nose and have had some lame surfing experiences in Hawaii. I'll save that story for another day. But, I grew up on the water my whole life. There is something incredibley healing for me to be by the ocean. Even looking at it seems to cause me to be so much more open and alive. I used to sit on our boat and just stare at the different patterns in the water. Or try to follow a drifting piece of wood as far as I could. It literally mesmerized me. My imagination would just run wild.
However, until I can get to the beach, I must find healing right where I am. I will keep adding to my "To Do" dream list, keep praying and having constant conversations with myself. I've decided today when Bob gets home and asks me how I'm doing and how my day was, I'm going to give him a different answer. I'm not going to give him my day according to the ups and downs of an energy cycle . Or relay again how painful it was just to buy groceries. I think I'll respond to him how I would if I were perfectly whole and healthy. I will pretend that I had an amazing day, doing amazing things, and meeting with amazing people. Because someday it will be the truth.
God is Good!
Blessings, Tanya
Today has been especially weird because I go through bouts of severe brain fog. I'm not sure how to really describe it but it feels like there is a very thin, fine veil over your eyes and brain. It starts about an hour after I get up and then just lays over me like a dense fog. I was at the grocery store today and it gets especially worse there. As I'm standing at the register to pay for my stuff I realize that I've been staring at the debit card machine trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do next. I can feel the cashier staring at me, like, "What's the deal lady?" I start nervously rambling, "Do I put my phone number in first or swipe my card?" I sounded like a tourist on holiday and had never seen this mystery machine. She then replies very flatly, "You put your phone number in there, see, it says it right on top." "Oh, yes, that's right." I tell her feeling super embarrassed that my mind isn't comprehending what I'm reading these days. I make up some excuse about my husband having the Safeway card right now and I'm not used to doing it this way. I grab my stuff, give her an extra smile so she is reassured that I'm not totally losing it and push Spencer forward so I can feel my ineptness in private.
Spencer was home not feeling well this morning so we have been having this easy going morning and after this quick trip to the store I have this intense urge to get back home to my safe zone. Later after lunch, though, he seems to be feeling better and so I suggest he go to school. He is amiable to this and reassures me that he's feeling better. So, we load up in the car for the third time today and head to the school. This is where my running commentary starts going again as I approach the office with Spencer. They always look so busy in that office and I don't know anyone because its a new school. I suddenly am wishing we were still back at the old elementary school. They know me there and conversation is always easy and pleasant.
When I walk in everyone looks up at me like a transient and then I try to explain who we are and that Spencer is checking in late. The woman mumbles to me about signing this book and never makes eye contact. I'm feeling so disconnected from this new environment my children are in this year that it creates an intense sense of loneliness I haven't felt in some time. It makes me feel less connected to my own flesh and blood. It's like I've sent them off to military school or something. Again, I try to flash a happy smile to the woman looking extremely busy who has been forced to stop and help us get signed in. I want her to say something nice to me. I want her to make me feel more connected. But, as soon as she does her part I realize her back is already to me. I feel like yelling at her. "Hey, I was once an extremely involved mom at my kids' school. They really liked me over there. They always greeted me with a smile. What's the matter, am I just a number now?" I suddenly realize this has less to do them and more about me. Me feeling huge waves of guilt because my kids even realize the other mom's are helping out in the class and why don't I? I swallow a huge lump in my throat because I want to be the mom to my kids that my mom couldn't be to me. It has been my mission since the first time my mom disappointed me and left me feeling less important as the other kids seemed to be. We leave the office and Spencer gives me a kiss goodbye and walks away. I stand there watching him walk off into this world I know nothing about anymore. Again, a huge flood of confusing feelings that I'm not sure where to put.
As I walk out into the parking lot I stop and look back at the playground area wondering if Sydney is at recess. I take a deep breath of the fresh air and am brought back to the present by my whining dog in the back of the van. I get in the van and start talking to him like one of my kids. "Sorry Buddy", I tell him. "I really want to take you to the park but I don't have any gas in my tank." He keeps whining at me as if it will change my mind.
When I head home I realize that's its been such a long time since I've been to anyone's house and have the urge to drop in on one of my friends. But, my foot seems to stay connected to the gas like my body has taken over ownership and knows that today isn't a good day for that. Then I try to console myself about it with more excuses why its just not a good idea anyway. Telling myself that these are busy mom's. These mom's are running errands, these mom's have houses they are probably cleaning right now, these mom's have laundry to do, and so on and so forth...as if I've never been one of "those mom's" before.
Pulling up in front of my house I hit the garage door opener. I say to myself, in that annoying always commentating voice, that I'm just not sure what I'm pulling in to. It is my house but it doesn't feel like my life. As I push through the door I go through all the motions of getting settled back in and then secretly wonder if all the hours I sit in my room praying are really moving heaven and earth. I consider calling a friend who I know has been waiting for me to call her, but this day's activities has convinced me that I need to work through these feelings. There is something here for me, I can always feel it. I know its coming because the voice in my head starts talking louder and won't let up until I either write it down or fall asleep.
When I start to empty the contents of my brain I feel a little better. Buddy the dog is engaged in his big raw hide bone and for the moment isn't giving me that sad look followed by a heavy sigh as he lays his head down on his paws like usual. This always gets me. Its like he's saying to me too..."When are you going to get better?" I almost always look back at him and think, "Don't do that to me."
Lately I've been writing down my "Things I must do someday." It's a very fun list to make and I've been adding to it almost daily. Its part of my new spiritual process I guess. Believing without seeing. I also have found a beautiful rental home right on the beach in San Diego and I look at every day. I picture myself by the water and watching the kids build sand castles. I've had such strong cravings to be by the water lately. I was questioning myself about this not that long ago. I really don't care to swim or necessarily be IN the water. I'm not a very good swimmer and growing up in Alaska all you need to do is stay alive for 15 minutes because after that you are a human Popsicle. So, that's the extent for me. I can tread for that long if I have to but I'm not very good at everything else. I hate water up my nose and have had some lame surfing experiences in Hawaii. I'll save that story for another day. But, I grew up on the water my whole life. There is something incredibley healing for me to be by the ocean. Even looking at it seems to cause me to be so much more open and alive. I used to sit on our boat and just stare at the different patterns in the water. Or try to follow a drifting piece of wood as far as I could. It literally mesmerized me. My imagination would just run wild.
However, until I can get to the beach, I must find healing right where I am. I will keep adding to my "To Do" dream list, keep praying and having constant conversations with myself. I've decided today when Bob gets home and asks me how I'm doing and how my day was, I'm going to give him a different answer. I'm not going to give him my day according to the ups and downs of an energy cycle . Or relay again how painful it was just to buy groceries. I think I'll respond to him how I would if I were perfectly whole and healthy. I will pretend that I had an amazing day, doing amazing things, and meeting with amazing people. Because someday it will be the truth.
God is Good!
Blessings, Tanya
October 7, 2007
October 7, 2007
I'm sorry I haven't updated the site myself in a little while. I seem to get on a roll and then go through times of needing to pull inside myself and process and grow privately. It's definitely been one of those seasons for me right now. The growing process for me always starts out by hitting a wall several times, trying to do patchwork on myself and then go back to fully embrace the issues at hand in its entirety. Maybe someday I'll just skip the wall part and go right to the healing part.
Part of my hitting the wall consists of refusing to give up on doctors and supplements and this hope that my healing may be just one pill away. I realized the other day, I don't want to be one of those people who define insanity by doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
So, my journey has taken a new shift. Its time to shove off on a more thoughtful spiritual journey. A person can talk about the Bible, read the Bible but it doesn't guarantee us a journey that will allow us to be the people we were designed to be. It doesn't guarantee us healing or health or prosperity. It's a great starting spot, but there seems to be some things that I've been missing, or actually maybe just not willing to embrace. I think the part I am missing is a journey that actually changes my heart. It changes it in such a way that my mind, my soul, my spirit and my body have no choice but thrive and grow.
My spirit tells me that to get to that place a person has to go deeper within themselves and ask the really hard questions. The ones that we can't answer right away. Such as, "Are there things that I believe that are hindering my healing?", "What IS my purpose here on earth?" (A question that I have chased since youth.), "Why do I always try to take shortcuts?", "What is it that I'm really, really passionate about?" There are more but I'm not ready to put those things out in the universe yet.
I have been doing a lot of studying on the words that we speak, the things that we think, the old tapes that we play over and over in our head. I am just now beginning to realize how powerful our words are. How powerful the law of "believing and receiving" is. People often say, how is that people who aren't "Christians" can have this same philosophy and it actually come true for them? The reason is that it is a universal spiritual law that God created. So, just like gravity is a law of nature and works regardless of whether you believe in the person who designed it, so it is with us believing and receiving. The other truth is that it can work for the negative. You can believe that bad things are going to happen to you and viola', there it is. This is something that I have struggled with my whole life. The challenge for me is that I try to change this thinking and believe for good things to come into my life and if it doesn't happen right away then I get tired and give up.
My journey right now has to take a different route than what its been in the past. I haven't worked out all the details, but I am discussing it with the Big Guy and getting his take on it. Everyone has a different path to healing and wholeness. And, that's the key for me. I don't want to just heal, I want to be whole. Its a lie to think we can separate mind, body and spirit. They are completely connected and so I have to figure out how to get all of these three in agreement. They need to all agree that Tanya is getting whole and is therefor healing. They need to all three agree on what junk needs to go and make way more room for things of the Spirit. The things that will feed me and heal me from the inside out. I believe that God heals us first spiritually and then physically. Since I keep hitting a road block with the doctor's and the meds, maybe I need to place my energy some place more pure. Some place safer that will allow me to rebuild my foundation again. Illness has a way of stripping everything down to the sub floor and I am drowning sometimes trying to figure out how to rebuild it. Its never easy on anyone when someone decides to rebuild. Anyone who goes through the process of a renovation or building their own house can attest to the incredible stress that is placed on everyone. I pray that my family can hang in there with me while my house is filled with dust and dirt waiting for the new hardwoods to be laid down and at least the cabinets put in.
I know that there is no end to this journey and it won't stop after my body resumes its regular tasks again. Its a forever and always thing to be moving forward and peeling back the layers so that you can feel the touch of God in your most sacred places. To be so in touch with the Creator of love that sometimes it feels like you can't even take it...that's where I'm trying to go. So, with nap sack flung over my shoulder and heading towards the rail road tracks I go, I have no idea where this will lead me. I won't even pretend that I know for sure it will get me past the first town I come to. But, determined to live the abundant life I was called to, its a risk I'm willing to take. God is good!
Blessings, Tanya
Part of my hitting the wall consists of refusing to give up on doctors and supplements and this hope that my healing may be just one pill away. I realized the other day, I don't want to be one of those people who define insanity by doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
So, my journey has taken a new shift. Its time to shove off on a more thoughtful spiritual journey. A person can talk about the Bible, read the Bible but it doesn't guarantee us a journey that will allow us to be the people we were designed to be. It doesn't guarantee us healing or health or prosperity. It's a great starting spot, but there seems to be some things that I've been missing, or actually maybe just not willing to embrace. I think the part I am missing is a journey that actually changes my heart. It changes it in such a way that my mind, my soul, my spirit and my body have no choice but thrive and grow.
My spirit tells me that to get to that place a person has to go deeper within themselves and ask the really hard questions. The ones that we can't answer right away. Such as, "Are there things that I believe that are hindering my healing?", "What IS my purpose here on earth?" (A question that I have chased since youth.), "Why do I always try to take shortcuts?", "What is it that I'm really, really passionate about?" There are more but I'm not ready to put those things out in the universe yet.
I have been doing a lot of studying on the words that we speak, the things that we think, the old tapes that we play over and over in our head. I am just now beginning to realize how powerful our words are. How powerful the law of "believing and receiving" is. People often say, how is that people who aren't "Christians" can have this same philosophy and it actually come true for them? The reason is that it is a universal spiritual law that God created. So, just like gravity is a law of nature and works regardless of whether you believe in the person who designed it, so it is with us believing and receiving. The other truth is that it can work for the negative. You can believe that bad things are going to happen to you and viola', there it is. This is something that I have struggled with my whole life. The challenge for me is that I try to change this thinking and believe for good things to come into my life and if it doesn't happen right away then I get tired and give up.
My journey right now has to take a different route than what its been in the past. I haven't worked out all the details, but I am discussing it with the Big Guy and getting his take on it. Everyone has a different path to healing and wholeness. And, that's the key for me. I don't want to just heal, I want to be whole. Its a lie to think we can separate mind, body and spirit. They are completely connected and so I have to figure out how to get all of these three in agreement. They need to all agree that Tanya is getting whole and is therefor healing. They need to all three agree on what junk needs to go and make way more room for things of the Spirit. The things that will feed me and heal me from the inside out. I believe that God heals us first spiritually and then physically. Since I keep hitting a road block with the doctor's and the meds, maybe I need to place my energy some place more pure. Some place safer that will allow me to rebuild my foundation again. Illness has a way of stripping everything down to the sub floor and I am drowning sometimes trying to figure out how to rebuild it. Its never easy on anyone when someone decides to rebuild. Anyone who goes through the process of a renovation or building their own house can attest to the incredible stress that is placed on everyone. I pray that my family can hang in there with me while my house is filled with dust and dirt waiting for the new hardwoods to be laid down and at least the cabinets put in.
I know that there is no end to this journey and it won't stop after my body resumes its regular tasks again. Its a forever and always thing to be moving forward and peeling back the layers so that you can feel the touch of God in your most sacred places. To be so in touch with the Creator of love that sometimes it feels like you can't even take it...that's where I'm trying to go. So, with nap sack flung over my shoulder and heading towards the rail road tracks I go, I have no idea where this will lead me. I won't even pretend that I know for sure it will get me past the first town I come to. But, determined to live the abundant life I was called to, its a risk I'm willing to take. God is good!
Blessings, Tanya
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