March 7, 2008 ---- Kicking "MY" to the Curb

It's recently been brought to my attention, amazingly while taking temperatures and dishing out Motrin, that I have developed some major attachments to things that are in need of being let go. It seems it runs the gamet from "my health", "my children", "my friends", "my house", "my dreams", "my life". I'm sure there are more examples of things that are "mine". But, those seem to be the major topics.

It all started with having prayer time with my best friend and dealing with our teenagers. We were praying about a specific issue that I was wanting the Lord to do in her, but God ended up doing most of the work...at least at this juncture...in me. It was sort of along the lines of when you are in a scary movie and you are holding someone's hand while watching it. Then the other person starts groaning because you are squeezing their hand so tightly, but didn't even realize it. That's the revelation I got. I was squeezing the air right out of my kid.

Normally I would go through a time of being frustrated with myself about it, but this time I had a different perspective. Its not that I have always been squeezing the air out of her, but she has grown to the point of not needing me to do certain things on her behalf. She has become quite capable and without me even realizing it...seemingly overnight really. Just like her growing 1.5 inches in three months...when did THAT happen?

We have been working on registration for next year and she is at a point where we have to figure out the rest of her high school "plan" so that she can get into the college she wants. It felt so unreal to be having these conversations and yet by the time we sat down to go over everything, God had already done some work in my heart. I love that I could cheer her on to go to a school out of state if she wants. I loved that she felt like that was an option for her and her knowing we would support whatever she decides. That felt much better than holding on to the point of her feeling like she has to go all the way across the world like I did at that age, just to feel a sense of independence. God has been so good to help me through this new stage in her life.

But, that's just the tip of the ice berg. Once I realized I was doing that with her, I began to ask God what else needed to have the imancipation process started. And, its not just that I was using the word "MY" like a vice-grip, but how much of who I am was being wrapped up in that. I read this quote that said, "Attachment to things drops away by itself when you no longer seek to find yourself in them." Wow, that felt big to me. The other part is that those things will drop away as I seek to find myself in God. That part is not new, but I think the word "attachment" had a sense of power to it that I wasn't acknowledging. How often have I defined myself by who my friends are. Or holding onto unhealthy relationships because there was a history there that was hard to let go of...or wanting it to be something that it will never be.

I've certainly treated my body as if it were a thing to be mastered and told what to do. The truth is that now I'm learning to let my body tell me what to do. If Christ is in me, and He speaks to me, then why do I resist the messages He tries to send me through this incredible vessel that He created. 1 Corinthians 6:15 says, "Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself?" Both my spirit and body are included in that truth which is exciting to me because I no longer have to carry such a heavy load of demanding so much from it. Because Christ longs for me to be free from attachment to things of this world, He will do whatever necessary to support me in that process. It allows me to spend more time in gratitude for what has been put in my care for the moment, and less time on trying to fix what is not in my control. I think its a true statement to say that the more we let go of, the more we will receive. What a relief...!

Bob and I were supposed to go to Portland yesterday for a quick over night trip. I was planning to meet this woman who is doing some interesting therapy with chronic illness, but Spencer had developed a fever and it just wasn't going away. It was clear we were going to have to cancel. I felt bad for Bob because I knew he was looking forward to a mini-break and having a good night's sleep. That's a hot commodity around our here. And, he said he felt bad for me. But, my response was...I just can't hang on to plans to tightly, because life is always subject to change. I really did feel that peace of knowing God clearly had something different in mind for us that day and I was completely okay with it. In the past it would have been a big disappointment. A small, but important victory.

It sort of feels like a new season within a season...if that makes any sense. Even though its been a long haul of health issues for me, I keep having these times of God stretching my heart (even when it feels like it won't stretch anymore), and leaving me in a more spacious place. New freedoms, new levels of gratitude and love, and new lights to be shown on areas that need to be transformed. It also reveals God's faithfulness to me, even though I have not always been faithful...it reveals to me the power of prayer and that when I keep praying through and not giving up that those seeds that are planted will begin to grow over time. Patience!!!

Letting go, having patience and letting my heart be stretched like Silly Putty seems to be the theme at my house right now. I wonder what it will be tomorrow :-)?

God is good!
Blessings, Tanya