I once visited a church years ago during Easter and they had this tradition of the pastor saying, "He has risen!" And, the congregation would reply, "He has risen Indeed!". I often find myself saying those phrases in my head when I feel frustrated and not sure what to think about the current circumstance at the moment. This morning was definitely one of those times. It just worked out that the hardest time of the month for me came today and I watched again as my family went out the door to church as the dog and I looked at each other in disbelief. Here I am again.
Today I was angry and definitely decided to let my feelings be known to God that this was not a good idea. I rattled of my questions and concerns about the toll this was taking on my family, our ability to build Godly tradition, and strengthen us as a unit. It just doesn't make sense to me and I really want it to. I'm ready to be "all the way well", as my son always says. I felt like I was banging against prison walls again and I hate that feeling. "I don't want to do this anymore!", I complained.
For the last week I've been reading through Exodus and Numbers shaking my head at the Israelites for being so "stiff-necked" as God calls them. I'm thinking, "Come on, He keeps delivering you, but as soon as time goes by and you get a little uncomfortable, you start complaining, whining, murmuring, worshiping idols, making poor choices. What's up with that? How can you forget what He just did back there with that sweet move of parting the Red Sea, or food falling from the sky, or guiding you with Pillars of Fire, or Pillars of Smoke. If God did that for me, there's no way I would doubt Him. That's incredible" So, is it any less great that God revealed Himself to me as a teen-ager in a family who hadn't actively pursued their faith since I was like five years old? Is it less amazing that He kept me safe more times than I count while fishing in rough water, or putting myself in dangerous situations as a very naive young woman? How about taking care of me and healing my heart after losing my mom, or my marriage? How about when I was about to have a needle biopsy done and I put my faith in Him to deliver me from that...and He did? Miracles are happening all around us, but if it doesn't happen a certain way, or in a certain time frame then the complaining starts, doesn't it? We get impatient and frustrated. Well, I know I do so I'll raise my hand to that one. But what if sometimes its for our very own protection? Exodus 24:29-30 says, "But I will not drive them out in a single year because the land would become desolate and the wild animals too numerous for you. Little by little I will drive them out before you, until you have increased enough to take possession of the land." I've been chewing on this verse for awhile now. I've wondered for a long time why God has been healing me "little by little" rather than it happening all at once? What in my life needs to increase enough for me to take possession of the "land" He has in mind for me? I'm not sure, but I'm asking the question and curious to know the answer. And, for sure I have to believe that its for my own protection that He doesn't just release me into a place that has things in it that could possibly overtake me. I have to grow into it. And, just maybe this illness is helping me to stretch my heart beyond what I normally would with my full health. So, in the meantime I have to trust that He will protect that which concerns me...my family, my marriage, my friendships, my very life.
So, back to my complaining...as I was laying out my anxious thoughts before Him I felt led to open my Streams in the Desert devotional. I won't repeat it all here, but I'll give you the main point. It was from 1 Chronicles 26:27 "Out of the spoils won in battle did they dedicate to maintain the house of the Lord." The devotional part goes on to say, "Someday we shall find that the spoils we have won from our trials were just preparing us to become true "Great Hearts" in the Pilgrims Process, and to lead our fellow pilgrims triumphantly through trial to the city of the King. But let us never forget that the source of helping other people must be victorious suffering. The whining, murmuring pang never does anybody and good." OUCH! Let me tell you, I felt God's hand on the back of my neck as if a college professor is reminding his students to please make sure you use "spell-check" after writing your papers on a Word document. Basically....we should no better at this point in our lives. There's nothing left to say at this point except its time to rejoice and be glad. Rejoice because today we celebrate that Jesus has risen from the dead and you can rejoice from anywhere. Church or home...it doesn't matter. What matters is that we celebrate this truth. And, that we learn to pray through times of difficulty rather than complain...This afternoon my new conversation with Him sounds more like this..."Lord, help me this day to draw strength from all that comes my way."
God is good!
Blessings, Tanya
March 23, 2008
March 7, 2008
March 7, 2008 ---- Kicking "MY" to the Curb
It's recently been brought to my attention, amazingly while taking temperatures and dishing out Motrin, that I have developed some major attachments to things that are in need of being let go. It seems it runs the gamet from "my health", "my children", "my friends", "my house", "my dreams", "my life". I'm sure there are more examples of things that are "mine". But, those seem to be the major topics.
It all started with having prayer time with my best friend and dealing with our teenagers. We were praying about a specific issue that I was wanting the Lord to do in her, but God ended up doing most of the work...at least at this juncture...in me. It was sort of along the lines of when you are in a scary movie and you are holding someone's hand while watching it. Then the other person starts groaning because you are squeezing their hand so tightly, but didn't even realize it. That's the revelation I got. I was squeezing the air right out of my kid.
Normally I would go through a time of being frustrated with myself about it, but this time I had a different perspective. Its not that I have always been squeezing the air out of her, but she has grown to the point of not needing me to do certain things on her behalf. She has become quite capable and without me even realizing it...seemingly overnight really. Just like her growing 1.5 inches in three months...when did THAT happen?
We have been working on registration for next year and she is at a point where we have to figure out the rest of her high school "plan" so that she can get into the college she wants. It felt so unreal to be having these conversations and yet by the time we sat down to go over everything, God had already done some work in my heart. I love that I could cheer her on to go to a school out of state if she wants. I loved that she felt like that was an option for her and her knowing we would support whatever she decides. That felt much better than holding on to the point of her feeling like she has to go all the way across the world like I did at that age, just to feel a sense of independence. God has been so good to help me through this new stage in her life.
But, that's just the tip of the ice berg. Once I realized I was doing that with her, I began to ask God what else needed to have the imancipation process started. And, its not just that I was using the word "MY" like a vice-grip, but how much of who I am was being wrapped up in that. I read this quote that said, "Attachment to things drops away by itself when you no longer seek to find yourself in them." Wow, that felt big to me. The other part is that those things will drop away as I seek to find myself in God. That part is not new, but I think the word "attachment" had a sense of power to it that I wasn't acknowledging. How often have I defined myself by who my friends are. Or holding onto unhealthy relationships because there was a history there that was hard to let go of...or wanting it to be something that it will never be.
I've certainly treated my body as if it were a thing to be mastered and told what to do. The truth is that now I'm learning to let my body tell me what to do. If Christ is in me, and He speaks to me, then why do I resist the messages He tries to send me through this incredible vessel that He created. 1 Corinthians 6:15 says, "Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself?" Both my spirit and body are included in that truth which is exciting to me because I no longer have to carry such a heavy load of demanding so much from it. Because Christ longs for me to be free from attachment to things of this world, He will do whatever necessary to support me in that process. It allows me to spend more time in gratitude for what has been put in my care for the moment, and less time on trying to fix what is not in my control. I think its a true statement to say that the more we let go of, the more we will receive. What a relief...!
Bob and I were supposed to go to Portland yesterday for a quick over night trip. I was planning to meet this woman who is doing some interesting therapy with chronic illness, but Spencer had developed a fever and it just wasn't going away. It was clear we were going to have to cancel. I felt bad for Bob because I knew he was looking forward to a mini-break and having a good night's sleep. That's a hot commodity around our here. And, he said he felt bad for me. But, my response was...I just can't hang on to plans to tightly, because life is always subject to change. I really did feel that peace of knowing God clearly had something different in mind for us that day and I was completely okay with it. In the past it would have been a big disappointment. A small, but important victory.
It sort of feels like a new season within a season...if that makes any sense. Even though its been a long haul of health issues for me, I keep having these times of God stretching my heart (even when it feels like it won't stretch anymore), and leaving me in a more spacious place. New freedoms, new levels of gratitude and love, and new lights to be shown on areas that need to be transformed. It also reveals God's faithfulness to me, even though I have not always been faithful...it reveals to me the power of prayer and that when I keep praying through and not giving up that those seeds that are planted will begin to grow over time. Patience!!!
Letting go, having patience and letting my heart be stretched like Silly Putty seems to be the theme at my house right now. I wonder what it will be tomorrow :-)?
God is good!
Blessings, Tanya
It all started with having prayer time with my best friend and dealing with our teenagers. We were praying about a specific issue that I was wanting the Lord to do in her, but God ended up doing most of the work...at least at this juncture...in me. It was sort of along the lines of when you are in a scary movie and you are holding someone's hand while watching it. Then the other person starts groaning because you are squeezing their hand so tightly, but didn't even realize it. That's the revelation I got. I was squeezing the air right out of my kid.
Normally I would go through a time of being frustrated with myself about it, but this time I had a different perspective. Its not that I have always been squeezing the air out of her, but she has grown to the point of not needing me to do certain things on her behalf. She has become quite capable and without me even realizing it...seemingly overnight really. Just like her growing 1.5 inches in three months...when did THAT happen?
We have been working on registration for next year and she is at a point where we have to figure out the rest of her high school "plan" so that she can get into the college she wants. It felt so unreal to be having these conversations and yet by the time we sat down to go over everything, God had already done some work in my heart. I love that I could cheer her on to go to a school out of state if she wants. I loved that she felt like that was an option for her and her knowing we would support whatever she decides. That felt much better than holding on to the point of her feeling like she has to go all the way across the world like I did at that age, just to feel a sense of independence. God has been so good to help me through this new stage in her life.
But, that's just the tip of the ice berg. Once I realized I was doing that with her, I began to ask God what else needed to have the imancipation process started. And, its not just that I was using the word "MY" like a vice-grip, but how much of who I am was being wrapped up in that. I read this quote that said, "Attachment to things drops away by itself when you no longer seek to find yourself in them." Wow, that felt big to me. The other part is that those things will drop away as I seek to find myself in God. That part is not new, but I think the word "attachment" had a sense of power to it that I wasn't acknowledging. How often have I defined myself by who my friends are. Or holding onto unhealthy relationships because there was a history there that was hard to let go of...or wanting it to be something that it will never be.
I've certainly treated my body as if it were a thing to be mastered and told what to do. The truth is that now I'm learning to let my body tell me what to do. If Christ is in me, and He speaks to me, then why do I resist the messages He tries to send me through this incredible vessel that He created. 1 Corinthians 6:15 says, "Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself?" Both my spirit and body are included in that truth which is exciting to me because I no longer have to carry such a heavy load of demanding so much from it. Because Christ longs for me to be free from attachment to things of this world, He will do whatever necessary to support me in that process. It allows me to spend more time in gratitude for what has been put in my care for the moment, and less time on trying to fix what is not in my control. I think its a true statement to say that the more we let go of, the more we will receive. What a relief...!
Bob and I were supposed to go to Portland yesterday for a quick over night trip. I was planning to meet this woman who is doing some interesting therapy with chronic illness, but Spencer had developed a fever and it just wasn't going away. It was clear we were going to have to cancel. I felt bad for Bob because I knew he was looking forward to a mini-break and having a good night's sleep. That's a hot commodity around our here. And, he said he felt bad for me. But, my response was...I just can't hang on to plans to tightly, because life is always subject to change. I really did feel that peace of knowing God clearly had something different in mind for us that day and I was completely okay with it. In the past it would have been a big disappointment. A small, but important victory.
It sort of feels like a new season within a season...if that makes any sense. Even though its been a long haul of health issues for me, I keep having these times of God stretching my heart (even when it feels like it won't stretch anymore), and leaving me in a more spacious place. New freedoms, new levels of gratitude and love, and new lights to be shown on areas that need to be transformed. It also reveals God's faithfulness to me, even though I have not always been faithful...it reveals to me the power of prayer and that when I keep praying through and not giving up that those seeds that are planted will begin to grow over time. Patience!!!
Letting go, having patience and letting my heart be stretched like Silly Putty seems to be the theme at my house right now. I wonder what it will be tomorrow :-)?
God is good!
Blessings, Tanya
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