Waiting

Waiting seems to be my life story. Growing up in Alaska I was always waiting for the snow to be gone, waiting to go fishing on my dad's boat, waiting to be back home, or waiting to get the heck out of there. I seem to have this "gift" of always feeling like I'm in a holding pattern. Waiting for my kids to sleep through the night, or waiting for my body to heal. Lots of waiting! Which feels very ironic at this point in my life. I should be pretty skilled at waiting and even still it can drive a girl to the brink.


Even though I have been able to wait through certain situations with faith, there are others that still bring me to my knees. I think we all have that ability to pick and choose what we feel like we can patiently "handle". But, God is so loving that He wants us to faithfully wait through all parts of our life. I certainly don't feel THE LOVE while I go through these seasons but then looking back there is some sense of victory. That even though it was hard, even though I hated it, I still mustered up the strength to believe in a God who has great plans for my life.

Over this last month I had decided to start doing some massage therapy to help get my lymph system moving. It sounds harmless enough but the truth is that for someone like me who has laid in bed for a couple year time span, its much more complicated than that. I have toxins that are just hanging out with no real exit strategy and then along comes a massage to remind them of their appropriate place...NOT IN MY BODY. Rebellion ensues and creates mad havoc. This usually entails being nauseated, dizzy, exhausted and other fun things for days at a time. I'm once again marched back to my "prison" as if I've committed a felony of some sort and banished from living life. I certainly do ask God if there has been something in my life recently that has brought this on, or is this just what one must go through to bring about total healing. I have yet to get any clear answer, but just to cover my bases you can be assured more prayer, more reflection and more diligence will be pumping in through my bedroom walls. Of course, I pray this is not a pattern the Lord must take me through to get me to that next level. And yet, if it is...then so be it. I have spoken out loud many times with a very earnest heart that the Lord could do what ever necessary to make me into the woman of God I long to be. Certainly in my own strength and by my own design that will never come to fruition. But, by His mercy and grace and a few miserable trips to bed...I'm in. I'm ALL the way in on this journey what ever it looks like. Rich, broke, healthy, sick. Because to be any of those things without the God who created me would be like going to Iraq without any back-up. It just wouldn't make good sense and the outcome would surely be fatal.

I honestly do have those days where I wonder if being healthy is really in my future. Do I just accept this as my new way of life? Or, do I keep a vision of a body that has energy to serve the Lord in ways I have always dreamed of. I think it must fall somewhere in the middle. Yes, I may always have "issues" that do not resolve to my comfort level. But, to give up the hope of moving from where I am now for the rest of my life would be like turning my back on God. Why serve a mighty God if I don't believe all of His promises. I know that God heals, He delivers but sometimes I just forget or I choose to focus on the wrong things. And, this is where His love is so grand! He gently takes me by the chin and moves my face from looking at my misery in that moment and lifts it to the sky where He is preparing a place for all of us that love Him. And, He does it in a way that melts my heart in a very humbling and public way. Humbling because I know I'm nothing without Him. Public because people have seen what I look like healthy and sick. Those that know me well see the look of fatigue and frustration in my eyes and remind me that they love me anyway. Not because I can do anything special for them, but just because of who I am. And, that's Jesus with arms right there. The hug I needed to make it through my day or the gentle reminder that our goal is progress not perfection.

As I sit here waiting for the toxins to quietly exit and not make me any more sick than I already feel, I also am grateful. There is never a moment when I'm sick that I don't know who holds my life in His hands. And that, my friends, is a beautiful thing!

God is Good!
Blessings, Tanya