December 1st, 2008

Wow, it doesn't seem possible that it is already the holiday season again. It seems like just yesterday we were hitting the water slides in Spokane and enjoying the sunshine. I guess time goes faster as we get older. Which is why sometimes not having optimal health at 39 causes me great distress. Because I saw my parents smoke and not take great care of themselves, I had determined to live a healthy life which included emotional, spiritual and physical health. So, I'm sure you can understand that as I played sports through college and ran road races, biked many trails, played soccer for a while with my good pal, and continued to lift weights, etc...why I have days when I wake up and think..."this is just crazy that I can't do those things anymore." In fact, Sydney had drawn a picture of our family outside playing basketball, but my picture was of me sitting down in a chair with some very hip sunglasses...God bless her for that little extra accessory. I have to admit though...it really stung. It hit me at that core place of who I had always dreamed of being when I was a mom. Healthy, fit, playing sports with my kids and passing on that great love I have for mixing family and activity. Those were some of my greatest memories with my own family. So, to be portrade in the sitting position felt like a knife in my stomach. Is this how its going to be now?????? Is that what my children will look back and remember from their youth???? Or, is that what I will look back and remember. Rather than seeing what I have given them I have been focusing on what I have NOT been able to give to them.

Life does has a way of changing our course without our permission, doesn't it? Well, is it life, is it us or is it God? I don't know for sure the answer to that. It may be way to lofty for me to get my mind around. But, I do know for sure that my life's course has definitely been altered. For how long, I don't know. There are parts that have been changed in ways I greatly welcome. I do feel a new level of compassion and gratitude that has not always been there. A reaffirmation that standing with each other as we struggle is more fulfilling than doing my own thing. And, I see and feel the healing power Jesus has had in my own life. I know He longs to do more than that in me...and those I am walking with. It's never going to be just about "getting healthy", or what ever your struggle may be...you fill in the blank. It's always about what He is trying to do in us, through us and around us.

There is one thing I have found in my own life as I have gone through this journey and that is even though I have always been a risk-taker, it has only been in areas where I'm confident. So, being sick and taking risks to jump in a van and drive to California to see a doctor I had not even spoken with was just about the end of me. But, I knew that if I kept doing what I was doing then healing may not be mine. So, I wonder what else in my life I keep doing that needs to be put in a van and sent somewhere so that God can come in and make those healing changes? And, it's amazing what I was willing to try to get relief. But, why don't we do that spiritually? Why aren't we willing to do WHATEVER to place God's truth in our heart? To be before Him in total humility so that we can hear His voice? To seek His face and not His hands? To see those we love come into the kingdom with us...and even those we struggle to love? I think part of the answer is that its hard and we are already exhausted by life. It takes work in the beginning to change our thought life, change our old beliefs and lies that have made us feel comfortable. To change our agenda's and how we live out each day. Well, that's my excuse anyway.

But, the truth is there is no other way to other side than going through the Word. To allow it time to do its work in us. God says that His word never returns void...meaning that what He has spoken into being, His promises to us, His warnings to us...they will be fulfilled. That should bring us great encouragement, great hope and great desire to be a part of all He has intended for those who love Him.

I know that as I heal and walk along with others who are also in that same process, that God has not left us nor forsaken us. Our healing journey's all look different from one another, but the end result will still be the same...we will get well, we will proclaim the things that the Lord has done and we will forever be changed in ways that make us grateful for who we've become. There were many seasons I felt sorry for myself and wondered why I had been given so much to bear. Now, I see that those are the things which give me a greater capacity to be the woman of God I long to be. I'm SO not there yet. I do have SUCH a long way to go. But, without the trials to cause me to lean into my Savior, there would be nothing of value to offer anyone. That is not a life worth living.
God is good!
Blessings, Tanya