5 A.M. thoughts

Lord, it's 5 a.m. and I can't sleep. I've been tossing and turning trying to work things out in the usual way. It seems as I get older and my kids get older too...that the "usual way" isn't doing it anymore. I have so many questions that I need the answer to right now. How do I guide my teenage daughter in one of the most pivotal seasons of her life? How do I instill good character into my two younger children and not just "good behavior". It seems as though what worked with one is not working with the others. I feel frustrated and overwhelmed. These last several years of being sick have not just taken a toll on my body, but on my heart as well. They have taken a toll on my family and its a season of trusting that even with everything has happened or not happened that you can make any wrong and turn it into right.

I remember laying in bed not that many months ago wondering what the fall out would be from me not having that daily hands-on guidance with my kids. I remember feeling a sense of reassurance that there will be a time when I can go back and undo all that has been done. But, right now that job feels much more daunting than I realized.

The reality of raising my children in a way that gives them a purpose, a confidence and a strong character seems to feel like a huge mountain that I do not have enough equipment to climb. But, I have seen Your Healing power in my body...I know that You are more than capable of Healing this gaping wound that is keeping me up at an ungodly hour. I give up to You all my rights to who You want my children to be. I trust You with being my bridge between this world and the next where my family is concerned. And, I lay down my own preconceived notions of who I think they should be. I want them to be the people that You had intended. But, show me how to guide them in Your perfect plan and show me how to get out of Your way.

Your word says that "with God all things are possible". Let me always be "With" you so that I can participate in ALL things possible. Life feels so fragile at times and messy and convoluted. But, still in all of it I feel hope and recognize all the beauty that can get lost underneath the daily business of life. Teach me to see Your goodness in my family, in others, in every event that is allowed to touch my heart. Keep it soft and willing. Willing to surrender my own dreams for something that I know is much greater and much more rewarding. Teach my children how to love you with all their heart, strength and might. Do what ever necessary to mold them into the loving beings you created them to be. People who give without needing to receive...people who love unconditionally...people who know their gifts and purpose in this life. Let them be people who lead the way to peace and joy. This I cannot teach them on my own. This is something that must come from You...the Maker of Heaven of and Earth...the Great I AM. The one who came to be the light of the world. Allow your promises and truth that you sent out to us, to not return void and fulfill all that you had intended.

I would give up thousands of hours of sleep to know that my children are safely in Your hands. Give me that peace which passes all understanding so that when they awake this morning I can be all that they need from me. Give me Your strength and Your energy to accomplish that which is necessary and valuable. Protect me from the distractions of the world which are always competing for my attention, and yet have no great value in the bigger scheme of life. Let me make the "BEST" choice for them...not just a "good" choice.

I must confess as I sit here sleep-deprived that there is no place I would rather be than sitting in your presence. I know that coming to the end of myself always means coming to You. Thank you for your graciousness, and mercy to this home which is filled with hope and love for You. Even though we are not perfect, nor do we strive to be...we do long for something sweeter. We desire to make a difference in this world and not just be consumers, but givers. A family with a purpose which can make even the smallest difference in the life of someone discouraged and feeling hopeless. Because we have been there ourselves, let us bring hope to those who sit at your feet at 5 a.m. and say, "God is faithful. He will never leave you nor forsake you."

In Jesus Name,
Amen.