September 8, 2008

It's been a busy several weeks getting everyone ready for school, starting school, and now adjusting to school :-). I think everyone got their haircuts, a few new outfits and a shiny lunch box to kick off the year. So far, so good.

As for me...well...I'm still feeling my way around this new schedule. I have to remind myself that my job during the day is healing but it feels so lame to actually do. I'm a girl who likes to have something to show for my day...the laundry done, the bathrooms cleaned and floor vacuumed...maybe a batch of cookies and dinner on the stove. Gosh, that sounds a little 1950-ish but I'm not apologizing...I'm just saying its hard to be still and do all the things necessary to allow my body to do its job of healing. Every once in a while I feel like I'm not getting any better and then someone out of the blue will remind me that I am doing something that I couldn't do even six months ago. That helps keep things in perspective but I wish I could keep it all the time. I certainly am able to accomplish some practical things around the house and run errands, take the kids here and there so there's no complaining here. To the outside world though it can seem like I'm really not doing anything. That's what I have to protect myself from...comparing myself to other mom's who's kids are in school all day. Friends that are returning to work again, going back to school or taking on more volunteer activities are all around me. I wonder sometimes if I'll ever be able to contribute to the world that way again. In my heart I believe I will, but I also know that it is a work in progress. This is not a sprint to the finish line, it's definitely a marathon. Which sounds so good when you write it out, but a whole other story to walk it out. I can't tell you how frustrated I get at times when the fatigue just washes over me and causes me to drop everything I'm doing and head back to bed. But, if I relent and actually rest then I know that another window of energy is hopefully right around the corner. Always being stretched in my faith that there will be more steps forward and less backwards keeps me on my knees for sure. And, learning how to let God's strength cover all of my weaknesses is just one more area I need more than one lesson in.

In everything that has happened, I have always felt that I have been given an exceptional life for what ever reason. Not because I have done anything great or things have come easy to me...all to the contrary. I just know that since making a decision to follow Christ as a 16 year-old on the brink of utter despair, God has faithfully lead me to places that I never thought possible with my heart. I know I will look back on all of this and continue to glean as much in the future as I do right now because in God's economy He never wastes a thing. For now I'll be taking it one moment at a time and pray for wisdom as I keep stepping forward.

God is sooooo Good!
Blessings, Tanya