Recently I have shared with some friends how I am seeing some of the "fall-out" from being sick these past many years. It has manifested itself in many different ways and at times I think how will I ever regain these lost years with my kids? And, its not like I'm suddenly working from a place of full-capacity. It's sort of like being in the middle of a tornado for all these years and just keeping your head down to survive the storm, but when it gets farther and farther away and you look up...everything seems a bit unrecognizable. I was joking with someone the other day about how you need a support group when your sick and then another one when you start to get well because picking up the pieces can feel so overwhelming. I once heard a doctor talking about what happens to patients who have ADHD. She said these people can be going all the time, struggle with organization and all of these issues and then they may receive treatment and suddenly look around and feel so overwhelmed by all the mess they have been living with. It's like putting on a new pair of glasses and seeing clearly for the first time. Well, that's sort of how I feel right now.
It certainly is a good problem to have from the respect that I am well enough to see these things. There aren't words to express my gratitude every day and the desire to make every minute count since getting my life back no matter what it looks like. Trying to remember that things don't have to be that complicated, or busy, or hectic. I found there is no badge given out in heaven for spending our days on earth over-stretched, and exhausted and unable to do the things that really matter. I see my closets totally disorganized from several years of neglect and it feels like a representation of how I feel internally sometimes. Part of me wants to take the whole house apart and put it back together while my kids entertain themselves. But, you know what??? I can't do that anymore. I've already lost too much time laying in this bed while someone else was taking them to the park. Our time with them is so short and anyone with a teenager will tell you the same thing...it all goes too quickly.
Right now I'm doing a study based on the book "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp. He makes some really great points in this book that always reminds me what's most important. As I perseverate on the chaos of a house in much need of attention I sit down to read this book and slowly I am directed not only to caring for my child's heart but making sure I'm caring for my own. I can't help them if my own state is all jumbled up. And, regardless of how I feel physically, every day they go to school and someone is helping them form new thoughts, new ideas and shaping them on some level. So, when they get home I need to make my time count. I want my voice and my direction that hopefully has been soaked in God's word and God's direction prior to that time, to be the most influential.
Tedd Tripp reminds us of Proverbs 4:23 that "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the well spring of life." Basically saying, "The heart determines the behavior. What you say and do expresses the orientation of your heart." After reading through all of that the other day I was so overcome with the reality of not only teaching my children "good behavior", but how to have a good and healthy heart. And, if I don't know how to show love for others and my heart isn't right...how can I teach my children. It's more than just being a "good person" which we have all heard people say. It's helping them find a heart of flesh rather than stone (Ezekiel 36:27) which according to scripture comes from God. So, as I have been seeing things more clearly...the messy closets, the need for a stricter bed time schedule, etc...I also see much more clearly how desperately my kids need a mom and dad who can help them live their life with a heart filled up with love and compassion for others. To let their behavior not just be "good" because I don't want to be embarrassed by something they do that's crazy. But, that their behavior would reflect what's truly in their heart. A love for God and His people. An overflow from what's being put into them which would be something that would have eternal value. It feels like such a daunting task but one we are all called to. I guess I have more to do than just cleaning my "closets".
God is good!!
Blessings, Tanya
(Shepherding a Child's Heart, Tedd Trip, @1995, pg 3)
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