February 10th, 2008

Wow, I can't believe how much time has passed since I last wrote. I have missed getting all of my thoughts down on the blog and need to do a better job just for my own sanity :-).

I must confess that maybe subconciously I've been avoiding writing anything down for the world to read out of fear of losing what I have recently gained. Its such a crazy thought process, but lyme disease and other chronic illnesses are so fickle that you just never know when the tide could turn. But, here in lies another chance for growth and to claim the goodness that has been mine as real and lasting. To embrace my faith as a reality and not just theology. I made a promise to share all that has been done in my life as a testimony to God's goodness and so for this very reason I must share all that has been happening.

Every month now it seems that my body has begun its own quest of healing. I'm not jumping rope but I am making progress. As you know, making it to all of Whitney's home games was my priority this winter. Well, I not only accomplished that but most of her away games as well. What a thrill it was to see her play and to realize how much she has improved since the last time I saw a game. She has gone through a growth spurt and to see her evolve over the season was pure joy. The fun part was also going as a family to cheer her on, or having date nights where just Bob and I would go and have time for just us. It was our mini-date-night a few times. Now that the season is over we will have to make it a priority to get out on our own again.

Let's see...what else...I've been cooking up a storm. There is something very nurturing in that for me. I'm not a gourmet cook or anything, but I definitely feel like that's part of my love language. I made apple butter, and then used it to make an apple butter-pumpkin pie...yum! Homemade pizza dough with lots of different topings for everyone, bb-q chicken sandwhiches, chocolate chip cookies. So much fun to be back in my kitchen feeling a part of the family again. Just sitting at the table with everyone on a nightly basis, talking about our days together and doing our devotions has been really healing for me. Grocery shopping is getting easier and I actually went to my friends house for a visit. Its the first time I've been able to go over there and visit at her house in about two years. Just crazy when I think about it like that.

Today I went to church and even though the music is a bit overstimulating, the message felt like it was made just for me. I love it when that happens. And, to reconnect with people there was so great. To be able to thank those people in person that have been diligently praying for me was so important. I couldn't help but feel their love and support even though they may not even fully understand what my physical limitations have been.

The best part is that I have been taking care of the kids myself for the last three weeks. It hasn't been easy and I've had set-backs but there is definitely a new foundation of health that allows me to count on the fact that I can do certain things on a regular basis. Back in December I was so stressed about being well enough for Spencer's adenoid surgery. So, now Whitney is having her tonsil's out on Tuesday and I have this different level of confidence of knowing that my body can handle it. Its like a new level of trust and so much less fear and anxiety about dealing with these life events. That is one of the best gifts I feel that God has given me recently.

I haven't really been doing anything new as far as treatment. But, I have been focusing so much more on trying to do those things that I have control over. Such as the thoughts I think, the things I put into my brain and my responses to the outside world. I'm a long way from really being disciplined in this, but I just know that when God says to "take every thought captive", he has many reasons for us to do this basic thing. It can take me a while to get my "Monkey Mind" slowed down to a point of clearing out the clutter so that I can input the good stuff. But, its worth it every time I take the time to do it.

The reality is that I still have "hard" days and set-backs. One week out of every month I'm still in need of major bed rest and little responsibilities. In fact, my wonderful mother-in-law is here for a couple weeks to help me out while I take care of Whitney. God bless her for being so giving in this way. I don't know how I would have survived without her help. I still haven't been able to change my diet very much, exericse is completely out of the question, I'm still losing hair at times for unknown reasons, there are pockets of time that I feel wired but tired, and I still have to eat like every 1.5 hours. But, I keep believing that those things will get better and one day I will be healthier than I've ever been in my life. For now, my body tells me to be patient and get out of its way so that it can do what it needs to. Its teaching me how to be a better listener of myself and of others. There is so much being said that if I don't work at being still, then I'll miss the important messages that are sent for my healing and for my growth. I'm excited and yet still cautious.

I'm also mindful of the couple friends that I have who are deep in the battle of regaining their own lives and health back. I want my progress to be hope for them and not a feeling of being left behind. I know that God is working on their behalf and has promised to finish the work He started with each one of them. He has not forgotten His purpose for their lives and loves them with an everlasting love. To them, I owe much gratitude for the times that are dark and we stand in that darkness together knowing that we aren't alone because of it. God is good that way...He is kind in giving us people to share our journey's with. My prayer and vision is that one day we will all meet up and give thanks together for what the Lord has done.

So, I am no longer housebound right now, but I am not yet fully integrated into the outside world. Very much still living in between the two. But, I'm okay with that and have made peace with where I am. There is so much to be thankful for and to remember that the past cannot be changed, the future is totally uncertain...but today is completely perfect.

God is good!!!
Blessings, Tanya