January 14, 2008

I can't believe how quickly we are into January already. Time has flown by, the Christmas stuff is put away exept for the lights on the house...that always seems to take us forever to deal with. Other than that, we are getting back to business as usual, sort of :-). It won't feel that way until I'm totally healthy I think.

I have to say that in some areas I continue to see a very slow trend upward. I think back about where I was three months ago and I've definitely made some progress. Other things still cause me concern and I work really hard to not let those things effect my day or my joy. I realize that I have a life-long journey of taking my thoughts captive and cannot afford to have a passive mind. If I'm not paying attention, there are these little subtle thoughts that like to creep back in and say things that are contrary to a healing pathway. It doesn't really matter what journey we are on, or what our circumstances may be. Keeping our thoughts captive, monitoring them like a police officer at a jail cell, is truly the only way we will over come any type of adversity. There is too much out in the world, on t.v., well-meaning people that can snatch our peace away in the blink of an eye. I'm learning how to guard those words that lead me to the light like a bull dog. Unfortunately it takes a lot of practice and sometimes I'm a bit rough in the process. Because its not just my thoughts I have to protect, its my energy. My most precious commodity that must be saved first for myself and then my family. Everything else is just gravy. If I had always practiced this discipline, maybe I wouldn't be in this place...who knows.


It reminds me of a conversation I had with my mom when she went in for her bone marrow transplant. We were talking about the fact that she would have to be completely re-inoculated with all of the same shots that Whitney was getting at just seven months old. Had she lived through the process, she would be starting from scratch at 48. I guess that's how I feel sometimes. I have to start from scratch and rebuild my thoughts, vitality, energy, and strength all over again. I have to learn how to relate to people in such a way that doesn't allow me to get irritated and frustrated (like this weekend at the mall dealing with lazy cashiers). These are energy-stealer's. So, I'm always working hard at not letting these emotions leave me with nothing left to give. Or give myself permission to have a more-than-usual difficult day and to retreat back into hibernation mode so that healing can again be restored.

As I have been contemplating all of this I was also re-reading Henri Nowen's "Return of the Prodigal Son". He says,

"I am not accustomed to rejoicing in things that are small, hidden, and scarcely noticed by the people around me. I am generally ready and prepared to receive bad news, to read about wars, violence, and crimes, and to witness conflict and disarray. I always expect my visitors to talk about their problems and pain, their set backs and disappointments, their depressions and their anguish. Somehow I have become accustomed to living with sadness, and so have lost eyes to see the joy and the ears to hear the gladness that belongs to God and which is to be found in the hidden corners of the world.

The father of the prodigal son gives himself totally to the joy that his returning son brings him. I have to learn from that. I have to learn to steal all the real joy there is to steal and lift it up for others to see.

This is a real discipline. It requires choosing for the light even when there is so much darkness to frighten me, choosing for life even when the forces of death are so visible, and choosing for the truth even when I am surrounded with lies. I am tempted to be so impressed by the obvious sadness of the human condition that I no longer claim the joy manifesting itself in many small but very real ways. The reward of choosing joy is joy itself. There is so much rejection, pain and woundedness among us, but once you choose to claim the joy hidden in the midst of all suffering, life becomes a celebration. Joy never denies sadness, but transforms it to fertile soil for more joy."

I know there isn't anything I could ever say more eloquently than that. He sums it all up and leaves me with an incredible desire to choose joy even in my circumstances. That I am not this "illness", but I can take that which has left me stripped down, discouraged and angry at times, and transform it into something that is organic, alive and filled with life and love. It feels like a daunting task and one that I'm sure to never accomplish perfectly. But, that isn't really the point anyway. Its all about the journey and any amount of joy is better than none at all.

God is good!

Blessings, Tanya