Today I was thinking about the three "D's" that I've been through in my life...Death, Divorce and Disease. I think those are the three things that I feared the most growing up and have experienced all before the age of 38. All three have taken my heart and smashed it into a million little pieces. Just when I would feel like I was finally able to take a deep breath, it seemed like the next "D" would come along. I can't tell you the nights I felt like surely God had finally had enough of me and was giving me what I thought I deserved. Even though I didn't have control over those three events, one can't help but wonder sometimes if maybe I had smarted off one too many times.

But, as I've looked back over the years and the events that have unfolded since then, I realize the truth is that God never let go of me and we live in a fallen world where life is just hard. In fact, He has done everything to remind me that everything that may be to my detriment He will use for good.

I remember about six months after my mom died, my dad decided he didn't want to live in their home anymore. It was just too painful for all of us I think. So, I started looking for homes for him while he was up in Alaska fishing. I came across this agent doing an open house in a new development completely out of his price range. But, Whitney, who was just starting to walk, and I decided we would take a sneak peak at what these homes looked like. The agent doing the open house asked for my number and said she would contact me if something in our price range came up. I had only briefly told her why I was looking for my dad and the basic circumstances. About a week later I just happen to be at home alone, reading my Bible and asking God to somehow help ease this miserable pain when I got a call from this woman. She told me that the reason why she was calling was because she had lost her mom when she was my age and had a daughter that was Whitney's age at the time. Our circumstances where really similar. And, she was a Christian. It felt as if God himself walked into my room and said, "I'm going to walk you through this, it won't be easy, but I promise to heal your heart." And, slowly over time I began to breath again.

Going through my divorce was not the same. The heart break was just as painful but it came in a different form. I felt so alone, embarrassed, ashamed, isolated. With my mom not there to help me talk through things, it seemed like a double-wammy. She never solved my problems for me, but she always made me feel loved no matter what has happened in my life. And back then, I really needed it. Again, God knew my needs and prior to my divorce He placed a woman my age into my life. We had hit it off instantly in a Bible study and I had realized that she also had been married previously and had a child. She was now remarried and just given birth to twin boys so her hands were full...but when I told her my news she never missed a beat. She would pray with me, bring me food when there was no child support payments, and just let me grieve. But, she also gave me hope and reminded me that God still had a plan for my life. She always pointed me back to the Bible and held my hand for several years. It was another tangible hand print from God that He had not left me.

Since I've been sick there are so many different ways I feel like God has put his arm around me and held my hand again. People who have helped me get my kids from home to school, offered up playdates, and friends & family coming in to help me take care of my little ones when I was too sick to even get up. My best friend who has given hours of phone time to my tears and venting...my husband who has nevered waivered in his hope that I will get better. I only know that to survive these three difficult events in my life, there is no doubt that God still has his eye on me this very moment.

I know that in the very moments of my darkest hours I felt like I would never feel joy again. It just didn't seem possible this last year when I felt like my life was over and my heart was being shattered a third time into a million little pieces that it could ever be put back together again. I was sure that this last time would be too much. But, day by day I start to see a tiny piece of light. When I am able to feel more compassionate, be more patient with my family and God, and see tiny bits of change in my heart...I start to see how God is working out good in something that has been so hard. I'm still physically struggling, and I still have my 15 minutes of feeling sorry for myself everyday, but I have not lost my hope. I am continuing to believe that God will heal me beyond my own imagination (and I have a good one), and that I will hopefully be able to give back to those who feel like they have no hope. If my life can ever be an example to just one person who feels like they can't go on...then everything I've been through will be worth it. There's no greater gift to share than that of hope and life and light.