Laying it all down for a season...a very long Season.

I'm sorry for bogging you all down with so much of my day-to-day journey of dealing with illness. It is unfortunately very consuming for our family and affects every decision we make, right down to Bob being able to get to the grocery store. At the same time we feel like we are gleaning so much from the process that is good and life-changing that we don't want those we love to miss out on it with us.

The last week or so has been a bit up and down. For me that can mean physical, emotional or both. There are times when it feels like I can't take being in my skin, or this room one more day and then the clouds part as I keep pressing in to God for strength and comfort, He reminds me that His grace is sufficient. I realize that I have these windows of energy that make me want to have little outings which I end up pushing to a bit longer than a little outing. I go crazy at the grocery store with this incredible need to speed shop. But then as I feel the energy drain from my body, it becomes replaced with a small little spark of anger. "Not yet, Lord...just a few more minutes...pllllllleeeeeeeeease. I haven't had a chance to check out the organic fruit this season and are they carrying Basque cheese yet at Top Foods?" Then I hit the wall and it turns into a mission of survival to get back to the car before someone is calling, "Lady down on aisle 6!" How embarrassing would that be?

I think the thing I really started to complain about to God the other day was having to rely on people to get my kids from point A to point B. The conversation went something like this: "God, you know I need to get them from this place to that. Why are you making this so hard for us? Why can't you just make me well enough that I can do basic errands? I'll happily forgo other things if you would just let me have this." Here's the response I got back: "Do you remember Jennifer Rothschild? The woman who lost her sight at 15 from retinosa pigmantosa? She has two children. She has never been able to drive her kids to soccer practice or any other activity they have participated in. And, she never will be able to. Why, for just a season, can you not lay this down and let others be there for you?" Ouch! I realized right then and there that I was once again forgetting that our adversities are our teachers and to quote Jennifer Rothschild, "In the adversity we dread we discover life of which we've only dreamed." God also reminded me that I've never wanted an ordinary life anyway. As a kid I dreamed about being in the Olympics playing basketball, as I got older I dreamed about living overseas working as a missionary, and as a mom with a family I dreamed about taking our kids around the world to remember that we have a responsibility to give back because of all we've been given.

I have no idea what the future holds. I just know it will involve times of rest and green pastures and times of great difficulty. We can't embrace one and not the other because they are relatives. We don't know what rest feels like until we are tired. We don't know what peace is until we don't have it for a time. We will certainly struggle to touch those lives of others who hurt if we ourselves have never hurt. I think the great mystery is how to walk through it all, allow it to do its work in us without destroying us. I certainly don't expect to be the one to solve the mystery...but I'm going to do my best to allow it to change me in whatever way will make my time here on earth more meaningful. So, for now I must learn the lesson that Paul talked about in Philippians 4:11-13 "...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."