I seem to be having a hard time articulating myself lately. Okay, you can laugh about that if you want. I know I can carry on a conversation with a piece of wood given the chance, but I mean to really talk about the stuff going on deep inside. The things I see happening in my home, neighborhood and the entire culture at large. Some things make me feel so great and warm and fuzzy, and other things leave me feeling like I've sat one too many minutes in the meat locker...cold and numb!
Right now I'm reading out of James. When ever I feel stuck and not sure what the Lord is requiring of me right now, I pop open that book and it never fails to give me some great reminders. The basics of life. Its really one of my favorite books because it seems to cover or shall I say "highlight" all the areas of my life that are in constant need of rehabilitation :-). Yep, I'm a rehaber! I always need reminding that in this world I will have trials and temptations...that I don't want to be THAT man in the mirror who looks at himself and then walks away promptly forgetting what he looks like...To NEVER play favorites (that's a good one in suburbia)...that its no good to have faith without deeds, why bother really...Taming the tongue is hard to do but imperative...That wisdom is first of all pure, then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere...That I need to submit myself to God daily so that I will not find myself at odds with those around me because of needing to have my own way....Boasting about tomorrow is a huge no-no....That with money comes much responsibility...To be patient in suffering...To be a woman of confession... and the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. Whew!!!! If God where to write only one book to give to us, this would be a handful all by itself.
I've been truly wanting to understand what God is expecting from me. How I can make the most of time here on earth to fulfill the purposes He has for me and my family. As my body begins to heal, my heart seems to get more soft. I see how badly we are all in need of a Savior and not one of us will get off this planet without pain and loss in our life. How desperately everyone is in need of feeling loved by something bigger than a human heart. And, to feel like they have NOT been abandoned during their most crucial hour. I know God has many ways of doing this...sometimes its through supporting each other, sometimes its just through God's peace that surpasses all understanding. But, as I begin to brush shoulders with more and more people again, I can't help but feel so struck by the emptiness in people's eyes. The eyes are certainly a window to the soul and more than one person has told me that I have that "sparkle" back in my own. When I really take the time to look into someones soul, even though it may be hard to do, I realize that God does the same thing to me every day. He looks at those places I don't want anyone to see. It's too painful to let anyone in there. But, its in letting each other in, being honest and vulnerable, allowing God to touch those places we work so hard to hide...that we begin to get that "sparkle" back. We're able to have the energy and strength to pass that on to others. By sharing the truth of God's love, and believing in His power, walking it out with faith and deeds, not blessing and cursing with the same mouth, confessing our sins one to another, and allowing our trials to not only touch us...but to touch others. That's revival my friend. That's how people get off the roller coaster of pain and loneliness and then go out into the world to share the good news. The bible says in Isaiah 42: 6-7 "I the Lord, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open eyes that are blind, to free the captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness." That's who Jesus is for us, and that's what we need to let people know who are captive and sitting alone in darkness. That there is an abundant life available and it looks different for everyone. Knowing we have a God who cares about our every need.
I pray that in our busy lives we stop and remind ourselves what God is expecting of us. That's what I'm doing for myself right now. As we encounter those who seem to enjoy their place in this world rather than their time here, let's turn a heart filled with love to them. Let's not allow ourselves to chase after an empty existence, and remember that we were created for so much more! But, the only way to achieve this, I believe, is to be filled with the Creator.
God is good!!!
Blessings, Tanya
November 2, 2008
October 25, 2008
Getting Ready to Gear Down!
Every time I think things are going to calm down, I get an e-mail, or a phone call of someone wanting something lately. Not that I mind, except that it's time to go back to the medicinal drawing board and deal with some stuff and I'm having a hard time clearing my calendar. Next week is going to particularly busy and so I'm looking at it as my last big push until after the holidays.
This summer and fall has been nice because I decided to take a doctor-break and not go so hard with the treatments. I've been sort of dipping my toes in the water which is keeping me afloat. But, reality is here and I know that unless I really get serious this may drag on for quite a while. So, I'm starting to give everyone the heads-up that I may be going underground for the first three weeks of November. I'm hoping that by doing so, it will give me some more ground before the holidays. It would be nice to have a bit more stamina and energy before its that time again.
I am still having a hard time articulating my needs to people these days, and not pushing myself too hard. I know I look better and of course I feel better. But, its hard to detect just from seeing me when I have hit the wall and need to pull back. I think my husband is the only one who has mastered the signs which show that the battery pack just ran out of juice. I've spent my whole life making sure I didn't need anyone's help, and that I was quite fine thank you very much. Now that my limits are much tighter I do find myself needing help but not sure what kind of help. I am still saying "yes" to many things that I don't necessarily enjoy doing and don't really have the band-width for. Please don't read too much into this. If you have known me for a while then this doesn't apply to you. This only applies to people that I don't know very well and don't understand my situation. I still have this need to appear "normal" and put together to the outside world of strangers which is really ridiculous if you think about it. What do they care anyway?
So, my goals for the first three weeks of November are to keep those weeks clear of any extra stuff...up my meds considerably to see if I can finally put a dent in this candida...get more rest, write more and just keep things in better balance. Hey, that sounds like something I should be doing all the time :-). Maybe I can just keep rolling with that agenda for the rest of the year and see if it helps me make some bigger strides. We'll see.
God is good!!
Blessings, Tanya
This summer and fall has been nice because I decided to take a doctor-break and not go so hard with the treatments. I've been sort of dipping my toes in the water which is keeping me afloat. But, reality is here and I know that unless I really get serious this may drag on for quite a while. So, I'm starting to give everyone the heads-up that I may be going underground for the first three weeks of November. I'm hoping that by doing so, it will give me some more ground before the holidays. It would be nice to have a bit more stamina and energy before its that time again.
I am still having a hard time articulating my needs to people these days, and not pushing myself too hard. I know I look better and of course I feel better. But, its hard to detect just from seeing me when I have hit the wall and need to pull back. I think my husband is the only one who has mastered the signs which show that the battery pack just ran out of juice. I've spent my whole life making sure I didn't need anyone's help, and that I was quite fine thank you very much. Now that my limits are much tighter I do find myself needing help but not sure what kind of help. I am still saying "yes" to many things that I don't necessarily enjoy doing and don't really have the band-width for. Please don't read too much into this. If you have known me for a while then this doesn't apply to you. This only applies to people that I don't know very well and don't understand my situation. I still have this need to appear "normal" and put together to the outside world of strangers which is really ridiculous if you think about it. What do they care anyway?
So, my goals for the first three weeks of November are to keep those weeks clear of any extra stuff...up my meds considerably to see if I can finally put a dent in this candida...get more rest, write more and just keep things in better balance. Hey, that sounds like something I should be doing all the time :-). Maybe I can just keep rolling with that agenda for the rest of the year and see if it helps me make some bigger strides. We'll see.
God is good!!
Blessings, Tanya
October 20, 2008
Catching Up
I feel like I've been neglecting a part of myself by not updating this blog as often as I used to. It makes me sad and I realize how easily we are swept back into the business of life. Something I promised myself I would not do again if it all possible. On the upside I am reconnecting with old friends and making new ones, something I was missing for such a long time.
The current health update is that I continue to do better. Small and steady steps which I know is a good thing. It will never come quick enough, but it keeps me practicing patience as much as this impatient person can handle. And, it reminds me that I'm still walking around on that glass foundation which has the possibility of cracking at any time if I'm not diligent with my energy.
I'm starting to add more foods back into the diet, still keeping it pretty organic and as clean as possible. I've found that I can handle a few more carbs than before and some spices which is heavenly!!! One of my NP's introduced me to Kombucha Tea a while ago and am adding more of that during the week when I can. Its expensive so I usually get only a couple bottles a week. I find it at Whole Foods and Central Market so far. Not yet at Fred Meyer but I'm hopeful at some point it will be there too. Most everyday during the week I take Buddy-the-dog to run at a local school and I walk a couple laps while he chases birds. I hope to be up to four laps by spring. This will be a big improvement and go a long way to helping me increase my over all stamina. Still taking baby steps in this area. I'll have another saliva test done in February to check on the progress of my adrenals. I am totally believing this will show some great improvement this time around.
My hair is still falling out and I'm not sure if its an iron deficiency, an absorption issue or if my thyroid still isn't functioning at 100%. It's so hard to sort this stuff out because there are many symptoms that can overlap. It feels like this puzzle that is 80% put together but there are about 4 edge pieces and a few center pieces still missing. I keep going back looking under the couch and chairs and every place that I've been already hoping to find the last remaining parts. I know there's an answer to the rest of this puzzle, but I'm waiting on God to show me as I take each step.
In the meantime, while I wait for the answers to those questions, I also wait for answers to other questions. I wonder if I'm keeping myself "open" enough to hear what this next phase of life has for me & my family. I still have those lists in my head of things I had hoped to be doing by this time in my life. Now I'm not so sure if they are things that would truly add to my joy here on earth. The slate still feels like it has been wiped clean and honestly I'm scared to write the first thing on there again. I want it all to count. But, not be held hostage by it either. In the past I spent so much energy on things without a lot of thought and prayer (even though I felt like I was being thoughtful). The results were less than desirable and left me very drained. I don't have that luxury anymore. Not to mention I would rather not run myself into the ground again. If I haven't been given a wake-up call then I don't know what would qualify as one.
I think a lot about this financial crisis going on right now and it feels like what I just went through. My bottom kept falling and falling with only slight corrections. Not enough to stop the damage. As I was talking with a friend about that he reminded me of a verse in Hebrews 12:26 which says, "At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, 'Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.' The words 'once more' indicate the removing of what can be shaken--that is, created things--so that what cannot be shaken may remain." I feel like God already did that too me so the financial crisis probably doesn't freak me out as much as some people. It really is like having someone turn you upside down and shake all the change out of your pocket until they are convinced there is nothing left. I hope that at some point I will finally see the fruit of all this sifting, but today it just doesn't quite feel that way. Maybe tomorrow :-)...because even after everything I still have so much hope and am hanging on to God's word the best way I know how. I have more joy than I thought a person could have in these circumstances and gratitude...well...let's just say that I'm still thanking God every time I can go to the grocery store and push a cart around with out feeling like I'm going to the ground after 10 minutes. I hope that I never lose that...and always remember that we are all one step away from having it all ripped away. So, we better have something of substance to hold on to now so that when the trouble comes as Jesus says it will...we don't have to run around scared. We know that what will keep us intact is something that transcends earth and lives forever. For that lesson, and this season of sifting...I give thanks.
God is good!
Blessings, Tanya
The current health update is that I continue to do better. Small and steady steps which I know is a good thing. It will never come quick enough, but it keeps me practicing patience as much as this impatient person can handle. And, it reminds me that I'm still walking around on that glass foundation which has the possibility of cracking at any time if I'm not diligent with my energy.
I'm starting to add more foods back into the diet, still keeping it pretty organic and as clean as possible. I've found that I can handle a few more carbs than before and some spices which is heavenly!!! One of my NP's introduced me to Kombucha Tea a while ago and am adding more of that during the week when I can. Its expensive so I usually get only a couple bottles a week. I find it at Whole Foods and Central Market so far. Not yet at Fred Meyer but I'm hopeful at some point it will be there too. Most everyday during the week I take Buddy-the-dog to run at a local school and I walk a couple laps while he chases birds. I hope to be up to four laps by spring. This will be a big improvement and go a long way to helping me increase my over all stamina. Still taking baby steps in this area. I'll have another saliva test done in February to check on the progress of my adrenals. I am totally believing this will show some great improvement this time around.
My hair is still falling out and I'm not sure if its an iron deficiency, an absorption issue or if my thyroid still isn't functioning at 100%. It's so hard to sort this stuff out because there are many symptoms that can overlap. It feels like this puzzle that is 80% put together but there are about 4 edge pieces and a few center pieces still missing. I keep going back looking under the couch and chairs and every place that I've been already hoping to find the last remaining parts. I know there's an answer to the rest of this puzzle, but I'm waiting on God to show me as I take each step.
In the meantime, while I wait for the answers to those questions, I also wait for answers to other questions. I wonder if I'm keeping myself "open" enough to hear what this next phase of life has for me & my family. I still have those lists in my head of things I had hoped to be doing by this time in my life. Now I'm not so sure if they are things that would truly add to my joy here on earth. The slate still feels like it has been wiped clean and honestly I'm scared to write the first thing on there again. I want it all to count. But, not be held hostage by it either. In the past I spent so much energy on things without a lot of thought and prayer (even though I felt like I was being thoughtful). The results were less than desirable and left me very drained. I don't have that luxury anymore. Not to mention I would rather not run myself into the ground again. If I haven't been given a wake-up call then I don't know what would qualify as one.
I think a lot about this financial crisis going on right now and it feels like what I just went through. My bottom kept falling and falling with only slight corrections. Not enough to stop the damage. As I was talking with a friend about that he reminded me of a verse in Hebrews 12:26 which says, "At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, 'Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.' The words 'once more' indicate the removing of what can be shaken--that is, created things--so that what cannot be shaken may remain." I feel like God already did that too me so the financial crisis probably doesn't freak me out as much as some people. It really is like having someone turn you upside down and shake all the change out of your pocket until they are convinced there is nothing left. I hope that at some point I will finally see the fruit of all this sifting, but today it just doesn't quite feel that way. Maybe tomorrow :-)...because even after everything I still have so much hope and am hanging on to God's word the best way I know how. I have more joy than I thought a person could have in these circumstances and gratitude...well...let's just say that I'm still thanking God every time I can go to the grocery store and push a cart around with out feeling like I'm going to the ground after 10 minutes. I hope that I never lose that...and always remember that we are all one step away from having it all ripped away. So, we better have something of substance to hold on to now so that when the trouble comes as Jesus says it will...we don't have to run around scared. We know that what will keep us intact is something that transcends earth and lives forever. For that lesson, and this season of sifting...I give thanks.
God is good!
Blessings, Tanya
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