I can't believe Memorial Day is finally here. I don't personally know anyone who has fought in a war or know anyone who is fighting right now. But, never-the-less, I am still so grateful for those who have done so and are doing so even as I type. I know there are many parents, spouses, and children patiently waiting for their loved one to return home to them. There are also many who do not need a "Memorial Day" to remember what they have lost. I cannot grasp the sacrifice that has been made for this country at times. The blood that has been shed on my behalf so that I may walk around in freedom, openly pray to God, and live life the way I feel called to live it.
And even as great a sacrifice that these brave men and women have made, there is one that is even greater. That sacrifice that Christ made for me on the cross. It also seems hard for me to understand and truly grasp that someone would lay down their life for me so that I can truly live. I think we all have our own reasons for struggling with this. The one that always comes to mind for me is that I just know myself all too well. I know that in my nature I am definitely not worth saving. And yet, God says that I am. Even though I have rattled off a thousands mistakes to Him, it doesn't seem to matter. His word says that He remembers them no more..."as far as the East is from the West." To the outside world it may seem like a license to do what ever we want because, hey, God forgives. But, for me, it propels me forward to be more like Christ...with His help of course.
I love that we as a country have traditions and holidays to honor the men and women who have fallen for me. I wish that I could thank every single one personally. To show my heart-felt thank you to the parents, wives and husbands and children for all they have had to give up. It takes courage for these people to get up everyday and go fight a battle that they may not even fully understand. I will never have that kind of battle to face in my life time. But, for me, I have to get up every morning and pour out the junk, and fill myself up with something greater than myself so that I can face the battle for my heart, my marriage and my family. I know that my very nature wants to pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep. To step up and face the day can now be met with hope, faith and love because I have One who gave His life for me in such a way that gives me strength and courage that I normally would not have. I know myself pretty well and to go about my day without my full armour from the Lord leaves me wide open for all kinds of trouble. But, with it I can be the kind of person He created me to be. He is the greatest Leader I will ever have.
I hope people take the time to remember those on this day who have given their lives for our country. We should be incredibly grateful. But, we also should be reminded of the One who died to give us eternal life...everyday. Without it we truly are lost.
God is Good!
Blessings, Tanya
May 26, 2008
May 23, 2008
May 23, 2008
As parts of our home life stagger towards "more normal", I have found that for my own heart...things are far from that. I feel restless, unsatisfied, and an overall sense that it is once again the pangs of God beginning to stretch me. I know it all too well now. I welcome it and I loath it...at the same time. It's exciting to know that God is always moving in my heart and pushing me to new heights with him. At the same time, it is never without me being humbled and broken in another corner of my life. For some reason, it always sneaks up on me. There are usually a series of difficult encounters and events that I manage to muddle through. Then a time of recovery and rest. Then a time of trying to get caught up on daily life. It's like a Ferris wheel that after the 20th trip around starts to make me nauseated. So, its time to find the "Stop" button and get off the ride.
As I have been going about my day, I feel intense urges to just steal away and be alone to pour out my heart at the most unusual times. Today driving towards Kirkland I had to drive by my best friend's house while it was in the middle of a showing. They are trying to get this house sold and moved into their new one. I just couldn't seem to drive and pray at the same time today because I was overwhelmed with what I felt God was doing there. I just parked on the side of the road feeling God's presence and asking Him to show His glory once again. And, then as I was listening to a Beth Moore tape, she began to speak about how God will always bring us to situations that are too big for us to handle...so that we may witness His mighty hand.
When God lead Joshua and the Israelites across the Jordon River, it says in Joshua 4:24 that "He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the Lord is powerful and so you might always fear the Lord your God." As I have been meditating on the verse for the last several days I have been asking God to do the same thing in my life. That as He changes me from the inside out, as He knits my body back together, as He challenges me to trust Him with my heart and not with my eyes....that people will know how powerful the Lord is. There is nothing in me that is more special than anyone else who would have gone through this same thing. There are many people who have lived far more difficult lives and come through it with a much better attitude than I have at times dealing with my own stuff. No, I'm pretty much a baby about this kind of thing. But, on the days when I can choose a different way and do it more and more consistently...I know that's God at work in my life. When I begin to feel worn out and exhausted and realize my daily allotment of energy is all used up and it's only 10 a.m. -- well, then I am finally willing to allow God to come in and do His stuff. Why I wait until I'm wiped out is beyond me. You would think that I had learned my lesson by now. Maybe that's the restlessness in me right now. That part of me that says, "It's time to take a new path." I always feel like I'm having to do this. Maybe its just part of my make-up. I'm a slow-learner.
As I sit in my room and listen to buzz-saw's and hammering over at the neighbors, it reminds me that maybe I see God always adding rooms onto my house...my inner house. I can go only so long and then everything feels cramped and I realize God is about to cut a hole in my roof and do some renovating. Its noisy, messy, long hours and I'm usually over budget. But, eventually the work gets done and what's left is a new beautiful space to fill up with things hopefully of great eternal value. God's gifts...more love, patience, kindness, goodness, self-control...things that will make the world better for everyone. Sometimes I am ready to renovate before He is and that's painful too. The good news is that when God is ready to do His work then He will bring only the best tools to the project. You can trust that He will never botch up your heart or leave you with things only half done. The only currency that is exchanged is my obedience and willingness to invite Him to start knocking down the walls.
So, as I undergo more change, more restlessness...I pray that it won't hurt too much and that the end result will be beautiful...until the next time :-). I love/hate being a work in progress. Feel free to pick up your own hammer and buzz-saw and join me. I sure could use the company.
God is Good!
Blessings, Tanya
As I have been going about my day, I feel intense urges to just steal away and be alone to pour out my heart at the most unusual times. Today driving towards Kirkland I had to drive by my best friend's house while it was in the middle of a showing. They are trying to get this house sold and moved into their new one. I just couldn't seem to drive and pray at the same time today because I was overwhelmed with what I felt God was doing there. I just parked on the side of the road feeling God's presence and asking Him to show His glory once again. And, then as I was listening to a Beth Moore tape, she began to speak about how God will always bring us to situations that are too big for us to handle...so that we may witness His mighty hand.
When God lead Joshua and the Israelites across the Jordon River, it says in Joshua 4:24 that "He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the Lord is powerful and so you might always fear the Lord your God." As I have been meditating on the verse for the last several days I have been asking God to do the same thing in my life. That as He changes me from the inside out, as He knits my body back together, as He challenges me to trust Him with my heart and not with my eyes....that people will know how powerful the Lord is. There is nothing in me that is more special than anyone else who would have gone through this same thing. There are many people who have lived far more difficult lives and come through it with a much better attitude than I have at times dealing with my own stuff. No, I'm pretty much a baby about this kind of thing. But, on the days when I can choose a different way and do it more and more consistently...I know that's God at work in my life. When I begin to feel worn out and exhausted and realize my daily allotment of energy is all used up and it's only 10 a.m. -- well, then I am finally willing to allow God to come in and do His stuff. Why I wait until I'm wiped out is beyond me. You would think that I had learned my lesson by now. Maybe that's the restlessness in me right now. That part of me that says, "It's time to take a new path." I always feel like I'm having to do this. Maybe its just part of my make-up. I'm a slow-learner.
As I sit in my room and listen to buzz-saw's and hammering over at the neighbors, it reminds me that maybe I see God always adding rooms onto my house...my inner house. I can go only so long and then everything feels cramped and I realize God is about to cut a hole in my roof and do some renovating. Its noisy, messy, long hours and I'm usually over budget. But, eventually the work gets done and what's left is a new beautiful space to fill up with things hopefully of great eternal value. God's gifts...more love, patience, kindness, goodness, self-control...things that will make the world better for everyone. Sometimes I am ready to renovate before He is and that's painful too. The good news is that when God is ready to do His work then He will bring only the best tools to the project. You can trust that He will never botch up your heart or leave you with things only half done. The only currency that is exchanged is my obedience and willingness to invite Him to start knocking down the walls.
So, as I undergo more change, more restlessness...I pray that it won't hurt too much and that the end result will be beautiful...until the next time :-). I love/hate being a work in progress. Feel free to pick up your own hammer and buzz-saw and join me. I sure could use the company.
God is Good!
Blessings, Tanya
May 14, 2008
May 14, 2008 - Health Update
It's been a very busy couple days. Yesterday was my day to finally go get my two cavities filled. I was so nervous about it because I haven't injected anything into my body for a very long time. I haven't even had a Tylenol or Advil in about three years so I had no idea how this was going to go. But, this wonderful natural dentist that I found was so amazing. First she gave me a numbing agent minus any epinephrine. I guess that's the stuff that keeps everything numb for a long time. So, luckily this dentist moves fast once everything is numbed up and ready to go. She was so understanding and compassionate, I just couldn't express enough how grateful I was. I've never been nervous about the dentist and actually rather enjoy it. But, these days, things are much different. The point is that my teeth are all fixed and everything is super healthy in that department. It feels good to have at least one part of my body working and like a huge load has been lifted from me.
Today I also got good news about my latest blood draw. I haven't had my blood checked in a year and I was pleasantly surprised to hear that things are still moving in a positive direction. My liver is functioning "normally" for the first time in over 18 months and that was really the only thing I was feeling anxious about. Some other things have improved and are closer to reaching the "normal" range, but not totally there yet. It's just more confirmation that healing can take a long time and you have to be patient. If I measure my healing in terms of years, then by next year everything should be within the "normal" range, including my cortisol levels, God willing :-). I truly do have to give God the glory for my healing. Having my church and friends praying for me and believing for my recovery has kept my faith intact and allowed God to do his work in my life. I don't always understand why some people are instantly healed and why some of us take longer. But, it doesn't matter to me. I believe both ways are still a miracle and I am grateful for this season of His healing in my life.
Thanks to everyone who has prayed for me and with me. Especially my husband. Without him I can't imagine where I would be. Going through all of this has shown me how blessed I am to have Bob in my life and I can't imagine anyone loving me more and taking better care of me than how he has. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.
God is Good!
Blessings, Tanya
Today I also got good news about my latest blood draw. I haven't had my blood checked in a year and I was pleasantly surprised to hear that things are still moving in a positive direction. My liver is functioning "normally" for the first time in over 18 months and that was really the only thing I was feeling anxious about. Some other things have improved and are closer to reaching the "normal" range, but not totally there yet. It's just more confirmation that healing can take a long time and you have to be patient. If I measure my healing in terms of years, then by next year everything should be within the "normal" range, including my cortisol levels, God willing :-). I truly do have to give God the glory for my healing. Having my church and friends praying for me and believing for my recovery has kept my faith intact and allowed God to do his work in my life. I don't always understand why some people are instantly healed and why some of us take longer. But, it doesn't matter to me. I believe both ways are still a miracle and I am grateful for this season of His healing in my life.
Thanks to everyone who has prayed for me and with me. Especially my husband. Without him I can't imagine where I would be. Going through all of this has shown me how blessed I am to have Bob in my life and I can't imagine anyone loving me more and taking better care of me than how he has. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.
God is Good!
Blessings, Tanya
May 8, 2008
May 8th, Moms & Muffins
It's been a big year for our family. So much to celebrate and to be thankful for. This morning I woke up with Sydney standing next to my bed all dressed and ready for the day, holding a little sign that said, "To: Mommy Gore". The inside said, "Happy Mom's and Muffins Day." I could tell that even though we didn't talk about the fact that I wasn't well enough to attend this wonderful event at school last year, her anticipation of having me there today was so palpable, I made sure that I got my act together quickly so as not to be late. We had a great time together and it was impossible not to smile all morning long thinking how good God has been to our family. It's funny too because even though I've done the "Mom's and Muffins" thing with Whitney many times, this time was sweeter and had feelings of hope as the underpinning of the day. It's another memory that will have a deeper imprint on all of us as we celebrate even the smallest of these events in our lives. I guess when one has been house bound for a few years, there is no such thing as a small event that involves anything outside our four walls. Even saying how grateful I feel rarely feels like enough.
After that event I had a doctor appointment, my first one in about 6 months. I went back to my first naturopathic doctor I ever worked with when I first started having issues. It was a great appointment. Great in the respect that he could see by some of my tests and also just how I have been feeling that God has really put me on the right track. He really liked what I had been doing on my own and had just a few things that I could start working on to help with the food allergies. I am still only eating about 6-7 different foods. It felt like a relief to be partnering with someone who didn't want to give me more stuff to "kill things" in my body. He really encouraged me to continue going slow, to be patient and take a break from trying to figure things out. Just relax!!! Gosh, that sounds like my life mantra. But, I realized in that appointment how far I had come emotionally and spiritually. It felt good to hear him say, "You need to just keep going slow." I have sensed the Lord longing to slow me down for years and have written about it many times. "Just breathe, Tanya." Easier said than done for me. But, I am learning. I said to him in that appointment today..."I don't want to just get well. I want to live my whole life well. I want to learn how to live a life that doesn't tear my body, mind or spirit down. I want to learn how to go slow." I guess its like anything...practice, practice, practice. It does seem that life is faithful to give us many opportunities to make a different choice than the one we have consistently made in the past. Every day is a chance to do something new.
We recently attended a church service at "All Saints Church, in Queen Anne. http://www.believedoubtseek.org/
The pastor and his wife are friends of mine from when I attended Northwest University. I love and admire them so much for the work they are doing not just in Seattle but world wide. Unfortunately Bill wasn't there and we heard a guest speaker talking about relationships and I was thinking about what he shared that day. He spoke about Joseph and how he had a chance to forgive his brothers during the famine. He had a chance to make a different choice under really difficult circumstances. That moment where there is a big silence or pause and you can either extend forgiveness or extend punishment to those who have hurt us. I feel like God has pushed a huge "pause" button in my life during these last three years of illness and has been saying to me, "I'm giving you a chance to make a different choice." Deuteronomy 30: 19 says, "This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him." It's so easy to get caught up in everyday life that we forget about the thoughts we think, the anger we hold on to, just watching the news...those things can suck the life right out of us. Every part of our being becomes bankrupt when we do not get up everyday and decide to "Choose Life". It's a choice I have to make when someone has hurt me deeply and all I want to do is hurt them back. Or, get wrapped up in fearful thinking all day about what might happen if I don't keep getting well. It's like cutting my own fuel line when I do that. There's no way I can keep up with all the leaks I am creating. The only way for me to heal, and live a long and healthy life is to make sure I am choosing to stay connected to the Author of Life and with others who are doing the same thing. My best friend and I pray twice a week and let me tell you, we both have kicked ourselves that we didn't do this consistently throughout our entire friendship. We have many times prayed together and have had seasons of gathering other women together to pray. But, this is the first season together that we have said, "No matter what...we must do this for our marriages, our families and for ourselves." The fruit we are reaping has blown us away. Has God answered every single one of our prayers...not yet. But, He has begun to change us...to slow us down and to learn how to trust and rest in him like never before. We laugh sometimes at the things we are believing God for. But, our motto is if we make a mistake...let us always err on the side of believing God. If we don't get an answer...well, that's an answer in itself. Or, we need to continue to persevere and never give up. Slowing down, making a choice to do and say things that bring life, and surrendering our time to Him is something I know I will look back on during these days of illness and be grateful for. I will never say that I'm thankful for getting sick, but I will always know that in God's economy He will never waste anything, He's always worth trusting, and He never breaks a promise.
God is Good!!!
Blessings, Tanya
After that event I had a doctor appointment, my first one in about 6 months. I went back to my first naturopathic doctor I ever worked with when I first started having issues. It was a great appointment. Great in the respect that he could see by some of my tests and also just how I have been feeling that God has really put me on the right track. He really liked what I had been doing on my own and had just a few things that I could start working on to help with the food allergies. I am still only eating about 6-7 different foods. It felt like a relief to be partnering with someone who didn't want to give me more stuff to "kill things" in my body. He really encouraged me to continue going slow, to be patient and take a break from trying to figure things out. Just relax!!! Gosh, that sounds like my life mantra. But, I realized in that appointment how far I had come emotionally and spiritually. It felt good to hear him say, "You need to just keep going slow." I have sensed the Lord longing to slow me down for years and have written about it many times. "Just breathe, Tanya." Easier said than done for me. But, I am learning. I said to him in that appointment today..."I don't want to just get well. I want to live my whole life well. I want to learn how to live a life that doesn't tear my body, mind or spirit down. I want to learn how to go slow." I guess its like anything...practice, practice, practice. It does seem that life is faithful to give us many opportunities to make a different choice than the one we have consistently made in the past. Every day is a chance to do something new.
We recently attended a church service at "All Saints Church, in Queen Anne. http://www.believedoubtseek.org/
The pastor and his wife are friends of mine from when I attended Northwest University. I love and admire them so much for the work they are doing not just in Seattle but world wide. Unfortunately Bill wasn't there and we heard a guest speaker talking about relationships and I was thinking about what he shared that day. He spoke about Joseph and how he had a chance to forgive his brothers during the famine. He had a chance to make a different choice under really difficult circumstances. That moment where there is a big silence or pause and you can either extend forgiveness or extend punishment to those who have hurt us. I feel like God has pushed a huge "pause" button in my life during these last three years of illness and has been saying to me, "I'm giving you a chance to make a different choice." Deuteronomy 30: 19 says, "This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him." It's so easy to get caught up in everyday life that we forget about the thoughts we think, the anger we hold on to, just watching the news...those things can suck the life right out of us. Every part of our being becomes bankrupt when we do not get up everyday and decide to "Choose Life". It's a choice I have to make when someone has hurt me deeply and all I want to do is hurt them back. Or, get wrapped up in fearful thinking all day about what might happen if I don't keep getting well. It's like cutting my own fuel line when I do that. There's no way I can keep up with all the leaks I am creating. The only way for me to heal, and live a long and healthy life is to make sure I am choosing to stay connected to the Author of Life and with others who are doing the same thing. My best friend and I pray twice a week and let me tell you, we both have kicked ourselves that we didn't do this consistently throughout our entire friendship. We have many times prayed together and have had seasons of gathering other women together to pray. But, this is the first season together that we have said, "No matter what...we must do this for our marriages, our families and for ourselves." The fruit we are reaping has blown us away. Has God answered every single one of our prayers...not yet. But, He has begun to change us...to slow us down and to learn how to trust and rest in him like never before. We laugh sometimes at the things we are believing God for. But, our motto is if we make a mistake...let us always err on the side of believing God. If we don't get an answer...well, that's an answer in itself. Or, we need to continue to persevere and never give up. Slowing down, making a choice to do and say things that bring life, and surrendering our time to Him is something I know I will look back on during these days of illness and be grateful for. I will never say that I'm thankful for getting sick, but I will always know that in God's economy He will never waste anything, He's always worth trusting, and He never breaks a promise.
God is Good!!!
Blessings, Tanya
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