Walking by Faith

For my 8th grade graduation a very dear friend of mine gave me my first journal. I still have it sitting in a dusty box up in my closet that I haul down from its perch every so often. Actually, in the box there are at least six journals that I have gathered over time. Its fun to go through them and remember the dreams I was so filled up with. The excitement of all the different stages I was going through and also some of the disappointments. As I've gotten older it reminds me how easy it is to dream and plan, but how painful it is when things do not seem to be turning out according to what we had in our mind. Since it is now the Summer Olympics, it certainly goes to show how powerful our dreams can be as we can see by these amazing athletes. Most of their stories started with a dream when they were very young and are now realizing them for the first time...or for the 4th time as Dara Torres at 41 tries to do something no other woman her age as done before. Those are incredible dreams.

I certainly had similar dreams as a kid, although it didn't take long for me to realize that my olympic chances were pretty slim :-). But, one thing I did dream about and that was being a great mom. Maybe because my mom worked so much and had so little left over to give, or maybe because I just came wired that way...I can't say for sure. It's probably a little bit of both. Either way, it was something I had been figuring out, planning for, dreaming about and knew exactly the way I wanted it to all go down. I was going to stay at home with my kids as much as possible, read books to them from day one, teach them to play basketball and every other sport I enjoyed doing, showing them a great example in a married relationship, let them know how loved they were and most importantly teach them about Jesus. What was NOT a part of my dreams was going through a divorce at 27, losing my own mother at 24, and now dealing with a long term illness. I did not realize how powerful my own dreams were until a little at a time things changed.

As time went by it was easy to feel defeated, confused...asking God "Why" all the time. "Why is this happening?" This was not part of the "deal". Well, its been 14 years and 8 months since my mom past away and I still don't have an answer for that. It's been 12 years since my divorce and again, God has not told me "why" yet. So, this morning as my family was leaving for church and I was choking back the tears saying goodbye to my husband, I was also saying, "Why?, This just doesn't make sense to me...this illness, my lack of being able to do these things can't be good for this family. Doesn't God want us to go to church as a family? Doesn't He want me to be able to be a great stay-at-home mom?" As I'm asking these questions I already know that I am not going to get my answers. At least not on this side of heaven.

As I sit here in the quiet God begins to speak to me through my devotional, through my worship time, through the silence. There are just things that we must surrender in order to wait in faith. I have to give up my ideal scenario of what "things" I should be doing with my family, and focus on "who" I am to my family and who God created me to be. I've been given a great opportunity to intercede regularly for my kids and my husband. To learn to be patient and trust that God is with me even though sometimes this life just doesn't make sense. It's what having faith is all about I guess. With out the darkness we cannot learn to walk by faith. Without sorrow and pain, we cannot learn to lean in on our Savior and experience His fullness. We are not meant to live a "comfortable" life. I don't believe we were created for that. But, there are times when we need shelter from the storm and rest from this long journey towards Home. I am confident that He will provide that very need. "The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." That's really all I need to know. Or at least I thought it was until I read this: Philippians 3:7-8 says, "But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ..."

As I consider the depth of that statement from Paul, I think about how Jesus made the choice to wait when the news came to him regarding Lazarus's illness. He knew that by waiting his friend would die and cause all of his friends incredible grief. I know He didn't do that to be mean. Jesus clearly had a purpose for their pain and used it to show the glory of the Lord. If losing my identity as being a particular way as a mother, or not being able to do those things that I love to do, staying behind at times while my family goes to church...I have to believe that those losses really mean gaining something in Christ. And that would certaily be worth all of this heartache. I may not see it in this life time (although I still pray I do), but I will see it in heaven. I must now some how take hold of this truth and run the race that's been set before me...without complaining...without fear...without knowing the whole plan...and WITH much rejoicing. The only thing left is...Feet...please don't fail me now :-)!!

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=dgeMHHbFslk Third Day...Mountain of God
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=1VuADesfPqI Salvador Aware
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=Zk2K3RCxMBk Robby Seay Band "Song of Hope"

God is Good!!!
Blessings, Tanya