May 23, 2008

As parts of our home life stagger towards "more normal", I have found that for my own heart...things are far from that. I feel restless, unsatisfied, and an overall sense that it is once again the pangs of God beginning to stretch me. I know it all too well now. I welcome it and I loath it...at the same time. It's exciting to know that God is always moving in my heart and pushing me to new heights with him. At the same time, it is never without me being humbled and broken in another corner of my life. For some reason, it always sneaks up on me. There are usually a series of difficult encounters and events that I manage to muddle through. Then a time of recovery and rest. Then a time of trying to get caught up on daily life. It's like a Ferris wheel that after the 20th trip around starts to make me nauseated. So, its time to find the "Stop" button and get off the ride.

As I have been going about my day, I feel intense urges to just steal away and be alone to pour out my heart at the most unusual times. Today driving towards Kirkland I had to drive by my best friend's house while it was in the middle of a showing. They are trying to get this house sold and moved into their new one. I just couldn't seem to drive and pray at the same time today because I was overwhelmed with what I felt God was doing there. I just parked on the side of the road feeling God's presence and asking Him to show His glory once again. And, then as I was listening to a Beth Moore tape, she began to speak about how God will always bring us to situations that are too big for us to handle...so that we may witness His mighty hand.

When God lead Joshua and the Israelites across the Jordon River, it says in Joshua 4:24 that "He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the Lord is powerful and so you might always fear the Lord your God." As I have been meditating on the verse for the last several days I have been asking God to do the same thing in my life. That as He changes me from the inside out, as He knits my body back together, as He challenges me to trust Him with my heart and not with my eyes....that people will know how powerful the Lord is. There is nothing in me that is more special than anyone else who would have gone through this same thing. There are many people who have lived far more difficult lives and come through it with a much better attitude than I have at times dealing with my own stuff. No, I'm pretty much a baby about this kind of thing. But, on the days when I can choose a different way and do it more and more consistently...I know that's God at work in my life. When I begin to feel worn out and exhausted and realize my daily allotment of energy is all used up and it's only 10 a.m. -- well, then I am finally willing to allow God to come in and do His stuff. Why I wait until I'm wiped out is beyond me. You would think that I had learned my lesson by now. Maybe that's the restlessness in me right now. That part of me that says, "It's time to take a new path." I always feel like I'm having to do this. Maybe its just part of my make-up. I'm a slow-learner.

As I sit in my room and listen to buzz-saw's and hammering over at the neighbors, it reminds me that maybe I see God always adding rooms onto my house...my inner house. I can go only so long and then everything feels cramped and I realize God is about to cut a hole in my roof and do some renovating. Its noisy, messy, long hours and I'm usually over budget. But, eventually the work gets done and what's left is a new beautiful space to fill up with things hopefully of great eternal value. God's gifts...more love, patience, kindness, goodness, self-control...things that will make the world better for everyone. Sometimes I am ready to renovate before He is and that's painful too. The good news is that when God is ready to do His work then He will bring only the best tools to the project. You can trust that He will never botch up your heart or leave you with things only half done. The only currency that is exchanged is my obedience and willingness to invite Him to start knocking down the walls.

So, as I undergo more change, more restlessness...I pray that it won't hurt too much and that the end result will be beautiful...until the next time :-). I love/hate being a work in progress. Feel free to pick up your own hammer and buzz-saw and join me. I sure could use the company.

God is Good!
Blessings, Tanya