Finish The Race

I can't believe it's been such a long time since I've written last. It's funny, but sort of not funny too how since I've stopped blogging my healing has taken the same hiatus. It makes one wonder if there is healing just through writing our thoughts and feelings down. I guess I'm about to find out again.

Where am I now? I wonder sometimes myself. Well enough to take care of my family's needs again but not well enough to do all those things I once loved to do. It's like having one foot on either side of a swift moving river. How do we wives and mothers learn to live in a world that doesn't accommodate a slower life? Children do not put their growth on hold while we figure out a way to acclimate again to the land of the living. The PTO wants to know why you aren't volunteering yet if you are able to get dressed and put your make-up on again. And frankly, I'm just still too tired to even think about responding to that.

I did start working again from home doing legal transcription. I didn't realize how mentally taxing it would be to do this kind of work again. I was really mainly worried about doing a job that wouldn't require me to get up at the crack of dawn and not rush my kids off to some before-school morning program and jump in line on the freeway to do the rat race. Yes, that's still out of the question for me, but even this feels like a push some days. Originally when I started out the fall I had figured out my schedule. It felt like it would be a manageable pace. But then reality struck and slowly, one thing at a time has been dropped off by the wayside once again. Never mind the fact that I have struggled my whole life with finishing things, this just has added to the guilt I constantly feel again.

Although I search for answers and I find myself just wanting everything to go away and be like "it used to be", I know that isn't possible. And so I ask a new question...what is possible? Is it possible that maybe all these years of leaning on my unshakable health had taken the place of where God should have been? Running was my escape from eating because eating had been my escape from dealing with my past. A way to control a small piece of my life's circumstances. One area that I could say, "This is mine, back off." So what happens when you take away the layers that have been like a huge mile of bubble wrap to keep you safe from the outside? It's like learning to walk all over again. Could it be a beautiful gift that's been hiding under all that bubble wrap? I'm not ready to answer THAT question just yet, but I want to believe the answer will someday be yes.

For now that has to be enough. The lesson of letting God's will reign supreme in our lives will forever be played out. As I was thinking about this today, about having so many dear and important things in my life being taken away; could it be really God chasing me rather than Him hiding himself from me? Because honestly for me to put some of these things down on my own, it might never have happened. And I know that some things such as running and exercise really were a way to distract myself from things I didn't want to deal with. I know we all have things that we wrap our arms around and tell ourselves we could live without it if we had to but why should we? It isn't hurting anyone. I know the lies I tell myself everyday when I choose a behavior or activity that is a distraction rather than something that pushes me into God's light. And yet in the same breath I can say that I want to live my life fully for God. Because I know His plan for me far exceeds any plan I could ever imagine for myself. But the reality is that we don't get it both ways.

I don't know when I'll go back to another doctor. I saw someone new about a month ago and I just don't have the patience for some of these people anymore. I am going over to my neighbor's house though who is going to pray for me again. Will my body be healed, I believe it will otherwise what's the point. But, what I'm expecting more than that is to not just be healed but to see the Healer. That far outweighs the later. I know to my core that by standing in His light I can walk through anything.

My mom's birthday is coming up soon on December 3rd. I haven't celebrated a birthday with her in nearly 16 years. I am grateful to be here with my children just to enjoy the basic everyday things again. Even though I have missed out on key things in the past, I am still here to give them hugs, words of encouragement and advice and just listen when they want to talk about things that are on the their minds. I have to remind myself that I AM here and that's huge...because I know what life would be like for them if I were not. And that has to be good enough right now for everyone. Especially me.

God is good!
Blessings, Tanya