I can't believe it's been such a long time since I've written last. It's funny, but sort of not funny too how since I've stopped blogging my healing has taken the same hiatus. It makes one wonder if there is healing just through writing our thoughts and feelings down. I guess I'm about to find out again.
Where am I now? I wonder sometimes myself. Well enough to take care of my family's needs again but not well enough to do all those things I once loved to do. It's like having one foot on either side of a swift moving river. How do we wives and mothers learn to live in a world that doesn't accommodate a slower life? Children do not put their growth on hold while we figure out a way to acclimate again to the land of the living. The PTO wants to know why you aren't volunteering yet if you are able to get dressed and put your make-up on again. And frankly, I'm just still too tired to even think about responding to that.
I did start working again from home doing legal transcription. I didn't realize how mentally taxing it would be to do this kind of work again. I was really mainly worried about doing a job that wouldn't require me to get up at the crack of dawn and not rush my kids off to some before-school morning program and jump in line on the freeway to do the rat race. Yes, that's still out of the question for me, but even this feels like a push some days. Originally when I started out the fall I had figured out my schedule. It felt like it would be a manageable pace. But then reality struck and slowly, one thing at a time has been dropped off by the wayside once again. Never mind the fact that I have struggled my whole life with finishing things, this just has added to the guilt I constantly feel again.
Although I search for answers and I find myself just wanting everything to go away and be like "it used to be", I know that isn't possible. And so I ask a new question...what is possible? Is it possible that maybe all these years of leaning on my unshakable health had taken the place of where God should have been? Running was my escape from eating because eating had been my escape from dealing with my past. A way to control a small piece of my life's circumstances. One area that I could say, "This is mine, back off." So what happens when you take away the layers that have been like a huge mile of bubble wrap to keep you safe from the outside? It's like learning to walk all over again. Could it be a beautiful gift that's been hiding under all that bubble wrap? I'm not ready to answer THAT question just yet, but I want to believe the answer will someday be yes.
For now that has to be enough. The lesson of letting God's will reign supreme in our lives will forever be played out. As I was thinking about this today, about having so many dear and important things in my life being taken away; could it be really God chasing me rather than Him hiding himself from me? Because honestly for me to put some of these things down on my own, it might never have happened. And I know that some things such as running and exercise really were a way to distract myself from things I didn't want to deal with. I know we all have things that we wrap our arms around and tell ourselves we could live without it if we had to but why should we? It isn't hurting anyone. I know the lies I tell myself everyday when I choose a behavior or activity that is a distraction rather than something that pushes me into God's light. And yet in the same breath I can say that I want to live my life fully for God. Because I know His plan for me far exceeds any plan I could ever imagine for myself. But the reality is that we don't get it both ways.
I don't know when I'll go back to another doctor. I saw someone new about a month ago and I just don't have the patience for some of these people anymore. I am going over to my neighbor's house though who is going to pray for me again. Will my body be healed, I believe it will otherwise what's the point. But, what I'm expecting more than that is to not just be healed but to see the Healer. That far outweighs the later. I know to my core that by standing in His light I can walk through anything.
My mom's birthday is coming up soon on December 3rd. I haven't celebrated a birthday with her in nearly 16 years. I am grateful to be here with my children just to enjoy the basic everyday things again. Even though I have missed out on key things in the past, I am still here to give them hugs, words of encouragement and advice and just listen when they want to talk about things that are on the their minds. I have to remind myself that I AM here and that's huge...because I know what life would be like for them if I were not. And that has to be good enough right now for everyone. Especially me.
God is good!
Blessings, Tanya
November 29, 2009
February 9, 2009
Waiting
Waiting seems to be my life story. Growing up in Alaska I was always waiting for the snow to be gone, waiting to go fishing on my dad's boat, waiting to be back home, or waiting to get the heck out of there. I seem to have this "gift" of always feeling like I'm in a holding pattern. Waiting for my kids to sleep through the night, or waiting for my body to heal. Lots of waiting! Which feels very ironic at this point in my life. I should be pretty skilled at waiting and even still it can drive a girl to the brink.
Even though I have been able to wait through certain situations with faith, there are others that still bring me to my knees. I think we all have that ability to pick and choose what we feel like we can patiently "handle". But, God is so loving that He wants us to faithfully wait through all parts of our life. I certainly don't feel THE LOVE while I go through these seasons but then looking back there is some sense of victory. That even though it was hard, even though I hated it, I still mustered up the strength to believe in a God who has great plans for my life.
Over this last month I had decided to start doing some massage therapy to help get my lymph system moving. It sounds harmless enough but the truth is that for someone like me who has laid in bed for a couple year time span, its much more complicated than that. I have toxins that are just hanging out with no real exit strategy and then along comes a massage to remind them of their appropriate place...NOT IN MY BODY. Rebellion ensues and creates mad havoc. This usually entails being nauseated, dizzy, exhausted and other fun things for days at a time. I'm once again marched back to my "prison" as if I've committed a felony of some sort and banished from living life. I certainly do ask God if there has been something in my life recently that has brought this on, or is this just what one must go through to bring about total healing. I have yet to get any clear answer, but just to cover my bases you can be assured more prayer, more reflection and more diligence will be pumping in through my bedroom walls. Of course, I pray this is not a pattern the Lord must take me through to get me to that next level. And yet, if it is...then so be it. I have spoken out loud many times with a very earnest heart that the Lord could do what ever necessary to make me into the woman of God I long to be. Certainly in my own strength and by my own design that will never come to fruition. But, by His mercy and grace and a few miserable trips to bed...I'm in. I'm ALL the way in on this journey what ever it looks like. Rich, broke, healthy, sick. Because to be any of those things without the God who created me would be like going to Iraq without any back-up. It just wouldn't make good sense and the outcome would surely be fatal.
I honestly do have those days where I wonder if being healthy is really in my future. Do I just accept this as my new way of life? Or, do I keep a vision of a body that has energy to serve the Lord in ways I have always dreamed of. I think it must fall somewhere in the middle. Yes, I may always have "issues" that do not resolve to my comfort level. But, to give up the hope of moving from where I am now for the rest of my life would be like turning my back on God. Why serve a mighty God if I don't believe all of His promises. I know that God heals, He delivers but sometimes I just forget or I choose to focus on the wrong things. And, this is where His love is so grand! He gently takes me by the chin and moves my face from looking at my misery in that moment and lifts it to the sky where He is preparing a place for all of us that love Him. And, He does it in a way that melts my heart in a very humbling and public way. Humbling because I know I'm nothing without Him. Public because people have seen what I look like healthy and sick. Those that know me well see the look of fatigue and frustration in my eyes and remind me that they love me anyway. Not because I can do anything special for them, but just because of who I am. And, that's Jesus with arms right there. The hug I needed to make it through my day or the gentle reminder that our goal is progress not perfection.
As I sit here waiting for the toxins to quietly exit and not make me any more sick than I already feel, I also am grateful. There is never a moment when I'm sick that I don't know who holds my life in His hands. And that, my friends, is a beautiful thing!
God is Good!
Blessings, Tanya
Even though I have been able to wait through certain situations with faith, there are others that still bring me to my knees. I think we all have that ability to pick and choose what we feel like we can patiently "handle". But, God is so loving that He wants us to faithfully wait through all parts of our life. I certainly don't feel THE LOVE while I go through these seasons but then looking back there is some sense of victory. That even though it was hard, even though I hated it, I still mustered up the strength to believe in a God who has great plans for my life.
Over this last month I had decided to start doing some massage therapy to help get my lymph system moving. It sounds harmless enough but the truth is that for someone like me who has laid in bed for a couple year time span, its much more complicated than that. I have toxins that are just hanging out with no real exit strategy and then along comes a massage to remind them of their appropriate place...NOT IN MY BODY. Rebellion ensues and creates mad havoc. This usually entails being nauseated, dizzy, exhausted and other fun things for days at a time. I'm once again marched back to my "prison" as if I've committed a felony of some sort and banished from living life. I certainly do ask God if there has been something in my life recently that has brought this on, or is this just what one must go through to bring about total healing. I have yet to get any clear answer, but just to cover my bases you can be assured more prayer, more reflection and more diligence will be pumping in through my bedroom walls. Of course, I pray this is not a pattern the Lord must take me through to get me to that next level. And yet, if it is...then so be it. I have spoken out loud many times with a very earnest heart that the Lord could do what ever necessary to make me into the woman of God I long to be. Certainly in my own strength and by my own design that will never come to fruition. But, by His mercy and grace and a few miserable trips to bed...I'm in. I'm ALL the way in on this journey what ever it looks like. Rich, broke, healthy, sick. Because to be any of those things without the God who created me would be like going to Iraq without any back-up. It just wouldn't make good sense and the outcome would surely be fatal.
I honestly do have those days where I wonder if being healthy is really in my future. Do I just accept this as my new way of life? Or, do I keep a vision of a body that has energy to serve the Lord in ways I have always dreamed of. I think it must fall somewhere in the middle. Yes, I may always have "issues" that do not resolve to my comfort level. But, to give up the hope of moving from where I am now for the rest of my life would be like turning my back on God. Why serve a mighty God if I don't believe all of His promises. I know that God heals, He delivers but sometimes I just forget or I choose to focus on the wrong things. And, this is where His love is so grand! He gently takes me by the chin and moves my face from looking at my misery in that moment and lifts it to the sky where He is preparing a place for all of us that love Him. And, He does it in a way that melts my heart in a very humbling and public way. Humbling because I know I'm nothing without Him. Public because people have seen what I look like healthy and sick. Those that know me well see the look of fatigue and frustration in my eyes and remind me that they love me anyway. Not because I can do anything special for them, but just because of who I am. And, that's Jesus with arms right there. The hug I needed to make it through my day or the gentle reminder that our goal is progress not perfection.
As I sit here waiting for the toxins to quietly exit and not make me any more sick than I already feel, I also am grateful. There is never a moment when I'm sick that I don't know who holds my life in His hands. And that, my friends, is a beautiful thing!
God is Good!
Blessings, Tanya
February 7, 2009
Catching UP
It's been a long time since writing last. I'm disappointed in myself for letting so much of my own journey go unrecorded. Really this blog was for me so that I could remember every step I've had to take towards healing. As time goes by though I realize that even when that journey comes to an end I know another one will be waiting.
Life seems to continue to come at us fast and not always in a good way. But, we do our best to keep up with the schedule and do the most important things first...Most of the Time :-). My health is still up and down although I am doing so much better than before. I do realize from time to time that I have accomplished some activities here and there that would have been impossible for me to do a year earlier. I say that with so much gratitude to my Lord and Savior because I know that without His touch, His leading, His patience with me...there would be no progress. I give Him all the glory. Glory for encouraging certain people to pray for me, guiding me in what medicine or supplement to try, guiding me to particular doctors who seem to really understand what I need at the time. Not only have I received great healing this year, but Whitney has also. Her health had begun to spiral as well after being on antibiotics for many years for constant sinus infections. She had her tonsil's out last year and then began an anti-fungal treatment of Oil of Oregano later that fall. She has been so incredibly healthy this year...well, we all have. And, that's something we have not experienced in this house on a regular basis.
God, I believe, is not only healing us, but preparing us. For what I cannot say. As Bob and I agreed late this Fall to begin getting our house ready to sell, we both are ready to see where God will lead us. We plan to rent and stay in the area until Whitney graduates. After that, only the Lord knows at this point. Our job right now is to work on our relationships here, prepare our hearts and keep them soft and see where the Lord will lead us. I have no grandiose notions that God is going to sweep us away into some exciting land to preach His word or spread the Gospel to all Nations :-)...but, if there is a soup kitchen with our name on it, well, then we want to be ready for that. We have been blessed with so much that our heart, especially during these difficult economic times, is wanting to be able to give back to those who are struggling...who's hearts are soft as well and open to receiving His truth through a tangible means. Even so, I say this with a huge asterisk because God only knows what He has planned for those who love Him.
In the meantime, I continue to pray for increased strength, energy and complete healing. The war is not over and I cannot grow complacent in pressing in. It's so easy to get lazy when you can do the status-quo again and then stop crying out for God's best. I'm sad to say I've had those moments of just giving in to the fatigue and wondering if it will ever happen at all. But, then I remember what God spoke to me a long time ago before ever getting sick..."Why are you not believing me for so much more?" We ALL need to know what it means to believe God and take Him at His word. It's not easy, and requires more energy than I think I have. However, as Paul shared after He was ship wrecked and believed he was as good as dead, that God allowed that to happen so that they would depend on Him and not their own strength. We all must have these seasons of being stretched beyond our own human capacity so that we can say, "It was only by God's strength that I survived."
There is much still to learn through this journey of healing, of becoming completely whole in more ways than just physical. God is a good God who loves, heals, forgives and redeems from the dead. Only when we believe that with our whole heart and walk it out daily in the words we speak and the actions we show do we give Him the honor He so deserves. If our purpose on earth is to know God and to make Him known then we cannot shrink back from that. He will not give us a "pass" when we see Him face to face and tell Him we were "afraid". As I learn to hand over every part of my life and trust Him with it, do I see more pieces of my fractured puzzle begin to come together. I can't imagine what my life would look like right now with out His hand on my shoulder. I shudder to even imagine it. While my life is far from perfect, and that is not my goal, I do see His hand prints and foot prints all around me as I struggle to be all that He created me to be. If I could say one thing to anyone who is sick, or sad, or stuck...to not give up and believe that your God loves you. You will NEVER regret placing your life in His hands...only regretting that you didn't do it sooner.
God is good!
Blessings, Tanya
Life seems to continue to come at us fast and not always in a good way. But, we do our best to keep up with the schedule and do the most important things first...Most of the Time :-). My health is still up and down although I am doing so much better than before. I do realize from time to time that I have accomplished some activities here and there that would have been impossible for me to do a year earlier. I say that with so much gratitude to my Lord and Savior because I know that without His touch, His leading, His patience with me...there would be no progress. I give Him all the glory. Glory for encouraging certain people to pray for me, guiding me in what medicine or supplement to try, guiding me to particular doctors who seem to really understand what I need at the time. Not only have I received great healing this year, but Whitney has also. Her health had begun to spiral as well after being on antibiotics for many years for constant sinus infections. She had her tonsil's out last year and then began an anti-fungal treatment of Oil of Oregano later that fall. She has been so incredibly healthy this year...well, we all have. And, that's something we have not experienced in this house on a regular basis.
God, I believe, is not only healing us, but preparing us. For what I cannot say. As Bob and I agreed late this Fall to begin getting our house ready to sell, we both are ready to see where God will lead us. We plan to rent and stay in the area until Whitney graduates. After that, only the Lord knows at this point. Our job right now is to work on our relationships here, prepare our hearts and keep them soft and see where the Lord will lead us. I have no grandiose notions that God is going to sweep us away into some exciting land to preach His word or spread the Gospel to all Nations :-)...but, if there is a soup kitchen with our name on it, well, then we want to be ready for that. We have been blessed with so much that our heart, especially during these difficult economic times, is wanting to be able to give back to those who are struggling...who's hearts are soft as well and open to receiving His truth through a tangible means. Even so, I say this with a huge asterisk because God only knows what He has planned for those who love Him.
In the meantime, I continue to pray for increased strength, energy and complete healing. The war is not over and I cannot grow complacent in pressing in. It's so easy to get lazy when you can do the status-quo again and then stop crying out for God's best. I'm sad to say I've had those moments of just giving in to the fatigue and wondering if it will ever happen at all. But, then I remember what God spoke to me a long time ago before ever getting sick..."Why are you not believing me for so much more?" We ALL need to know what it means to believe God and take Him at His word. It's not easy, and requires more energy than I think I have. However, as Paul shared after He was ship wrecked and believed he was as good as dead, that God allowed that to happen so that they would depend on Him and not their own strength. We all must have these seasons of being stretched beyond our own human capacity so that we can say, "It was only by God's strength that I survived."
There is much still to learn through this journey of healing, of becoming completely whole in more ways than just physical. God is a good God who loves, heals, forgives and redeems from the dead. Only when we believe that with our whole heart and walk it out daily in the words we speak and the actions we show do we give Him the honor He so deserves. If our purpose on earth is to know God and to make Him known then we cannot shrink back from that. He will not give us a "pass" when we see Him face to face and tell Him we were "afraid". As I learn to hand over every part of my life and trust Him with it, do I see more pieces of my fractured puzzle begin to come together. I can't imagine what my life would look like right now with out His hand on my shoulder. I shudder to even imagine it. While my life is far from perfect, and that is not my goal, I do see His hand prints and foot prints all around me as I struggle to be all that He created me to be. If I could say one thing to anyone who is sick, or sad, or stuck...to not give up and believe that your God loves you. You will NEVER regret placing your life in His hands...only regretting that you didn't do it sooner.
God is good!
Blessings, Tanya
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