December 21, 2008
December 13, 2008
5 A.M. thoughts
Lord, it's 5 a.m. and I can't sleep. I've been tossing and turning trying to work things out in the usual way. It seems as I get older and my kids get older too...that the "usual way" isn't doing it anymore. I have so many questions that I need the answer to right now. How do I guide my teenage daughter in one of the most pivotal seasons of her life? How do I instill good character into my two younger children and not just "good behavior". It seems as though what worked with one is not working with the others. I feel frustrated and overwhelmed. These last several years of being sick have not just taken a toll on my body, but on my heart as well. They have taken a toll on my family and its a season of trusting that even with everything has happened or not happened that you can make any wrong and turn it into right.
I remember laying in bed not that many months ago wondering what the fall out would be from me not having that daily hands-on guidance with my kids. I remember feeling a sense of reassurance that there will be a time when I can go back and undo all that has been done. But, right now that job feels much more daunting than I realized.
The reality of raising my children in a way that gives them a purpose, a confidence and a strong character seems to feel like a huge mountain that I do not have enough equipment to climb. But, I have seen Your Healing power in my body...I know that You are more than capable of Healing this gaping wound that is keeping me up at an ungodly hour. I give up to You all my rights to who You want my children to be. I trust You with being my bridge between this world and the next where my family is concerned. And, I lay down my own preconceived notions of who I think they should be. I want them to be the people that You had intended. But, show me how to guide them in Your perfect plan and show me how to get out of Your way.
Your word says that "with God all things are possible". Let me always be "With" you so that I can participate in ALL things possible. Life feels so fragile at times and messy and convoluted. But, still in all of it I feel hope and recognize all the beauty that can get lost underneath the daily business of life. Teach me to see Your goodness in my family, in others, in every event that is allowed to touch my heart. Keep it soft and willing. Willing to surrender my own dreams for something that I know is much greater and much more rewarding. Teach my children how to love you with all their heart, strength and might. Do what ever necessary to mold them into the loving beings you created them to be. People who give without needing to receive...people who love unconditionally...people who know their gifts and purpose in this life. Let them be people who lead the way to peace and joy. This I cannot teach them on my own. This is something that must come from You...the Maker of Heaven of and Earth...the Great I AM. The one who came to be the light of the world. Allow your promises and truth that you sent out to us, to not return void and fulfill all that you had intended.
I would give up thousands of hours of sleep to know that my children are safely in Your hands. Give me that peace which passes all understanding so that when they awake this morning I can be all that they need from me. Give me Your strength and Your energy to accomplish that which is necessary and valuable. Protect me from the distractions of the world which are always competing for my attention, and yet have no great value in the bigger scheme of life. Let me make the "BEST" choice for them...not just a "good" choice.
I must confess as I sit here sleep-deprived that there is no place I would rather be than sitting in your presence. I know that coming to the end of myself always means coming to You. Thank you for your graciousness, and mercy to this home which is filled with hope and love for You. Even though we are not perfect, nor do we strive to be...we do long for something sweeter. We desire to make a difference in this world and not just be consumers, but givers. A family with a purpose which can make even the smallest difference in the life of someone discouraged and feeling hopeless. Because we have been there ourselves, let us bring hope to those who sit at your feet at 5 a.m. and say, "God is faithful. He will never leave you nor forsake you."
In Jesus Name,
Amen.
I remember laying in bed not that many months ago wondering what the fall out would be from me not having that daily hands-on guidance with my kids. I remember feeling a sense of reassurance that there will be a time when I can go back and undo all that has been done. But, right now that job feels much more daunting than I realized.
The reality of raising my children in a way that gives them a purpose, a confidence and a strong character seems to feel like a huge mountain that I do not have enough equipment to climb. But, I have seen Your Healing power in my body...I know that You are more than capable of Healing this gaping wound that is keeping me up at an ungodly hour. I give up to You all my rights to who You want my children to be. I trust You with being my bridge between this world and the next where my family is concerned. And, I lay down my own preconceived notions of who I think they should be. I want them to be the people that You had intended. But, show me how to guide them in Your perfect plan and show me how to get out of Your way.
Your word says that "with God all things are possible". Let me always be "With" you so that I can participate in ALL things possible. Life feels so fragile at times and messy and convoluted. But, still in all of it I feel hope and recognize all the beauty that can get lost underneath the daily business of life. Teach me to see Your goodness in my family, in others, in every event that is allowed to touch my heart. Keep it soft and willing. Willing to surrender my own dreams for something that I know is much greater and much more rewarding. Teach my children how to love you with all their heart, strength and might. Do what ever necessary to mold them into the loving beings you created them to be. People who give without needing to receive...people who love unconditionally...people who know their gifts and purpose in this life. Let them be people who lead the way to peace and joy. This I cannot teach them on my own. This is something that must come from You...the Maker of Heaven of and Earth...the Great I AM. The one who came to be the light of the world. Allow your promises and truth that you sent out to us, to not return void and fulfill all that you had intended.
I would give up thousands of hours of sleep to know that my children are safely in Your hands. Give me that peace which passes all understanding so that when they awake this morning I can be all that they need from me. Give me Your strength and Your energy to accomplish that which is necessary and valuable. Protect me from the distractions of the world which are always competing for my attention, and yet have no great value in the bigger scheme of life. Let me make the "BEST" choice for them...not just a "good" choice.
I must confess as I sit here sleep-deprived that there is no place I would rather be than sitting in your presence. I know that coming to the end of myself always means coming to You. Thank you for your graciousness, and mercy to this home which is filled with hope and love for You. Even though we are not perfect, nor do we strive to be...we do long for something sweeter. We desire to make a difference in this world and not just be consumers, but givers. A family with a purpose which can make even the smallest difference in the life of someone discouraged and feeling hopeless. Because we have been there ourselves, let us bring hope to those who sit at your feet at 5 a.m. and say, "God is faithful. He will never leave you nor forsake you."
In Jesus Name,
Amen.
December 1, 2008
December 1st, 2008
Wow, it doesn't seem possible that it is already the holiday season again. It seems like just yesterday we were hitting the water slides in Spokane and enjoying the sunshine. I guess time goes faster as we get older. Which is why sometimes not having optimal health at 39 causes me great distress. Because I saw my parents smoke and not take great care of themselves, I had determined to live a healthy life which included emotional, spiritual and physical health. So, I'm sure you can understand that as I played sports through college and ran road races, biked many trails, played soccer for a while with my good pal, and continued to lift weights, etc...why I have days when I wake up and think..."this is just crazy that I can't do those things anymore." In fact, Sydney had drawn a picture of our family outside playing basketball, but my picture was of me sitting down in a chair with some very hip sunglasses...God bless her for that little extra accessory. I have to admit though...it really stung. It hit me at that core place of who I had always dreamed of being when I was a mom. Healthy, fit, playing sports with my kids and passing on that great love I have for mixing family and activity. Those were some of my greatest memories with my own family. So, to be portrade in the sitting position felt like a knife in my stomach. Is this how its going to be now?????? Is that what my children will look back and remember from their youth???? Or, is that what I will look back and remember. Rather than seeing what I have given them I have been focusing on what I have NOT been able to give to them.
Life does has a way of changing our course without our permission, doesn't it? Well, is it life, is it us or is it God? I don't know for sure the answer to that. It may be way to lofty for me to get my mind around. But, I do know for sure that my life's course has definitely been altered. For how long, I don't know. There are parts that have been changed in ways I greatly welcome. I do feel a new level of compassion and gratitude that has not always been there. A reaffirmation that standing with each other as we struggle is more fulfilling than doing my own thing. And, I see and feel the healing power Jesus has had in my own life. I know He longs to do more than that in me...and those I am walking with. It's never going to be just about "getting healthy", or what ever your struggle may be...you fill in the blank. It's always about what He is trying to do in us, through us and around us.
There is one thing I have found in my own life as I have gone through this journey and that is even though I have always been a risk-taker, it has only been in areas where I'm confident. So, being sick and taking risks to jump in a van and drive to California to see a doctor I had not even spoken with was just about the end of me. But, I knew that if I kept doing what I was doing then healing may not be mine. So, I wonder what else in my life I keep doing that needs to be put in a van and sent somewhere so that God can come in and make those healing changes? And, it's amazing what I was willing to try to get relief. But, why don't we do that spiritually? Why aren't we willing to do WHATEVER to place God's truth in our heart? To be before Him in total humility so that we can hear His voice? To seek His face and not His hands? To see those we love come into the kingdom with us...and even those we struggle to love? I think part of the answer is that its hard and we are already exhausted by life. It takes work in the beginning to change our thought life, change our old beliefs and lies that have made us feel comfortable. To change our agenda's and how we live out each day. Well, that's my excuse anyway.
But, the truth is there is no other way to other side than going through the Word. To allow it time to do its work in us. God says that His word never returns void...meaning that what He has spoken into being, His promises to us, His warnings to us...they will be fulfilled. That should bring us great encouragement, great hope and great desire to be a part of all He has intended for those who love Him.
I know that as I heal and walk along with others who are also in that same process, that God has not left us nor forsaken us. Our healing journey's all look different from one another, but the end result will still be the same...we will get well, we will proclaim the things that the Lord has done and we will forever be changed in ways that make us grateful for who we've become. There were many seasons I felt sorry for myself and wondered why I had been given so much to bear. Now, I see that those are the things which give me a greater capacity to be the woman of God I long to be. I'm SO not there yet. I do have SUCH a long way to go. But, without the trials to cause me to lean into my Savior, there would be nothing of value to offer anyone. That is not a life worth living.
God is good!
Blessings, Tanya
Life does has a way of changing our course without our permission, doesn't it? Well, is it life, is it us or is it God? I don't know for sure the answer to that. It may be way to lofty for me to get my mind around. But, I do know for sure that my life's course has definitely been altered. For how long, I don't know. There are parts that have been changed in ways I greatly welcome. I do feel a new level of compassion and gratitude that has not always been there. A reaffirmation that standing with each other as we struggle is more fulfilling than doing my own thing. And, I see and feel the healing power Jesus has had in my own life. I know He longs to do more than that in me...and those I am walking with. It's never going to be just about "getting healthy", or what ever your struggle may be...you fill in the blank. It's always about what He is trying to do in us, through us and around us.
There is one thing I have found in my own life as I have gone through this journey and that is even though I have always been a risk-taker, it has only been in areas where I'm confident. So, being sick and taking risks to jump in a van and drive to California to see a doctor I had not even spoken with was just about the end of me. But, I knew that if I kept doing what I was doing then healing may not be mine. So, I wonder what else in my life I keep doing that needs to be put in a van and sent somewhere so that God can come in and make those healing changes? And, it's amazing what I was willing to try to get relief. But, why don't we do that spiritually? Why aren't we willing to do WHATEVER to place God's truth in our heart? To be before Him in total humility so that we can hear His voice? To seek His face and not His hands? To see those we love come into the kingdom with us...and even those we struggle to love? I think part of the answer is that its hard and we are already exhausted by life. It takes work in the beginning to change our thought life, change our old beliefs and lies that have made us feel comfortable. To change our agenda's and how we live out each day. Well, that's my excuse anyway.
But, the truth is there is no other way to other side than going through the Word. To allow it time to do its work in us. God says that His word never returns void...meaning that what He has spoken into being, His promises to us, His warnings to us...they will be fulfilled. That should bring us great encouragement, great hope and great desire to be a part of all He has intended for those who love Him.
I know that as I heal and walk along with others who are also in that same process, that God has not left us nor forsaken us. Our healing journey's all look different from one another, but the end result will still be the same...we will get well, we will proclaim the things that the Lord has done and we will forever be changed in ways that make us grateful for who we've become. There were many seasons I felt sorry for myself and wondered why I had been given so much to bear. Now, I see that those are the things which give me a greater capacity to be the woman of God I long to be. I'm SO not there yet. I do have SUCH a long way to go. But, without the trials to cause me to lean into my Savior, there would be nothing of value to offer anyone. That is not a life worth living.
God is good!
Blessings, Tanya
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