Sorry that's its been so long since I've last updated. Seems as though the summer has just flown by and now its time for school preparations, physicals and fall house projects. I'm definitely doing a lot of things last minute this year. For no good reason really, other than I am trying to squeeze every last minute of the non-structured time with my family that I can. We've been having some lazy days lately, and we have thrown in there the occasional crazy outing. Like renting two golf carts and taking the entire family out for 9 rounds after church one Sunday. Even though we had to let several groups "play through", we still had such a fun time. It feels as though we just don't get enough of those times together during the winter.
The last couple days we've been getting Whitney registered for school and had a chance to walk around her new high school. Wow, its so beautiful and big. She was getting so excited as we looked in the classrooms and checked out the gymnasium which I know will be the place where most of our time will be spent over the next three years :-). So, once that was done then we have been getting her signed up for driver's education class as well. That's just a warning for anyone driving around our area...lol!! I am looking forward to her having her license next year though since I've been doing a lot of trips to the golf courses, and other "errands" that teenagers require.
Of course, we've been enjoying "Junior" the guinea pig as well. He and Spencer are two peas in a pod. It seems as though we all have been pleasantly surprised at what fun pets they can make. For Spencer, though, it has been such a blessing to have something of his own to dote on and care for. He really has a nurturing spirit that needed a full-time outlet.
Sydney is looking forward to her 8th birthday and also starting tennis lessons. She has been asking us for a couple years and so finally I relented. Its one of those activities that I really wanted to be sure she was super interested before going out and buying a new tennis racket. We'll see how this goes.
I've been feeling okay. A bit better than when I last wrote, except for an on-going cough issue that will hopefully resolve soon. I do feel like maybe I over-did it a bit this summer with activities. It was so nice to have some energy to be up and about with the kids but it wasn't always immediately apparent that I was pushing myself to much. I've been trying to do a better job at getting more rest again, but I think its just going to be difficult until the kids get back to school again.
I also had another doctor's appointment to discuss the results of my candida levels. They showed two different types of candida in my system that were twice the levels of what they should be. No surprise there, but it was more about where to go from here. I have recently started the first round of treatment but at only at 1/3 the total dose that I need to be at. So far so good though. It's always my first goal just to be able to tolerate the supplement at all, and then after that to start working upward from there.
One thing I will be doing soon on the blog is listing all my supplements that I am taking and also more information about my doctors. I have spoken with many people who have not been feeling well or had the energy levels they feel they should and have asked me what I've been doing to heal. Not all things will be appropriate for everyone and definitely should be considered with the help of one's doctor. But, I do feel like there are certain things that God intended for our bodies to have on a regular basis that we may not be getting due to the types of foods we are eating or not eating. These are things that can definitely improve our ability to stay healthy and lead lives filled with energy. Dragging around and feeling exhausted all the time is not normal. So, this may take me a bit to organize and get up here, but hopefully it will provide some really helpful information.
I can never get through my blog without giving God the glory for what He has done in me, with my health and with my family. It's always a work in progress and I am always the first to say that I have so much to learn. Sometimes it seems like God's plans and His truth are simple and easy to follow and sometimes it feels like I don't understand what He is trying to do. It always just comes down to waiting...waiting to see what His plan is, and how I fit into that plan. And while I wait I will continue to give thanks because I certainly do know that I have much to be thankful for.
God is good!!!!
Blessings, Tanya
August 27, 2008
August 10, 2008
Walking by Faith
For my 8th grade graduation a very dear friend of mine gave me my first journal. I still have it sitting in a dusty box up in my closet that I haul down from its perch every so often. Actually, in the box there are at least six journals that I have gathered over time. Its fun to go through them and remember the dreams I was so filled up with. The excitement of all the different stages I was going through and also some of the disappointments. As I've gotten older it reminds me how easy it is to dream and plan, but how painful it is when things do not seem to be turning out according to what we had in our mind. Since it is now the Summer Olympics, it certainly goes to show how powerful our dreams can be as we can see by these amazing athletes. Most of their stories started with a dream when they were very young and are now realizing them for the first time...or for the 4th time as Dara Torres at 41 tries to do something no other woman her age as done before. Those are incredible dreams.
I certainly had similar dreams as a kid, although it didn't take long for me to realize that my olympic chances were pretty slim :-). But, one thing I did dream about and that was being a great mom. Maybe because my mom worked so much and had so little left over to give, or maybe because I just came wired that way...I can't say for sure. It's probably a little bit of both. Either way, it was something I had been figuring out, planning for, dreaming about and knew exactly the way I wanted it to all go down. I was going to stay at home with my kids as much as possible, read books to them from day one, teach them to play basketball and every other sport I enjoyed doing, showing them a great example in a married relationship, let them know how loved they were and most importantly teach them about Jesus. What was NOT a part of my dreams was going through a divorce at 27, losing my own mother at 24, and now dealing with a long term illness. I did not realize how powerful my own dreams were until a little at a time things changed.
As time went by it was easy to feel defeated, confused...asking God "Why" all the time. "Why is this happening?" This was not part of the "deal". Well, its been 14 years and 8 months since my mom past away and I still don't have an answer for that. It's been 12 years since my divorce and again, God has not told me "why" yet. So, this morning as my family was leaving for church and I was choking back the tears saying goodbye to my husband, I was also saying, "Why?, This just doesn't make sense to me...this illness, my lack of being able to do these things can't be good for this family. Doesn't God want us to go to church as a family? Doesn't He want me to be able to be a great stay-at-home mom?" As I'm asking these questions I already know that I am not going to get my answers. At least not on this side of heaven.
As I sit here in the quiet God begins to speak to me through my devotional, through my worship time, through the silence. There are just things that we must surrender in order to wait in faith. I have to give up my ideal scenario of what "things" I should be doing with my family, and focus on "who" I am to my family and who God created me to be. I've been given a great opportunity to intercede regularly for my kids and my husband. To learn to be patient and trust that God is with me even though sometimes this life just doesn't make sense. It's what having faith is all about I guess. With out the darkness we cannot learn to walk by faith. Without sorrow and pain, we cannot learn to lean in on our Savior and experience His fullness. We are not meant to live a "comfortable" life. I don't believe we were created for that. But, there are times when we need shelter from the storm and rest from this long journey towards Home. I am confident that He will provide that very need. "The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." That's really all I need to know. Or at least I thought it was until I read this: Philippians 3:7-8 says, "But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ..."
As I consider the depth of that statement from Paul, I think about how Jesus made the choice to wait when the news came to him regarding Lazarus's illness. He knew that by waiting his friend would die and cause all of his friends incredible grief. I know He didn't do that to be mean. Jesus clearly had a purpose for their pain and used it to show the glory of the Lord. If losing my identity as being a particular way as a mother, or not being able to do those things that I love to do, staying behind at times while my family goes to church...I have to believe that those losses really mean gaining something in Christ. And that would certaily be worth all of this heartache. I may not see it in this life time (although I still pray I do), but I will see it in heaven. I must now some how take hold of this truth and run the race that's been set before me...without complaining...without fear...without knowing the whole plan...and WITH much rejoicing. The only thing left is...Feet...please don't fail me now :-)!!
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=dgeMHHbFslk Third Day...Mountain of God
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=1VuADesfPqI Salvador Aware
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=Zk2K3RCxMBk Robby Seay Band "Song of Hope"
God is Good!!!
Blessings, Tanya
I certainly had similar dreams as a kid, although it didn't take long for me to realize that my olympic chances were pretty slim :-). But, one thing I did dream about and that was being a great mom. Maybe because my mom worked so much and had so little left over to give, or maybe because I just came wired that way...I can't say for sure. It's probably a little bit of both. Either way, it was something I had been figuring out, planning for, dreaming about and knew exactly the way I wanted it to all go down. I was going to stay at home with my kids as much as possible, read books to them from day one, teach them to play basketball and every other sport I enjoyed doing, showing them a great example in a married relationship, let them know how loved they were and most importantly teach them about Jesus. What was NOT a part of my dreams was going through a divorce at 27, losing my own mother at 24, and now dealing with a long term illness. I did not realize how powerful my own dreams were until a little at a time things changed.
As time went by it was easy to feel defeated, confused...asking God "Why" all the time. "Why is this happening?" This was not part of the "deal". Well, its been 14 years and 8 months since my mom past away and I still don't have an answer for that. It's been 12 years since my divorce and again, God has not told me "why" yet. So, this morning as my family was leaving for church and I was choking back the tears saying goodbye to my husband, I was also saying, "Why?, This just doesn't make sense to me...this illness, my lack of being able to do these things can't be good for this family. Doesn't God want us to go to church as a family? Doesn't He want me to be able to be a great stay-at-home mom?" As I'm asking these questions I already know that I am not going to get my answers. At least not on this side of heaven.
As I sit here in the quiet God begins to speak to me through my devotional, through my worship time, through the silence. There are just things that we must surrender in order to wait in faith. I have to give up my ideal scenario of what "things" I should be doing with my family, and focus on "who" I am to my family and who God created me to be. I've been given a great opportunity to intercede regularly for my kids and my husband. To learn to be patient and trust that God is with me even though sometimes this life just doesn't make sense. It's what having faith is all about I guess. With out the darkness we cannot learn to walk by faith. Without sorrow and pain, we cannot learn to lean in on our Savior and experience His fullness. We are not meant to live a "comfortable" life. I don't believe we were created for that. But, there are times when we need shelter from the storm and rest from this long journey towards Home. I am confident that He will provide that very need. "The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." That's really all I need to know. Or at least I thought it was until I read this: Philippians 3:7-8 says, "But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ..."
As I consider the depth of that statement from Paul, I think about how Jesus made the choice to wait when the news came to him regarding Lazarus's illness. He knew that by waiting his friend would die and cause all of his friends incredible grief. I know He didn't do that to be mean. Jesus clearly had a purpose for their pain and used it to show the glory of the Lord. If losing my identity as being a particular way as a mother, or not being able to do those things that I love to do, staying behind at times while my family goes to church...I have to believe that those losses really mean gaining something in Christ. And that would certaily be worth all of this heartache. I may not see it in this life time (although I still pray I do), but I will see it in heaven. I must now some how take hold of this truth and run the race that's been set before me...without complaining...without fear...without knowing the whole plan...and WITH much rejoicing. The only thing left is...Feet...please don't fail me now :-)!!
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=dgeMHHbFslk Third Day...Mountain of God
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=1VuADesfPqI Salvador Aware
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=Zk2K3RCxMBk Robby Seay Band "Song of Hope"
God is Good!!!
Blessings, Tanya
August 5, 2008
August 4, 2008
How about all this sunshine? Holy cow, I'm loving this because I can actually sit outside and get some color for once. I'm working hard at erasing the pasty-white look that I've sported for quite some time. It feels good to enjoy the basic things with everyone else, although I've hit quite a bump in the road since being back from my trip. I wish I could shake this fatigue and resume at least where I was prior to traveling. I guess it just goes to show that our foundations are pretty shaky sometimes. While on vacation I think it allowed me to sort of pretend I didn't have the issues that I do and behave somewhat normally. Now that reality has struck again it feels like I'm starting over in a sense.
Its hard to explain to people the cycles that a person goes through when life doesn't seem to be heading in the direction we had thought it would. I guess everyone handles things differently, even as Christians. There can sometimes be this sense that if you have faith in God that we should never feel disappointed, scared, frustrated or discouraged. But, what I've found for myself is that when I try to push those feelings aside and just keep "praising God", it only makes things worse. It truly is like brushing them under the rug. When I finally come to the end of myself with these feelings shoving their way back to the front, then I know I have to deal with them. Truly I just don't want to. I want to be this person who embraces adversity with such strength, hope and trust that these things don't phase me. It sounds so strong and spiritual, doesn't it? My truth is that I'm just not that strong. I'm not always moving through my life with that kind of attitude. The rest of my truth, though, is that when I admit where I'm at and stop trying to grind my way through, I FINALLY do get to that place of trusting God and believing that all things are being worked out in my behalf.
So, lately I've been asking myself some pretty difficult questions...well...difficult for me I guess. Like, "Should I really be believing for a complete recovery?", "Should I just settle for where I'm at and let go of the rest?" The weak part of me wants to answer "YES" to all of those kinds of questions. But, the part of me that believes God is more than capable and willing to answer my prayers in regards to this matter based on scripture...that part of me continues to talk louder than everything else. I feel like if I stop believing for my healing, or for whatever I have laid at the throne of God, then I have given up. I have given up too soon. As long as we have breath, then we have hope. I think about how Moses did so much and gave so much to help Israel reach the promise land. And, even though he was not allowed to enter...he still kept marching on. I wonder how much it grieved him that the decisions he made caused him to miss out on God's promise. It makes me more afraid NOT to believe God than to believe Him and be disappointed. I don't want to miss out on anything God has for me and my family. I don't want to be cut short of my promise land...to only walk up the mountain and see it from afar the way Moses did. My heart always aches for him when I read that part of scripture.
Well, right now I'm working through my cycle...I've pushed the feelings aside for a while, I've decided to finally deal with them, I've asked some hard questions, and now I'm answering them with faith and hope and trust. Because I've had times in my life where I've tried to answer them from my own world point of view and it never left me with any hope at all. My joy will be complete to get through this journey and prove God true so that others going through something similar or heaven-forbid, something much worse will know they have a loving God holding their hand.
God is good!
Blessings, Tanya
Its hard to explain to people the cycles that a person goes through when life doesn't seem to be heading in the direction we had thought it would. I guess everyone handles things differently, even as Christians. There can sometimes be this sense that if you have faith in God that we should never feel disappointed, scared, frustrated or discouraged. But, what I've found for myself is that when I try to push those feelings aside and just keep "praising God", it only makes things worse. It truly is like brushing them under the rug. When I finally come to the end of myself with these feelings shoving their way back to the front, then I know I have to deal with them. Truly I just don't want to. I want to be this person who embraces adversity with such strength, hope and trust that these things don't phase me. It sounds so strong and spiritual, doesn't it? My truth is that I'm just not that strong. I'm not always moving through my life with that kind of attitude. The rest of my truth, though, is that when I admit where I'm at and stop trying to grind my way through, I FINALLY do get to that place of trusting God and believing that all things are being worked out in my behalf.
So, lately I've been asking myself some pretty difficult questions...well...difficult for me I guess. Like, "Should I really be believing for a complete recovery?", "Should I just settle for where I'm at and let go of the rest?" The weak part of me wants to answer "YES" to all of those kinds of questions. But, the part of me that believes God is more than capable and willing to answer my prayers in regards to this matter based on scripture...that part of me continues to talk louder than everything else. I feel like if I stop believing for my healing, or for whatever I have laid at the throne of God, then I have given up. I have given up too soon. As long as we have breath, then we have hope. I think about how Moses did so much and gave so much to help Israel reach the promise land. And, even though he was not allowed to enter...he still kept marching on. I wonder how much it grieved him that the decisions he made caused him to miss out on God's promise. It makes me more afraid NOT to believe God than to believe Him and be disappointed. I don't want to miss out on anything God has for me and my family. I don't want to be cut short of my promise land...to only walk up the mountain and see it from afar the way Moses did. My heart always aches for him when I read that part of scripture.
Well, right now I'm working through my cycle...I've pushed the feelings aside for a while, I've decided to finally deal with them, I've asked some hard questions, and now I'm answering them with faith and hope and trust. Because I've had times in my life where I've tried to answer them from my own world point of view and it never left me with any hope at all. My joy will be complete to get through this journey and prove God true so that others going through something similar or heaven-forbid, something much worse will know they have a loving God holding their hand.
God is good!
Blessings, Tanya
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