Time flies when you are having fun and not laying in bed watching the second hand make its way around the clock. This summer is cruising by and I can tell by the date of my last entry I'm having way too much fun out in the sun. Well, as much fun as a girl can with a sluggish thyroid and minimal cortisol levels :-). But, here I am again. Back to document the latest part of this journey which always has more twists and turns than I know what to do with. It just goes to show what a waste of time it is to sit and worry about things or try to plan every detail because God always has something else in mind.
We spent a week over in Eastern Washington visiting my brother and his family, my awesome cousin Heidi and then took a 12 hour drive to "drop in" to a family reunion. That last part wasn't really well thought out...but nevertheless...we did it anyway.
The first day in Spokane my brother had offered to have Whitney come to his job and meet some of the Advertising employees . They were so great. He set up times for her to meet with several people who gave her great ideas for colleges she should consider and the importance of focusing in on one specific area down the road. She is considering digital design as a future career which seems to suit her creative nature very well. I thought that was so great of my brother to invest in her that way. Way cool. Thanks bro'. Later that night we had dinner with his family and it was a big "Cousin Fest". Everyone getting caught up and getting right into some Polly Pocket play time, riding four-wheelers and other fun games.
The next day Bob and I watched all eight kids...(Yes, eight kids between my kids and his kids)...while my brother and his wife took Whitney to play nine holes of golf. It was nice to be able to give my brother that time out with his wife and also for Whitney to sneak in some practice time. The rest of the day was getting caught up with more family and then back to our hotel for some R&R. The following day we spent with my cousin Heidi at the water park in Spokane. What great fun the kids had. It was more "Cousin Fest" with her two kids and my cousin Mike's son. I was in heaven getting caught up with Heidi and having some serious girl time. I miss her terribly as she is more like a sister to me than a cousin. I do wish we lived closer so that we could raise our kids together and enjoy more time hanging out. When I'm with Heidi and her family, I laugh so hard. Its like such a burst of joy and some of the most serious belly laughing that I've ever experienced. I left feeling so refreshed and couldn't believe how well I felt that day. I was shaking my head, like, "Wow, how could this be?"
The next day we met up with my brother and his family and started our 14 hour day to Pocatello, Idaho. The drive there wasn't bad until we arrived at the hotel. I got some food poisoning and spent part of the evening praying to the "Porcelain god". It was pretty miserable. But, I was so thankful it didn't hit me until we got to the hotel. I can't imagine sitting in a van and having to go through all of that. God was very merciful :-). Luckily I felt well enough to go to the reunion the next day and had some nice conversations with my grandma's three sisters. Unfortunately, my grandma is in Chile living out her final days so she was unable to make it. But, it was important to me to go make those connections even though it may be for the last time. I heard some very funny stories about my mom as a teenager which I'm not sure she would have been so happy for me to hear about. Well, for me, I just soaked it all in because nothing brings me greater joy than watching people light up as they tell stories about my mom and her crazy antics. She was truly an amazing woman. Anyway, we packed up one last time and headed out the next morning at 7:30 a.m. and finally arrived back to Seattle by 9:00 p.m. What a haul. We were all ready to be home and in our beds again.
I was incredibly surprised at how well I did on this trip. The biggest challenge I had was staying hydrated. Part of it was that I didn't want to hold up the driving progress by hitting all those fun rest stops for pee breaks, but the other part was just going from this cool climate over to a much drier air. I know that some of the signs of dehydration are pretty obvious...thirst, dry lips, fatigue, crankiness...all very fun when combined with a full car of kids and nothing but prairie land stretched out in front of you. Which made me think about the fact that I also started to feel spiritually dehydrated. Being on the road for seven days was great and I loved every minute with my family. But, trying to reverse the signs of the spiritual drought proved to be much more difficult than one would think. I was missing my bedroom...my place of refuge that allows me that time to reflect on things that are working and work on those things that aren't. To listen and just be still is something I've taken for granted with being in bed these last couple years. I found myself feeling frustrated at times that there was no place for me to steal away and be alone.
Since being home I felt this instant exhaustion overwhelm me. It once again begs the question, "Is this house making me sick...or is this climate making me sick...or did I just over do it and not realize it?" I don't have those answers and have been too tired to even care. Today was actually the first day I felt like some small return of energy and desire to even try to get out of bed. It's also the first day that I have been able to really press into God and find out what I've been missing this last couple weeks. The feedback was interesting and showed how deep my dehydration has been. I've read that once you feel thirsty that dehydration has already set in. So, its happening before you even physically realize it. I think that happens to us spiritually too. It makes me wonder what areas I'm neglecting and causing harm to my growth without even realizing it. I started to see that part of my drought may be because I've been constantly asking God to "deliver me from this, or answer that prayer, or I need help with this thing." I'm always thinking, scheming, dissecting, analyzing how I can fix my situation, get out of my situation or get through it as quickly as possible. I rarely ask God to show me "how to get through" my circumstances, how to just be where I am and still serve God with a pure heart. Or to just rejoice and be glad that this is the day the Lord has made.
As my best friend and I began our prayer time we both seemed to be in the same place. I love that about our friendship because God seems to allow our lives to parallel each other. We believe it helps us keep each other accountable. So, today we started over. We decided, just as Abraham decided to lay Isaac on the alter and trust God with his son, to let go of the things we have been fervently praying over for such a long time and trust that God is more than capable of handling these things. To get out of His way and let Him do His job. I seem to spend a lot of time asking God why things are taking so long, and yet won't get out of His way so that He can actually do something about it.
My devotional said this today, "If you go to Him to be guided, He will guide you; but He will not comfort your distrust or half-trust of Him by showing you the chart of all His purposes concerning you. He will show you only into a way where, if you will go cheerfully and trustfully forward, He will show you on even farther." (Horace Bushnell).
It didn't take long to see why I had been so thirsty spiritually. It wasn't because I didn't have time to get alone necessarily. Had I just spent more time on that drive handing things over rather than trying to figure things out, I think the result would have been much different. Just being able to put on the garment of praise for all that God has done and is still doing would have allowed me to fill up with living water rather than pouring dust into my mouth. As I shared with my best friend..."Me alone with my thoughts for 1200 miles is not a good thing."
It has certainly proven to be a very reflective three weeks. I got more than I bargained for physically and spiritually. Just when I thought God wasn't doing anything in me lately, I get this big bang over the top of my head and see how much I've been missing. Can I learn to be content in every situation? Can I really learn how to fully put those things on the alter and not pick them back up again? Is it realistic to really be able to rejoice in every circumstance even when you feel miserable and can't lift your head off the pillow? I believe the answer is absolutely YES. Partly because I've read about Paul doing it while in chains, Jesus doing it while waiting to be led to the cross and John being sent to Patmos in his final years. But, it certainly isn't going to happen over night. And, it will require some diligence on my part. And, even though I have much to learn, the rewards no doubt will stretch into eternity...I can't think of a better thing to pursue in one's life than that of developing a spirit that will live forever with the one who created it!!!
God is good!
Blessings, Tanya
July 11, 2008
July 11, 2008
First, I have to wish my husband a very Happy Birthday today. I think he had a good day, although he is at a BBQ right now with the kids so I'll find out more later. I'm too wiped out to tag along this time. He and a couple of friends also went and played some golf earlier today and I'm hoping it gets him excited to play more often. He so deserves to be having more fun these days. We are also praising God for a recent promotion at his company. It's so amazing to see God bless him for his faithfulness & devotion to this family and for all of his hard work.
As I shared before, I'm missing out on a BBQ with our friends whom I so dearly love to spend time with. But, I could tell yesterday that if I didn't slow down soon I was going to be in big trouble. I was initially feeling myself get that pit of discouragement in my stomach and want to go running down "Sorry for Me" lane, but instead God's timing has pulled me up by my boot straps. He knew exactly what I needed to hear. Turning to 2nd Corinthians 1:8-9 (NLT) I found myself smack in the middle of a favorite passage..."I think you ought to know, dear brothers and sisters, about the trouble we went through in the province of Asia. We were crushed and completely overwhelmed, and we thought we would never live through it. In fact we expected to die. But as a result, we learned not to rely on ourselves, but on God who can raise the dead." The NIV translation states part of this verse as..."we were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure..." Can I hear a hearty "AMEN" from the crowd? How many times are we living out circumstances where it feels like its just too much? We can't take any more and its way beyond our own human abilities to keep it all together and survive one more minute. I mean, God-bless the people who can't relate to this at all. I'm thankful for that in your life and God is doing amazing things through you in other ways. But, for others, who like Paul are being literally brought to the brink of death emotionally and/or physically...we need to know our God can raise us up from the dead. He can bring us back and put our feet on solid ground again. Not only that, but also learning through the process that every weakness in our life gives God a chance to show his strength.
I have had my days where I "expected to die" and had to make peace with all of those feelings. It's not something that was easily done. So, when I rejoice about grocery shopping or trivial every day things, its really me saying that I truly feel resurrected. However, having days like yesterday and today where I'm dragging myself through, reminds me that I have to stop relying on myself and to rely on God. Not as a crutch, but as a way of life that gives our Creator much glory. By continually trying to do everything in my own strength, it puts me back to that place of being overwhelmed and on the brink of death in some form or another. By the way, I don't know how you go about relying on God during your day, but for me I'm still figuring those things out. The early report on my findings is that it involves far more patience than I'm comfortable exerting. Waiting to see what may come of something that I feel inclined to jump in and take care of. Knee-jerk reactions to certain situations that would probably work themselves out if I were to give it an hour or two. Allowing other people to solve some of their own issues rather than trying to "fix it" for them. That's just to name a few. It reminds me of the old adage, "Don't work hard, work smart!" Or, "Don't get in God's way and you won't be so exhausted!" That last one was mine :-).
I would say that I feel pretty sad and disappointed with myself that my Lord has had to bring me to the brink at different times to learn these lessons of relying on Him and not myself...except that Paul had to go through it too so it makes me feel a little better :-). If Paul had to learn it then surely I should not be surprised or sad to be going through a similar lesson. Clearly it is a necessary part of growing up in God.
As for all of these trying circumstances that push me to the point of feeling "crushed and overwhelmed"? To quote a section from "The Smart Guide to the Bible" discussing Philippians 4:12-13...."The trouble with difficult circumstances is that they seem to rob us of our freedom of choice. The slave can't go where he wishes; the cripple can't run and jump. Paul, however, is content in any and every situation. He simply doesn't let circumstances bother him." Oh, how I wish I could say I'm there. I know its possible and I will keep working in that direction. I know that if the same power that raised Christ from the dead is at work in me, then surely I can weather these storms one day at a time. In plenty of energy or in want of energy...I can be content in all circumstances through Christ.
God is Good!
Blessings, Tanya
As I shared before, I'm missing out on a BBQ with our friends whom I so dearly love to spend time with. But, I could tell yesterday that if I didn't slow down soon I was going to be in big trouble. I was initially feeling myself get that pit of discouragement in my stomach and want to go running down "Sorry for Me" lane, but instead God's timing has pulled me up by my boot straps. He knew exactly what I needed to hear. Turning to 2nd Corinthians 1:8-9 (NLT) I found myself smack in the middle of a favorite passage..."I think you ought to know, dear brothers and sisters, about the trouble we went through in the province of Asia. We were crushed and completely overwhelmed, and we thought we would never live through it. In fact we expected to die. But as a result, we learned not to rely on ourselves, but on God who can raise the dead." The NIV translation states part of this verse as..."we were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure..." Can I hear a hearty "AMEN" from the crowd? How many times are we living out circumstances where it feels like its just too much? We can't take any more and its way beyond our own human abilities to keep it all together and survive one more minute. I mean, God-bless the people who can't relate to this at all. I'm thankful for that in your life and God is doing amazing things through you in other ways. But, for others, who like Paul are being literally brought to the brink of death emotionally and/or physically...we need to know our God can raise us up from the dead. He can bring us back and put our feet on solid ground again. Not only that, but also learning through the process that every weakness in our life gives God a chance to show his strength.
I have had my days where I "expected to die" and had to make peace with all of those feelings. It's not something that was easily done. So, when I rejoice about grocery shopping or trivial every day things, its really me saying that I truly feel resurrected. However, having days like yesterday and today where I'm dragging myself through, reminds me that I have to stop relying on myself and to rely on God. Not as a crutch, but as a way of life that gives our Creator much glory. By continually trying to do everything in my own strength, it puts me back to that place of being overwhelmed and on the brink of death in some form or another. By the way, I don't know how you go about relying on God during your day, but for me I'm still figuring those things out. The early report on my findings is that it involves far more patience than I'm comfortable exerting. Waiting to see what may come of something that I feel inclined to jump in and take care of. Knee-jerk reactions to certain situations that would probably work themselves out if I were to give it an hour or two. Allowing other people to solve some of their own issues rather than trying to "fix it" for them. That's just to name a few. It reminds me of the old adage, "Don't work hard, work smart!" Or, "Don't get in God's way and you won't be so exhausted!" That last one was mine :-).
I would say that I feel pretty sad and disappointed with myself that my Lord has had to bring me to the brink at different times to learn these lessons of relying on Him and not myself...except that Paul had to go through it too so it makes me feel a little better :-). If Paul had to learn it then surely I should not be surprised or sad to be going through a similar lesson. Clearly it is a necessary part of growing up in God.
As for all of these trying circumstances that push me to the point of feeling "crushed and overwhelmed"? To quote a section from "The Smart Guide to the Bible" discussing Philippians 4:12-13...."The trouble with difficult circumstances is that they seem to rob us of our freedom of choice. The slave can't go where he wishes; the cripple can't run and jump. Paul, however, is content in any and every situation. He simply doesn't let circumstances bother him." Oh, how I wish I could say I'm there. I know its possible and I will keep working in that direction. I know that if the same power that raised Christ from the dead is at work in me, then surely I can weather these storms one day at a time. In plenty of energy or in want of energy...I can be content in all circumstances through Christ.
God is Good!
Blessings, Tanya
July 3, 2008
July 5, 2008
July is always a busy month at our house. We have three birthday's in the first two weeks. Mine was the 2nd, Whitney's is next on the 9th, and then Bob's is on the 11th. We love the fact that 2 + 9 = 11. When it was just the three of us in the beginning we felt that it was no accident that God had knit us into a new family. We still enjoy sharing that little piece of information with people when we get to know them. It's part of our history and part of our truth, that God does miracles in lives and especially in families.
Yesterday we had a wonderful 4th of July. I had been praying for awhile that the Lord would give me enough energy this summer to have our home bustling with friends and family again. I just didn't realize it would come so quickly. We had neighbors, old friends, new friends, family...it was filled with so much laughter and lots of praising God for what He has done in our life. It felt good to be surrounded with people who have seen first hand how far I've come in my healing and recognize that it truly was God's touch. I spent the first half of the day cooking and getting everything ready...took my two hour power nap...and then geared up for the rest of the evening that went well past everyone's bed time. The kids and "kids disguised as men" :-) enjoyed setting off a great fireworks show which was extra big this year with the rest of the neighborhood joining it. It was quite a sight.
Healing for me continues to come in waves and in different forms. I still over-do it at times just because I so enjoy the time with my kids and doing fun things with them this summer. And, I try to embrace the set-backs as a reminder that God still wants control of my entire day...not just what I want to give Him. Sometimes our gifts come wrapped in the most unusual ways, don't they? It's having the eyes to see it's God knocking softly at our door and the stillness of heart to hear it. I would love to say I hear Him every time, but the truth is I'm still developing and working on this area of my life. And, probably always will be. It's the desire to get to the point where I can hear His footsteps approaching my door before He ever knocks. Having that intimacy of knowing His shoes from every other sound in my head...
Even as I write this today, I know there are people reading this who are struggling for many different reasons. Some in a similar situation as I am, others with completely different challenges. We all have seasons of being in the wilderness. Just the name alone evokes pictures of rugged terrain, isolation, fear of what's out there that we can't yet see, vulnerability, and loneliness to just name a few. But, also the wilderness can be a place of rest. You cease struggling against everything because you are now in a place that is so completely unfamiliar that you must finally allow God to show you step-by-step the way home. And, during that journey you will sit with Him by the fire to keep warm & safe, talk about all the things that went "wrong" that led you to this place or how you were "unjustly" dropped off out there without your consent. Either way, we have to start seeing Jesus sitting there with us, leading us home. If we change the picture in my minds from us being alone in what ever our circumstances are to realizing that we have the One who created us and loves us more than anyone right there 24/7...it completely changes the outcome of the story. It changes everything. Our time in the wilderness can be either the best thing that has ever happened to us, or it can destroy us. We were made for more than that. God certainly didn't want our purpose to be cut short by a trip to rugged territory...it can be used to prepare us for even greater things. I myself have a hard time with God's word that says that we shall do even greater things than He did. It's hard to imagine that. But, if Jesus said, then it must be true. I pray that every difficulty that comes my way, will be met with belief that my God is a good God. He allows things to come into my life and can take anything broken and battered and make it beautiful again. Even this body that has been through a lot. I realize now how our circumstances can destort the truth because we are so human and struggle so hard to want to understand everything. It was nearly impossible for me to believe at one point that I would ever be well again. I say "nearly" because I did leave a tiny little window for God to do His work in me. But, for many months it was my family and a few Godly friends who kept my vision for me. They would remind me that God had not left me and was holding my hand. We all need someone like that in our life. To hold our vision for us while we are in such a dark pit at times. It doesn't mean we have given up or don't believe that God will rescue us. It just means that we have lost our ability for a time to see the possibilities as clearly as everyone else. It's like they are our "seeing-eye dogs"...if you will. Its at these times that I really understand why God created community, why He has brought certain people into our lives at that time and how important it is when we are well to be that for others. It can be a life-line.
I don't know any great medical treatments that will make people well. I don't even know if it has mattered at all at the things I have taken to get well. I don't know why some people heal and others do not. And, I do not think I am more blessed than someone who has not yet received their healing. I myself am not completely well and have far to go. I just know that more than healing...more than riches...more than anything else...God just wants us to be close to Him. To spend time at His feet the way Martha did and choose "the good thing." It is good to be still, to wait and to listen. Even if it is in a dry and weary land. He is there.
Yesterday we had a wonderful 4th of July. I had been praying for awhile that the Lord would give me enough energy this summer to have our home bustling with friends and family again. I just didn't realize it would come so quickly. We had neighbors, old friends, new friends, family...it was filled with so much laughter and lots of praising God for what He has done in our life. It felt good to be surrounded with people who have seen first hand how far I've come in my healing and recognize that it truly was God's touch. I spent the first half of the day cooking and getting everything ready...took my two hour power nap...and then geared up for the rest of the evening that went well past everyone's bed time. The kids and "kids disguised as men" :-) enjoyed setting off a great fireworks show which was extra big this year with the rest of the neighborhood joining it. It was quite a sight.
Healing for me continues to come in waves and in different forms. I still over-do it at times just because I so enjoy the time with my kids and doing fun things with them this summer. And, I try to embrace the set-backs as a reminder that God still wants control of my entire day...not just what I want to give Him. Sometimes our gifts come wrapped in the most unusual ways, don't they? It's having the eyes to see it's God knocking softly at our door and the stillness of heart to hear it. I would love to say I hear Him every time, but the truth is I'm still developing and working on this area of my life. And, probably always will be. It's the desire to get to the point where I can hear His footsteps approaching my door before He ever knocks. Having that intimacy of knowing His shoes from every other sound in my head...
Even as I write this today, I know there are people reading this who are struggling for many different reasons. Some in a similar situation as I am, others with completely different challenges. We all have seasons of being in the wilderness. Just the name alone evokes pictures of rugged terrain, isolation, fear of what's out there that we can't yet see, vulnerability, and loneliness to just name a few. But, also the wilderness can be a place of rest. You cease struggling against everything because you are now in a place that is so completely unfamiliar that you must finally allow God to show you step-by-step the way home. And, during that journey you will sit with Him by the fire to keep warm & safe, talk about all the things that went "wrong" that led you to this place or how you were "unjustly" dropped off out there without your consent. Either way, we have to start seeing Jesus sitting there with us, leading us home. If we change the picture in my minds from us being alone in what ever our circumstances are to realizing that we have the One who created us and loves us more than anyone right there 24/7...it completely changes the outcome of the story. It changes everything. Our time in the wilderness can be either the best thing that has ever happened to us, or it can destroy us. We were made for more than that. God certainly didn't want our purpose to be cut short by a trip to rugged territory...it can be used to prepare us for even greater things. I myself have a hard time with God's word that says that we shall do even greater things than He did. It's hard to imagine that. But, if Jesus said, then it must be true. I pray that every difficulty that comes my way, will be met with belief that my God is a good God. He allows things to come into my life and can take anything broken and battered and make it beautiful again. Even this body that has been through a lot. I realize now how our circumstances can destort the truth because we are so human and struggle so hard to want to understand everything. It was nearly impossible for me to believe at one point that I would ever be well again. I say "nearly" because I did leave a tiny little window for God to do His work in me. But, for many months it was my family and a few Godly friends who kept my vision for me. They would remind me that God had not left me and was holding my hand. We all need someone like that in our life. To hold our vision for us while we are in such a dark pit at times. It doesn't mean we have given up or don't believe that God will rescue us. It just means that we have lost our ability for a time to see the possibilities as clearly as everyone else. It's like they are our "seeing-eye dogs"...if you will. Its at these times that I really understand why God created community, why He has brought certain people into our lives at that time and how important it is when we are well to be that for others. It can be a life-line.
I don't know any great medical treatments that will make people well. I don't even know if it has mattered at all at the things I have taken to get well. I don't know why some people heal and others do not. And, I do not think I am more blessed than someone who has not yet received their healing. I myself am not completely well and have far to go. I just know that more than healing...more than riches...more than anything else...God just wants us to be close to Him. To spend time at His feet the way Martha did and choose "the good thing." It is good to be still, to wait and to listen. Even if it is in a dry and weary land. He is there.
Psalm 91:4 NLT
He will shield you with his wings.
He will shelter you with his feathers.
His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
God is good!!!
Blessings, Tanya
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