"Every person and every nation must take lessons in God's school of adversity. "We can say, 'Blessed is night, for it reveals to us the stars.' In the same way we can say, 'Blessed is sorrow, for it reveals God's comfort.' The floods washed away home and mill, all the poor man had in the world. But as he stood on the scene of his loss, after the water had subsided, brokenhearted and discouraged, he saw something shining in the bank which the waters had washed bare. 'It looks like gold,' he said. It was gold. The flood which had beggared him made him rich. So it is oftentimes in life." H.C. Trumball
I often meditate on the verse, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." (Proverbs 5) It reminds me that everything I see in the natural is always subject to change, and that no matter how hard I try to figure things out, some things are beyond my understanding. When I see adversity or strife, God sees opportunity. When I see loss, God sees gain. When I see certain defeat, God sees great victory. Which is why I must stop looking at things through my own eyes, and through the eyes of the Great I AM.
The kids and I have been talking about Moses and how he lead the Isrealites out of Egypt. It was amazing to me while we were discussing this, how many miraculus signs God gave Moses to use so that Pharoah and the Isrealites would know he was sent by God. And yet, it wasn't enough for Moses. He was still scared and asked to have someone else go. He was still looking in the natural. He wasn't looking with God's eyes and he was leaning on his own understanding. Interestingly enough, God got angry at him, but still was willing to use Moses and allowed him to bring his brother for moral support. Isn't that just like us? Here God is showing him his power and might, giving him all the tools to be successful...and yet Moses still feels better having another human to go on the journey with him. I'm so thankful that even though our faith waivers at times, God has compassion on us and allows us to bring others along while we face our trials and tribulations.
I guess we can be such "big picture" people that when we come up against adversity and sorrow, we immediately want to know how this is all going to go down. How are we going to get through the rest of our lives. But, that's not how God works...not in my life anyway. He already has the big picture figured out and wants me to not worry about it. To trust him with the process. How many times have you watched Oprah or some other show and people are there to share amazing stories that almost always start with an incredibly difficult circumstance? I almost always here the same response as their story unfolds..."I never would have believed this could happen to me in a million years." There's no way in the middle of pain, loss, struggle, or complete discouragement that we have the capacity to ever imagine what God has in store for us.
Psalm 126:5 says, "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." It's the law of sowing and reaping which never fails. When we choose to not give up during times of great trial, and choose to trust God still has a plan for our life, the reward will be great joy. "There is no strength in unbelief." "Has the life of God's people reached the utmost limit of what God can do for them? Surely not! God has new places, and new developments, and new resources. He can do new things, unheard-of things, hidden things! Let us enlarge our hearts and not limit Him. We must desire and believe. We must set our faith on a God of whom men do not know what He hath prepared for them that wait for Him. The Wonder-doing God...must be the God of our confidence." Andrew Murray.
"The Wonder-doing God can surpass all our expectation!!!!"
God is good!
Blessings, Tanya
January 20, 2008
January 17, 2008
January 17, 2008
Proverbs 17: 22
"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."
I find it very fascinating that over the last 10 years, science has been proving what the Bible has been saying all along. "Be careful about what you think about because it can effect your health." I can't tell you the articles and research I've come across while trying to find answers to my own issues that relate to this very topic. There have been books and books and more books written all with the intention of educating us on how to stop worrying, stop being stressed out, stop living in fear, stop running around aimlessly, start living with more intention, start praying and meditating, just start breathing for crying-out-loud.
How about another one? Proverbs 14:30 "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." I never felt like this one really applied to me because by nature I've rarely felt jealous towards someone else. That was until I got sick! Holy Cow! I couldn't believe how angry I would feel at times when I would see mothers in my neighborhood walking by my house with their little ones in tow. "Why can't I be out with MY kids, Lord!", I would find myself muttering under my breath. Later I would realize that my day would be a slow downhill slide from there. Slipping into this pity party and being short with just about anyone who crossed my path that day. I didn't feel like keeping in a constant state of prayer as I would go about my day. It was as if it shut down every avenue to the light that I have. I also noticed how exhausted I became from entertaining these thoughts. Maybe for some people who are healthy, you don't see the immediate effect like I do, but trust me...it is still effecting you. I count this as a blessing for myself now because I don't have the liberty of spending much time on these thoughts since I know now where it will lead me. I pray that when I am fully healthy that I will not forget this message. In fact, someone save this and send it back to me periodically :-).
I'll confess that yesterday when I woke up feeling like someone had slipped something illegal in my water bottle the night before, and I had to get my kids ready for school that being cheerful wasn't on my priority list. Its just so easy to allow circumstances to dictate our day. But, I know now fundamentally to my core, that if I don't work at cultivating joy and cheerfulness then it may never manifest itself that way its intended to. Even at 38 years old, I'm still learning that every day is filled with choices. Unlike my kids, I don't have someone looking at me square in the face telling me, "Look, you can either do this and have this reward, or you can do this and have this consequence, it's up to you." I have to do that for myself every moment of every day.
I was at Whitney's basketball game the other day and another mom was there that I have known for several years. But, we haven't spoken in a while and she sort of cornered me and started telling me about some really severe circumstances that had happened to her and what a miracle had happened in her life. And, it truly was a miracle how this woman had recovered. But, I could tell she was telling me all of this because she knew that I had been having health problems as well and it almost seemed like a competition...who had been through the worst scenario sort of thing. So, when she said, "Hey, I want to hear all about what has been going on with you.", I just politely declined and said that maybe another time we could visit more. The truth is that I am getting better and I didn't want to compare war stories. I want to look forward, not backward. I wanted to be there celebrating my daughter's basketball game. I don't want to drag around my symptoms with me every where I go and "be one with them". I really love sitting in the stands watching Whitney play and sort of melt into the bleachers. Its a time to lay all of this down 100% and put my mind on things that are truly positive. And, I can't tell you how great I feel at the end of her games. Truly the joy that I feel penetrates every cell of my body and I know that it is contributing to my healing. To do these things that mean the most to me has been more healing than any supplement I can put in my body.
So, I guess we can all keep buying book after book, which I probably still will from time to time. But the truth is that everything I need to know is wrapped in one book. And, as long as I make reading my Bible the most read book on my shelf...its just like taking medicine, only more powerful. It can touch me in places that biology books don't even have names for.
I pray that what ever your circumstances are, that you can find joy in some part of your life that will be the spark to light the flame in your heart. It only takes a spark....
God is good!!
Blessings, Tanya
January 14, 2008
January 14, 2008
I can't believe how quickly we are into January already. Time has flown by, the Christmas stuff is put away exept for the lights on the house...that always seems to take us forever to deal with. Other than that, we are getting back to business as usual, sort of :-). It won't feel that way until I'm totally healthy I think.
I have to say that in some areas I continue to see a very slow trend upward. I think back about where I was three months ago and I've definitely made some progress. Other things still cause me concern and I work really hard to not let those things effect my day or my joy. I realize that I have a life-long journey of taking my thoughts captive and cannot afford to have a passive mind. If I'm not paying attention, there are these little subtle thoughts that like to creep back in and say things that are contrary to a healing pathway. It doesn't really matter what journey we are on, or what our circumstances may be. Keeping our thoughts captive, monitoring them like a police officer at a jail cell, is truly the only way we will over come any type of adversity. There is too much out in the world, on t.v., well-meaning people that can snatch our peace away in the blink of an eye. I'm learning how to guard those words that lead me to the light like a bull dog. Unfortunately it takes a lot of practice and sometimes I'm a bit rough in the process. Because its not just my thoughts I have to protect, its my energy. My most precious commodity that must be saved first for myself and then my family. Everything else is just gravy. If I had always practiced this discipline, maybe I wouldn't be in this place...who knows.
It reminds me of a conversation I had with my mom when she went in for her bone marrow transplant. We were talking about the fact that she would have to be completely re-inoculated with all of the same shots that Whitney was getting at just seven months old. Had she lived through the process, she would be starting from scratch at 48. I guess that's how I feel sometimes. I have to start from scratch and rebuild my thoughts, vitality, energy, and strength all over again. I have to learn how to relate to people in such a way that doesn't allow me to get irritated and frustrated (like this weekend at the mall dealing with lazy cashiers). These are energy-stealer's. So, I'm always working hard at not letting these emotions leave me with nothing left to give. Or give myself permission to have a more-than-usual difficult day and to retreat back into hibernation mode so that healing can again be restored.
As I have been contemplating all of this I was also re-reading Henri Nowen's "Return of the Prodigal Son". He says,
"I am not accustomed to rejoicing in things that are small, hidden, and scarcely noticed by the people around me. I am generally ready and prepared to receive bad news, to read about wars, violence, and crimes, and to witness conflict and disarray. I always expect my visitors to talk about their problems and pain, their set backs and disappointments, their depressions and their anguish. Somehow I have become accustomed to living with sadness, and so have lost eyes to see the joy and the ears to hear the gladness that belongs to God and which is to be found in the hidden corners of the world.
The father of the prodigal son gives himself totally to the joy that his returning son brings him. I have to learn from that. I have to learn to steal all the real joy there is to steal and lift it up for others to see.
This is a real discipline. It requires choosing for the light even when there is so much darkness to frighten me, choosing for life even when the forces of death are so visible, and choosing for the truth even when I am surrounded with lies. I am tempted to be so impressed by the obvious sadness of the human condition that I no longer claim the joy manifesting itself in many small but very real ways. The reward of choosing joy is joy itself. There is so much rejection, pain and woundedness among us, but once you choose to claim the joy hidden in the midst of all suffering, life becomes a celebration. Joy never denies sadness, but transforms it to fertile soil for more joy."
I know there isn't anything I could ever say more eloquently than that. He sums it all up and leaves me with an incredible desire to choose joy even in my circumstances. That I am not this "illness", but I can take that which has left me stripped down, discouraged and angry at times, and transform it into something that is organic, alive and filled with life and love. It feels like a daunting task and one that I'm sure to never accomplish perfectly. But, that isn't really the point anyway. Its all about the journey and any amount of joy is better than none at all.
God is good!
Blessings, Tanya
I have to say that in some areas I continue to see a very slow trend upward. I think back about where I was three months ago and I've definitely made some progress. Other things still cause me concern and I work really hard to not let those things effect my day or my joy. I realize that I have a life-long journey of taking my thoughts captive and cannot afford to have a passive mind. If I'm not paying attention, there are these little subtle thoughts that like to creep back in and say things that are contrary to a healing pathway. It doesn't really matter what journey we are on, or what our circumstances may be. Keeping our thoughts captive, monitoring them like a police officer at a jail cell, is truly the only way we will over come any type of adversity. There is too much out in the world, on t.v., well-meaning people that can snatch our peace away in the blink of an eye. I'm learning how to guard those words that lead me to the light like a bull dog. Unfortunately it takes a lot of practice and sometimes I'm a bit rough in the process. Because its not just my thoughts I have to protect, its my energy. My most precious commodity that must be saved first for myself and then my family. Everything else is just gravy. If I had always practiced this discipline, maybe I wouldn't be in this place...who knows.
It reminds me of a conversation I had with my mom when she went in for her bone marrow transplant. We were talking about the fact that she would have to be completely re-inoculated with all of the same shots that Whitney was getting at just seven months old. Had she lived through the process, she would be starting from scratch at 48. I guess that's how I feel sometimes. I have to start from scratch and rebuild my thoughts, vitality, energy, and strength all over again. I have to learn how to relate to people in such a way that doesn't allow me to get irritated and frustrated (like this weekend at the mall dealing with lazy cashiers). These are energy-stealer's. So, I'm always working hard at not letting these emotions leave me with nothing left to give. Or give myself permission to have a more-than-usual difficult day and to retreat back into hibernation mode so that healing can again be restored.
As I have been contemplating all of this I was also re-reading Henri Nowen's "Return of the Prodigal Son". He says,
"I am not accustomed to rejoicing in things that are small, hidden, and scarcely noticed by the people around me. I am generally ready and prepared to receive bad news, to read about wars, violence, and crimes, and to witness conflict and disarray. I always expect my visitors to talk about their problems and pain, their set backs and disappointments, their depressions and their anguish. Somehow I have become accustomed to living with sadness, and so have lost eyes to see the joy and the ears to hear the gladness that belongs to God and which is to be found in the hidden corners of the world.
The father of the prodigal son gives himself totally to the joy that his returning son brings him. I have to learn from that. I have to learn to steal all the real joy there is to steal and lift it up for others to see.
This is a real discipline. It requires choosing for the light even when there is so much darkness to frighten me, choosing for life even when the forces of death are so visible, and choosing for the truth even when I am surrounded with lies. I am tempted to be so impressed by the obvious sadness of the human condition that I no longer claim the joy manifesting itself in many small but very real ways. The reward of choosing joy is joy itself. There is so much rejection, pain and woundedness among us, but once you choose to claim the joy hidden in the midst of all suffering, life becomes a celebration. Joy never denies sadness, but transforms it to fertile soil for more joy."
I know there isn't anything I could ever say more eloquently than that. He sums it all up and leaves me with an incredible desire to choose joy even in my circumstances. That I am not this "illness", but I can take that which has left me stripped down, discouraged and angry at times, and transform it into something that is organic, alive and filled with life and love. It feels like a daunting task and one that I'm sure to never accomplish perfectly. But, that isn't really the point anyway. Its all about the journey and any amount of joy is better than none at all.
God is good!
Blessings, Tanya
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