5 A.M. thoughts

Lord, it's 5 a.m. and I can't sleep. I've been tossing and turning trying to work things out in the usual way. It seems as I get older and my kids get older too...that the "usual way" isn't doing it anymore. I have so many questions that I need the answer to right now. How do I guide my teenage daughter in one of the most pivotal seasons of her life? How do I instill good character into my two younger children and not just "good behavior". It seems as though what worked with one is not working with the others. I feel frustrated and overwhelmed. These last several years of being sick have not just taken a toll on my body, but on my heart as well. They have taken a toll on my family and its a season of trusting that even with everything has happened or not happened that you can make any wrong and turn it into right.

I remember laying in bed not that many months ago wondering what the fall out would be from me not having that daily hands-on guidance with my kids. I remember feeling a sense of reassurance that there will be a time when I can go back and undo all that has been done. But, right now that job feels much more daunting than I realized.

The reality of raising my children in a way that gives them a purpose, a confidence and a strong character seems to feel like a huge mountain that I do not have enough equipment to climb. But, I have seen Your Healing power in my body...I know that You are more than capable of Healing this gaping wound that is keeping me up at an ungodly hour. I give up to You all my rights to who You want my children to be. I trust You with being my bridge between this world and the next where my family is concerned. And, I lay down my own preconceived notions of who I think they should be. I want them to be the people that You had intended. But, show me how to guide them in Your perfect plan and show me how to get out of Your way.

Your word says that "with God all things are possible". Let me always be "With" you so that I can participate in ALL things possible. Life feels so fragile at times and messy and convoluted. But, still in all of it I feel hope and recognize all the beauty that can get lost underneath the daily business of life. Teach me to see Your goodness in my family, in others, in every event that is allowed to touch my heart. Keep it soft and willing. Willing to surrender my own dreams for something that I know is much greater and much more rewarding. Teach my children how to love you with all their heart, strength and might. Do what ever necessary to mold them into the loving beings you created them to be. People who give without needing to receive...people who love unconditionally...people who know their gifts and purpose in this life. Let them be people who lead the way to peace and joy. This I cannot teach them on my own. This is something that must come from You...the Maker of Heaven of and Earth...the Great I AM. The one who came to be the light of the world. Allow your promises and truth that you sent out to us, to not return void and fulfill all that you had intended.

I would give up thousands of hours of sleep to know that my children are safely in Your hands. Give me that peace which passes all understanding so that when they awake this morning I can be all that they need from me. Give me Your strength and Your energy to accomplish that which is necessary and valuable. Protect me from the distractions of the world which are always competing for my attention, and yet have no great value in the bigger scheme of life. Let me make the "BEST" choice for them...not just a "good" choice.

I must confess as I sit here sleep-deprived that there is no place I would rather be than sitting in your presence. I know that coming to the end of myself always means coming to You. Thank you for your graciousness, and mercy to this home which is filled with hope and love for You. Even though we are not perfect, nor do we strive to be...we do long for something sweeter. We desire to make a difference in this world and not just be consumers, but givers. A family with a purpose which can make even the smallest difference in the life of someone discouraged and feeling hopeless. Because we have been there ourselves, let us bring hope to those who sit at your feet at 5 a.m. and say, "God is faithful. He will never leave you nor forsake you."

In Jesus Name,
Amen.

December 1st, 2008

Wow, it doesn't seem possible that it is already the holiday season again. It seems like just yesterday we were hitting the water slides in Spokane and enjoying the sunshine. I guess time goes faster as we get older. Which is why sometimes not having optimal health at 39 causes me great distress. Because I saw my parents smoke and not take great care of themselves, I had determined to live a healthy life which included emotional, spiritual and physical health. So, I'm sure you can understand that as I played sports through college and ran road races, biked many trails, played soccer for a while with my good pal, and continued to lift weights, etc...why I have days when I wake up and think..."this is just crazy that I can't do those things anymore." In fact, Sydney had drawn a picture of our family outside playing basketball, but my picture was of me sitting down in a chair with some very hip sunglasses...God bless her for that little extra accessory. I have to admit though...it really stung. It hit me at that core place of who I had always dreamed of being when I was a mom. Healthy, fit, playing sports with my kids and passing on that great love I have for mixing family and activity. Those were some of my greatest memories with my own family. So, to be portrade in the sitting position felt like a knife in my stomach. Is this how its going to be now?????? Is that what my children will look back and remember from their youth???? Or, is that what I will look back and remember. Rather than seeing what I have given them I have been focusing on what I have NOT been able to give to them.

Life does has a way of changing our course without our permission, doesn't it? Well, is it life, is it us or is it God? I don't know for sure the answer to that. It may be way to lofty for me to get my mind around. But, I do know for sure that my life's course has definitely been altered. For how long, I don't know. There are parts that have been changed in ways I greatly welcome. I do feel a new level of compassion and gratitude that has not always been there. A reaffirmation that standing with each other as we struggle is more fulfilling than doing my own thing. And, I see and feel the healing power Jesus has had in my own life. I know He longs to do more than that in me...and those I am walking with. It's never going to be just about "getting healthy", or what ever your struggle may be...you fill in the blank. It's always about what He is trying to do in us, through us and around us.

There is one thing I have found in my own life as I have gone through this journey and that is even though I have always been a risk-taker, it has only been in areas where I'm confident. So, being sick and taking risks to jump in a van and drive to California to see a doctor I had not even spoken with was just about the end of me. But, I knew that if I kept doing what I was doing then healing may not be mine. So, I wonder what else in my life I keep doing that needs to be put in a van and sent somewhere so that God can come in and make those healing changes? And, it's amazing what I was willing to try to get relief. But, why don't we do that spiritually? Why aren't we willing to do WHATEVER to place God's truth in our heart? To be before Him in total humility so that we can hear His voice? To seek His face and not His hands? To see those we love come into the kingdom with us...and even those we struggle to love? I think part of the answer is that its hard and we are already exhausted by life. It takes work in the beginning to change our thought life, change our old beliefs and lies that have made us feel comfortable. To change our agenda's and how we live out each day. Well, that's my excuse anyway.

But, the truth is there is no other way to other side than going through the Word. To allow it time to do its work in us. God says that His word never returns void...meaning that what He has spoken into being, His promises to us, His warnings to us...they will be fulfilled. That should bring us great encouragement, great hope and great desire to be a part of all He has intended for those who love Him.

I know that as I heal and walk along with others who are also in that same process, that God has not left us nor forsaken us. Our healing journey's all look different from one another, but the end result will still be the same...we will get well, we will proclaim the things that the Lord has done and we will forever be changed in ways that make us grateful for who we've become. There were many seasons I felt sorry for myself and wondered why I had been given so much to bear. Now, I see that those are the things which give me a greater capacity to be the woman of God I long to be. I'm SO not there yet. I do have SUCH a long way to go. But, without the trials to cause me to lean into my Savior, there would be nothing of value to offer anyone. That is not a life worth living.
God is good!
Blessings, Tanya

Waiting to be healed or Waiting on the Healer!

Life always has a way of giving us more than one way to interpret it. We are usually given any number of chances to look at life as victims or victors. It's more than just being a "glass is half-empty" mentality. It's taking that glass filled with any amount of water and seeing how far it will stretch. What are the possibilities with 4 o.z. of H2O.

I was spending a very nice evening with my best friend last night at a coffee shop. We were sharing things in our lives and we discussed the topic of being in really difficult places. The kind of places where you have to stop and analyze every area of your life. Asking questions like, "Have I been doing everything I am supposed to be?" "Am I walking in lock-step with my Creator?" "What should I be doing while I wait for this incredibly painful thing to pass?" Or, "Do I need to make peace with this 'thing' that has been allowed into my life?"

We discussed Paul and his thorn in the flesh from 2nd Corinthians 12:7 "To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me." We pondered that idea. The idea that God would bring something into our lives to keep us humbled and totally dependant upon Him.

I have had people ask me if I am "all the way well yet" and if I worry that I will ever be completely healed. My answer is two-fold. I very much believe my complete healing is coming, but I also know that it cannot come until I am able to handle the responsibilities that come with a strong and healthy body. See, we are all given gifts. We were put here for service. But, its easy to go our own way and do what WE want to do with that strength and energy. I worry about passing that test. Right now I am still forced to rest. And, during those times I lay down in the quiet, it reminds me of how dependent upon God I am for every moment of my day. That every ounce of energy is a gift and needs to be used as such. I know people who are the total "energizer bunny" in its original form. Their lives go on without much more than a little hick-up here and there. But, my question is this..."Are you doing all God has called you to?" "Do you understand that we all must be called into account for the time we spent on this earth?" I have to ask myself these same questions. There are many times I have missed the mark altogether. I've had times of coming close and times of knowing I did exactly what I should have been doing. It's a work in progress.

The point of being in these hard places is really about being put to the test. James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Most of us love the idea of being mature and complete, not lacking anything...how nice does that sound? The reality of that lies in the first part of the verse. We must face some trials...we must be tested. Our faith is not worth anything unchallenged and unrefined. There is no growth to those of us who avoid pain at all cost...trust me...I know this one from experience. Don't get me wrong now. I'm not exactly running towards a burning building or anything. I'm not looking for trails or am enjoying not being fully recovered. I just know that for what ever reason this is where God has me and I don't want to miss the opportunities to take a few more baby steps towards maturity and completeness. I want to walk this earth with humility reminding myself that I have come from ashes and it only takes a moment of arrogance to send me back to that heap. I have to remind myself that perfection lives in heaven and progress belongs here on earth.

Psalm 16:5-11
Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.

I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.

I have set the Lord always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.

You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Many blessings to you who walk through the valley today. Who wonder where God is in all of your circumstances. In your past, present and future He is there standing next to you. He has said, "never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." As we trust and walk forward in faith, know that the thing that seems to have you chained down may be the very thing that God will use to bring about a harvest of righteousness.

God is Good!
Tanya

Relationships - How much they mean...

I've been doing more and more thinking about my friendships these last many years. I think I probably always have given it a lot of thought my whole life. I'm the girl who easily forgave and always had the disease to please no matter how much it hurt. I know many other women who struggle with the same thing. But no matter what, we still long to grow our friendships into healthy long-lasting relationships.

I did a little looking in the Bible to see what God had to say about friendships. Given the fact that He is the creator of the ultimate friend, Jesus, I know that what He has to say will be more accurate than my feelings could ever be.

So here is a list of a few:
Proverbs 16:28 "A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.
Proverbs 17:9 "He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends."
Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times."
Proverbs 18:24 "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
Proverbs 27:6 "Wounds from a close friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses."

And the one I need to learn... Proverbs 12:26 "A righteous man is cautious in friendship..."

I'll step right up to the front of the line and say I have made so many mistakes in the area of friendship. I've withheld information when I should have shared it and I've shared information when I should have withheld it. I've over-invested and under-invested. I've been misunderstood and I have misunderstood others. I have bailed out of friendships that I couldn't handle, and I've had friends bail out on me. I have tried to go back over the years and apologize and set things "right" and tried to go forward and do better the next time.

But, even through all the mess-ups and disappointments and let-downs the one constant is that I still dearly love being in relationship with people. My world feels the happiest when all wheels are turning as they should in my home and in my friendships. I'm the Rodney King of the neighborhood saying, "Can't we all just get along?" Life is painfully short to be at odds with our friends, or with anyone. And, yet it still happens. Someone still says something that stings, or doesn't understand the decisions we have to make in life at times or struggles to help us in our time of need. But, God is still God and He is still the creator of relationships. He created us to be in relationship. That's one of the main reasons of church...fellowship. To be strengthened by one another. And, the truth is that we need healthy relationships to grow.

If there is one lesson these last many years of being sick have taught me is that friends can literally save our lives. The women God has brought into my life now for this season of my life give more to me than they can ever know. And, the whole point of sharing this is that if you feel like your life doesn't impact people...well...somewhere you have believed a lie because we impact each other greatly. I wonder if we have been immobilized on some level by watching these grand reality shows where they come in and make HUGE changes for people what seems like overnight. But, for the rest of us, relationships and life is built one day at a time, one phone call, one card, one quick get-together for a cup of coffee or just stopping by to say "hello". Reminding people that even through the business of all the things we have to do, that someone else matters to us.

I pray that we as women can lift each other up to a higher place, cheer each other on for accomplishments great and small, pray for each other because for some of us we may be the only person praying for our friend. Reminding each other of the gifts God has placed in all of us because the world does a good enough job of trying to tear us apart. Doing our best to not judge, especially based on appearances and remembering we are all one step away from falling from grace.

Healing can take many forms in us and many different journey's. Rarely does it every look the same for each person. To heal a broken heart from a painful relationship is like breathing fresh air into a dank room. To heal one's body also requires healing our hearts from those places where we feel lost, forgotten about or alone. I love the movie "Lilo and Stitch" where they are always talking about "Ohana"..."No one gets left behind." Those of us who are farther ahead on the journey need to reach back and help those who are still making their way. And, to know that no matter how great a friend we are, we can always learn more about how to do it better.

So, thank you to all my friends who have held my hand during this season of my life. For those of you who keep encouraging me along the way to never give up. And, to those friends who have the gift of leading me by your own example I am forever grateful.

God is good!
Blessings, Tanya

TRYING NOT TO COME OUT OF MY SKIN!

That title isn't totally about the election results. Some of it is because this world we are living in doesn't feel good draped around my body at times. I literally feel like I'm shedding layers of skin right now or should I say they are being peeled away. Peeled away is more accurate because its not a pain-free process. The only thing that gives me comfort is that I am not alone in that feeling.

What's eating away at me?

1.) How we handle our time.
2.) What we invest our time, money and thoughts in.
3.) What we are teaching our children about what's REALLY important.
4.) How to get off this train that is headed straight for a mountain that is without a tunnel.
5.) Why can't we talk about these things more????
6.) Being a true light in a very dark world.

I say "we" but I really mean "me".

I just want to start the dialogue with people. Like, "How is your family able to do so many activities where you and your spouse are going in opposite directions all the time and still keeping your marriage and family connection in place?" Or, "Do we see our church as a place to serve us, or a place where we can learn to serve?" I say, "learn to serve", because many people may be serving, but not with their spiritual gifts. Or, it's one more thing they "should be doing". "Is it healthy when our children are trying to "keep up with Johnny on his AWANA badges, or Cub Scout badges" yet missing the whole reason for the exercises. Is there really a heart change happening with our children or are we more interested in them getting great grades and behaving appropriately? Not that there is anything wrong with those things, until we neglect their hearts truly being shaped. Why pump them with Bible verses if we don't teach them how to apply the information in such a way that changes who they fundamentally are...or who we are praying that they become. Does my family really know what our "purpose" is? Do you believe that your family has a purpose? Are we willing to make the sacrifices for the purpose to be realized? Or, is it to inconvenient? Arrrrggg!!!! I'm asking myself these questions every single day right now.

These are all the things I'm asking myself...and have been for many, many years. But, just like everyone else I often feel so exhausted from going against the stream that I just give in and "go with the flow". Often feeling like I'm depriving my children of the great American experience if I say "no" to some things. And, even though I know in my heart that it may not be the best thing for my family.

My friend shared on his blog some six points of what the church needs to be asking itself. One of his questions was this..."Would my neighborhood/city miss our church if it were no longer existing in the neighborhood?" And, my response to that question is with another one..."Would my neighborhood/city/school miss me if I were no longer existing in those areas?...am I taking up space or leaving a footprint? And, that doesn't mean I am chairman of every committee...it means, am I investing in people's lives to such a point that they see Jesus, that they see God's love and has it made their lives better for it? Does it make them get excited in a world where fear is the norm right now? Am I doing that in my home and outside of my home? Do people really know that I love them and care about them or do I spend my time with other just talking about my own problems without listening to theirs? Being a source of hope when so many feel hopeless and powerless. Do I make assumptions about other people's lives without knowing them personally?

Okay, I'll stop there for now. Honestly, I am spinning around with all these thoughts in my head and desperately want to know the answer or be the answer. I don't want to take up space and focus on things that will just fall apart and break down. I want other's to want that same thing. Barak Obama can talk about change all he wants...and he may bring about some good change and some change we didn't want. But, he is not the one who will truly change this country. It's up to each and every one of us individually asking ourselves hard questions, talking to other people about it and seeking solutions to the problems. It's mother's sitting around the table having tea or coffee and saying, "This isn't working for me...or this really works for me." It's dad's chatting at the bus stops and being honest about their own challenges. It's pastors having a clear vision in how to reach out to those who hurting and barely hanging on in their lives...

There's nothing easy about any of these things. And, I don't know if I will fully live up to my own desire to make these things a reality...certainly not in my own strength. But, God says with Him all things are possible and so I have to take Him at his word. If I fail, I will try to get up and start over again...if my friends fail, I pray that I will help pick them up and not look at them with judgement knowing I just dusted off my own knees about an hour ago.

I will try to live by the motto of "Progress, not Perfection" and learn how to take one baby step a day knowing that there is a lot at stake when I give up. Knowing there may be set-backs, but being thankful that God has given me another sunrise to turn that set-back into a celebration.

I pray that you will ask yourself these same questions...dig deep with me because I hate doing this stuff alone. And know that God says "Do not become weary of doing good because in the right time you will receive a reward." I know His rewards are better than any I could receive here on earth. In God we Trust!

God is Good and I mean that!
Blessings, Tanya

People Are Ready for Something Different

I seem to be having a hard time articulating myself lately. Okay, you can laugh about that if you want. I know I can carry on a conversation with a piece of wood given the chance, but I mean to really talk about the stuff going on deep inside. The things I see happening in my home, neighborhood and the entire culture at large. Some things make me feel so great and warm and fuzzy, and other things leave me feeling like I've sat one too many minutes in the meat locker...cold and numb!

Right now I'm reading out of James. When ever I feel stuck and not sure what the Lord is requiring of me right now, I pop open that book and it never fails to give me some great reminders. The basics of life. Its really one of my favorite books because it seems to cover or shall I say "highlight" all the areas of my life that are in constant need of rehabilitation :-). Yep, I'm a rehaber! I always need reminding that in this world I will have trials and temptations...that I don't want to be THAT man in the mirror who looks at himself and then walks away promptly forgetting what he looks like...To NEVER play favorites (that's a good one in suburbia)...that its no good to have faith without deeds, why bother really...Taming the tongue is hard to do but imperative...That wisdom is first of all pure, then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere...That I need to submit myself to God daily so that I will not find myself at odds with those around me because of needing to have my own way....Boasting about tomorrow is a huge no-no....That with money comes much responsibility...To be patient in suffering...To be a woman of confession... and the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. Whew!!!! If God where to write only one book to give to us, this would be a handful all by itself.

I've been truly wanting to understand what God is expecting from me. How I can make the most of time here on earth to fulfill the purposes He has for me and my family. As my body begins to heal, my heart seems to get more soft. I see how badly we are all in need of a Savior and not one of us will get off this planet without pain and loss in our life. How desperately everyone is in need of feeling loved by something bigger than a human heart. And, to feel like they have NOT been abandoned during their most crucial hour. I know God has many ways of doing this...sometimes its through supporting each other, sometimes its just through God's peace that surpasses all understanding. But, as I begin to brush shoulders with more and more people again, I can't help but feel so struck by the emptiness in people's eyes. The eyes are certainly a window to the soul and more than one person has told me that I have that "sparkle" back in my own. When I really take the time to look into someones soul, even though it may be hard to do, I realize that God does the same thing to me every day. He looks at those places I don't want anyone to see. It's too painful to let anyone in there. But, its in letting each other in, being honest and vulnerable, allowing God to touch those places we work so hard to hide...that we begin to get that "sparkle" back. We're able to have the energy and strength to pass that on to others. By sharing the truth of God's love, and believing in His power, walking it out with faith and deeds, not blessing and cursing with the same mouth, confessing our sins one to another, and allowing our trials to not only touch us...but to touch others. That's revival my friend. That's how people get off the roller coaster of pain and loneliness and then go out into the world to share the good news. The bible says in Isaiah 42: 6-7 "I the Lord, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open eyes that are blind, to free the captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness." That's who Jesus is for us, and that's what we need to let people know who are captive and sitting alone in darkness. That there is an abundant life available and it looks different for everyone. Knowing we have a God who cares about our every need.

I pray that in our busy lives we stop and remind ourselves what God is expecting of us. That's what I'm doing for myself right now. As we encounter those who seem to enjoy their place in this world rather than their time here, let's turn a heart filled with love to them. Let's not allow ourselves to chase after an empty existence, and remember that we were created for so much more! But, the only way to achieve this, I believe, is to be filled with the Creator.

God is good!!!
Blessings, Tanya

Getting Ready to Gear Down!

Every time I think things are going to calm down, I get an e-mail, or a phone call of someone wanting something lately. Not that I mind, except that it's time to go back to the medicinal drawing board and deal with some stuff and I'm having a hard time clearing my calendar. Next week is going to particularly busy and so I'm looking at it as my last big push until after the holidays.

This summer and fall has been nice because I decided to take a doctor-break and not go so hard with the treatments. I've been sort of dipping my toes in the water which is keeping me afloat. But, reality is here and I know that unless I really get serious this may drag on for quite a while. So, I'm starting to give everyone the heads-up that I may be going underground for the first three weeks of November. I'm hoping that by doing so, it will give me some more ground before the holidays. It would be nice to have a bit more stamina and energy before its that time again.

I am still having a hard time articulating my needs to people these days, and not pushing myself too hard. I know I look better and of course I feel better. But, its hard to detect just from seeing me when I have hit the wall and need to pull back. I think my husband is the only one who has mastered the signs which show that the battery pack just ran out of juice. I've spent my whole life making sure I didn't need anyone's help, and that I was quite fine thank you very much. Now that my limits are much tighter I do find myself needing help but not sure what kind of help. I am still saying "yes" to many things that I don't necessarily enjoy doing and don't really have the band-width for. Please don't read too much into this. If you have known me for a while then this doesn't apply to you. This only applies to people that I don't know very well and don't understand my situation. I still have this need to appear "normal" and put together to the outside world of strangers which is really ridiculous if you think about it. What do they care anyway?

So, my goals for the first three weeks of November are to keep those weeks clear of any extra stuff...up my meds considerably to see if I can finally put a dent in this candida...get more rest, write more and just keep things in better balance. Hey, that sounds like something I should be doing all the time :-). Maybe I can just keep rolling with that agenda for the rest of the year and see if it helps me make some bigger strides. We'll see.

God is good!!
Blessings, Tanya

Catching Up

I feel like I've been neglecting a part of myself by not updating this blog as often as I used to. It makes me sad and I realize how easily we are swept back into the business of life. Something I promised myself I would not do again if it all possible. On the upside I am reconnecting with old friends and making new ones, something I was missing for such a long time.

The current health update is that I continue to do better. Small and steady steps which I know is a good thing. It will never come quick enough, but it keeps me practicing patience as much as this impatient person can handle. And, it reminds me that I'm still walking around on that glass foundation which has the possibility of cracking at any time if I'm not diligent with my energy.

I'm starting to add more foods back into the diet, still keeping it pretty organic and as clean as possible. I've found that I can handle a few more carbs than before and some spices which is heavenly!!! One of my NP's introduced me to Kombucha Tea a while ago and am adding more of that during the week when I can. Its expensive so I usually get only a couple bottles a week. I find it at Whole Foods and Central Market so far. Not yet at Fred Meyer but I'm hopeful at some point it will be there too. Most everyday during the week I take Buddy-the-dog to run at a local school and I walk a couple laps while he chases birds. I hope to be up to four laps by spring. This will be a big improvement and go a long way to helping me increase my over all stamina. Still taking baby steps in this area. I'll have another saliva test done in February to check on the progress of my adrenals. I am totally believing this will show some great improvement this time around.

My hair is still falling out and I'm not sure if its an iron deficiency, an absorption issue or if my thyroid still isn't functioning at 100%. It's so hard to sort this stuff out because there are many symptoms that can overlap. It feels like this puzzle that is 80% put together but there are about 4 edge pieces and a few center pieces still missing. I keep going back looking under the couch and chairs and every place that I've been already hoping to find the last remaining parts. I know there's an answer to the rest of this puzzle, but I'm waiting on God to show me as I take each step.

In the meantime, while I wait for the answers to those questions, I also wait for answers to other questions. I wonder if I'm keeping myself "open" enough to hear what this next phase of life has for me & my family. I still have those lists in my head of things I had hoped to be doing by this time in my life. Now I'm not so sure if they are things that would truly add to my joy here on earth. The slate still feels like it has been wiped clean and honestly I'm scared to write the first thing on there again. I want it all to count. But, not be held hostage by it either. In the past I spent so much energy on things without a lot of thought and prayer (even though I felt like I was being thoughtful). The results were less than desirable and left me very drained. I don't have that luxury anymore. Not to mention I would rather not run myself into the ground again. If I haven't been given a wake-up call then I don't know what would qualify as one.

I think a lot about this financial crisis going on right now and it feels like what I just went through. My bottom kept falling and falling with only slight corrections. Not enough to stop the damage. As I was talking with a friend about that he reminded me of a verse in Hebrews 12:26 which says, "At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, 'Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.' The words 'once more' indicate the removing of what can be shaken--that is, created things--so that what cannot be shaken may remain." I feel like God already did that too me so the financial crisis probably doesn't freak me out as much as some people. It really is like having someone turn you upside down and shake all the change out of your pocket until they are convinced there is nothing left. I hope that at some point I will finally see the fruit of all this sifting, but today it just doesn't quite feel that way. Maybe tomorrow :-)...because even after everything I still have so much hope and am hanging on to God's word the best way I know how. I have more joy than I thought a person could have in these circumstances and gratitude...well...let's just say that I'm still thanking God every time I can go to the grocery store and push a cart around with out feeling like I'm going to the ground after 10 minutes. I hope that I never lose that...and always remember that we are all one step away from having it all ripped away. So, we better have something of substance to hold on to now so that when the trouble comes as Jesus says it will...we don't have to run around scared. We know that what will keep us intact is something that transcends earth and lives forever. For that lesson, and this season of sifting...I give thanks.

God is good!
Blessings, Tanya

Milk Thistle & Oil of Oregano

I'm resending out my blog address again because some people have been asking about supplements that I'm taking and things I've done to get well. So, just to get started here are a couple things that are contributing to my health right now. PLEASE CHECK WITH YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANYTHING NEW. I'M NOT A DOCTOR, I'M JUST SHARING INFORMATION...:-). Oh, and regardless of what dosage I may list, please remember to always start slowly. Maybe not as slowly as I have but I would not recommend ever starting with the "recommended dosage" on the label...GO SLOW. Only add in one supplement at a time even if its more Vitamin C, or Magnesium. These seem benign but they are powerful medicine just the same.

1. Milk Thistle: I started using this because my liver enzymes on my blood work were coming back elevated out of the normal range...basically it was malfuntioning and congested with detoxing too quickly and probably from years of taking over-the-counter medications for allergies and antibiotic use as well. After using about 12 drops a day I started having less issues to environmental sensitivities and was able to tolerate more healthy supplements again. Here is a quick run down.

In regards to liver function, milk thistle has the ability to stimulate the flow of bile from the liver. It is this bile stimulation that is believed to account for the effectiveness of milk thistle in treating ailments of the liver and aiding digestion.
Modern research into the properties of milk thistleModern studies have backed up the findings of these ancient doctors and have substantiated the fact that milk thistle does indeed help to protect the liver from damage, and even has the ability to heal damage that has already been done. In Europe today, many doctors consider milk thistle a preferred treatment for liver disorders, ranging from cirrhosis to hepatitis.
Milk thistle appears throughout the world, including many parts of North America, both as cultivated plants and wild varieties. Many scientific sources will refer to milk thistle by its scientific name, which is silybum marianum, or by its active compounds, known collectively as silymarin. There are concentrated stores of silymarni found in the black fruit of the plant, which are typically harvested at the end of summer.
Other uses of milk thistleMilk thistle is most closely associated with treating ailments of the liver and digestive system, but it has shown promise in treating a number of other ailments as well. These include gallstones, high cholesterol, allergies, and even skin cancer. Milk thistle is known to be a powerful antioxidant, and it's those antioxidant properties which may be responsible for the protective and healing effects of the herb.

You can get this at any Whole Foods Market or Fred Meyer.

2. Oil of Oregano: Brand that I use "Biotics Research Group" and its called A.D.P. Women, if you take iron supplements, you may need to increase this as Oil of Oregano can interfer with its absorption. I take this because I have two types of candida showing twice the normal levels in my body right now. So, I'm using it as an anti-fungal. Candida is a huge issue for many Americans because of antibiotic overuse, a diet high in carbs and sugars, and also from stress. There are other reasons for systemic yeast infection but these are the most common. Here is a link to some information if you think you may be struggling with candida:

www.wholeapproach.com/symptoms.html


Oil of oregano is made by pressing the leaves of the herb oregano to extract the oil from it. Oregano is a highly aromatic member of the mint family that only grows in the Mediterranean. It is, of course, a staple of Mediterranean cooking, though the common spice found on most kitchen shelves is usually not the pure Mediterranean oregano that can be used therapeutically.
Pure oregano is a very potent spice that has been used medicinally since ancient Grecian times. When properly extracted from the leaves of the herb, oil of oregano has antiseptic properties that make it an excellent natural remedy for fighting bacteria and viruses, including staphylococcus and the flu virus.

It is also an immune system enhancer that can help the body build its own natural defenses against infection and disease. Fungal infections, including candida albicans, the yeast that often grows out of control in the gut, can also be treated with oil of oregano. Further, travelers have reported using oil of oregano to prevent infections from giardia and parasites in water.

The oil also has analgesic properties. All of the therapeutic effects of oil of oregano are due to the presence of the active ingredient carvacrol. In order to benefit from a particular preparation of oregano oil, it must have a sufficient amount of the active ingredient.

Oil of oregano is one of many essential oils - that is, oils that are naturally extracted from a plant. Like all essential oils, there are a variety of ways to use oil of oregano in order to get therapeutic effects from it. To prevent or fight infections, it can be taken internally by adding a few drops to a glass of water or other beverage or putting a few drops on a piece of bread. Three drops up to three times per day is enough to help ward off colds and flu.

A few drops of oregano oil in water can also be used as a gargle to treat throat infections. People who do not like the taste of oregano can take the oil in capsule form. Oil of oregano also be applied topically to treat skin conditions such as fungal infections and insect bites as well as to relieve pain. Studies show that oil of oregano may be more effective than anti-inflammatory medications in alleviating pain from arthritis and carpal tunnel syndrome.
It is very important that oil used topically is properly diluted since pure oil of oregano can burn the skin. If the oil does not come in a diluted preparation, it can be mixed with vegetable oil before applying it to the skin. One part oil of oregano to four parts vegetable oil is often recommended.
Another way to use oil of oregano therapeutically is to simply inhale it. This method may be particularly effective in cases of sinus congestion from colds and flu. The oil can be placed in a diffuser made specifically for dispersing essential oils. Be sure to follow the directions that come with the diffuser to avoid burns or injury.

LET ME KNOW IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THESE TWO SUPPLEMENTS.
IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN WORKING WITH A VERY GOOD NATURPATHIC DOCTOR, I AM CURRENTLY SEEING DR. CHRISTINE HINCHCLIFFE FROM THE TAHOMA CLINIC IN RENTON. DR. WRIGHT WHO STARTED THE CLINIC IS INTERNATIONALLY KNOWN IN DEALING WITH CHRONIC ILLNESSES SUCH AS FIBROMYALGIA AND FATIGUE, AND CFS. THE DOCTORS ALSO WORK ON YOUR CASE WITH OTHER DOCTORS AT THE CLINIC SO THAT THERE ARE MORE THAN ONE SET OF EYES LOOKING AT THE SITUATION.

http://www.tahoma-clinic.com/

Blessings, Tanya

THE HEART OF THE MATTER

Recently I have shared with some friends how I am seeing some of the "fall-out" from being sick these past many years. It has manifested itself in many different ways and at times I think how will I ever regain these lost years with my kids? And, its not like I'm suddenly working from a place of full-capacity. It's sort of like being in the middle of a tornado for all these years and just keeping your head down to survive the storm, but when it gets farther and farther away and you look up...everything seems a bit unrecognizable. I was joking with someone the other day about how you need a support group when your sick and then another one when you start to get well because picking up the pieces can feel so overwhelming. I once heard a doctor talking about what happens to patients who have ADHD. She said these people can be going all the time, struggle with organization and all of these issues and then they may receive treatment and suddenly look around and feel so overwhelmed by all the mess they have been living with. It's like putting on a new pair of glasses and seeing clearly for the first time. Well, that's sort of how I feel right now.

It certainly is a good problem to have from the respect that I am well enough to see these things. There aren't words to express my gratitude every day and the desire to make every minute count since getting my life back no matter what it looks like. Trying to remember that things don't have to be that complicated, or busy, or hectic. I found there is no badge given out in heaven for spending our days on earth over-stretched, and exhausted and unable to do the things that really matter. I see my closets totally disorganized from several years of neglect and it feels like a representation of how I feel internally sometimes. Part of me wants to take the whole house apart and put it back together while my kids entertain themselves. But, you know what??? I can't do that anymore. I've already lost too much time laying in this bed while someone else was taking them to the park. Our time with them is so short and anyone with a teenager will tell you the same thing...it all goes too quickly.

Right now I'm doing a study based on the book "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp. He makes some really great points in this book that always reminds me what's most important. As I perseverate on the chaos of a house in much need of attention I sit down to read this book and slowly I am directed not only to caring for my child's heart but making sure I'm caring for my own. I can't help them if my own state is all jumbled up. And, regardless of how I feel physically, every day they go to school and someone is helping them form new thoughts, new ideas and shaping them on some level. So, when they get home I need to make my time count. I want my voice and my direction that hopefully has been soaked in God's word and God's direction prior to that time, to be the most influential.

Tedd Tripp reminds us of Proverbs 4:23 that "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the well spring of life." Basically saying, "The heart determines the behavior. What you say and do expresses the orientation of your heart." After reading through all of that the other day I was so overcome with the reality of not only teaching my children "good behavior", but how to have a good and healthy heart. And, if I don't know how to show love for others and my heart isn't right...how can I teach my children. It's more than just being a "good person" which we have all heard people say. It's helping them find a heart of flesh rather than stone (Ezekiel 36:27) which according to scripture comes from God. So, as I have been seeing things more clearly...the messy closets, the need for a stricter bed time schedule, etc...I also see much more clearly how desperately my kids need a mom and dad who can help them live their life with a heart filled up with love and compassion for others. To let their behavior not just be "good" because I don't want to be embarrassed by something they do that's crazy. But, that their behavior would reflect what's truly in their heart. A love for God and His people. An overflow from what's being put into them which would be something that would have eternal value. It feels like such a daunting task but one we are all called to. I guess I have more to do than just cleaning my "closets".

God is good!!
Blessings, Tanya

(Shepherding a Child's Heart, Tedd Trip, @1995, pg 3)

September 8, 2008

It's been a busy several weeks getting everyone ready for school, starting school, and now adjusting to school :-). I think everyone got their haircuts, a few new outfits and a shiny lunch box to kick off the year. So far, so good.

As for me...well...I'm still feeling my way around this new schedule. I have to remind myself that my job during the day is healing but it feels so lame to actually do. I'm a girl who likes to have something to show for my day...the laundry done, the bathrooms cleaned and floor vacuumed...maybe a batch of cookies and dinner on the stove. Gosh, that sounds a little 1950-ish but I'm not apologizing...I'm just saying its hard to be still and do all the things necessary to allow my body to do its job of healing. Every once in a while I feel like I'm not getting any better and then someone out of the blue will remind me that I am doing something that I couldn't do even six months ago. That helps keep things in perspective but I wish I could keep it all the time. I certainly am able to accomplish some practical things around the house and run errands, take the kids here and there so there's no complaining here. To the outside world though it can seem like I'm really not doing anything. That's what I have to protect myself from...comparing myself to other mom's who's kids are in school all day. Friends that are returning to work again, going back to school or taking on more volunteer activities are all around me. I wonder sometimes if I'll ever be able to contribute to the world that way again. In my heart I believe I will, but I also know that it is a work in progress. This is not a sprint to the finish line, it's definitely a marathon. Which sounds so good when you write it out, but a whole other story to walk it out. I can't tell you how frustrated I get at times when the fatigue just washes over me and causes me to drop everything I'm doing and head back to bed. But, if I relent and actually rest then I know that another window of energy is hopefully right around the corner. Always being stretched in my faith that there will be more steps forward and less backwards keeps me on my knees for sure. And, learning how to let God's strength cover all of my weaknesses is just one more area I need more than one lesson in.

In everything that has happened, I have always felt that I have been given an exceptional life for what ever reason. Not because I have done anything great or things have come easy to me...all to the contrary. I just know that since making a decision to follow Christ as a 16 year-old on the brink of utter despair, God has faithfully lead me to places that I never thought possible with my heart. I know I will look back on all of this and continue to glean as much in the future as I do right now because in God's economy He never wastes a thing. For now I'll be taking it one moment at a time and pray for wisdom as I keep stepping forward.

God is sooooo Good!
Blessings, Tanya

August 27th, 2008

Sorry that's its been so long since I've last updated. Seems as though the summer has just flown by and now its time for school preparations, physicals and fall house projects. I'm definitely doing a lot of things last minute this year. For no good reason really, other than I am trying to squeeze every last minute of the non-structured time with my family that I can. We've been having some lazy days lately, and we have thrown in there the occasional crazy outing. Like renting two golf carts and taking the entire family out for 9 rounds after church one Sunday. Even though we had to let several groups "play through", we still had such a fun time. It feels as though we just don't get enough of those times together during the winter.

The last couple days we've been getting Whitney registered for school and had a chance to walk around her new high school. Wow, its so beautiful and big. She was getting so excited as we looked in the classrooms and checked out the gymnasium which I know will be the place where most of our time will be spent over the next three years :-). So, once that was done then we have been getting her signed up for driver's education class as well. That's just a warning for anyone driving around our area...lol!! I am looking forward to her having her license next year though since I've been doing a lot of trips to the golf courses, and other "errands" that teenagers require.

Of course, we've been enjoying "Junior" the guinea pig as well. He and Spencer are two peas in a pod. It seems as though we all have been pleasantly surprised at what fun pets they can make. For Spencer, though, it has been such a blessing to have something of his own to dote on and care for. He really has a nurturing spirit that needed a full-time outlet.

Sydney is looking forward to her 8th birthday and also starting tennis lessons. She has been asking us for a couple years and so finally I relented. Its one of those activities that I really wanted to be sure she was super interested before going out and buying a new tennis racket. We'll see how this goes.

I've been feeling okay. A bit better than when I last wrote, except for an on-going cough issue that will hopefully resolve soon. I do feel like maybe I over-did it a bit this summer with activities. It was so nice to have some energy to be up and about with the kids but it wasn't always immediately apparent that I was pushing myself to much. I've been trying to do a better job at getting more rest again, but I think its just going to be difficult until the kids get back to school again.

I also had another doctor's appointment to discuss the results of my candida levels. They showed two different types of candida in my system that were twice the levels of what they should be. No surprise there, but it was more about where to go from here. I have recently started the first round of treatment but at only at 1/3 the total dose that I need to be at. So far so good though. It's always my first goal just to be able to tolerate the supplement at all, and then after that to start working upward from there.

One thing I will be doing soon on the blog is listing all my supplements that I am taking and also more information about my doctors. I have spoken with many people who have not been feeling well or had the energy levels they feel they should and have asked me what I've been doing to heal. Not all things will be appropriate for everyone and definitely should be considered with the help of one's doctor. But, I do feel like there are certain things that God intended for our bodies to have on a regular basis that we may not be getting due to the types of foods we are eating or not eating. These are things that can definitely improve our ability to stay healthy and lead lives filled with energy. Dragging around and feeling exhausted all the time is not normal. So, this may take me a bit to organize and get up here, but hopefully it will provide some really helpful information.

I can never get through my blog without giving God the glory for what He has done in me, with my health and with my family. It's always a work in progress and I am always the first to say that I have so much to learn. Sometimes it seems like God's plans and His truth are simple and easy to follow and sometimes it feels like I don't understand what He is trying to do. It always just comes down to waiting...waiting to see what His plan is, and how I fit into that plan. And while I wait I will continue to give thanks because I certainly do know that I have much to be thankful for.

God is good!!!!
Blessings, Tanya

Walking by Faith

For my 8th grade graduation a very dear friend of mine gave me my first journal. I still have it sitting in a dusty box up in my closet that I haul down from its perch every so often. Actually, in the box there are at least six journals that I have gathered over time. Its fun to go through them and remember the dreams I was so filled up with. The excitement of all the different stages I was going through and also some of the disappointments. As I've gotten older it reminds me how easy it is to dream and plan, but how painful it is when things do not seem to be turning out according to what we had in our mind. Since it is now the Summer Olympics, it certainly goes to show how powerful our dreams can be as we can see by these amazing athletes. Most of their stories started with a dream when they were very young and are now realizing them for the first time...or for the 4th time as Dara Torres at 41 tries to do something no other woman her age as done before. Those are incredible dreams.

I certainly had similar dreams as a kid, although it didn't take long for me to realize that my olympic chances were pretty slim :-). But, one thing I did dream about and that was being a great mom. Maybe because my mom worked so much and had so little left over to give, or maybe because I just came wired that way...I can't say for sure. It's probably a little bit of both. Either way, it was something I had been figuring out, planning for, dreaming about and knew exactly the way I wanted it to all go down. I was going to stay at home with my kids as much as possible, read books to them from day one, teach them to play basketball and every other sport I enjoyed doing, showing them a great example in a married relationship, let them know how loved they were and most importantly teach them about Jesus. What was NOT a part of my dreams was going through a divorce at 27, losing my own mother at 24, and now dealing with a long term illness. I did not realize how powerful my own dreams were until a little at a time things changed.

As time went by it was easy to feel defeated, confused...asking God "Why" all the time. "Why is this happening?" This was not part of the "deal". Well, its been 14 years and 8 months since my mom past away and I still don't have an answer for that. It's been 12 years since my divorce and again, God has not told me "why" yet. So, this morning as my family was leaving for church and I was choking back the tears saying goodbye to my husband, I was also saying, "Why?, This just doesn't make sense to me...this illness, my lack of being able to do these things can't be good for this family. Doesn't God want us to go to church as a family? Doesn't He want me to be able to be a great stay-at-home mom?" As I'm asking these questions I already know that I am not going to get my answers. At least not on this side of heaven.

As I sit here in the quiet God begins to speak to me through my devotional, through my worship time, through the silence. There are just things that we must surrender in order to wait in faith. I have to give up my ideal scenario of what "things" I should be doing with my family, and focus on "who" I am to my family and who God created me to be. I've been given a great opportunity to intercede regularly for my kids and my husband. To learn to be patient and trust that God is with me even though sometimes this life just doesn't make sense. It's what having faith is all about I guess. With out the darkness we cannot learn to walk by faith. Without sorrow and pain, we cannot learn to lean in on our Savior and experience His fullness. We are not meant to live a "comfortable" life. I don't believe we were created for that. But, there are times when we need shelter from the storm and rest from this long journey towards Home. I am confident that He will provide that very need. "The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." That's really all I need to know. Or at least I thought it was until I read this: Philippians 3:7-8 says, "But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ..."

As I consider the depth of that statement from Paul, I think about how Jesus made the choice to wait when the news came to him regarding Lazarus's illness. He knew that by waiting his friend would die and cause all of his friends incredible grief. I know He didn't do that to be mean. Jesus clearly had a purpose for their pain and used it to show the glory of the Lord. If losing my identity as being a particular way as a mother, or not being able to do those things that I love to do, staying behind at times while my family goes to church...I have to believe that those losses really mean gaining something in Christ. And that would certaily be worth all of this heartache. I may not see it in this life time (although I still pray I do), but I will see it in heaven. I must now some how take hold of this truth and run the race that's been set before me...without complaining...without fear...without knowing the whole plan...and WITH much rejoicing. The only thing left is...Feet...please don't fail me now :-)!!

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=dgeMHHbFslk Third Day...Mountain of God
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=1VuADesfPqI Salvador Aware
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=Zk2K3RCxMBk Robby Seay Band "Song of Hope"

God is Good!!!
Blessings, Tanya

August 4, 2008

How about all this sunshine? Holy cow, I'm loving this because I can actually sit outside and get some color for once. I'm working hard at erasing the pasty-white look that I've sported for quite some time. It feels good to enjoy the basic things with everyone else, although I've hit quite a bump in the road since being back from my trip. I wish I could shake this fatigue and resume at least where I was prior to traveling. I guess it just goes to show that our foundations are pretty shaky sometimes. While on vacation I think it allowed me to sort of pretend I didn't have the issues that I do and behave somewhat normally. Now that reality has struck again it feels like I'm starting over in a sense.

Its hard to explain to people the cycles that a person goes through when life doesn't seem to be heading in the direction we had thought it would. I guess everyone handles things differently, even as Christians. There can sometimes be this sense that if you have faith in God that we should never feel disappointed, scared, frustrated or discouraged. But, what I've found for myself is that when I try to push those feelings aside and just keep "praising God", it only makes things worse. It truly is like brushing them under the rug. When I finally come to the end of myself with these feelings shoving their way back to the front, then I know I have to deal with them. Truly I just don't want to. I want to be this person who embraces adversity with such strength, hope and trust that these things don't phase me. It sounds so strong and spiritual, doesn't it? My truth is that I'm just not that strong. I'm not always moving through my life with that kind of attitude. The rest of my truth, though, is that when I admit where I'm at and stop trying to grind my way through, I FINALLY do get to that place of trusting God and believing that all things are being worked out in my behalf.

So, lately I've been asking myself some pretty difficult questions...well...difficult for me I guess. Like, "Should I really be believing for a complete recovery?", "Should I just settle for where I'm at and let go of the rest?" The weak part of me wants to answer "YES" to all of those kinds of questions. But, the part of me that believes God is more than capable and willing to answer my prayers in regards to this matter based on scripture...that part of me continues to talk louder than everything else. I feel like if I stop believing for my healing, or for whatever I have laid at the throne of God, then I have given up. I have given up too soon. As long as we have breath, then we have hope. I think about how Moses did so much and gave so much to help Israel reach the promise land. And, even though he was not allowed to enter...he still kept marching on. I wonder how much it grieved him that the decisions he made caused him to miss out on God's promise. It makes me more afraid NOT to believe God than to believe Him and be disappointed. I don't want to miss out on anything God has for me and my family. I don't want to be cut short of my promise land...to only walk up the mountain and see it from afar the way Moses did. My heart always aches for him when I read that part of scripture.

Well, right now I'm working through my cycle...I've pushed the feelings aside for a while, I've decided to finally deal with them, I've asked some hard questions, and now I'm answering them with faith and hope and trust. Because I've had times in my life where I've tried to answer them from my own world point of view and it never left me with any hope at all. My joy will be complete to get through this journey and prove God true so that others going through something similar or heaven-forbid, something much worse will know they have a loving God holding their hand.

God is good!
Blessings, Tanya

Rest stops, water parks & dehydration...July 31, 2008

Time flies when you are having fun and not laying in bed watching the second hand make its way around the clock. This summer is cruising by and I can tell by the date of my last entry I'm having way too much fun out in the sun. Well, as much fun as a girl can with a sluggish thyroid and minimal cortisol levels :-). But, here I am again. Back to document the latest part of this journey which always has more twists and turns than I know what to do with. It just goes to show what a waste of time it is to sit and worry about things or try to plan every detail because God always has something else in mind.

We spent a week over in Eastern Washington visiting my brother and his family, my awesome cousin Heidi and then took a 12 hour drive to "drop in" to a family reunion. That last part wasn't really well thought out...but nevertheless...we did it anyway.

The first day in Spokane my brother had offered to have Whitney come to his job and meet some of the Advertising employees . They were so great. He set up times for her to meet with several people who gave her great ideas for colleges she should consider and the importance of focusing in on one specific area down the road. She is considering digital design as a future career which seems to suit her creative nature very well. I thought that was so great of my brother to invest in her that way. Way cool. Thanks bro'. Later that night we had dinner with his family and it was a big "Cousin Fest". Everyone getting caught up and getting right into some Polly Pocket play time, riding four-wheelers and other fun games.

The next day Bob and I watched all eight kids...(Yes, eight kids between my kids and his kids)...while my brother and his wife took Whitney to play nine holes of golf. It was nice to be able to give my brother that time out with his wife and also for Whitney to sneak in some practice time. The rest of the day was getting caught up with more family and then back to our hotel for some R&R. The following day we spent with my cousin Heidi at the water park in Spokane. What great fun the kids had. It was more "Cousin Fest" with her two kids and my cousin Mike's son. I was in heaven getting caught up with Heidi and having some serious girl time. I miss her terribly as she is more like a sister to me than a cousin. I do wish we lived closer so that we could raise our kids together and enjoy more time hanging out. When I'm with Heidi and her family, I laugh so hard. Its like such a burst of joy and some of the most serious belly laughing that I've ever experienced. I left feeling so refreshed and couldn't believe how well I felt that day. I was shaking my head, like, "Wow, how could this be?"

The next day we met up with my brother and his family and started our 14 hour day to Pocatello, Idaho. The drive there wasn't bad until we arrived at the hotel. I got some food poisoning and spent part of the evening praying to the "Porcelain god". It was pretty miserable. But, I was so thankful it didn't hit me until we got to the hotel. I can't imagine sitting in a van and having to go through all of that. God was very merciful :-). Luckily I felt well enough to go to the reunion the next day and had some nice conversations with my grandma's three sisters. Unfortunately, my grandma is in Chile living out her final days so she was unable to make it. But, it was important to me to go make those connections even though it may be for the last time. I heard some very funny stories about my mom as a teenager which I'm not sure she would have been so happy for me to hear about. Well, for me, I just soaked it all in because nothing brings me greater joy than watching people light up as they tell stories about my mom and her crazy antics. She was truly an amazing woman. Anyway, we packed up one last time and headed out the next morning at 7:30 a.m. and finally arrived back to Seattle by 9:00 p.m. What a haul. We were all ready to be home and in our beds again.

I was incredibly surprised at how well I did on this trip. The biggest challenge I had was staying hydrated. Part of it was that I didn't want to hold up the driving progress by hitting all those fun rest stops for pee breaks, but the other part was just going from this cool climate over to a much drier air. I know that some of the signs of dehydration are pretty obvious...thirst, dry lips, fatigue, crankiness...all very fun when combined with a full car of kids and nothing but prairie land stretched out in front of you. Which made me think about the fact that I also started to feel spiritually dehydrated. Being on the road for seven days was great and I loved every minute with my family. But, trying to reverse the signs of the spiritual drought proved to be much more difficult than one would think. I was missing my bedroom...my place of refuge that allows me that time to reflect on things that are working and work on those things that aren't. To listen and just be still is something I've taken for granted with being in bed these last couple years. I found myself feeling frustrated at times that there was no place for me to steal away and be alone.

Since being home I felt this instant exhaustion overwhelm me. It once again begs the question, "Is this house making me sick...or is this climate making me sick...or did I just over do it and not realize it?" I don't have those answers and have been too tired to even care. Today was actually the first day I felt like some small return of energy and desire to even try to get out of bed. It's also the first day that I have been able to really press into God and find out what I've been missing this last couple weeks. The feedback was interesting and showed how deep my dehydration has been. I've read that once you feel thirsty that dehydration has already set in. So, its happening before you even physically realize it. I think that happens to us spiritually too. It makes me wonder what areas I'm neglecting and causing harm to my growth without even realizing it. I started to see that part of my drought may be because I've been constantly asking God to "deliver me from this, or answer that prayer, or I need help with this thing." I'm always thinking, scheming, dissecting, analyzing how I can fix my situation, get out of my situation or get through it as quickly as possible. I rarely ask God to show me "how to get through" my circumstances, how to just be where I am and still serve God with a pure heart. Or to just rejoice and be glad that this is the day the Lord has made.

As my best friend and I began our prayer time we both seemed to be in the same place. I love that about our friendship because God seems to allow our lives to parallel each other. We believe it helps us keep each other accountable. So, today we started over. We decided, just as Abraham decided to lay Isaac on the alter and trust God with his son, to let go of the things we have been fervently praying over for such a long time and trust that God is more than capable of handling these things. To get out of His way and let Him do His job. I seem to spend a lot of time asking God why things are taking so long, and yet won't get out of His way so that He can actually do something about it.

My devotional said this today, "If you go to Him to be guided, He will guide you; but He will not comfort your distrust or half-trust of Him by showing you the chart of all His purposes concerning you. He will show you only into a way where, if you will go cheerfully and trustfully forward, He will show you on even farther." (Horace Bushnell).

It didn't take long to see why I had been so thirsty spiritually. It wasn't because I didn't have time to get alone necessarily. Had I just spent more time on that drive handing things over rather than trying to figure things out, I think the result would have been much different. Just being able to put on the garment of praise for all that God has done and is still doing would have allowed me to fill up with living water rather than pouring dust into my mouth. As I shared with my best friend..."Me alone with my thoughts for 1200 miles is not a good thing."

It has certainly proven to be a very reflective three weeks. I got more than I bargained for physically and spiritually. Just when I thought God wasn't doing anything in me lately, I get this big bang over the top of my head and see how much I've been missing. Can I learn to be content in every situation? Can I really learn how to fully put those things on the alter and not pick them back up again? Is it realistic to really be able to rejoice in every circumstance even when you feel miserable and can't lift your head off the pillow? I believe the answer is absolutely YES. Partly because I've read about Paul doing it while in chains, Jesus doing it while waiting to be led to the cross and John being sent to Patmos in his final years. But, it certainly isn't going to happen over night. And, it will require some diligence on my part. And, even though I have much to learn, the rewards no doubt will stretch into eternity...I can't think of a better thing to pursue in one's life than that of developing a spirit that will live forever with the one who created it!!!

God is good!
Blessings, Tanya

July 11, 2008

First, I have to wish my husband a very Happy Birthday today. I think he had a good day, although he is at a BBQ right now with the kids so I'll find out more later. I'm too wiped out to tag along this time. He and a couple of friends also went and played some golf earlier today and I'm hoping it gets him excited to play more often. He so deserves to be having more fun these days. We are also praising God for a recent promotion at his company. It's so amazing to see God bless him for his faithfulness & devotion to this family and for all of his hard work.

As I shared before, I'm missing out on a BBQ with our friends whom I so dearly love to spend time with. But, I could tell yesterday that if I didn't slow down soon I was going to be in big trouble. I was initially feeling myself get that pit of discouragement in my stomach and want to go running down "Sorry for Me" lane, but instead God's timing has pulled me up by my boot straps. He knew exactly what I needed to hear. Turning to 2nd Corinthians 1:8-9 (NLT) I found myself smack in the middle of a favorite passage..."I think you ought to know, dear brothers and sisters, about the trouble we went through in the province of Asia. We were crushed and completely overwhelmed, and we thought we would never live through it. In fact we expected to die. But as a result, we learned not to rely on ourselves, but on God who can raise the dead." The NIV translation states part of this verse as..."we were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure..." Can I hear a hearty "AMEN" from the crowd? How many times are we living out circumstances where it feels like its just too much? We can't take any more and its way beyond our own human abilities to keep it all together and survive one more minute. I mean, God-bless the people who can't relate to this at all. I'm thankful for that in your life and God is doing amazing things through you in other ways. But, for others, who like Paul are being literally brought to the brink of death emotionally and/or physically...we need to know our God can raise us up from the dead. He can bring us back and put our feet on solid ground again. Not only that, but also learning through the process that every weakness in our life gives God a chance to show his strength.

I have had my days where I "expected to die" and had to make peace with all of those feelings. It's not something that was easily done. So, when I rejoice about grocery shopping or trivial every day things, its really me saying that I truly feel resurrected. However, having days like yesterday and today where I'm dragging myself through, reminds me that I have to stop relying on myself and to rely on God. Not as a crutch, but as a way of life that gives our Creator much glory. By continually trying to do everything in my own strength, it puts me back to that place of being overwhelmed and on the brink of death in some form or another. By the way, I don't know how you go about relying on God during your day, but for me I'm still figuring those things out. The early report on my findings is that it involves far more patience than I'm comfortable exerting. Waiting to see what may come of something that I feel inclined to jump in and take care of. Knee-jerk reactions to certain situations that would probably work themselves out if I were to give it an hour or two. Allowing other people to solve some of their own issues rather than trying to "fix it" for them. That's just to name a few. It reminds me of the old adage, "Don't work hard, work smart!" Or, "Don't get in God's way and you won't be so exhausted!" That last one was mine :-).

I would say that I feel pretty sad and disappointed with myself that my Lord has had to bring me to the brink at different times to learn these lessons of relying on Him and not myself...except that Paul had to go through it too so it makes me feel a little better :-). If Paul had to learn it then surely I should not be surprised or sad to be going through a similar lesson. Clearly it is a necessary part of growing up in God.

As for all of these trying circumstances that push me to the point of feeling "crushed and overwhelmed"? To quote a section from "The Smart Guide to the Bible" discussing Philippians 4:12-13...."The trouble with difficult circumstances is that they seem to rob us of our freedom of choice. The slave can't go where he wishes; the cripple can't run and jump. Paul, however, is content in any and every situation. He simply doesn't let circumstances bother him." Oh, how I wish I could say I'm there. I know its possible and I will keep working in that direction. I know that if the same power that raised Christ from the dead is at work in me, then surely I can weather these storms one day at a time. In plenty of energy or in want of energy...I can be content in all circumstances through Christ.

God is Good!
Blessings, Tanya

July 5, 2008

July is always a busy month at our house. We have three birthday's in the first two weeks. Mine was the 2nd, Whitney's is next on the 9th, and then Bob's is on the 11th. We love the fact that 2 + 9 = 11. When it was just the three of us in the beginning we felt that it was no accident that God had knit us into a new family. We still enjoy sharing that little piece of information with people when we get to know them. It's part of our history and part of our truth, that God does miracles in lives and especially in families.

Yesterday we had a wonderful 4th of July. I had been praying for awhile that the Lord would give me enough energy this summer to have our home bustling with friends and family again. I just didn't realize it would come so quickly. We had neighbors, old friends, new friends, family...it was filled with so much laughter and lots of praising God for what He has done in our life. It felt good to be surrounded with people who have seen first hand how far I've come in my healing and recognize that it truly was God's touch. I spent the first half of the day cooking and getting everything ready...took my two hour power nap...and then geared up for the rest of the evening that went well past everyone's bed time. The kids and "kids disguised as men" :-) enjoyed setting off a great fireworks show which was extra big this year with the rest of the neighborhood joining it. It was quite a sight.

Healing for me continues to come in waves and in different forms. I still over-do it at times just because I so enjoy the time with my kids and doing fun things with them this summer. And, I try to embrace the set-backs as a reminder that God still wants control of my entire day...not just what I want to give Him. Sometimes our gifts come wrapped in the most unusual ways, don't they? It's having the eyes to see it's God knocking softly at our door and the stillness of heart to hear it. I would love to say I hear Him every time, but the truth is I'm still developing and working on this area of my life. And, probably always will be. It's the desire to get to the point where I can hear His footsteps approaching my door before He ever knocks. Having that intimacy of knowing His shoes from every other sound in my head...

Even as I write this today, I know there are people reading this who are struggling for many different reasons. Some in a similar situation as I am, others with completely different challenges. We all have seasons of being in the wilderness. Just the name alone evokes pictures of rugged terrain, isolation, fear of what's out there that we can't yet see, vulnerability, and loneliness to just name a few. But, also the wilderness can be a place of rest. You cease struggling against everything because you are now in a place that is so completely unfamiliar that you must finally allow God to show you step-by-step the way home. And, during that journey you will sit with Him by the fire to keep warm & safe, talk about all the things that went "wrong" that led you to this place or how you were "unjustly" dropped off out there without your consent. Either way, we have to start seeing Jesus sitting there with us, leading us home. If we change the picture in my minds from us being alone in what ever our circumstances are to realizing that we have the One who created us and loves us more than anyone right there 24/7...it completely changes the outcome of the story. It changes everything. Our time in the wilderness can be either the best thing that has ever happened to us, or it can destroy us. We were made for more than that. God certainly didn't want our purpose to be cut short by a trip to rugged territory...it can be used to prepare us for even greater things. I myself have a hard time with God's word that says that we shall do even greater things than He did. It's hard to imagine that. But, if Jesus said, then it must be true. I pray that every difficulty that comes my way, will be met with belief that my God is a good God. He allows things to come into my life and can take anything broken and battered and make it beautiful again. Even this body that has been through a lot. I realize now how our circumstances can destort the truth because we are so human and struggle so hard to want to understand everything. It was nearly impossible for me to believe at one point that I would ever be well again. I say "nearly" because I did leave a tiny little window for God to do His work in me. But, for many months it was my family and a few Godly friends who kept my vision for me. They would remind me that God had not left me and was holding my hand. We all need someone like that in our life. To hold our vision for us while we are in such a dark pit at times. It doesn't mean we have given up or don't believe that God will rescue us. It just means that we have lost our ability for a time to see the possibilities as clearly as everyone else. It's like they are our "seeing-eye dogs"...if you will. Its at these times that I really understand why God created community, why He has brought certain people into our lives at that time and how important it is when we are well to be that for others. It can be a life-line.

I don't know any great medical treatments that will make people well. I don't even know if it has mattered at all at the things I have taken to get well. I don't know why some people heal and others do not. And, I do not think I am more blessed than someone who has not yet received their healing. I myself am not completely well and have far to go. I just know that more than healing...more than riches...more than anything else...God just wants us to be close to Him. To spend time at His feet the way Martha did and choose "the good thing." It is good to be still, to wait and to listen. Even if it is in a dry and weary land. He is there.

Psalm 91:4 NLT

He will shield you with his wings.

He will shelter you with his feathers.

His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

God is good!!!

Blessings, Tanya