It's day four and incredibly hot here. Thank goodness Kevin and Lynn have air conditioning or I would be back home after one day.
Whitney and I are having some great time together. Kevin and Lynn went to the ocean and so we are house sitting and taking care of their dog. They will be back on Wed. Bob and the kids will be here either Thursday night or Friday morning. I miss then terribly and can't wait for their return. Spencer is having the hardest time with me being gone. He calls day and night wanting me to come home "NOW". It definitely has made the seperation more difficult.
Yesterday Whitney and I decided to take Kevin's big, giant Ford, extended cab, diesel pick-up truck downtown to do some very quick shopping. We looked quite out of place in this big truck. Whitney was wearing her sweat pants because the house is 67 degrees inside. When we got to Target and walked from the truck to the store she was totally sweating. She then tried to talk me into taking the truck through the drive-through for some Taco Bell. We were laughing so hard because I could barely park the thing, let alone go through a tiny drive-through. I was exhausted by the time we made it home I had to take a long nap to recover.
Today we tried to give the dog a bath. That didn't go much better. We have finally resigned ourselves to lounging around and reading our respective books. Tomorrow is just doing laundry :-).
I can't say that I'm feeling any better since being here, but that wasn't my expectation to see any changes right away. Rather than thinking about that I'm trying to enjoy the quiet which doesn't exist much at my house :-). It seems like a great opportunity to slow everything down another notch, and wait to see what God has in store.
Psalm 131:1-2
Lord, my heart is not proud; my eyes are not haughty.
I don't concern myself with matters too great or awesome for me.
But I have stilled and quieted myself,
just as a small child is quiet with its mother.
Yes, like a small child is my soul within me.
Many blessings, Tanya
July 30, 2007
July 24, 2007
A little Update
I can't believe that July is almost over. It seems like every year goes by quicker and quicker...especially during the summer months. We have been having a nice summer break so far and this next month some fun things will be coming up.
I am scheduled to go over to Wenatchee to stay with our good friends Kevin and Lynn on this Friday. The family will all go over with me and everyone but Whitney and I will return back home on Saturday. The kids have camps that they will be going to so hopefully this will keep them distracted about me being away for awhile. Bob will return that next Friday, August 3rd with the kids and Buddy the dog to spend some time with Kevin, Lynn and their two sweet kids. I think I hear some rumblings about either a day at the water slides or maybe even some river rafting. Either way I think it will be a great time. Whitney will have to go back with everyone that Sunday because she has some things going so it will be just me until Bob returns the following Thursday or Friday. We'll return that next day and I will finally be back at home. I'm not sure if this will tell us much as far as my sensitivities to molds, but I guess it is worth a try. Plus, we have the added bonus of getting caught up with our friends whom we haven't been able to see in a few years.
Right now I'm doing about the same. I guess these last two weeks have been a bit harder and I'm trying to be patient and wait to see if I get some relief pretty soon. My main symptoms right now are extreme fatigue and no stamina. Basically I can't stand and do anything for more than 15-30 minutes without feeling exhausted and like I might pass out. It's very frustrating at times and I'm still trying to make peace with these major constraints, but it just isn't easy. I seem to be able to do more as long as I'm sitting and can make phone calls, visit a little while and do some reading.
Spiritually I feel like I have hit a bit of a wall and I always think its a good sign in some ways because eventually I'll get tired of it and decide I want to go to the next level. Right now I'm in resistance mode, spending hours watching the Tour de France, golf, tennis, Fox News and the food network. I just recently got this new book and started reading it a few days ago. The title is a bit harsh though..."Shattered Dreams--God's Unexpected Pathway to Joy." Whitney came into my room and saw it laying on my bed and picked it up. She looked at the book, looked at me and frowned. Then all she said was, "Ooooh, Saaaaaad!!!!" and walked out. We have had a good laugh about that since then. Oh, to be 14 and feel like the world is your oyster!
But, needless to say I haven't been burning through the book just yet. I'm only getting through a few pages a day because I guess I'm just not ready to hear how all of this "Stuff" we go through is supposed to give me what I'm really looking for. Sometimes I just want to check out for awhile. It's just asking me to feel everything I don't feel like feeling and not shove it under the rug. I guess that's what I'm doing by saturating my brain in t.v. right now. I call it a vacation - tomato - tomaaaaato...lol.
I heard this true story about a guy who was held in a prison camp during the war for 10 years or something and everyday he would play 18 holes of golf in his mind. He would envision himself at his old golf course and take himself through every shot mentally. When he was released and went back and played that golf course, he had a near perfect score on his first time out. Incredible. So, sometimes I do that too. I try to think about the most beautiful course I've played which was awhile ago and take myself through a few shots. It's a nice place to go to mentally sometimes, but I have no illusions of shooting a perfect score ever in my life! Please! I just wanted to explain why I was watching so much golf :-).
But, rest assured, I know I'll reach my saturation point and get back to reality and deal with my questions and try to learn to accept what I cannot change. I'll continue to pray that those truth's I'm learning in my head will one day make their way 16-inches down to my heart and I'll begin to experience true joy regardless of my circumstances. That all pain has a purpose and one day God will make it known to me either on this side of heaven or the other. And, my desire to know God more will continue to grow because I can't think of a greater achievement in this life than to know intimately my Creator.
I am scheduled to go over to Wenatchee to stay with our good friends Kevin and Lynn on this Friday. The family will all go over with me and everyone but Whitney and I will return back home on Saturday. The kids have camps that they will be going to so hopefully this will keep them distracted about me being away for awhile. Bob will return that next Friday, August 3rd with the kids and Buddy the dog to spend some time with Kevin, Lynn and their two sweet kids. I think I hear some rumblings about either a day at the water slides or maybe even some river rafting. Either way I think it will be a great time. Whitney will have to go back with everyone that Sunday because she has some things going so it will be just me until Bob returns the following Thursday or Friday. We'll return that next day and I will finally be back at home. I'm not sure if this will tell us much as far as my sensitivities to molds, but I guess it is worth a try. Plus, we have the added bonus of getting caught up with our friends whom we haven't been able to see in a few years.
Right now I'm doing about the same. I guess these last two weeks have been a bit harder and I'm trying to be patient and wait to see if I get some relief pretty soon. My main symptoms right now are extreme fatigue and no stamina. Basically I can't stand and do anything for more than 15-30 minutes without feeling exhausted and like I might pass out. It's very frustrating at times and I'm still trying to make peace with these major constraints, but it just isn't easy. I seem to be able to do more as long as I'm sitting and can make phone calls, visit a little while and do some reading.
Spiritually I feel like I have hit a bit of a wall and I always think its a good sign in some ways because eventually I'll get tired of it and decide I want to go to the next level. Right now I'm in resistance mode, spending hours watching the Tour de France, golf, tennis, Fox News and the food network. I just recently got this new book and started reading it a few days ago. The title is a bit harsh though..."Shattered Dreams--God's Unexpected Pathway to Joy." Whitney came into my room and saw it laying on my bed and picked it up. She looked at the book, looked at me and frowned. Then all she said was, "Ooooh, Saaaaaad!!!!" and walked out. We have had a good laugh about that since then. Oh, to be 14 and feel like the world is your oyster!
But, needless to say I haven't been burning through the book just yet. I'm only getting through a few pages a day because I guess I'm just not ready to hear how all of this "Stuff" we go through is supposed to give me what I'm really looking for. Sometimes I just want to check out for awhile. It's just asking me to feel everything I don't feel like feeling and not shove it under the rug. I guess that's what I'm doing by saturating my brain in t.v. right now. I call it a vacation - tomato - tomaaaaato...lol.
I heard this true story about a guy who was held in a prison camp during the war for 10 years or something and everyday he would play 18 holes of golf in his mind. He would envision himself at his old golf course and take himself through every shot mentally. When he was released and went back and played that golf course, he had a near perfect score on his first time out. Incredible. So, sometimes I do that too. I try to think about the most beautiful course I've played which was awhile ago and take myself through a few shots. It's a nice place to go to mentally sometimes, but I have no illusions of shooting a perfect score ever in my life! Please! I just wanted to explain why I was watching so much golf :-).
But, rest assured, I know I'll reach my saturation point and get back to reality and deal with my questions and try to learn to accept what I cannot change. I'll continue to pray that those truth's I'm learning in my head will one day make their way 16-inches down to my heart and I'll begin to experience true joy regardless of my circumstances. That all pain has a purpose and one day God will make it known to me either on this side of heaven or the other. And, my desire to know God more will continue to grow because I can't think of a greater achievement in this life than to know intimately my Creator.
July 12, 2007
Today I was thinking about the three "D's" that I've been through in my life...Death, Divorce and Disease. I think those are the three things that I feared the most growing up and have experienced all before the age of 38. All three have taken my heart and smashed it into a million little pieces. Just when I would feel like I was finally able to take a deep breath, it seemed like the next "D" would come along. I can't tell you the nights I felt like surely God had finally had enough of me and was giving me what I thought I deserved. Even though I didn't have control over those three events, one can't help but wonder sometimes if maybe I had smarted off one too many times.
But, as I've looked back over the years and the events that have unfolded since then, I realize the truth is that God never let go of me and we live in a fallen world where life is just hard. In fact, He has done everything to remind me that everything that may be to my detriment He will use for good.
I remember about six months after my mom died, my dad decided he didn't want to live in their home anymore. It was just too painful for all of us I think. So, I started looking for homes for him while he was up in Alaska fishing. I came across this agent doing an open house in a new development completely out of his price range. But, Whitney, who was just starting to walk, and I decided we would take a sneak peak at what these homes looked like. The agent doing the open house asked for my number and said she would contact me if something in our price range came up. I had only briefly told her why I was looking for my dad and the basic circumstances. About a week later I just happen to be at home alone, reading my Bible and asking God to somehow help ease this miserable pain when I got a call from this woman. She told me that the reason why she was calling was because she had lost her mom when she was my age and had a daughter that was Whitney's age at the time. Our circumstances where really similar. And, she was a Christian. It felt as if God himself walked into my room and said, "I'm going to walk you through this, it won't be easy, but I promise to heal your heart." And, slowly over time I began to breath again.
Going through my divorce was not the same. The heart break was just as painful but it came in a different form. I felt so alone, embarrassed, ashamed, isolated. With my mom not there to help me talk through things, it seemed like a double-wammy. She never solved my problems for me, but she always made me feel loved no matter what has happened in my life. And back then, I really needed it. Again, God knew my needs and prior to my divorce He placed a woman my age into my life. We had hit it off instantly in a Bible study and I had realized that she also had been married previously and had a child. She was now remarried and just given birth to twin boys so her hands were full...but when I told her my news she never missed a beat. She would pray with me, bring me food when there was no child support payments, and just let me grieve. But, she also gave me hope and reminded me that God still had a plan for my life. She always pointed me back to the Bible and held my hand for several years. It was another tangible hand print from God that He had not left me.
Since I've been sick there are so many different ways I feel like God has put his arm around me and held my hand again. People who have helped me get my kids from home to school, offered up playdates, and friends & family coming in to help me take care of my little ones when I was too sick to even get up. My best friend who has given hours of phone time to my tears and venting...my husband who has nevered waivered in his hope that I will get better. I only know that to survive these three difficult events in my life, there is no doubt that God still has his eye on me this very moment.
I know that in the very moments of my darkest hours I felt like I would never feel joy again. It just didn't seem possible this last year when I felt like my life was over and my heart was being shattered a third time into a million little pieces that it could ever be put back together again. I was sure that this last time would be too much. But, day by day I start to see a tiny piece of light. When I am able to feel more compassionate, be more patient with my family and God, and see tiny bits of change in my heart...I start to see how God is working out good in something that has been so hard. I'm still physically struggling, and I still have my 15 minutes of feeling sorry for myself everyday, but I have not lost my hope. I am continuing to believe that God will heal me beyond my own imagination (and I have a good one), and that I will hopefully be able to give back to those who feel like they have no hope. If my life can ever be an example to just one person who feels like they can't go on...then everything I've been through will be worth it. There's no greater gift to share than that of hope and life and light.
But, as I've looked back over the years and the events that have unfolded since then, I realize the truth is that God never let go of me and we live in a fallen world where life is just hard. In fact, He has done everything to remind me that everything that may be to my detriment He will use for good.
I remember about six months after my mom died, my dad decided he didn't want to live in their home anymore. It was just too painful for all of us I think. So, I started looking for homes for him while he was up in Alaska fishing. I came across this agent doing an open house in a new development completely out of his price range. But, Whitney, who was just starting to walk, and I decided we would take a sneak peak at what these homes looked like. The agent doing the open house asked for my number and said she would contact me if something in our price range came up. I had only briefly told her why I was looking for my dad and the basic circumstances. About a week later I just happen to be at home alone, reading my Bible and asking God to somehow help ease this miserable pain when I got a call from this woman. She told me that the reason why she was calling was because she had lost her mom when she was my age and had a daughter that was Whitney's age at the time. Our circumstances where really similar. And, she was a Christian. It felt as if God himself walked into my room and said, "I'm going to walk you through this, it won't be easy, but I promise to heal your heart." And, slowly over time I began to breath again.
Going through my divorce was not the same. The heart break was just as painful but it came in a different form. I felt so alone, embarrassed, ashamed, isolated. With my mom not there to help me talk through things, it seemed like a double-wammy. She never solved my problems for me, but she always made me feel loved no matter what has happened in my life. And back then, I really needed it. Again, God knew my needs and prior to my divorce He placed a woman my age into my life. We had hit it off instantly in a Bible study and I had realized that she also had been married previously and had a child. She was now remarried and just given birth to twin boys so her hands were full...but when I told her my news she never missed a beat. She would pray with me, bring me food when there was no child support payments, and just let me grieve. But, she also gave me hope and reminded me that God still had a plan for my life. She always pointed me back to the Bible and held my hand for several years. It was another tangible hand print from God that He had not left me.
Since I've been sick there are so many different ways I feel like God has put his arm around me and held my hand again. People who have helped me get my kids from home to school, offered up playdates, and friends & family coming in to help me take care of my little ones when I was too sick to even get up. My best friend who has given hours of phone time to my tears and venting...my husband who has nevered waivered in his hope that I will get better. I only know that to survive these three difficult events in my life, there is no doubt that God still has his eye on me this very moment.
I know that in the very moments of my darkest hours I felt like I would never feel joy again. It just didn't seem possible this last year when I felt like my life was over and my heart was being shattered a third time into a million little pieces that it could ever be put back together again. I was sure that this last time would be too much. But, day by day I start to see a tiny piece of light. When I am able to feel more compassionate, be more patient with my family and God, and see tiny bits of change in my heart...I start to see how God is working out good in something that has been so hard. I'm still physically struggling, and I still have my 15 minutes of feeling sorry for myself everyday, but I have not lost my hope. I am continuing to believe that God will heal me beyond my own imagination (and I have a good one), and that I will hopefully be able to give back to those who feel like they have no hope. If my life can ever be an example to just one person who feels like they can't go on...then everything I've been through will be worth it. There's no greater gift to share than that of hope and life and light.
July 9, 2007
Today is Whitney's Birthday
I wouldn't normally post about one of my kids' birthdays, but since I now have a true teenager in my house going off to high school next year, I thought I would just offer a few thoughts.
First of all, I don't feel old enough to have a teenager. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up so how am I supposed to help my daughter :-)? But, I'm suddenly finding myself giving her these long lectures on life, her purpose, and warm places to go to college. She tells me that these "talks" make her "sleepy". It's like she is already leaving the nest. I'm panicking I think. It feels like the first 14 years have flown by and all those things that I thought I would have been able to teach her by now (like how to catch a halibut...lol) just hasn't quite happened yet.
Now we are moving into uncharted territory. Cell phones, boys, driving at some point. I'm finding myself sounding more and more like my mother these days. "Until you pay the bills in this house, young lady, you will keep your bathroom free of things that have a life all their own...!!" It's very exciting to be watching her grow up and go through all of those things that the rest of us have lived to tell about.
There are so many more fun stories I could tell, but given the fact that she IS a teenager, I know that she might not think they are so fun. So, I won't say anything to embarrass her. I will say that we feel so blessed to have a daughter like Whitney. She has brought us so much joy and as a mother I feel incredibly blessed to have her in my life. She and I have been through a lot together during the years I was a single mom. We often laugh about the time we lived on an old wooden boat down on Lake Union. There aren't many kids who can say that. And, even though it was crazy, she says she has really great memories from those days. I know that I couldn't always give her what other kids had but our relationship was enough to sustain her...and me.
So, today is more about me I guess than it is about her turning 14. It's been an incredible experience to be the mother of Whitney. She is an amazing daughter, sister, student and friend. I'm so thankful that she came into my life when she did...
First of all, I don't feel old enough to have a teenager. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up so how am I supposed to help my daughter :-)? But, I'm suddenly finding myself giving her these long lectures on life, her purpose, and warm places to go to college. She tells me that these "talks" make her "sleepy". It's like she is already leaving the nest. I'm panicking I think. It feels like the first 14 years have flown by and all those things that I thought I would have been able to teach her by now (like how to catch a halibut...lol) just hasn't quite happened yet.
Now we are moving into uncharted territory. Cell phones, boys, driving at some point. I'm finding myself sounding more and more like my mother these days. "Until you pay the bills in this house, young lady, you will keep your bathroom free of things that have a life all their own...!!" It's very exciting to be watching her grow up and go through all of those things that the rest of us have lived to tell about.
There are so many more fun stories I could tell, but given the fact that she IS a teenager, I know that she might not think they are so fun. So, I won't say anything to embarrass her. I will say that we feel so blessed to have a daughter like Whitney. She has brought us so much joy and as a mother I feel incredibly blessed to have her in my life. She and I have been through a lot together during the years I was a single mom. We often laugh about the time we lived on an old wooden boat down on Lake Union. There aren't many kids who can say that. And, even though it was crazy, she says she has really great memories from those days. I know that I couldn't always give her what other kids had but our relationship was enough to sustain her...and me.
So, today is more about me I guess than it is about her turning 14. It's been an incredible experience to be the mother of Whitney. She is an amazing daughter, sister, student and friend. I'm so thankful that she came into my life when she did...
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