Not much new to tell, except that summer is here and all the kids seem to be enjoying themselves so far. We have been waiting on some nicer weather to get to the parks more often, but hopefully that will be coming this next week.
I'm doing okay. Still struggling against this unrelenting fatigue that makes me want to sleep all day. It makes it difficult to concentrate on anything except just laying there like a vegatable. I'm hoping it will ease up soon.
We are considering the idea of me going to Eastern Washington for two weeks and then the family joining me for the last week. We want to see if some of my issues are related to the high levels of mold in Western Washington. But, I think if it is the cause of some of these issues I need to be out of here for a significant amount of time to see if my body responds one way or another. So, I'm working on how we will make that happen. It's incredibly stressful for me to be away from the kids for even a few days so this is something we aren't taking lightly. It's just one of the last things that we haven't tried yet to see if it helps my healing process.
I feel like I'm in a major holding pattern right now which is hard. It's one of those times in my life that I really don't know what the next steps should be, but I just know I need to stand still until God makes my path clear. I've been meditating on Isaiah 30:21 "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ear will hear a voice behind you saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'"
So, as I wait I'm still walking through different doors trusting that God will show me as I move in one direction or the other what it is we should do next. It is a bit of an oxymoron to wait and still move forward. But, its a matter of the heart. My spirit is one of waiting and watching. But I'm also doing what my part is from a human perspective while waiting on God to do his part from a supernatural perspective. It's all we can do right now. I just know He is faithful. I know there is healing for me on this side of heaven.
June 30, 2007
June 21, 2007
Dr. Appointment Yesterday
I finally had my doctor appointment yesterday. Here is a link to the Dr's web site and information about him. I'm sharing it because he has some very good information on there about wellness and healing.
http://www.stevenmhallmd.com/aboutsteve.htm
I think in general the appointment went well and I do like his approach to health and healing. We are going to start out by doing some craniosacral therapy for three weeks starting July 3rd. If you aren't familiar with that, he explains it on his web site. I have talked to several people over the last month about this and have heard excellent feed back. So, I'm looking forward to trying a more gentle, non-supplement form of treatment to start with. We will eventually add more of the supplement treatment in later, but I think we want to see what this approach brings first.
I had a very eventful last week, better than I've had in over a year. I was able to accomplish getting Whitney her graduation dress with the help of my friend Michelle. She and I went to Macy's and went speed shopping grabbing about 8 dresses off the racks to bring home for Whitney to try on. I think we spent maybe 20 minutes in the store total and it was just perfect. Then we took Whitney back to the shoe store to get some shoes to go with it. It was such a joy to be there doing these simple things with my family. Last friday was Whitney's graduation and even though it was hot and I felt like passing out...lol...I was able to go and cheer her on. Saturday was Spencer's birthday party at a bowling alley with him and little buddies...again...I can't even begin to verbalize how full of joy I was to be there watching him enjoy his big #5 birthday. Since I was on a roll, I decided to push the envelope a little further and we drove to Mt. Vernon to watch Whitney play in her last game of a weekend-long tournament. It was the first game I watched her play in over a year. I could feel my body melting down, but to see her play and how much she has improved was incredible. I could see her excitement when we walked in and that was enough for me to make it through. God was very good and merciful for those three days.
Now I'm recovering again and had to surrender to my body needing extra down time. I really don't mind it because I feel like I accomplished so much. It feels good to rest and regroup. I feel like there is much going on in my heart, but am waiting for the words to flow again so that I can share it all. I hope to have my deeper thoughts up here in the near future :-). Thank you to everyone for all of your love and support to our family. I can never thank everyone enough for helping us keep our family up and running. We are incredibly grateful.
Love and blessings, Tanya
http://www.stevenmhallmd.com/aboutsteve.htm
I think in general the appointment went well and I do like his approach to health and healing. We are going to start out by doing some craniosacral therapy for three weeks starting July 3rd. If you aren't familiar with that, he explains it on his web site. I have talked to several people over the last month about this and have heard excellent feed back. So, I'm looking forward to trying a more gentle, non-supplement form of treatment to start with. We will eventually add more of the supplement treatment in later, but I think we want to see what this approach brings first.
I had a very eventful last week, better than I've had in over a year. I was able to accomplish getting Whitney her graduation dress with the help of my friend Michelle. She and I went to Macy's and went speed shopping grabbing about 8 dresses off the racks to bring home for Whitney to try on. I think we spent maybe 20 minutes in the store total and it was just perfect. Then we took Whitney back to the shoe store to get some shoes to go with it. It was such a joy to be there doing these simple things with my family. Last friday was Whitney's graduation and even though it was hot and I felt like passing out...lol...I was able to go and cheer her on. Saturday was Spencer's birthday party at a bowling alley with him and little buddies...again...I can't even begin to verbalize how full of joy I was to be there watching him enjoy his big #5 birthday. Since I was on a roll, I decided to push the envelope a little further and we drove to Mt. Vernon to watch Whitney play in her last game of a weekend-long tournament. It was the first game I watched her play in over a year. I could feel my body melting down, but to see her play and how much she has improved was incredible. I could see her excitement when we walked in and that was enough for me to make it through. God was very good and merciful for those three days.
Now I'm recovering again and had to surrender to my body needing extra down time. I really don't mind it because I feel like I accomplished so much. It feels good to rest and regroup. I feel like there is much going on in my heart, but am waiting for the words to flow again so that I can share it all. I hope to have my deeper thoughts up here in the near future :-). Thank you to everyone for all of your love and support to our family. I can never thank everyone enough for helping us keep our family up and running. We are incredibly grateful.
Love and blessings, Tanya
June 12, 2007
Laying it all down for a season...a very long Season.
I'm sorry for bogging you all down with so much of my day-to-day journey of dealing with illness. It is unfortunately very consuming for our family and affects every decision we make, right down to Bob being able to get to the grocery store. At the same time we feel like we are gleaning so much from the process that is good and life-changing that we don't want those we love to miss out on it with us.
The last week or so has been a bit up and down. For me that can mean physical, emotional or both. There are times when it feels like I can't take being in my skin, or this room one more day and then the clouds part as I keep pressing in to God for strength and comfort, He reminds me that His grace is sufficient. I realize that I have these windows of energy that make me want to have little outings which I end up pushing to a bit longer than a little outing. I go crazy at the grocery store with this incredible need to speed shop. But then as I feel the energy drain from my body, it becomes replaced with a small little spark of anger. "Not yet, Lord...just a few more minutes...pllllllleeeeeeeeease. I haven't had a chance to check out the organic fruit this season and are they carrying Basque cheese yet at Top Foods?" Then I hit the wall and it turns into a mission of survival to get back to the car before someone is calling, "Lady down on aisle 6!" How embarrassing would that be?
I think the thing I really started to complain about to God the other day was having to rely on people to get my kids from point A to point B. The conversation went something like this: "God, you know I need to get them from this place to that. Why are you making this so hard for us? Why can't you just make me well enough that I can do basic errands? I'll happily forgo other things if you would just let me have this." Here's the response I got back: "Do you remember Jennifer Rothschild? The woman who lost her sight at 15 from retinosa pigmantosa? She has two children. She has never been able to drive her kids to soccer practice or any other activity they have participated in. And, she never will be able to. Why, for just a season, can you not lay this down and let others be there for you?" Ouch! I realized right then and there that I was once again forgetting that our adversities are our teachers and to quote Jennifer Rothschild, "In the adversity we dread we discover life of which we've only dreamed." God also reminded me that I've never wanted an ordinary life anyway. As a kid I dreamed about being in the Olympics playing basketball, as I got older I dreamed about living overseas working as a missionary, and as a mom with a family I dreamed about taking our kids around the world to remember that we have a responsibility to give back because of all we've been given.
I have no idea what the future holds. I just know it will involve times of rest and green pastures and times of great difficulty. We can't embrace one and not the other because they are relatives. We don't know what rest feels like until we are tired. We don't know what peace is until we don't have it for a time. We will certainly struggle to touch those lives of others who hurt if we ourselves have never hurt. I think the great mystery is how to walk through it all, allow it to do its work in us without destroying us. I certainly don't expect to be the one to solve the mystery...but I'm going to do my best to allow it to change me in whatever way will make my time here on earth more meaningful. So, for now I must learn the lesson that Paul talked about in Philippians 4:11-13 "...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
The last week or so has been a bit up and down. For me that can mean physical, emotional or both. There are times when it feels like I can't take being in my skin, or this room one more day and then the clouds part as I keep pressing in to God for strength and comfort, He reminds me that His grace is sufficient. I realize that I have these windows of energy that make me want to have little outings which I end up pushing to a bit longer than a little outing. I go crazy at the grocery store with this incredible need to speed shop. But then as I feel the energy drain from my body, it becomes replaced with a small little spark of anger. "Not yet, Lord...just a few more minutes...pllllllleeeeeeeeease. I haven't had a chance to check out the organic fruit this season and are they carrying Basque cheese yet at Top Foods?" Then I hit the wall and it turns into a mission of survival to get back to the car before someone is calling, "Lady down on aisle 6!" How embarrassing would that be?
I think the thing I really started to complain about to God the other day was having to rely on people to get my kids from point A to point B. The conversation went something like this: "God, you know I need to get them from this place to that. Why are you making this so hard for us? Why can't you just make me well enough that I can do basic errands? I'll happily forgo other things if you would just let me have this." Here's the response I got back: "Do you remember Jennifer Rothschild? The woman who lost her sight at 15 from retinosa pigmantosa? She has two children. She has never been able to drive her kids to soccer practice or any other activity they have participated in. And, she never will be able to. Why, for just a season, can you not lay this down and let others be there for you?" Ouch! I realized right then and there that I was once again forgetting that our adversities are our teachers and to quote Jennifer Rothschild, "In the adversity we dread we discover life of which we've only dreamed." God also reminded me that I've never wanted an ordinary life anyway. As a kid I dreamed about being in the Olympics playing basketball, as I got older I dreamed about living overseas working as a missionary, and as a mom with a family I dreamed about taking our kids around the world to remember that we have a responsibility to give back because of all we've been given.
I have no idea what the future holds. I just know it will involve times of rest and green pastures and times of great difficulty. We can't embrace one and not the other because they are relatives. We don't know what rest feels like until we are tired. We don't know what peace is until we don't have it for a time. We will certainly struggle to touch those lives of others who hurt if we ourselves have never hurt. I think the great mystery is how to walk through it all, allow it to do its work in us without destroying us. I certainly don't expect to be the one to solve the mystery...but I'm going to do my best to allow it to change me in whatever way will make my time here on earth more meaningful. So, for now I must learn the lesson that Paul talked about in Philippians 4:11-13 "...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
June 2, 2007
No Matter What - List
I read a lot of books. It's more of an addiction than a passion to be completely frank about it. Nothing brings me greater joy than when I get that new book in my hands. It represents so many things to me before I even turn a page. Some books that I read are so full of incredible ideas and thoughts that its hard for me to take them all in and apply everything at once. I usually read the book all the way through, make some highlights along the way, and then end up pulling it back off the shelf over and over again just going to those highlighted places. And, I always try to take away at least one thing from every book that I read that I can apply to my life right away.
My friend, who also has a love for books like I do, dropped one by for me to borrow and I read it start to finish. Those are the best kind. This particular author had a section that I knew would be the one thing that I would be taking away to apply to my life right away. And, it couldn't have come at a better time. Thus began my journey called, "No Matter What". That phrase alone felt so powerful in my mind to even say. It felt final and it felt do-able.
I realized that one of my biggest struggles has been being tossed around by my feelings, how sick I'm feeling that day, or always trying to wrangle those miserable messages in my head that I play to myself that somehow got recorded before I had a say in the matter. But, just like we have the United States Constitution...I realized that I needed one just for me. It can always be added to, but never amended.
So, no matter what I'm feeling, no matter what my body is doing, no matter how hard it feels to squeak by the minutes in my day there are things that I will do...no matter what.
-I will pray everyday no matter what- because "If the soul preservers in a life of prayer, there will come a time when these seasons of dryness will pass away and the soul will be led out into a large place." (Charles Spurgeon)
-I will trust/believe God no matter what- "The time to trust is when all else fails." (A.B. Simpson)
"The only way to learn strong faith is to endure great trials." (George Mueller)
-I will read my Bible everyday no matter what- For the word of God is living and active. Heb 4:12 It has the power to be like medicine to my body, mind and soul.
There are a few more but those are between God and I. But, I'm certain that there will be more added to the list as time goes on. Right now those are top three things that I know I can do regardless of how I'm feeling. If I can't physically read myself, Whitney has been reading to me and this has turned out to be a really great time for us.
These are not New Years Resolutions being made in the Spring. These are things that keep me from feeling sorry for myself, from becoming distant from God who "is close to those who are crushed in spirit", and gives me hope. I agree that these are things we should be doing no matter what, and I have been doing them pretty much everyday for many years. But, since being sick it has been easy for me to say..."It's been two years now and I'm still in bed." It's so easy to want to give up and give in and say "what's the point?" No matter what...I'm not going down that road. And, I don't think you have to be sick in bed to have things or people in your life that you feel like giving up on. Once we open the door to giving up on the little things in life, it will make hanging in there with the bigger things so much more difficult. It doesn't mean that I don't give myself permission to have a good 15 minute cry or have a day that I just can't muster up the energy to do anymore than those three "No matter what's". That's called life. As I tell my husband frequently these days...life is messy. Sometimes we are going to get messy with it. It's just not a reason to stop doing the things that will pick us up off the floor and make our clothes clean again. Blessings, Tanya
My friend, who also has a love for books like I do, dropped one by for me to borrow and I read it start to finish. Those are the best kind. This particular author had a section that I knew would be the one thing that I would be taking away to apply to my life right away. And, it couldn't have come at a better time. Thus began my journey called, "No Matter What". That phrase alone felt so powerful in my mind to even say. It felt final and it felt do-able.
I realized that one of my biggest struggles has been being tossed around by my feelings, how sick I'm feeling that day, or always trying to wrangle those miserable messages in my head that I play to myself that somehow got recorded before I had a say in the matter. But, just like we have the United States Constitution...I realized that I needed one just for me. It can always be added to, but never amended.
So, no matter what I'm feeling, no matter what my body is doing, no matter how hard it feels to squeak by the minutes in my day there are things that I will do...no matter what.
-I will pray everyday no matter what- because "If the soul preservers in a life of prayer, there will come a time when these seasons of dryness will pass away and the soul will be led out into a large place." (Charles Spurgeon)
-I will trust/believe God no matter what- "The time to trust is when all else fails." (A.B. Simpson)
"The only way to learn strong faith is to endure great trials." (George Mueller)
-I will read my Bible everyday no matter what- For the word of God is living and active. Heb 4:12 It has the power to be like medicine to my body, mind and soul.
There are a few more but those are between God and I. But, I'm certain that there will be more added to the list as time goes on. Right now those are top three things that I know I can do regardless of how I'm feeling. If I can't physically read myself, Whitney has been reading to me and this has turned out to be a really great time for us.
These are not New Years Resolutions being made in the Spring. These are things that keep me from feeling sorry for myself, from becoming distant from God who "is close to those who are crushed in spirit", and gives me hope. I agree that these are things we should be doing no matter what, and I have been doing them pretty much everyday for many years. But, since being sick it has been easy for me to say..."It's been two years now and I'm still in bed." It's so easy to want to give up and give in and say "what's the point?" No matter what...I'm not going down that road. And, I don't think you have to be sick in bed to have things or people in your life that you feel like giving up on. Once we open the door to giving up on the little things in life, it will make hanging in there with the bigger things so much more difficult. It doesn't mean that I don't give myself permission to have a good 15 minute cry or have a day that I just can't muster up the energy to do anymore than those three "No matter what's". That's called life. As I tell my husband frequently these days...life is messy. Sometimes we are going to get messy with it. It's just not a reason to stop doing the things that will pick us up off the floor and make our clothes clean again. Blessings, Tanya
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