Proverbs 18:24
A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
There have been times in my life when my family, for various reasons, just couldn't be there for me. Not because they didn't want to be but it just wasn't possible at that moment in time. One of the greatest gifts my mom gave to me growing up was relationships. Since we lived in Alaska away from our extended family we had many different friends that either "adopted" us into their family or we adopted them into ours. It is a gift I have taken with me on this crazy, and wild journey of life.
One of these times was when my mom was about to pass away after a long battle with cancer and a bone marrow transplant that didn't go as planned. I remember getting the phone call from dad saying that we were at the end and to come to the hospital right away. At 24 year old I felt like my whole world had just completely crashed in on me. How was I going to get through this? How would I literally, physically survive. Because at the moment I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach and put my head in a vice. When I got to the hospital it was just the three of "us". Me, my dad and brother. We were in such a state of shock that none of us really knew what to do or say. I called my mom's best friend and she came right away to the hospital. They were letting us come in and out of the room to see my mom, but she was ventilated and unresponsive. For whatever reason my mom was still hanging on though. Definitely it was for us because that was who she was. I, however, was feeling extremely selfish and was near histeria telling her to hang on. But, my mom's friend stepped in and put her arms around me and told me that I needed to give her permission to go be with the Lord. I couldn't believe what she was asking me to do and at the same time I knew she was right. So, I went in her room one final time with my dad and brother. I leaned over her sobbing and choked out the words, "Mom, its okay...we'll be okay...you can go now...I promise we'll be okay." As soon as I got the last words out my mom's heart immediately stopped. The nurse, who had seen this many times working in the ICU, had never seen someone's heart stop instantly like that.
There are not many people in this world who have the capacity to step forward for someone outside of their family unit and say the words that nobody has the courage to say. But, I give thanks everyday for the strength she had and the gift of allowing me to let my mom go during her final hour.
As I raise my kids now and tend to be very protective and selective on who they spend time with, have still allowed my children to have relationships with people who I know carry that same courage inside. I am their mom and I know them better than anyone. But, I also know myself and realize there are gifts that others have to offer them that I cannot. I continue to honor my mother's gift to me by passing it along to them. I pray that it will be passed on from generation to generation allowing their lives to be enriched by those that God has blessed.
March 31, 2007
March 29, 2007
On being all TICKED off!!
My journey with lyme disease is one that I pray will end soon and pray even harder will never return. For the last seven years my health has been one giant puzzle that seems like it keeps getting more pieces added to it. We have been down every road and dark alley trying to find out what was wrong and how to "fix" it. It wasn't until August of 2005 that I had a blood test that showed positive for lyme disease.
It has been a slow progression down hill since I had Spencer back in 2002. My thyroid developed a nodule on one side and caused me to have hyperthyroidism. I had major anxiety, fast heart rate, exhaustion but couldn't sleep, muscle twitching that would drive me crazy, dizziness and fatigue that has eventually drove me to my bed on a more permanent basis.
After having my right thyroid removed in 2004 I figured that was the whole problem and I would be getting on with life, but that never happened. In fact, I believe it just made things much worse. Once I received my lyme diagnosis, again I thought "finally we can get this taken care of and I get on with life." So, I took the recommened high doses of doxycycline for three months, did IV's of vitamins and anti-virals, B12 injections, and every type of supplement you can think of. But, I only got worse.
I finally stopped the antibiotics after a few trips to the emergency room and feeling like my body would just give out all together, layed in bed for a few months wondering what to do. After much research and more trips to a new doctor it was clear that the antibiotics had given me a systemic yeast infection which only complicated matters. I was tested and found to have heavy metals and other co-infections along with the lyme itself. My immunity is in the tank. I also had another test done which shows I have a genetic defect that doesn't allow my body to identify toxins in my system so it just causes everything to build up and go into my tissues.
Things really got fun when I started having severe blood sugar drops which sent me to the ER twice where upon they would inform me that there wasn't anything they could do. I also started developing allergies to the majority of foods. I can now only eat 5 different things. It began to feel very hopeless.
Back in August of 2006 I started working with a doctor in California long distance that was able to help me for awhile to get the blood sugar drops under better control and allow my adrenals to have a break from all the drama. But, the things he was doing with me started to make me more sick again.
So, that very latest is that I'm heading to California on April 10th to see a doctor down there who works with pretty sick people. He himself was in bed for eight years with Chronic Fatigue so he understands how sick I am. I spoke with his wife who fills in as receptionist and she told me they knew how sick I was but would never encourage me to come down if they didn't think they could help. I found out about this doctor from a friend who lives there and is seeing him right now. I have no idea how I'll tolerate this trip, but we are going to do what we can to make it through. The time has come to venture outside our Seattle area and see if he can help.
The thing that makes me the most angry about lyme is that most doctors don't even recognize it as an epidemic even though California, Oregon and Washington are becoming one the higher epedemic areas in the US. It is not confined to the East Coast or Minnesota like some have always believed. Its everywhere and people need to be educated. We know how to fight most cancers (which I'm grateful for), but we can't figure out how to help people who have been infected by a tick. Oh, and just for the record, its not just ticks that carry it...biting flies, fleas, misquetoes, and spiders have all been found with the Borrelia bacteria in their bodies.
It's all good because God is good. I know that sounds trite, but for me I have to wake up everyday and decide that no matter what my day looks like I have to trust God regardless. That he loves me and has not forsaken me. I do very much believe that I will have full healing...how or when is something I have had to let go of. I just have to believe.
Thanks to everyone who has supported and prayed for our family during these last two years. We feel incredibly blessed by your love.
It has been a slow progression down hill since I had Spencer back in 2002. My thyroid developed a nodule on one side and caused me to have hyperthyroidism. I had major anxiety, fast heart rate, exhaustion but couldn't sleep, muscle twitching that would drive me crazy, dizziness and fatigue that has eventually drove me to my bed on a more permanent basis.
After having my right thyroid removed in 2004 I figured that was the whole problem and I would be getting on with life, but that never happened. In fact, I believe it just made things much worse. Once I received my lyme diagnosis, again I thought "finally we can get this taken care of and I get on with life." So, I took the recommened high doses of doxycycline for three months, did IV's of vitamins and anti-virals, B12 injections, and every type of supplement you can think of. But, I only got worse.
I finally stopped the antibiotics after a few trips to the emergency room and feeling like my body would just give out all together, layed in bed for a few months wondering what to do. After much research and more trips to a new doctor it was clear that the antibiotics had given me a systemic yeast infection which only complicated matters. I was tested and found to have heavy metals and other co-infections along with the lyme itself. My immunity is in the tank. I also had another test done which shows I have a genetic defect that doesn't allow my body to identify toxins in my system so it just causes everything to build up and go into my tissues.
Things really got fun when I started having severe blood sugar drops which sent me to the ER twice where upon they would inform me that there wasn't anything they could do. I also started developing allergies to the majority of foods. I can now only eat 5 different things. It began to feel very hopeless.
Back in August of 2006 I started working with a doctor in California long distance that was able to help me for awhile to get the blood sugar drops under better control and allow my adrenals to have a break from all the drama. But, the things he was doing with me started to make me more sick again.
So, that very latest is that I'm heading to California on April 10th to see a doctor down there who works with pretty sick people. He himself was in bed for eight years with Chronic Fatigue so he understands how sick I am. I spoke with his wife who fills in as receptionist and she told me they knew how sick I was but would never encourage me to come down if they didn't think they could help. I found out about this doctor from a friend who lives there and is seeing him right now. I have no idea how I'll tolerate this trip, but we are going to do what we can to make it through. The time has come to venture outside our Seattle area and see if he can help.
The thing that makes me the most angry about lyme is that most doctors don't even recognize it as an epidemic even though California, Oregon and Washington are becoming one the higher epedemic areas in the US. It is not confined to the East Coast or Minnesota like some have always believed. Its everywhere and people need to be educated. We know how to fight most cancers (which I'm grateful for), but we can't figure out how to help people who have been infected by a tick. Oh, and just for the record, its not just ticks that carry it...biting flies, fleas, misquetoes, and spiders have all been found with the Borrelia bacteria in their bodies.
It's all good because God is good. I know that sounds trite, but for me I have to wake up everyday and decide that no matter what my day looks like I have to trust God regardless. That he loves me and has not forsaken me. I do very much believe that I will have full healing...how or when is something I have had to let go of. I just have to believe.
Thanks to everyone who has supported and prayed for our family during these last two years. We feel incredibly blessed by your love.
Mrs. Slowski
I love the commercial about Mr. and Mrs. Slowski, the turtles who hate fast technology. Two years ago I wouldn't have given it a second thought, but now that I'm in bed all day I can totally relate. When you suddenly have to stop and be still 99% of the day for two years it seems like everything else is moving so quickly. My daughter's voice is louder and faster than I can ever remember before and when one of my younger kids is all excited about something, I brace myself for their body-launching explaination onto my bed. A few times in the last six months I have had to take a ride to the doctor's office and for the first few miles I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride. Now I feel horribly guilty for all those times I tail-gaited the elderly lady just trying to get to the store for a loaf of bread...uggg. So sorry Granny. I feel angry and agitated inside with my husband for taking corners too quickly (in reality its a normal speed), and it seems like the cars coming in our direction are breaking the speed limit.
In short I feel completely disconnected from the outside world and have a hard time imagining myself "out there" again. This is so contrary to how I used to be and for those who know me would definitely agree. I have always been an early riser with my mental "To-Do" list going before my feet would hit the ground. There's no doubt that every day miles would be added to the van's odometer, gas might need to be pumped to make all the necessary stops, and a small cooler of snacks, oh, and let's not forget the Double-Tall-Non-Fat-With-Vanilla , was all imperative for things to go somewhat smoothly. But, just like my college days when I thought I was sooooo busy and then looked back trying to figure out what I did with all my time that was so important...I also now look back on the last 10 years and wonder why I felt so rushed every day.
And every night after the kids were in bed and I tried to get my throttle pulled back, I would say, "Lord, tomorrow I'm going to spend more than 10 minutes with you." or "God, I really want my life to count for something...please show me what that looks like." Then I would jump up the next day and do the same thing all over again. All the while I was feeling stretched, tired, frustrated and wondering how all the other mom's could maintain such a pace and still look good everyday.
You don't have to be a psychic to figure out that my perspective has now definitely been altered...forever. Now, I listen to my friends complain about being too busy, some no longer even contact me because I don't fit into their schedules anymore. I'm Mrs. Slowski after all. But, it dawned on me that I used to be that way so I can hardly judge them for the same thing. I have no bad feelings for those friends I no longer have contact with. Their journey is different than mine and maybe they don't have that voice whispering to them the way I did that I was missing out on something bigger.
I think whether you have a spiritual relationship or not, most people are very familiar with Psalm 23. It wasn't one I spent any time reading because I felt I had heard it so many times it had kind of become...well I'll just say it...boring. It didn't hold much meaning for me. But, about a year ago I came to a place where my body was so fragile and mind was on over drive to figure out what to do. It was fear mixed with the need for action...fight or flight. As I opened my Bible knowing my mind wasn't able to absorb much information I stopped at Psalm 23. Not the whole thing, just the first part. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." It was like someone had blown a fresh, clean breeze across my hot, tear-streaked cheeks. I had finally reached that point in my life where I realized that the only way I was going to survive was to trust, lay still, and allow God to restore my broken and beaten down soul. I no longer could pretend that I had the resources to do this on my own. Suddenly I feel proud to be called Mrs. Slowski. Because now I have a chance to really listen. Listen to my heart, listen to God's heart and listen to those around me who are trying to keep it together, and are really in need of a friend but can't slow down to say it. God doesn't come to us in the wind, or an earthquake, or a giant storm...He comes to us with a quiet whisper that only a quiet soul can hear. I think my arrogant attitude was always expecting God to be louder than all the noise I was making in my own life. It has finally dawned on me that I'm the one that is to get quiet to hear him. Now I don't have a choice...maybe that's a gift for right now. Maybe I'll start a Mrs. Slowski club...Wanna join?
In short I feel completely disconnected from the outside world and have a hard time imagining myself "out there" again. This is so contrary to how I used to be and for those who know me would definitely agree. I have always been an early riser with my mental "To-Do" list going before my feet would hit the ground. There's no doubt that every day miles would be added to the van's odometer, gas might need to be pumped to make all the necessary stops, and a small cooler of snacks, oh, and let's not forget the Double-Tall-Non-Fat-With-Vanilla , was all imperative for things to go somewhat smoothly. But, just like my college days when I thought I was sooooo busy and then looked back trying to figure out what I did with all my time that was so important...I also now look back on the last 10 years and wonder why I felt so rushed every day.
And every night after the kids were in bed and I tried to get my throttle pulled back, I would say, "Lord, tomorrow I'm going to spend more than 10 minutes with you." or "God, I really want my life to count for something...please show me what that looks like." Then I would jump up the next day and do the same thing all over again. All the while I was feeling stretched, tired, frustrated and wondering how all the other mom's could maintain such a pace and still look good everyday.
You don't have to be a psychic to figure out that my perspective has now definitely been altered...forever. Now, I listen to my friends complain about being too busy, some no longer even contact me because I don't fit into their schedules anymore. I'm Mrs. Slowski after all. But, it dawned on me that I used to be that way so I can hardly judge them for the same thing. I have no bad feelings for those friends I no longer have contact with. Their journey is different than mine and maybe they don't have that voice whispering to them the way I did that I was missing out on something bigger.
I think whether you have a spiritual relationship or not, most people are very familiar with Psalm 23. It wasn't one I spent any time reading because I felt I had heard it so many times it had kind of become...well I'll just say it...boring. It didn't hold much meaning for me. But, about a year ago I came to a place where my body was so fragile and mind was on over drive to figure out what to do. It was fear mixed with the need for action...fight or flight. As I opened my Bible knowing my mind wasn't able to absorb much information I stopped at Psalm 23. Not the whole thing, just the first part. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." It was like someone had blown a fresh, clean breeze across my hot, tear-streaked cheeks. I had finally reached that point in my life where I realized that the only way I was going to survive was to trust, lay still, and allow God to restore my broken and beaten down soul. I no longer could pretend that I had the resources to do this on my own. Suddenly I feel proud to be called Mrs. Slowski. Because now I have a chance to really listen. Listen to my heart, listen to God's heart and listen to those around me who are trying to keep it together, and are really in need of a friend but can't slow down to say it. God doesn't come to us in the wind, or an earthquake, or a giant storm...He comes to us with a quiet whisper that only a quiet soul can hear. I think my arrogant attitude was always expecting God to be louder than all the noise I was making in my own life. It has finally dawned on me that I'm the one that is to get quiet to hear him. Now I don't have a choice...maybe that's a gift for right now. Maybe I'll start a Mrs. Slowski club...Wanna join?
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